Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think not everyone drives and that's ok?

243 replies

Thingiebob · 09/03/2018 13:55

I don't drive. I have tried and tried but I have some significant issues that mean I struggle with sensory overload and have brain freezes. I have had in excess of 100 hours of lessons and I am nowhere near test standard. Most people are unaware of my issues. They probably think I am a bit flaky and clumsy and not aware of much they impact my life. Even my own mother doesn't take them seriously.

AIBU to not want to disclose this info every time someone sneers at me for not driving or asks me relentless questions about my non-driving? What do I say?

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 09/03/2018 19:02

I actually think it's more crucial to be able to get yourself around via car as you are relying solely on yourself as opposed to somebody else

And yet I've managed for decades just fine. Amazing!

(Hint: I don't rely on anyone else.)

Batteriesallgone · 09/03/2018 19:33

I don’t understand why drivers want to encourage / guilt others into driving. Maybe it’s just where I live, but traffic jams are frequent and everyone driving to work for 9am makes what should be a 30 min journey over an hour. Look at the traffic jams into Cornwall and Devon over the summer. We don’t need more cars! We need decent public transport that joins up effectively (between trains / buses / planes).

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 19:33

I suppose to me ArcheryAnnie there is quite a big psychological difference in being able to decide to go somewhere, go get in my car and be travelling under my own steam, choosing my own route, in solitude, in seconds.

What I hate about using buses and cabs is how you are still at the whim of somebody else. I love Uber in busy cities but when I wanted one the other week there wasn't one available for half an hour. And my own experience of buses is that they never arrive when they're supposed to, you can be waiting 45 minutes for a bus that is supposed to come every ten, it's miserable having to stand for an indefinite time in possibly miserable weather ruining your hair and makeup not knowing when or if it'll show up.

I still feel I'm relying on the whim of the bus driver, bus schedule, cabbie, when I could just use my own transport and be the boss of my own time.

Do you ever travel outside of your town or city much? I go back to my home city around 60 miles away fairly often to see friends (every week or two usually), the ones I visit live on the outskirts of the city, I live a 30 min walk plus bus ride from the town centre here.

With car it takes an hour. And costs £6 petrol each way (not including running costs of course)

On public transport (I just double checked!) it takes three hours each way, involving a 15 min walk to the bus stop, then a long train journey, a bus from the destination train stop and then a 40 min walk or a taxi. Not sure the total cost but it's clearly a very cumbersome and thrice as long journey.

As it's an hour in the car I can pop after work, stay a couple hours, then come home. To do so on public transport would be the equivalent of a full working day and impossible unless it was a weekend (a Saturday as Sunday changes the schedules!).

These friends have some severe health issues and I couldn't have been there for them like I have been over the last decade to pop over with an hour's notice, take him to hospital while his wife stays with their child or watch the child while wife takes my friend to A&E. I could only have visited once per week max, assuming I did nothing else with my weekend. And not be relied upon in emergencies.

If your lifestyle is set up so you don't go far, are never needed at a moment's notice for poorly relatives or family friends, you live super close to a train station or bus stop that runs regularly and goes far then I fully see why you don't find a car necessary. But personally I'd never want to risk clipping my wings to the extent I was unable to make a simple decision off my own back to go somewhere without someone else's aid!

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 19:34

Batteriesallgone I think many are sick of being relied upon to be the default lift giver and feel it's time to take a stand!

Luckily I don't have that issue as my friends aren't users but I empathise with those that do.

Batteriesallgone · 09/03/2018 19:44

Nope Limon, because in the past five years I’ve been in a car perhaps ten times, driven only by DH or a taxi driver.

Yet people still insist I ought to drive.

Sidge · 09/03/2018 19:46

I love driving, and had my first lesson on my 17th birthday.

I can't imagine not having a car - it gives me so much freedom and has become essential for me now, living quite rurally and having a disabled child.

