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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ambu to refuse sacked and broke MIL to move in with us?

182 replies

Peachypop · 26/04/2018 21:38

So now my alcoholic MIL has been let go off her job and she's not got anywhere to go and she wants to move in with me, my DP and a 7 month old dd. Ambu for saying 2 weeks only, I know she's down but it's my maternity leave and I want to spend it with my daughter, it's the time I'm never going to get back and we don't really get on. My DP says we should agree a month but I know this will end up in a big argument and I just want to save us that.

So fed up of my parents and DP's parents constantly expecting financial help from us when we now have our own little family to look after. They should have planned for their retirement/bad times! So irresponsible! Makes me look like a horrible daughter in law but I just want to focus on my baby now!

It appears that she's completely broke, with no family or friends and nowhere to go. DP offered for her to stay in his flat (indefinitely) and pay the mortgage but he's waiting for his tenants to move out meaning she needs to stay somewhere for a month. And she wants to stay with us.... :/

OP posts:
coconutpie · 26/04/2018 22:22

No fucking way should you let an alcoholic move in with a baby in the house. I would not even let her stay 1 night, way too risky.

Hepzibar · 26/04/2018 22:23

OP. No. Do not do this. She is an adult who has to deal with the consequences of her own actions.

She is not yours or your DH's responsibility.

If you allow her into your home it is enabling her. Do not allow access to DP's flat. If you do you are enabling her to continue in addiction.

You and DP are not helping

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 26/04/2018 22:23

I wouldn't even do it for a night - not to be heartless but if she has nowhere else to go she won't leave at the end of that time period.

If your DH's tenants wish to, and know what they're doing, they can drag out any eviction proceedings for MONTHS (we're talking at least 6 months, potentially more, depending on a variety of factors including your DH's skill with serving the correct notices and their skill at knowing the system) so there's no guarantee that the flat will actually become available for her within a reasonable period of time.

areyoubeingserviced · 26/04/2018 22:24

Agree with other posters.
Do not let her stay, she will never leave.
Put her up in a cheap hotel and then as another poster suggested , get her into private accommodation . She may be entitled to housing benefit.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 26/04/2018 22:25

A very slippery slope.

Once she's in she will never leave.

Very unfair to put you in this position- and your DH is enabling her. Tricky as I know she is his DM, but think tough love required here.

Weezol · 26/04/2018 22:25

Nope. Not even for one night. I say this as someone with 8 years sobriety under my belt.

DurhamDurham · 26/04/2018 22:25

My brother is a alcoholic and as harsh as it's sounds we wouldn't have him to stay when he managed to get himself evicted from his rented home. We had to choose to prioritise our own children and although I supported him to get another place to stay and tried to get help with his alcohol problems (which he didn't want and ignored) we did it at arms length.
He ruined his own family due to being an alcoholic I wasn't going to risk him destroying mine.
Good luck Thanks

Hepzibar · 26/04/2018 22:26

Just to add.

Addicts lie. They are manipulative. They promise. They lie.

How do you know an addict is lying?Answer: They open their mouth

welshmist · 26/04/2018 22:29

Perfectly put Hepzibar.

lborgia · 26/04/2018 22:30

I think that's a no, OP.

Im not sure if you either want or can help at the moment, but it sounds as if your DP hasn't got any other plan than to save his mum. He needs to have his own investigation, acceptance of what is going on. How long has she been like this? 2 years? 20 years? What did he envisage would be the final picture? Has he considered the difference to your lives over the next 20-40 years from having to support her no questions asked.

Not to mention the very mercenary idea that if he had rent on that flat for all those years/ sell it in due course, what difference that would make to your retirement/ future?

It is not his job (or yours) to prop her up to the detriment of his own family. Because, without a doubt, it will be painful, draining, and will take a huge toll.

He Cannot Save Her.

yorkshireyummymummy · 26/04/2018 22:31

This is really really hard as she is your husbands mum and I presume he loves her.
None of us commenting know why she is an alcoholic and I don’t like the way everybody is telling the op to say a big NO to her husbands mum because she is ill. Alcoholism is an illness.
However, I also agree with posters that i wouldn’t want an alcoholic round my newborn baby for safety reasons. Has she hit rock bottom? Does she want to stop drinking or does she just want you to facilitate her drinking and provide her with a rent free home?
If it’s the latter then I would be taking her to the council and getting her to declare herself homeless. Sadly the reality is that she is more likely to get help with her drink problem if she is not be8ng supported by her family. Can you contact adult services and get her a social worker?
If she wants to stop and is willing to do AA daily ( minimum daily) and do the ( I think it’s called the ) 12 step plan and you remove all drink from your home, no money etc then i would be tempted to help her. But the minute she came back pissed she would be out.
You can’t have a baby around her. You couldn’t go to the loo without taking dd incase MIL picked her up.
It’s a really hard situation and I don’t envy you one bit. Sit down and weigh everything up with DH. Does MIL have any other family who could help too? I think it might just be too big an ask when you have a newborn.
And, if DH let’s her liv3 rent free in your flat then he is facilitating her alcoholism and you will NEVER get rid of her. Yes, let her RENT the flat but if she has it rent free she will never ever be free of the alcohol.
Good luck.

saison4 · 26/04/2018 22:32

what happens after 2 (or even 4) weeks? will she be sober in a job and be able to look after herself? Of course not.

