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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ambu to refuse sacked and broke MIL to move in with us?

182 replies

Peachypop · 26/04/2018 21:38

So now my alcoholic MIL has been let go off her job and she's not got anywhere to go and she wants to move in with me, my DP and a 7 month old dd. Ambu for saying 2 weeks only, I know she's down but it's my maternity leave and I want to spend it with my daughter, it's the time I'm never going to get back and we don't really get on. My DP says we should agree a month but I know this will end up in a big argument and I just want to save us that.

So fed up of my parents and DP's parents constantly expecting financial help from us when we now have our own little family to look after. They should have planned for their retirement/bad times! So irresponsible! Makes me look like a horrible daughter in law but I just want to focus on my baby now!

It appears that she's completely broke, with no family or friends and nowhere to go. DP offered for her to stay in his flat (indefinitely) and pay the mortgage but he's waiting for his tenants to move out meaning she needs to stay somewhere for a month. And she wants to stay with us.... :/

OP posts:
flumpybear · 27/04/2018 04:12

She should contact the council now and get a place to live via this route - she's a grown adult and should like you say have made provisions - if she's with you then she's got a place and the council wouldn't see this as an emergency I don't think (zero experience just going on what I've heard so may be wrong her)

AltheaorDonna · 27/04/2018 04:36

Unless the rules have changed she won't get HB, tenancy agreement or not. If that was allowed everybody would rent to family members and get their mortgages paid for free.

FeckinCrunchiesInTheCar · 27/04/2018 04:42

If you let her in, you will never, ever get her out.
She will be with you till she dies. So will her alcoholism.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/04/2018 05:08

suzy2b is wrong. Having a tenancy agreement is not likely to get her housing benefit. It would be better for her to rent from a commercial landlord who is a stranger. She should take legal advice (try Shelter) before leaving her current accommodation.

Pratchet · 27/04/2018 05:13

No, she won't leave. The stress could harm your baby.

Uggie · 27/04/2018 05:22

Has she hit rock bottom? Does she want to stop drinking or does she just want you to facilitate her drinking and provide her with a rent free home?

This is crucial. If she genuinely wants to stop then I think that changes things. Has she always drunk excessively? Has she ever tried rehab? A month in a treatment centre would possibly do her more good than a month at yours. But that would cost ££££.

I second a pp's suggestion about contacting Al Anon. If your husband has been dealing with her alcoholism his whole life, he could do with the support regardless of what you decide.

Nightfall1 · 27/04/2018 05:37

To clear up a point made by a few posters- the MIL would be entitled to claim HB if she were to move into her son's flat as long as he is not living there, "not being able to rent from a relative" is a myth, it completely depends on other factors such as if it a "contrived" tenancy.

This situation would not be considered a contrived tenancy as the son can prove that it has been previously rented out to others as a commercial let.
So this could be a solution to op's dilemma.

Faultymain5 · 27/04/2018 05:57

Actually determining whether she can 'rent' from her son is based on what the mortgage provider says. A btl mortgage usually specifies you can't rent to a blood relative.

Never mind the Housing Benefit situation. If whilst the OP is on mat leave they can afford not having the rental income, they are, most likely, contractually required not to move the mother in anyway. Unless they change the mortgage.

LudoFriend · 27/04/2018 06:01

Do not let her stay. Even a functioning alcoholic (my Mum is one) shouldn't be around a baby 24/7. You couldn't trust her with your DD, even if you believe you can. Please believe me on that.

On top of that, those first few weeks are magical, but also can be stressful. Sleepless nights, crying etc. She may (probably won't) not be able to cope with that. I'm not saying it would happen, but if the baby were driving her crazy, who knows what could occur. I don't want to scare you, but I do want you to think through every possibility before you decide.

CosmicCanary · 27/04/2018 06:04

Was her home attached to her job?
If not I dont understand why she will be homeless.
If it was then she can apply to the council to register with them.

lovesugarfreejelly63 · 27/04/2018 06:15

Whether your MIL stays for two weeks, two months or whatever, the problem is not going to go away on its own accord. She is an alcoholic, adult and should take responsibility for herself, but I do have a certain sympathy for your dh he appears to be between a rock and a hard place. Your little one comes first and foremost.

