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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think not everyone drives and that's ok?

243 replies

Thingiebob · 09/03/2018 13:55

I don't drive. I have tried and tried but I have some significant issues that mean I struggle with sensory overload and have brain freezes. I have had in excess of 100 hours of lessons and I am nowhere near test standard. Most people are unaware of my issues. They probably think I am a bit flaky and clumsy and not aware of much they impact my life. Even my own mother doesn't take them seriously.

AIBU to not want to disclose this info every time someone sneers at me for not driving or asks me relentless questions about my non-driving? What do I say?

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 09/03/2018 13:57

Can’t you just say you have a medical condition which means you aren’t able to drive?

AnneWiddecombesHandbag · 09/03/2018 13:59

I don't drive. I had loads of lessons and basically I'm shit at it. If people ask why I don't drive I tell them to mind their own business. You don't need to give anyone a reason. I walk all over, use public transport and never ask for lifts so my decision to drive has nothing to do with anyone else.

AnneWiddecombesHandbag · 09/03/2018 13:59

*to not drive

SweetMoon · 09/03/2018 14:02

I have no problem with people who can't for medical reasons. It does piss me off though when people who have passed their test decide they don't like driving and then expect everyone to run them around everywhere. I have family members like this and they are a pita. No issues, just 'don't like driving'.

JustDanceAddict · 09/03/2018 14:05

Sweetmoon!I drive but don’t particularly like it. For me it’s a necessity and if my life meant I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t.
To the OP, I know a few people who don’t drive - passed test or not - surely you just say ‘ I can’t drive for medical reasons’, then that’s it.

CatsForgotPassword · 09/03/2018 14:07

I agree. I get sick of the expectation that everyone drives. I may learn, but it’s expensive, bad for the environment and I don’t like the responsibility.

Better public transport would be great.

DrEustaciaBenson · 09/03/2018 14:07

I don't drive. I've never been sneered at in *RL for not driving. Sometimes someone will ask me if I ever learned. I just say I have never needed to, which is true.

I don't want the expense and bother of owning a car I don't need, and I don't want to add to the number of cars on the road, when there are already too many.

*people who don't drive not being regarded as functioning adults seems to be a particularly Mumsnet thing.

PickleFish · 09/03/2018 14:08

I drive, but don't like it much, and find bits of it still very stressful. I had over 100 hours of lessons, but I passed, and I can do it now. It can get better, just very slowly sometimes!

pigsDOfly · 09/03/2018 14:08

You don't have to justify your reasons for not driving to others, especially if they're sneery about it. A simple, 'no' is sufficient if people ask if you drive.

My son doesn't drive, only one in the family who doesn't, because he's never felt the need to learn. He either always walks everywhere or gets a cab if it's a local journey and for longer journeys there are trains and planes.

Don't think he's every felt like a failure because he doesn't drive. It's got nothing to do with anyone else.

YoloSwaggins · 09/03/2018 14:09

I agree. I don't drive because I had 60+ lessons and failed twice and still felt unsafe. I also have no desire to, it is a waste of money paying for a car/insurance/road tax/petrol/MOT/repairs.

However I've built my life around it - I walk to work, live near the train station in a town with links into London. I never need to drive anywhere and would never sponge lifts.

BackforGood · 09/03/2018 14:09

Of course it is ok, as long as the non-driver isn't demanding people run around after them offering lifts.
If a person can't drive because of medical issues, and is happy to share that, then asking for lifts is different from people who either just cba, or who choose to spend their money in other ways.
If a person who doesn't drive just gets themself everywhere independently, that, obviously is fine too.

Original poster
Thingiebob · 09/03/2018 14:09

I suppose I could. I feel a bit of a fraud as I have never had a proper assessment and diagnosis. I don't even know how to go about it at my age. In fact it was my learning to drive that made me realize that it is more serious than I thought. I can see it in my daughter who is actually having an assessment.

I get so embarrassed about it. I don't know my left from right. I struggle with proprioception. I get flustered and often can't deal with instructions unless they are broken down into discrete steps. I am, however, highly organised because I work off to-do lists and routines, so driving is to spontaneous for me to deal with. I think I probably am somewhere on the ASD spectrum but am high functioning.

OP posts:
CatsForgotPassword · 09/03/2018 14:10

not being regarded as functioning adults seems to be a particularly Mumsnet thing.

I’ve nrver seen that anywhere else either.

Batteriesallgone · 09/03/2018 14:11

I don’t drive, I have a licence, I just don’t like driving and my kids hate the car. It’s a handy excuse when I can’t be arsed to go somewhere. My family think I never travel - I just never travel to them! Grin

Not driving is a good thing, the environment just can’t cope with the amount of vehicles currently on the roads.

Lethaldrizzle · 09/03/2018 14:11

As long as you don't expect lifts all the time or it does not impact on colleagues at work then fine. Although it does sound like you may have valid medical issues

CavoliRiscaldati · 09/03/2018 14:11

As long as it doesn't impact on anyone else, of course it's ok, it's your own business.

If you live in Central London, you barely drive anyway. No one would even notice. If you are in the middle of nowhere and have to ask everybody for lifts, then it gets annoying. If you are completely independent, who cares.

Original poster
Thingiebob · 09/03/2018 14:12

I hate asking for lifts and would rather get somewhere under my own steam. Since having children it has made me realize how much easier my life would be if I could drive.

I really wish I could and I hate that I find it so difficult. I get the whole sneery' attitude from family members, and have recently had a friend really embarrass me in front of a group of people I didn't know by laughing at the fact I can't drive.

OP posts:
CatsForgotPassword · 09/03/2018 14:14

OP I have ASD and many of those things you described.

Original poster
Thingiebob · 09/03/2018 14:14

not being regarded as functioning adults seems to be a particularly Mumsnet thing.

I think people just don't have the balls to say this in real life but do actually think it.

It's really hard sometimes and limits me and my children's lives a lot. I have to make decisions around public transport which is minimal as Iive in the country

OP posts:
Original poster
Thingiebob · 09/03/2018 14:16

I have often wondered if I am on the ASD spectrum somewhere. I might see if I can find another thread about this.

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 09/03/2018 14:17

I definitely wouldn’t chose to live in the country if I couldn’t / didn’t want to drive. Especially with kids. I find that decision making odd to be honest. Not driving is only really workable in cities I think (and not just London!)

MakeMineAStrongOne · 09/03/2018 14:17

Your "friend" sounds like a complete arse. I don't drive and bar a few lessons (during which I managed to crash instructor's car!) I haven't really tried. Noone has ever been mean about it (to my face at least) and as I live in a big city it just isn't an issue, even with a child. Try not to dwell on this and focus on how much better it would be for the environment if noone drove!

pigsDOfly · 09/03/2018 14:18

Well your friend isn't a good friend OP is he/she embarrasses you like that.

troodiedoo · 09/03/2018 14:22

I don't drive either, have failed five times. I have poor concentration and can't think about all the different things.

I do get embarrassed when people ask, as they are so amazed I can manage without driving. I never ask anyone for lifts. Even regular taxis are cheaper than running a car.

beguilingeyes · 09/03/2018 14:25

I didn't learn to drive until I was 47. I failed a test at 17 and then gave up. I moved to London which meant I didn't need a car.

I eventually learned so I could visit my mum in the West Country where public transport is abysmal.

Almost 10 years on and I have horrible menopausal anxiety and I don't like driving any more. I don't mind so much when I'm alone in the car, but having a passenger makes me got to pieces.