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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ambu to refuse sacked and broke MIL to move in with us?

182 replies

Peachypop · 26/04/2018 21:38

So now my alcoholic MIL has been let go off her job and she's not got anywhere to go and she wants to move in with me, my DP and a 7 month old dd. Ambu for saying 2 weeks only, I know she's down but it's my maternity leave and I want to spend it with my daughter, it's the time I'm never going to get back and we don't really get on. My DP says we should agree a month but I know this will end up in a big argument and I just want to save us that.

So fed up of my parents and DP's parents constantly expecting financial help from us when we now have our own little family to look after. They should have planned for their retirement/bad times! So irresponsible! Makes me look like a horrible daughter in law but I just want to focus on my baby now!

It appears that she's completely broke, with no family or friends and nowhere to go. DP offered for her to stay in his flat (indefinitely) and pay the mortgage but he's waiting for his tenants to move out meaning she needs to stay somewhere for a month. And she wants to stay with us.... :/

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 08:11

Many councils no longer house single adults with no dependants beyond a month in a hostel or B&B if that.

Rudgie47 · 27/04/2018 08:25

OP I really wouldnt move her in with you, shes going to have no tolerance for a baby when shes hungover etc and its a recipe for disaster. When the baby is crying etc she wont be able to handle it and will be carrying on and arguing with you.
Its not suitable to have anyone in a drunk state round a baby obviously.I would just tell her and my husband no way its not safe.

Gabilan · 27/04/2018 08:26

Why does your DH want to enable her alcoholism? I'm sure he cares for her and all but this won't actually be helping her in the long term and is likely to destroy their (and your) relationship.

I doubt the DH sees it as enabling. From what I've seen of my mother's behaviour around my alcoholic father, she knows in principle that she's enabling him, but in practice sees no alternative. She loves him and does not want him out on the street, which he would be without her there to pay the bills. So she runs herself into the ground and has carried on working into her mid 70s through a host of illnesses, in the main part caused by the stress of dealing with an alcoholic.

I know that alcoholism is a disease. My dad (probably, he won't get an official diagnosis) is alcoholic and depressed. I got help with my depression because I have no partner to prop me up and I hit rock bottom. Whilst I have some sympathy with people who suffer from alcoholism, IME there's a large dose of utter selfishness that goes with it.

So I think if the OP's MIL is prepared to admit there's a problem and seek help, her family should try to help her. But if she's not admitting to this, IMO she will drag everyone down with her.

LakieLady · 27/04/2018 08:37

I wouldn't have an addict of any description living in my home, and there are only 2 adults and a dog living here. They are often chaotic, unreliable and dishonest, and when out of it are prone to breaking stuff and causing accidental fires.

Plus I have a fair few clients with addiction issues and it would be like being at work 24/7.

qazxc · 27/04/2018 08:40

Dmil is an alcoholic, I wouldn't have had her stay when she was drinking.
Enabling her with accommodation etc does not help her in the long run.
Dmil only got sober after going to rehab for a few months.

Topseyt · 27/04/2018 08:50

I have an alcoholic BIL. Under huge family pressure, we were once stupid enough to allow him to "rent" a flat we used to own. Both he and the rest of the family absolutely promised us that he would always pay his rent and would look after it as if it were his own. The works!

He trashed it and never paid us a penny before doing a runner. That was the point at which we changed the locks and told him that he no longer lived there. We cleared it out and re-let it.

So my message is no. Don't do this. In fact, don't let her stay at all.

TammyWhyNot · 27/04/2018 08:51

Is your DP evicting paying tenants in order to House his Mum who won’t pay any rent? Shock

I definitely would not agree to stay home all day in the company of an alcoholic that I don’t get on with. Your life will be hell, your DP must see this?

How will the mortgage on the flat be paid if she has been sacked? She won’t get benefits for ages.

I can see that it is hard for your DP to potentially see his Mum on the streets, none of us would want that. But he has to find another solution: would the council house her in a B&B as a homeless woman?

summerinthecountry · 27/04/2018 08:59

It is not safe to have your alcoholic mother in law living with you and the baby. Absolutely no way would she be staying for any amount of time.

I would not be giving her a flat so that she can drink herself senseless. No way. She needs to go to the council and get a place followed by a frank discussion with the GP about treatment. Your dp is deluded if he thinks he is helping her, he is simply facilitating her dependency.

summerinthecountry · 27/04/2018 08:59

would - should

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 27/04/2018 09:23

Over 55s is a great idea although you should be aware they won’t usually allow addicts. Truth is, many addicts do end up in them but often their associated behaviours will result in eviction. I agree with PP though, she is very likely to be able to get a place in such a scheme as they are very low demand.

Original poster
Peachypop · 27/04/2018 10:00

So, just to add, she's due to come bsck end of May after her teaching contract was terminated. The job came with accommodation. She has very little savings, not enough to rent and live for longer than a year. She's 63 and had cancer 3 times so is very fragile and I'd say unable to get any job, plus obviously drinking. Her family bailed her (financially) out before but now they've had an argument and they don't speak.

We live in a small 2 bedroom flat and we're hoping to sell his flat to buy a 2 bed house early next year. So it would be difficult for us to put someone up even for 2 weeks, as it would mean her staying in baby's room and dd sleeping in our bedroom (which is obviously very disruptive for her). The flat we live in now is mine, and we only live here until I get back to work and when we can see up and buy a house. I don't see how we can help long term.

OP posts:
CosmicCanary · 27/04/2018 11:05

Is she currently outside the uk OP?

Weezol · 27/04/2018 11:11

If you would have to live like that, it just reinforces my earlier reasons for saying no. Is your DH completely blind to the fact that, aside from the alcoholism, you do not have room for overnight stays?
Five people in a two bed is grim.

