AIBU to think not everyone drives and that's ok?

[Thingiebob]

I don't drive. I have tried and tried but I have some significant issues that mean I struggle with sensory overload and have brain freezes. I have had in excess of 100 hours of lessons and I am nowhere near test standard. Most people are unaware of my issues. They probably think I am a bit flaky and clumsy and not aware of much they impact my life. Even my own mother doesn't take them seriously.

AIBU to not want to disclose this info every time someone sneers at me for not driving or asks me relentless questions about my non-driving? What do I say?

Driving is a social coherence. If we didn't care, or couldn't do it, the consequences are disastrous - our western society is generally built on the individual freedom of transport albeit not genuinely granted.

The train controllers control you if you are a train 'customer'.

The car controllers, especially if you're young, fix the insurance to their own pockets. How ever would other years of capitalism and exploitation work?

Driving is freedom and independence for some but not for everyone. I don't want to meet a not a natural driver anywhere on the road.

Driving is a privilege not a right.

IMight - well yes, you have to look at the timetable, but you need to know which bus stop as well as the end destination of the bus and you need to know which is the bus stop before yours so that you can ring the bell and you need to ask the driver to let you know when your stop is coming because at night all you can see out is some traffic lights and your own reflection.
At least tubes and trains usually stop at each stop and often with an announcement telling you where you are.

I grew up taking the bus a lot, but was still flummoxed the first time I saw an urban bus time table. I was used to one that showed what time the but would be at each place whereas urban ones tend to tell you at what minute past each hour the bus stops at your bus stop.
You need local knowledge as well. My city has an electronic timetable at the bus stops, but they're not 'live' so they only show the time the bus is/was supposed to be there. They don't show any delays or cancelled buses and are very confusing.

I have no problem at all with people who don't drive, actually I respect the decision because it's great environmentally. However part of not driving is getting yourself around, not hassling others constantly for lifts, saying you have to meet at their end of town, etc. Not saying you are doing this, but if people are constantly commenting to you, maybe that is because you are imposing on them. In contrast, one of my friends recently told me she just got her licence. Until then I had no idea she didn't have it. It had never come up.

It's such a useful skill but if you don't feel safe for medical reasons OP then I agree it's best not to do it. "Brain freeze" when driving sounds terrifying. Much better not to drive than to be a hesitant and erratic driver and endanger yourself and others.

I got my licence asap thinking it an invaluable life skill. But just don’t need it living in London.

Was offered a free car a while back. Friends said I would use it more than I thought if I had it. Did the maths and it worked out cheaper to cab it everywhere!

people who don't drive not being regarded as functioning adults seems to be a particularly Mumsnet thing.

I'm not sure this is true. I've actually never met a person who can't drive, so I'd probably think it a bit weird if I did meet one.

I passed my test a year ago after feeling like 'I better learn' as people used to ask me when I'm gonna learn and say it gives you so much independence. I used to walk everywhere or get bus or taxi. I now regret learning as find it stressful, hate trying to find parking space when it's busy and overall prefer not driving. I regret learning and wish I had not felt pressured. Sometimes now I get bus or walk as it's actually easier and sometimes quicker.

I've only passed my test fairly recently but I do miss getting the bus. It took me 45mins to get to work (childcare is right next to our house) so I got an hour and a half to myself every single day. It was bliss; I used to read on the bus and I haven't finished a single book since I got my car.

I see what you mean, and you have a valid reason. However I can’t help but feel irritated when people who don’t drive expect to be driven around. When we invite my PIL (they are well off, NT adults) for dinner, it involves one of us having to make 2 x 1.5 hour round trips to collect them and bring them home.

Why don’t they just get a taxi Peachy?

I consider one of the big advantages of not driving is being able to drink! I certainly wouldn’t expect my dinner guests to pick me up. That’s just selfish behaviour and I’m guessing they’d be selfish whether they drove or not.

As my instructor said back when I learned, learning to drive gives you the gift of time. You get SO much more free time in your day to do what you like with when you can make an hour's journey by car when it's convenient for you rather than it taking three hours via public transport as a time that's convenient for the bus and train schedules.

It's well worth the expense to buy back the time you'd spent hanging around bus stops and train stations and going on journeys round the houses on both instead of going from a to b in your own car at your own convenience.

When we invite my PIL (they are well off, NT adults) for dinner, it involves one of us having to make 2 x 1.5 hour round trips to collect them and bring them home.

Peachy, I'd reframe that in your mind. They've clearly got you thinking you 'have to' make this trip when you really don't. They're adults and can get themselves to yours under their own steam if they want to. No way would I be driving for hours ferrying people around who are putting their own convenience before your being put out! That's ridiculous.

Living in a capital city I don’t need to drive. I have a license. I refuse to drive, it scares the utter shit out of me and I’ve had loads of follow up lessons after my test, on motorways too.

It’s just on Mumsnet that I find that if you can’t drive, some people don’t think you are a potential mate 😂🤣

This thread has shown me that in order to get away with not driving you do have to accept you won't always be able to go where you want when you want. I would be severely limited in terms of visiting friends and family and going to events if I only went via public transport rather than drove. If you're happy to have your circumference of regular travel restricted or don't have any reason to go further afield than the local supermarket then I suppose it makes little difference whether you drive or not!

