Page 3 | Ambu to refuse sacked and broke MIL to move in with us?

Peachypop · 2018-04-26T20:38:02+00:00

So now my alcoholic MIL has been let go off her job and she's not got anywhere to go and she wants to move in with me, my DP and a 7 month old dd. Ambu for saying 2 weeks only, I know she's down but it's my maternity leave and I want to spend it with my daughter, it's the time I'm never going to get back and we don't really get on. My DP says we should agree a month but I know this will end up in a big argument and I just want to save us that. So fed up of my parents and DP's parents constantly expecting financial help from us when we now have our own little family to look after. They should have planned for their retirement/bad times! So irresponsible! Makes me look like a horrible daughter in law but I just want to focus on my baby now! It appears that she's completely broke, with no family or friends and nowhere to go. DP offered for her to stay in his flat (indefinitely) and pay the mortgage but he's waiting for his tenants to move out meaning she needs to stay somewhere for a month. And she wants to stay with us.... :/

toffeee · 26/04/2018 22:56

Having being forced to live with an alcoholic (dads ex gf) I can absolutely say I wouldn't let MIL anywhere near your baby's home. She will most certainly lie and steal and there's every chance she will become aggressive to you, DP and DD. You will be her constant babysitter and never be able to relax or focus on DD. How will you have friends and family round? What about when she's screaming and shouting when the baby is asleep? If your DP thinks it's ok to put an alcoholic before your DD's welfare you need to consider taking your baby elsewhere until she's gone. Alcoholics can not stop without proper treatment, no matter what they or anyone else says. Your life will become hell. If your DP thinks it's responsible to take income from his family to house his alcoholic mother, more fool him.

Storm4star · 26/04/2018 23:08

I just wanted to echo what another poster said, in that she won’t be able to claim housing benefit if she’s living in a property owned by her son. This is hugely important as she’d be breaking the law and end up with a criminal record, maybe even prison. Also all the money would have to be refunded to the council so you could find yourselves with a very large debt. Not sure if that was the plan but don’t risk it.

donquixotedelamancha · 26/04/2018 23:11

Ambu for saying 2 weeks only

Yes. Say no. It will not be for 2 weeks. Your baby comes first.

Viviennemary · 26/04/2018 23:11

No I wouldn't let her move in. You'll never get rid of her. She needs to take responsibility for herself.

MexicanBob · 26/04/2018 23:14

She wouldn't cross the threshold if she were my MIL.

MexicanBob · 26/04/2018 23:14

She wouldn't cross the threshold if she were my MIL.

MLMsuperfan · 26/04/2018 23:15

Make her register homeless ASAP. Do not allow her to stay.

caringcarer · 26/04/2018 23:15

I'd not agree to her coming at all if she is an alcoholic. Your baby must come first. If dp moved her in I would move yourself and db out until she left. He should not be putting his dm above you and his db?

ReanimatedSGB · 26/04/2018 23:26

This is a wretched situation for you, OP. I'd be wary of the advice some of the more self-righteous are giving about cutting her off and not letting her over the threshold, because the truth is that this is your DP's mother, and your home is also your DP's home, so you need to bear his view in mind as well. You can't just order him to ignore his mum's plight and expect him to obey you.
You and your DP need to have a proper discussion about what is best for all of you.

eggcellent · 26/04/2018 23:32

If you let her stay, you'll never get rid of her. How would you go about shafting her when the two weeks are up? Don't let her spoil your maternity leave, she's brought this upon herself.

smithsinarazz · 26/04/2018 23:37

You said two weeks. That's generous. I wouldn't want her there for two minutes.
My colleague, who I will call Bob, explained social capital to me years ago thus: "If you've got a junkie who's got no mates and no job and nowhere to live, he hasn't got any." Your MIL has almost no social capital. Now, a person may wind up in that position through various routes - they may have mental health problems, they may have run away from a chaotic background - but - though they may be pitied, they're very unlikely to be easy to live with. Your kid is more important. She, after all, hasn't screwed her life up yet.
Not quite the same, but my parents have had my dad's demented old mother staying for a bit, and, blimey, the effect it's had on the household has just been awful. Miserable mad old bag clonking round the house being horrible to everyone. I am a bad person, and I just couldn't do it. Especially not with a little baby to look after.