Marcipex · 27/04/2018 11:22

It's hard but I'd have to say no.
I wouldn't have an alcoholic near my baby, or live with one. And if you let her stay, you won't get her out again.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/04/2018 11:35

DO NOT let her stay.

If you do, you'll find it really hard to get rid - because she's in. You can't say you have no room because you clearly CAN fit her in. When she's there weeping and wailing your DP is going to find it impossible to chuck her out - because she'll presumably still have nowhere to go and no money. You will be stuck.

And once you take her in, she will be 'adequately housed' - so councils won't help.

You and her would be FAR better off long term for her to present herself as homeless. She may get a place - it will probably be b&b in the short term but you MUST try this route. The other is madness - giving your DP's place to her is really good of you but it's at huge cost to you.

Alcoholics are selfish, and cunning. And really not people you want in your home with a baby. And yes she will drink in your home.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/04/2018 11:43

Well, it's your flat, so dp has no business offering his mum to stay unless you are in full agreement.
Once she is with you, the council will deem her to be housed and not their problem. You will be stuck with her. If she moves into your dp's flat, same applies. Kiss goodbye to being able to sell it and buy a house. You and dp will essentially be going to work so you can financially support mil.
I would not allow this - an alcoholic around a baby is dangerous.

2andcountingtodate · 27/04/2018 12:26

Yanbu. Alcoholics and babied dont mix well.

DragonMummy1418 · 27/04/2018 12:38

Not seen if there's been any updates but if she is staying for any length of time then both you and your DP need to be really firm in saying absolutely no alcohol in the house whatsoever, ever and the second you find out if she did then she's gone.
No discussion, that is the rule.

DimpsieMizzle · 27/04/2018 13:16

As sad as her situation is, don't let her stay. As previous posters have said, addicts are manipulative and I speak from bitter experience.

I always got along with my MIL. She could be bloody annoying at times, but she was a fabulous grandma to my two girls. Then she got a tumour on her pancreas which was removed and she had a course of radiotherapy as they couldn't be 100% sure that it wasn't cancerous. When she finished her course of treatment, she began to drink and within 2 years was a full blown alcoholic. She said she drank because she was frightened that she might get cancer again. Hmm

She became so bad that we had to stop seeing her. Her behaviour was so awful and abusive that my DD's became frightened of her and we didn't want them remembering her like that.

To try and force us to come and visit her she began to tell everyone what bad parents we were. She'd babysat for me many times she the girls were very young and I was still crippled with PND and she twisted this into telling everyone that I was a neglectful mother who didn't want her children. She told everyone that she could that I was mentally unstable and that the reason that I wouldn't let her see my DD's was because I abused them and didn't want her to find out. She would make up all kinds of other terrible stories to try and force us, and my OH's siblings, to do what she wanted.

Fortunately nothing came of her lies and we didn't get a call from Social Services, but it incredibly stressful to live with the worry that her lies might be believed. My SIL is still trying to process her mother's dreadful behaviour more than a year after her death.

I know that alcoholism is an illness and I always tell myself that my MIL wasn't who she became in the last few years of her life, but it was a horrible situation to be in. The last thing you want with a new baby is a desperate, manipulative addict living with you. Addicts will say anything to get their own way. They lie; they wreck relationships, families and finances .... and the worse thing is that they don't really care . The addiction makes them utterly selfish.

Do not let her move in.... she won't want to leave and it's possible that she'll behave very badly if you ask her to go.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 27/04/2018 13:26

Will she be entitled to a state pension etc? Would she be eligible for over 55's housing? Those are easier to get than other tenancies where there is a social/medical need.

If she is eligible, going homeless might be her best bet - putting her in your husband's old flat is only postponing the inevitable, and could make it harder for her to get housed, which sounds like what is really needed here.

Idontdowindows · 27/04/2018 13:37

She is an alcoholic. People with these types of lifelong, severe addictions cannot be trusted, period.

People going "but she's his mum" forget that this does not entitle her to be helped at all cost, even if it is detrimental to the family.

It would be very detrimental to the family to help her.

OP, you say she has enough to rent and live for a year. Good, then she can rent and live for a year and she can sort herself out in that year.

Freyanna · 27/04/2018 13:55

I would book her into accommodation nearby (which she pays for) and only have her to visit when your DP is there.

Just tell her there isn't room and it won't work for you as a family with a new born.

I'd look into housing options through the council.

5foot5 · 27/04/2018 13:56

Just wondered...

Is she actually an alcoholic? Or does she just drink more than you approve of and your dislike of her is causing you to exaggerate?

fontofnoknowledge · 27/04/2018 13:58

Difficult one. Yes to all the people saying you don't need an alcoholic in the house.. but... if she was teaching abroad then she may fail the HRT test to qualify for. Emerita for the first three months - even if she's British..

There are solutions though that mean she doesn't have to live with you - but her DS can still take practical steps to help.

If she has savings .. you say 'She has very little savings, not enough to rent and live for longer than a year. '.. Well majority of landlords are happy to take six months up front for people with poor credit records..
If they won't, then your DP can act as guarantor perhaps.

That way she can live in a flat and claim housing benefit , and you don't have to lose the rental income on your dp property. Housing benefit is very stable and can be paid straight to the landlord, making the guarantee very low risk .

You can claim housing benefit renting to a relative but it's quite difficult. As op said there has to be a formal agreement. The council will turn it down and you will have to go to appeal. Also fraught with possible difficulties. As mixing money/property/ family rarely ends well.
Get MIL in her own flat paid for by the council - and keep your own flat for your own income. With a reliable tenant or sell for more spending power on new house.

fontofnoknowledge · 27/04/2018 14:01

Wtf is Emerita ?? Meant 'benefits'