I didn't have a car for years after I passed my test - went to university in London so didn't need one (and couldn't have afforded one!) and then joined the military and didn't need one initially. I then bought my first car at the ripe old age of 23 and haven't been without one since.

However I am also capable of navigating my way around on trains, planes and buses - being a driver doesn't mean I can't do those things. I don't know anyone in my friends and family that can't drive, but wouldn't think less of anyone that chose not to unless they took the piss expecting others to run them around everywhere.

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 19:46

Batteriesallgone I'm guessing the diameter of the area around your home you regularly travel is quite small? Not being a GF, just genuinely curious. I wonder if a lot of people who say they don't need cars don't because they don't go very far (nothing wrong with that).

TheSecondOfHerName · 09/03/2018 19:50

I have dyspraxia and generalised anxiety disorder. Also sensory issues and traits of autism.

I have a driving licence and drive regularly. However, I can only drive an automatic and can only drive fairly short distances (up to about 45 minutes without a break). I have difficulties with directions, so need to use satnav unless a route is very familiar. I find motorway driving, driving in the dark on unlit lanes and driving in rainy conditions very tiring.

I see a lot of judgement on mumsnet towards people who don't feel confident driving on motorways, or in the dark, or unfamiliar routes. These things are difficult for me no matter how much I practise. Judging me as 'lazy' or 'awkward' doesn't help.

Olga81 · 09/03/2018 19:50

I've witnessed plenty of needling of my fiance for not driving

not being regarded as functioning adults seems to be a particularly Mumsnet thing. I think people just don't have the balls to say this in real life but do actually think it.

No people come out with all sorts of crap like this in real life. My OH doesn't drive for medical reasons (epilepsy) and he gets all sorts of stupid comments about not driving/being driven round by me.

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 20:11

My OH doesn't drive for medical reasons (epilepsy) and he gets all sorts of stupid comments about not driving/being driven round by me.

That's shit. I would never make a comment to somebody in person directly about their decisions re driving despite having my own private view (like with many things).

And if my OH couldn't drive for a medical reason I'd happily do all of our driving forever (with the understanding obviously he figured out ways to get around when it's just him and I'm busy). That wouldn't be his fault and it'd be as gross to have an issue with that as judging a blind person for not driving in a marriage.

When people can but choose not to and then it impacts others, that's when it starts to cross a line imo. And it absolutely affects a partner in a relationship when one does and one won't.

Batteriesallgone · 09/03/2018 20:16

Limon yeah I guess. I’ve got 3 kids and am a SAHM with one in school. My days are dominated by school run, baby groups, bedtime. I don’t think I’m much more restricted than my driving friends though, certainly they seem to also do bedtime and adult tv and wine time rather than getting the kids in the car and going on adventures every night.

BakedBeans47 · 09/03/2018 20:17

I drive, don’t love it hate it it’s just something I do. I hate public transport though, although if I didn’t have a car and had to use it I guess I wouldn’t really think anything of it.

I do hate how dependant I am on my car though if I couldn’t drive for medical reasons or the car was off the road I’d feel really stuck which I suppose isn’t right.

I’ll probably encourage my kids to learn to drive ASAP but just so it’s something under their belt for when they’re job hunting.

I’m not bothered whether people drive or not and I don’t mind giving lifts as long as people don’t take the piss.

ForalltheSaints · 09/03/2018 20:19

It is perfectly OK not to drive. A significant number who do would not be allowed to any more were I to decide the laws on such matters.

StarUtopia · 09/03/2018 20:24

I personally couldn't function in life without being able to drive - but then if you don't drive, presumably you make life choices which facilitate this.

So long as you're not sponging lifts off people left right and centre, nothing to do with them!

I would just say you have a medical condition - just to shut them up.