It’s just on Mumsnet that I find that if you can’t drive, some people don’t think you are a potential mate 😂🤣

It really isn't. None of my very nice normal friends would consider a serious relationship with someone who couldn't drive. They all drive and wouldn't consider being with somebody who couldn't pull their weight in that area of life if they cohabited, had kids etc.

It's just weird in this day and age to decide not to get your licence if it's financially feasible. I do have one friend in their forties who can't drive and it baffles me that over the decades they've been able to they're still happy to limit themselves so greatly.

I have dated someone who didn't drive when we got together (he learned later) and I'd never do it again.

It’s fine OP

Honestly the proudest achievement in my life is getting a license . I stated lessons before my 30th and passed aged 36

I have NO idea how I kept going . I am not a massive fan of driving even now . A motorway drives makes me anxious and I often use public transport instead

i would say that there is something very stressful about learning to drive and the test . Hardest thing I have EVER done

Do you cycle ? I now have a bike with a large basket and that’s me most days !

Why don’t they just get a taxi Peachy?

I agree, however DH thinks I’m being bitchy when I suggest this. I’ve stopped inviting them as often

Not driving is fine as long as you don’t expect others to ferry you round all the time and act incredulous when they don’t.

I have a relative who doesn’t drive and I live 5 mins from the train station yet expects me to do a 200 miles round trip to see him and complains that I dont visit him enough 😒

Then when I do go and visit - it’s always I must go to X,Y, Z as there is always some urgent ‘task’ that needs to be accomplished so I end up being a taxi after a 2 hour drive!!!!

Life would be better if less people drove. Less congestion, fewer idiots who shouldn’t be allowed behind a wheel, fitter, slimmer children.

Limon

I go where I want when I want. One of the reasons I chose to live somewhere with such good public transport is that I don't want to drive. Using public transport is cheaper than owning a car in my experience. It's not at all limiting to me. It would be if I lived somewhere rural but I have no desire to.

My parents drive but never ferried me around anywhere when I was a kid, I always got there myself.

Do your friends and family all live fair close to major train and bus stations?

My difficulties would be in getting to see people who don't. Like I posted earlier the drive to see one of my best friends sixty miles away is an hour but public transport would take three hours each way and involve a grand total of four buses and two train journeys and an hour + walk or two cabs for the return journey.

As it stands with a car I can easily nip there and back, without a car it'd be an entire working day worth of time.

Yanbu. I can't drive. I've tried so hard. My last instructor actually gave me the boot for being too slow to pick it up. I've always struggled with my left and right, and have a lack of spatial awareness. I also find it overwhelming in a car, knowing where to look, so many lights, and sounds and things going on at once. People keep telling me to try an automatic because it's so easy....I was trying an automatic .

But I've not had anyone say anything negative to me about not being able to drive. I have seen comments on MN about it but that's all. I have had quite a few surprised comments from people when they discover it but nothing bad. I understand it's unusual not to be able to and I do feel kind of embarrassed that I can't. I'm used to getting around on foot/public transport and never ask for lifts anywhere. I wanted to learn because a long term health condition has made it harder for me to get to places without spending on taxis.

I do find that other people are often astonished at how far I’m willing to walk.

Also they really resist the idea that my ‘long’ walk can take the same amount of time as their ‘short’ drive door to door once you add in parking, walking from the car park etc.

It takes the same amount of time for me to walk to the train station as it does to drive from my house. FIL will not believe me! But with traffic, parking, and my good walking speed it is definitely easier and more ‘seamless’ for me to walk.

We live in a society that considers an hours walk a huge waste of time, whereas a 20 min drive that becomes 40 due to traffic, add 10 mins for getting in and out, parking, getting a ticket etc is a totally normal way to spend 50 mins and MUCH better than an hours walk

I don't drive simply because I don't like it very much and don't want to. For me I don't feel I need more reason than that. I walk everywhere and will use public transport if it is to far to walk. I live in an area where public transport is great and I have no inclination to move from here. My husband does drive, it makes some things more convenient like when we go on holiday, taking the kids swimming, him travelling to work and when we go to family functions. We could do all those things without a car but dh likes driving and having a car. I'll sometimes take lifts if offered but often decline. I never ask.

I have had some really shitty comments about not driving and people often question it. I find it so, so rude. I actually have had someone ask me what would I do if my dh died and couldn't drive me around everywhere ffs. Well for one, I think that wpuld be the last thing on my mind!! But also I'd do exactly what I do now and walk or use public transport. I do not NEED to drive.

Agree that it would be a lot better for the world if a lot of people didn't drive. I'm not saying people shouldn't and for some its a really importan skill to have and really helps them in daily life. For others it makes them lazy. I live a ten minutes walk from my kids school, people who live closer take the car and not all them are.going to work after. My neighbor drives there and back each day....why. I walk the half hour each way into town regularly with my 5, 3 and 1 year old children (1 year old in the pram) and people comment how its cruel on the kids yep. So cruel to 'make' them walk.