I'd be very careful. you might be the one moving out if she moves in. such things never end well though I understand that it must be tough for your DP.

bastardkitty · 26/04/2018 22:33

YABU to let her stay at all. An alcoholic is not a compatible house guest with a baby. Also if the tenants don't move out and you have to get an eviction you will be lumbered with her.

Gabilan · 26/04/2018 22:36

ime the alcoholic absolutely has choices, and one of them is not to drag everyone else down with them.

Unfortunately, they often do drag everyone else down with them. I think it's one of the saddest parts.

It's a horrible situation OP but I think I would make any help dependent on her acknowledging her alcoholism and seeking professional help with it. Even then I'd be very wary. And I feel very sorry for those tenants who have done nothing wrong but are having to leave their home.

Panga63 · 26/04/2018 22:36

If she's lost her job (because of her alcoholism?) how will she pay the bills for the flat (or get cash for booze). Has she alienated her friends and other family because of her problems? May be why she's guilting your DH into sheltering her as everyone else has wised up?

gamerchick · 26/04/2018 22:39

I think I would be evicting my bloke in your shoes OP. Send him off with his mother until he’s rid of her.

Don’t let an alcoholic move in. It’ll be a mistake and probably crack your marriage in 2 anyway.

Weezol · 26/04/2018 22:42

Yorkshire The 'why' is irrelevant in this case. Addicts need to hit rock bottom and be willing to seek help. Enabling an addict is the least helpful route.

The 'why' is something that only the addict can resolve once they are in recovery.
Peachy she's of working age. She needs to go sign on and do as they at the JobCentre. She's not some wobbly old dear in need of care.

It is not your job to coax her into this. She needs to take responsibility for herself and the consequences of her actions. By not helping her now, you are helping her in the long run.

PatisserieDeBayeux · 26/04/2018 22:44

It might sound a stupid question, but is she a drinking alcoholic?
You're still an alcoholic even when you've stopped drinking - so do you mean she still drinks regularly?

mamanestfolle · 26/04/2018 22:44

I don’t think it is as easy as saying no, she can’t stay... you are basically asking your dh to make his mum homeless??
I understand full well how difficult the situation can be, my dad was an alcoholic.
You are talking about another human being at the end of the day, one that is loved by your dh.
My own dh has always been very supportive when we went through some awful times with my dad, and the decisions have always been mine. I am very grateful for that, the situation was difficult enough and I doubt our relation would have survived otherwise.
It is impossible to know how you would feel and what you would do if it was your own parent. I am guessing the op’s dh will be going through some major trauma and needs a shoulder he can rely on.
And yes I fully understand there are risks associated with having an alcoholic in your home.
Sadly there is no perfect solution to these kind of problems, and certainly no black or white answers.
Good luck op, whatever you decide.

Gabilan · 26/04/2018 22:48

Alcoholism is an illness

Yes, but it's far from being straightforwardly such. It affects everyone around the alcoholic and if they don't admit there's a problem, and seek help, it will drag everyone around them down. I've watched my father spend around 30 years trying to drink himself to death. I think it took around 20 years for the sympathy to wear out.

Octave777 · 26/04/2018 22:51

In two weeks nothing will have changed.

If you take her in it's harder to claim she's homeless.

Take her to the council instead.

It will be much better for her and you.

Octave777 · 26/04/2018 22:53

you are basically asking your dh to make his mum homeless??

Mamanestfoulle yes because then she can ask for accommodation.

Jazzy11 · 26/04/2018 22:53

I would give her a chance. It's hard and far from ideal but she's your partners mother, your kids grandmother she's family. Would you be okay with it if it was your mum and your DH said no way? As long as there is a promise from your DH that she will be moved out within the month and set some ground rules in place in your house (no drinking in the house/in front of kids/help out/ look for jobs) I understand she's an adult and has made her bed but come on, she raised your husband from a baby she deserves to be able to lean on him once in her life in a time of great need. Give her a chance.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/04/2018 22:55

She won't be entitled to housing benefit if she is renting from a relative. Is your DP aware of this? He needs to be if he is relying on her paying the mortgage on the flat.

alanon is the organisation which supports familie members of alcoholics. Can you give them a call, or preferably have your DP call them, explain the situation and ask what you can do that would best support your MIL?

I bet they won't suggest letting her move in with you then stay in your flat and pay the mortgage. But they may have some helpful ideas.

Good luck OP and congratulations on your little one

Jazzy11 · 26/04/2018 22:55

In the mean time I would be actively trying to help her housing situation by going to the council with her and letting them know that she is homeless and jobless and you don't have the room.