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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ambu to refuse sacked and broke MIL to move in with us?

182 replies

Peachypop · 26/04/2018 21:38

So now my alcoholic MIL has been let go off her job and she's not got anywhere to go and she wants to move in with me, my DP and a 7 month old dd. Ambu for saying 2 weeks only, I know she's down but it's my maternity leave and I want to spend it with my daughter, it's the time I'm never going to get back and we don't really get on. My DP says we should agree a month but I know this will end up in a big argument and I just want to save us that.

So fed up of my parents and DP's parents constantly expecting financial help from us when we now have our own little family to look after. They should have planned for their retirement/bad times! So irresponsible! Makes me look like a horrible daughter in law but I just want to focus on my baby now!

It appears that she's completely broke, with no family or friends and nowhere to go. DP offered for her to stay in his flat (indefinitely) and pay the mortgage but he's waiting for his tenants to move out meaning she needs to stay somewhere for a month. And she wants to stay with us.... :/

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 27/04/2018 14:03

she may fail the HRT test to qualify for. Emerita for the first three months

Yep, but OP has already said she has savings enough to house and keep her for the first year, so she won't be too inconvenienced.

leggere · 27/04/2018 14:28

Emerita, sounds like a suggestion for a new baby nameSmile OP, I wouldn't let her stay, your lives will become turmoil. Also, if you ever need support in the future from ss, the fact that you had an alcoholic living with you could be used wrongly. Sometimes we have to be selfish and put our own family first. Difficult I know, but concentrate on your own little family, in my opinion.

Midthreademergencynamechange · 27/04/2018 14:32

As her health is so terribly poor, would she qualify for some sort of detox or rehab on the NHS? I'm probably being very over-optimistic about what is available on the NHS now!

You don't have to help her with her alcoholism (neither does her son) but suggesting she make some basic enquiries about this before she comes back doesn't seem too onerous.

HoneyDragon · 27/04/2018 14:34

No. As decent parents you do not scarafice your child’s needs for hers.

LoislovesStewie · 27/04/2018 14:40

Is she coming back from outside the UK?

stateschool · 27/04/2018 14:49

YABU - it;s his MOTHER and alcoholism is a disease. She needs professional help and help getting back on her feet. Do you think it;s okay to have your MIL homeless and living on the streets?Where else is she going to go to?

Idontdowindows · 27/04/2018 14:50

Where else is she going to go to?

Into the house she rents with her savings. OP has already said she has enough savings to last her about a year. So MIL has a year to sort herself out.

milliemolliemou · 27/04/2018 15:18

@midthread - there's very little on the NHS. In the first instance they refer you to AA etc. There are odd islands of residential care but usually only for the first few days when someone goes dry because they need to be medically monitored in case they start fitting etc. Residential private care costs thousands per week.

OP why was she sacked? was it because of the alcoholism? I think we're all presuming so. How bad is it ... there are gradations between aggressive, stealing, incontinent drunks and managing alcoholics though even the latter can turn nasty if questioned or upset.

Time to sit down again with your DH and mention the problems you see - including the fact that being housed by you for two weeks is not going to help her claim homelessness. I suspect, however, if she has savings that could see her rent for a year that could be around £10000 if not more, and I'm not sure how that parlays with housing benefit/income support.

bakingdemon · 27/04/2018 15:33

If there are already three of you in a small two bed flat, you don't have space. If you do let her stay in your husband's flat, it clearly has to be time limited as you need to sell that within a few months. But you say she does have some money so I do think she should be paying her own way. And I agree with everyone else who's said you can't have an alcoholic in the same small flat as a baby.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2018 16:11

Hell no.
Do not allow this.
She will never move out.
Where would she move to?
Don't do this to your new family.
Your baby needs routine and own room.

Weezol · 27/04/2018 16:23

For all the 'don't make her homeless' folks, OP has said that MIL has enough money saved to live for a year. She was fired from a teaching post.

