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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ambu to refuse sacked and broke MIL to move in with us?

182 replies

Peachypop · 26/04/2018 21:38

So now my alcoholic MIL has been let go off her job and she's not got anywhere to go and she wants to move in with me, my DP and a 7 month old dd. Ambu for saying 2 weeks only, I know she's down but it's my maternity leave and I want to spend it with my daughter, it's the time I'm never going to get back and we don't really get on. My DP says we should agree a month but I know this will end up in a big argument and I just want to save us that.

So fed up of my parents and DP's parents constantly expecting financial help from us when we now have our own little family to look after. They should have planned for their retirement/bad times! So irresponsible! Makes me look like a horrible daughter in law but I just want to focus on my baby now!

It appears that she's completely broke, with no family or friends and nowhere to go. DP offered for her to stay in his flat (indefinitely) and pay the mortgage but he's waiting for his tenants to move out meaning she needs to stay somewhere for a month. And she wants to stay with us.... :/

OP posts:
LaBamba1 · 27/08/2018 10:20

One great difficulty for all of you is that if you take her in she ceases to have any form of priority to be housed. It may be hard but I would recommend "tough love". By all means support her by taking her to services who may help her but not to stay for any time.

NaomiNagata · 27/08/2018 10:23

@LaBamba1

This thread was started in April

HelloToYou · 28/08/2018 23:38

I'm intrigued how this turned out now someone has bumped it @Peachypop

serbska · 29/08/2018 00:10

Nofuckingway

serbska · 29/08/2018 00:10

Gah old threads

Suewiang · 29/08/2018 00:14

Dint let her stay at all as if she goes to the council they have a duty to home her unless she’s been evicted from council property before

Suewiang · 29/08/2018 00:15

Oh didn’t see it was old lol

nailak · 29/08/2018 00:20

It's very sad that you resent helping your parents out.

YANBU to want your personal space with a New born baby invaded, it's a tough enough time without having to deal with an alcoholic mil. I suggest if you do this you agree some ground rules with DH.

Ie she can't go into your room. She isn't left alone with the baby etc

MiddleClassProblem · 29/08/2018 00:25

Could she work as a freelance tutor?

Thesearepearls · 29/08/2018 00:48

It's an odd an really unusual circumstance.

If the chips were down of course I would have to support MIL. Family first and all that

I would of course be using all my time to obtain housing and stuff for her.

See people are frail, families are frail. This is an old lady and really where would she go? You can cope.

Purpleartichoke · 29/08/2018 01:11

I see that this is old, but I have to hadn’t 2 cents

You have a responsibility to protect your child from an alcoholic. That doesn’t mean you have to cut off contact, but she can’t stay with you and all visits must be supervised. It is an awful position to be in. I know, because I am in it. I must protect my child. That is my sole responsibility. I know this well because as the child of an alcoholic, I did not get the same protection.

agnurse · 29/08/2018 05:27

Thesearepearls

MIL chose to drink. She chose not to seek help. She chose to get herself to where she is.

OP has a young child. Active addicts are NOT safe to have around children. EVER. There is too big of a risk for problems.

MIL needs to sort out her own problems. OP, you and your partner might consider attending Al-Anon and/or Adult Children of Alcoholics.

CSIblonde · 29/08/2018 05:31

I'd say no too. She can go to housing dept & they'll get her temporary emergency accommodation. (being alcoholic they'll class her as vulnerable:if she has Dr letter that'd help too. If she gets his flat & you get her to sign a tenancy contract (you can get them off Internet) you can then get her to pay housing benefit direct to you, it's an option on the HB claim form.

GoatWithACoat · 29/08/2018 05:49

I wouldn’t have an alcoholic living with my baby. Not for one day never mind a month!

SoaringSwallow · 29/08/2018 06:10

Even if she wasn't an alcoholic, having someone to stay for two weeks in your two bedroom flat while you're on mat leave would be a difficult thing. A month would be a total nightmare. A broke, unemployed alcoholic?!! You've got to be kidding.

If your DH wants to House her in this interim period then either he pays for a hotel for her or you.

And you're going to be losing out doubly if she's in the rental property: 1. You'll be paying the mortgage 2. You'll have no income from her as a renter.
Plus you'll never be able to get the place back while she's alive and when you do it'll need a massive amount of work before it can be rented again.

Penfold007 · 29/08/2018 06:26

I remember your previous threads. This is the woman who has lived in Thailand for 20+ years and arranged for your convicted drug dealer FIL to stay with you without asking.
MIL will have no recourse to benefits, housing or the NHS. Your weak DH will allow her to stay and she won't leave.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 29/08/2018 06:55

No, I'd rather pay for her to go to a Travel Lodge. You won't get rid of her in a fortnight, OP, and she'll drive you nuts.

^^This.

If you need any justification (which you don't) I'd be looking at how your Dmil has parented your DH over his years. Has she been a good mother, has she supported him and been there for him, or has she been hit and miss due to alcoholism or other issues?

If she's been a lousy mum, he shouldn't feel guilty and pressured in to inviting her into your home, or into letting her have your rental porperty either. Even is she's been an amazing mother, you still shouldn't feel like he has to do this. Yo don't get on, it's not like she's working and will be out of the house for hours at an end during the day. It's a terrible idea.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 29/08/2018 06:56

Penfold007 Shock OP, Please don't let her in your house.

bitchywitch · 29/08/2018 07:02

She is the mother in this scenario, please remind your DH of that. It just be absolute final option to turn to your child for support when you have screwed up. Say no. Time for her to wear her big girl pants.

Happyhippy45 · 29/08/2018 07:07

She won't be entitled to housing benefit if she is renting from a relative.
You can rent to a family member. You just need to set it up like you would for a tenant. You'd need to have a lease etc in place.
We rented a flat to adult dd who was on housing benefit.

Happyhippy45 · 29/08/2018 07:08

Meant to do this ffs She won't be entitled to housing benefit if she is renting from a relative.

notdaddycool · 29/08/2018 07:08

Don’t let her stay a night, pay a week in a b&b if you need to.

Beaverhausen · 29/08/2018 07:10

Personally I would say that she could use DP's flat if she gets help with her drinking. But by the sounds of it she has hit rock bottom and if you turn your back on her what is going to happen to her.

Sit DP down and the two of you come up with a solution to the problem and then sit her down and discuss your stipulations if she does not agree to them then walk away.

But do your research about getting her the help to get a grip on her drinking, start there and build up. You might have your own little family now but she is his mother and she raised him so he will have a sense of loyalty to her. And if you start pushing her out he will end up resenting you.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 29/08/2018 07:12

Don't let her rent the other property either. There's no way I'd want that to happen.

deepsea · 29/08/2018 07:17

Absolutely not a chance in hell.

It is not safe for your child to have someone like this in the house.