IfNot · 09/03/2018 20:33

If you don’t want to drive, that’s fine it shouldn’t be a problem as long as you can take care of your own transportation needs.
See, no. This is the problem with the UK, right here.
The last thing we need is a)more cars on the road and b)more bad drivers.
Citizens being able to travel about is the responsibility of everyone. We need actual, reliable and cheap public transport, and we need it very soon, because the current level of traffic, plus the apalling provision of public transport is a crisis. It's not good enough to get into your car that's the size of a small house and sneer about bus wankers and not expecting lifts. Everybody in this country should be campaigning for the ability of the majority of the population to move around without driving.
And I say that as someone who drives but wishes I didn't have to!

LongWavyHair · 09/03/2018 20:34

I can drive but I haven't driven a car now for 8 years, and the thought of it terrifies me now.

Life would be so much easier if I owned a car, but I won't be getting one any time soon. It's nobody else's business how I get from a to b. I don't ask for lifts so people should keep their opinions to themselves, which they have done so far Smile

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 09/03/2018 20:38

ArcheryAnnie

I feel almost the exact opposite, LimonViola. I see too many young people who are absolutely helpless without access to a car, and who have no idea how to navigate in the world without one. I see being able to use public transport as an essential independence skill, and over-dependence on a car, even for young people who grow up in cities and towns with perfectly adequate public transport, a mark of having mummy and daddy having given them too many lifts when growing up.

Totally agree. I have met a fair few adults who cannot work public transport, and resort to taxis if they can't use their car, even though I happen to know there was a perfectly adequate direct bus route for the location.

Kursk · 09/03/2018 20:45

IfNot

You miss interpreted what I mean by “take care of your own transportation needs”

I meant that the individual should be able to walk cycle, or live close enough to public transportation. Rather than not driving and bumming lifts off people

IfNot · 09/03/2018 20:47

Ofk. But so many places increasingly have no public transportation, or nothing that's usable. A lot of people get in their cars and have no idea how bad things have got in most smaller communities. (And as long as they have their car they don't really care).

Kursk · 09/03/2018 20:48

I have met a fair few adults who cannot work public transport, and resort to taxis if they can't use their car, even though I happen to know there was a perfectly adequate direct bus route for the location.

That would include me, I dislike public transport and avoid it where possible. Besides I have now chosen to live somewhere miles from any form of public transport.

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 09/03/2018 20:51

Also: come on!

Aren't there enough shite drivers on the road? Surely we should celebrate all the people who have reviewed their general co-ordination, attention span, spatial awareness and ability to concentrate, and said, "erm, I don't think I'd be safe"?

If you have ever muttered or growled to yourself some variant of "shouldn't be on the fucking road" or "how the fuck did you pass?", you shouldn't be judging people for choosing not to drive. It is beyond ridiculous to turn round and ride roughshod over other people's personal judgement that they would be bad drivers.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/03/2018 21:01

"I have met a fair few adults who cannot work public transport, and resort to taxis if they can't use their car, even though I happen to know there was a perfectly adequate direct bus route for the location."

I've met a lot of people who will use a tube/metro or train, but not a bus.
To be fair, it is difficult to take a bus in a new area, especially at night.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/03/2018 21:04

" I wonder if a lot of people who say they don't need cars don't because they don't go very far (nothing wrong with that)."

You can go very far by train, bus or even plane. It's just the smaller places that are difficult to get to.

DrEustaciaBenson · 09/03/2018 21:13

I wonder if a lot of people who say they don't need cars don't because they don't go very far (nothing wrong with that).

I live in SE England. I regularly travel around my own region and up to London, and in the last ten years or so I've been to the Midlands (many times) the north of England (several times) Wales (twice) and Scotland.

A lot of people get in their cars and have no idea how bad things have got in most smaller communities. (And as long as they have their car they don't really care).

Quite. If people used their local shops, instead of driving to the supermarket, and used the buses instead of jumping in the car, then maybe those things would still be there.

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 09/03/2018 21:15

^I've met a lot of people who will use a tube/metro or train, but not a bus.
To be fair, it is difficult to take a bus in a new area, especially at night.^

It's certainly difficult if you don't bother looking at any kind of bus timetable!