IStillMissBlockbuster · 27/04/2018 06:22

Why does your DH want to enable her alcoholism? I'm sure he cares for her and all but this won't actually be helping her in the long term and is likely to destroy their (and your) relationship.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 27/04/2018 06:37

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies but having lived with an addict I would say do not let her come and stay at all.

Firstly would you want an alcoholic around a 7 month? Sounds like an accident waiting to happen.

The secrets, the lies, the money issues, potential stealing and all the rows this causes. This is going to end horrifically for you and your partner if you let her in.

And by the way if you say 2 weeks or even a month, she will find an excuse at the end of each of those periods why she can't go, you'll never get rid of her!

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 27/04/2018 06:46

Call Shelter and Citizens Advice. Basically the council can find her emergency accommodation if she is discharged with nowhere to go.

Much harder if she’s at your house.

rwalker · 27/04/2018 06:48

you will never get rid of her and never get any rent for his flat when she has that .He's got a mortgage to pay on his flat she will not pay it YOU will end up paying ii

Shizzlestix · 27/04/2018 06:53

She’ll never leave.

TammySwansonTwo · 27/04/2018 07:14

Depressing how quick people are to advise the OP to make her DP’s mother homeless when we know very little about the situation, the extent of her illness (I do hope you’d all be different if she had some other physical illness).

I had alcoholic parents, one of whom was highly dangerous. The other was definitely an addict but the quantities consumed weren’t enough for most to pick up on it. DH’s Mum is an alcoholic and I find her difficult but I can’t imagine refusing to let her stay if she had nowhere else to go.

LuluJakey1 · 27/04/2018 07:15

She can get housing benefit as long as she has a tenancy/contract and it is all done as in any proper landlord/tenant agreement - just checked Shelter website.

Rudgie47 · 27/04/2018 07:17

I'd suggest rehab and she if she can get a residential place.Ask your GP where she needs to go to be assessed.The local drug and alcohol service will tell you as well.
If she wont then I'd take her to the homeless section of the council and they should give you some ideas.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 27/04/2018 07:27

Rudgie I think you’re being really optimistic about the sort of help that could be available to her. Rehab is fairly unlikely on the NHS (even if she want something to go, which is the only relevant factor) and she won’t be any kind of housing priority.

GoldenMcOldie · 27/04/2018 07:31

I will only against the grain. This is a person who is vulnerable and needs help. She is family.

I am the child of two alcoholic parents. I understand how hard it is. Don't let her illness and it's fallout make you hard and cold.

Patience and compassion perhaps?

Rudgie47 · 27/04/2018 07:40

I do know people who have gone to residential rehab easily enough but they were drug users or used both drugs and alcohol. The council will be able to signpost her even if its to a shelter and she will be able to put in application for housing. If shes vulnerable which she is then she would be awarded some priority.

Missingstreetlife · 27/04/2018 07:41

Many councils (& housing associations) have a surplus of bedsits and flats for over 55s which used to be warden controlled housing. For various reasons this hardly exists now and instead are suppported housing with a visiting support worker. This may work for your mil. Often almost no waiting list.
If it is hard to say no to your mil moving in it will be harder to throw her out. She needs jsa or esa and housing benefit and rented room or B&b in short term while you consider long term options which don't impinge on you. Throw some money at it now, but for her to be independent, not to live with you. You can help at arms length.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 07:55

Does he has a tenant in the flat? I feel sorry for that person, 'Move in a month so my addict ma can move in.' Private renting in the UK sucks. If your DP still has a mortgage on his flat, then I hope he is able to pay it without expecting rent - a) her LHA may not cover it entirely and b) some councils won't pay it to people renting from immediate family.

Inertia · 27/04/2018 08:05

Prepared to be corrected on this, but my understanding is that is she presents as homeless as soon as she is evicted she has a much greater chance of getting long-term housing via the local authority.

Once she is in your home she is regarded as adequately housed and they will wash their hands of her. If she moves in, you both need to be prepared to accept that this could be for the rest of her life, depending on the degree of her alcoholism.

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