She is quite able to find and fund her own place.

rwalker · 27/04/2018 17:07

forgot to add most local authorities will not pay rent to blood relatives .Chances are she will move into his flat get turned down for benefits then you will be stuck with her

RoxytheRexy · 27/04/2018 17:32

Don’t do this. We had an almost identical situation and it nearly broke us up.

Highlights include me coming up the stairs to find my mother in law naked on the landing and her buying plenty of booze but not giving us a penny. Don’t do it

Jux · 27/04/2018 17:33

Oh that's different. If she's got enough for the moment then she'll be fine and doesn't need your help at all - probably has more money than you! Even if she hasn't enough for a year, she doesn't need that much; a couple of months' rent and deposit, living costs for a month or two, yes she'll be fine without you.

What on earth is the fuss about?

isadoradancing123 · 27/04/2018 18:11

The baby that you have may feel like this about you one day, have you thought of it in this way?

Anniegetyourgun · 27/04/2018 18:13

The baby that you have may feel like this about you one day, have you thought of it in this way?

If my DC didn't want to help me because I'd already sponged money off them, got myself sacked due to heavy drinking and expected to move into their baby's nursery in a tiny flat, I'd have it coming, frankly.

DimpsieMizzle · 27/04/2018 18:19

I'll just add to my previous post..... My MIL wasn't an obvious alcoholic. She was always beautifully turned out... hair done, nails varnished, smart coat and shoes. The very model of a 'naice Surrey housewife', which is what made the possible fallout from her stories all the more frightening, as she seemed so believable. Even when she's drunk vast amounts of vodka and been up all night screaming abuse down the phone, she would somehow find the energy to make herself look presentable to pop down to the shops and spread her lies to anyone that would listen.

Alcoholics will do and say anything in order to get their own way and to maintain their ability to drink. All they want to think about is themselves and alcohol. All my MIL basically wanted was for her family to run around after her whilst she drank. When we wouldn't indulge her, she got nasty.

Do not put yourself in harm's way OP.

2andcountingtodate · 27/04/2018 18:31

Same here Anniegetyourgun. I hope my dc will look after their family first rather then enable me to scrounge off them.

Op you should tell all of your parents no.

Gabilan · 27/04/2018 18:33

The baby that you have may feel like this about you one day, have you thought of it in this way?

Watching my dad's descent into alcoholic oblivion is one of the things that helps keep me sober.

welshmist · 27/04/2018 18:56

isadoradancing123 Fri 27-Apr-18 18:11:01
The baby that you have may feel like this about you one day, have you thought of it in this way?

If I was like this MIL whose life is so chaotic because of the bottle I could expect little better from my own children who would deserve a good Mother, they never asked to be born nor are they able to choose their parents.

Topseyt · 27/04/2018 20:48

I guess that many of those saying OP should accept this woman because she is DP's mother, or suggesting that "your baby could think this of you one day" have never tried life with an alcoholic, and therefore have no real idea what it is like.

Weezol · 27/04/2018 21:12

I am a dry alcoholic (was functional but definitely an addict) who divorced another functioning alcoholic because (among other things) he hated the fact I had stopped drinking.

The alcohol is catching up with him now. He's only in his early 40's and looks a lot older. Very bloated and has been fired three times in the last year.

I know I can never, ever drink again. Not even one. Because one will become ten, will become twenty, twenty five. All of them will be whiskey.

It is from this perspective I have said 'No. Not even one night'.

I mean, which one of us here has enough savings to live for a year ?

TammyWhyNot · 28/04/2018 07:21

She can get an AirBnB until the flat is ready.

bastardkitty · 28/04/2018 14:25

The baby that you have may feel like this about you one day, have you thought of it in this way?

^ this is emotionally manipulative bullshit and addicts can excel at this kind of schtick.

gamerchick · 28/04/2018 17:11

Sooooo OP, how many bleeding hearts have PMed you their details and addresses to take her in for you then?