GnotherGnu · 27/04/2018 00:01

Why has she got nowhere to go? Normally losing your job doesn't immediately make you homeless. Has she contacted the council about housing?

gillybeanz · 27/04/2018 00:07

There's no way I'd have allowed an alcoholic in our home, especially with a baby.
You must also be very rich to afford to pay two mortgages or your rent and mortgage.
I think there comes a time when you have to say no more.
YANBU and if mil moves in for only 2 weeks it will end up being indefinitely.

gillybeanz · 27/04/2018 00:10

Must add, my dh wouldn't have asked me if she could stay and certainly wouldn't be paying a mortgage for her.
His family would be more important, than an alcoholic mother.

suzy2b · 27/04/2018 00:44

RAINBOWQUEEN

She will be entitled to housing benefit as long as she has a tennentse agreement

Rainbowqueeen · 27/04/2018 00:59

Thanks for pointing that out Suzy.

I was going off the OPs first post which said the Mil is going to move in and just pay the mortgage and thought it sounded like a very casual arrangement rather than a formal agreement.

But yes the DP can put in place a formal tenancy agreement and protect himself. But if he does this and wants to evict her he will also have to go through the formal process which is time consuming and expensive and I wonder if this young family has the means to deal with that while one is on maternity leave and there is a mortgage on the flat.

Please be careful OP

Puffycat · 27/04/2018 01:05

If you let her in, she ain’t going nowhere

emmyrose2000 · 27/04/2018 01:13

I wouldn't even let her in the front door, let alone to stay for any length of time. She won't leave, she'll steal from you to pay for more booze, and will just be a general negative force in your life/home.

Are the tenants moving out anyway, or is DH evicting them just because of his alcoholic mother? If it's the latter, and I was the tenant and found out about this, I'd be dragging out the eviction as long as possible and making it as difficult as possible for the owner.

Jux · 27/04/2018 01:53

NOT EVEN FOR TWO WEEKS.

My alcoholic, unemployed sil moved in with us JUST FOR TWO WEEKS. She tippled all day, was overbearing and rude, and stayed for SIX MONTHS.

I was so fed up with her rudeness and inconsideration. Then she twisted everything into being my fault and left, having convinced dh that it was my fault. I don't know why I didn't divorce him, honestly. She left saying she would never cross my threshold again (to which I thought "thank heavens"). That was 3 years ago or so, and no, apart from mil's funeral, I haven't set eyes on her, nor do I want to.

Don't do it.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 27/04/2018 02:20

If you say no, where will she live? Woukd she be homeless? I think, tbf, if the alternative is her living in a cupboard box you may as well just accept it. Obviously your DH isn’t going to see that happen.

Kokeshi123 · 27/04/2018 02:52

Oh God, what a horrible situation.

I would not let her move in, but I would sit down and have a discussion about some kind of alternative. Is there no way for her to be accommodated while she dries out?

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/04/2018 03:39

Who is going to pay the mortgage? Your dp or her? If her, how?

I read your op that your dp will be paying it. I’d be very upset with that arrangement. Paying for her will be taking food from your baby’s mouth, holidays from your family and so forth.

No I wouldn’t let her move in your home or the rental property. She’ll undoubtedly trash it.

MrsJackHackett · 27/04/2018 04:02

This is amusing in a way after the post the other weeks about parents helping children.

If she is to stay with you a month, then move into the flat, there really is no problem. Your son (with or without you) will presumably visit. So the condition of the flat can be monitored. It's your husbands flat, so it may cost you initially, but I'm sure you'll be able to receive some sort of support, should she be entitled to housing benefit.

It's a month, look at it like that. Perhaps request set up the room so it can be a bolthole for her, so you are relatively interrupted. Although will you then post AIBU MIL is staying and lies in till midday, whilst I have my baby to look after? In your eyes will whatever she chooses be a lose/lose option.

I have dealt with alcoholics in my family, it usually stems from some mental health issue / trauma. I know there's those who believe there is no reason, but you need to have empathy.

When you are facing homelessness the most heartbreaking thing, I think, would be to have family who have the room, turn you away to a shelter. If MIL were to be faced with nothing and in turn decided to take drastic action how would you feel as a family then? Especially knowing you could have helped.

Children expect the world from their parents, when it comes to parents needing help, they're deemed a burden? A bit pot and kettle.