AIBU to think not everyone drives and that's ok?

[Thingiebob]

I don't drive. I have tried and tried but I have some significant issues that mean I struggle with sensory overload and have brain freezes. I have had in excess of 100 hours of lessons and I am nowhere near test standard. Most people are unaware of my issues. They probably think I am a bit flaky and clumsy and not aware of much they impact my life. Even my own mother doesn't take them seriously.

AIBU to not want to disclose this info every time someone sneers at me for not driving or asks me relentless questions about my non-driving? What do I say?

I think it's difficult to envisage how life changing it can be going from not driving to driving until you do it

and conversely of course - most people have to give it up at some point in their life - be prepared. My MIL decided to retire to a village with no public transport. Now her health has deteriorated to a point where she cannot drive.

Her world has become much smaller because of the choices she made without thinking of her future.

I didn't learn to drive until I was 42. I was never apologetic before that and not driving had some unexpected advantages for me professionally. No one ever said anything negative. Then I had kids. I'm a single parent. It's been brilliant!

I'd much rather those who find driving stressful or who don't feel very good at it stay off the road than be pressured into it and be frightened and/or unsafe.

OP you don't have to explain why you don't drive to anyone. It's no one's business.

IheartNiles To practice with a family member, said family member has to have a car. Lots of teenagers in this country are poor, they don’t all have access to cars

There are poor teenagers/people all over the world, yet they manage to get a license. There are other options besides a family car or expensive driving lessons.

I know of one 18 year old who had to leave home under dreadful circumstances. She struck up a deal with a friend's family to basically become their chauffeur for a year in exchange for them supervising her driving time. She knew that getting a license was her ticket to freedom - a better job and a better life than the one she'd experienced up until then.

Well that’s the answer... Except poor people hold down jobs, normally changeable shift work. So when do they have time to be unpaid chauffeurs then?

No one works 24 hours a day, so it's easy to organise mutually convenient times..... same as if they were paying for lessons or taking the family car out.

"I think it's difficult to envisage how life changing it can be going from not driving to driving until you do it"

That's one of the reasons why I don't want to drive. I don't want to be one of these people who drives everywhere, shopping in out of town complexes, etc.

I really relate with everything you’ve said, OP.

My DS has ASC and I suspect I may have some of his issues. I’m pretty sure I am dyspraxic, and I have issues with sensory overload, concentration and executive functioning.

I learned to drive in my 30s out of absolute necessity - once I had two DC at different schools and with endless appointments to get to for DS and DDs never ending social life. Trudging on the bus just wasn’t cutting it anymore.

It was a long, painful and expensive process. I failed my test several times and the anxiety involved in learning this new skill that I struggled terribly to master was crippling at times. I used to dread my lessons and was physically sick before each one of my tests. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I passed, though. And to be honest it HAS been life changing for me. Not just in terms of practical issues, but because I finally mastered something I never, ever thought I could. The confidence that has given me has been an amazing boost.

If you just don’t need to or want to drive, I don’t see any issue with that and it’s nobody else’s business. But if fear or a feeling that you just CANT do it is holding you back, I would say reconsider.

"money saved driving rather than a train for longer journeys"

But you lose the time. On the train you can do other things.

"being able to be there for your loved ones quickly in an emergency (especially for those of us who are spread out geographically and don't live in the same town as everyone we know)"

Once you're in a different region, it's often quicker to take the train. The train is the best option for me to get to my parents area'.

More convenient food shopping - I'll give you that. If you have a family, it's difficult on the bus, but the occasional taxi might still be cheaper than all the expense than the cost of running a car.

The only times I wish I had a car is for things like going to the tip or to Ikea, but these are once every 10 year things.

"being able to meet people wherever you like"

I live 20 minutes walk from the city centre and that's where I like to meet people. I can access many places in the countryside by bus or train. Yes, that makes me rely on that public transport, but I've mentioned above the hassle of travelling with a car, finding parking and having to leave after a certain amount of time because you had to choose how long you were staying in the car park in advance.

You just live your life differently without a car. One of my friends lives in the suburbs. I saw him in the afternoon and he was going out in the evening. I was surprised that he was going home to change when I would have just worn clothes that worked for both events rather than take the time to go all the way home. He said as he had a car the journey home and back wasn't much. Fair enough, but when he goes out it's either an expensive taxi or not drinking. I much prefer my life to that.

But you lose the time. On the train you can do other things.

I have a relative who lives nearby that I see regularly. It takes eight minutes by car. I just worked out that if we were take public transport to see each other, it'd take almost two hours one way. Where is the time saved there?

I had to rush over there one time at midnight due to an emergency. No public transport at that time. Who know how long it would've taken to wait for a taxi.

emmyrose - my point about train time was for long journeys, not local ones.
I don't deny that cars are useful and sometimes necessary in the countryside, but not for people living in towns and cities.

Being able to drive a car isn’t a necessity in our Western society, but neither is being able to cook a meal, change a plug or use a computer, and I would judge you if chose not to learn to do those things. It’s an undeniably useful, potentially life-saving, skill to have.

Being able to drive doesn’t mean you have to drive all the time, either. You don’t have to own a car. Not being able to drive doesn’t make you green.

Of course, if you are unable to drive, cook, or whatever because of medical issues, no-one should criticise you.

I love not having/needing a car. Cars are ugly, expensive, polluting, life threatening, energy sapping cons.

I think it absolutely depends where you live. And people find that difficult to understand. It takes me an hour to get to work in a car, but it would be 2 and half hours on public transport. Public transport outside of cities is awful and we should be talking about this. But I suppose it's down to usage as well and I am guilty of that as anyone. Even if public transport was the same time as the car I wouldn't use it. I value the flexibility of a car and the fact that I can carry vast amounts of stuff with me.

Gwenhwyfar. I have family who live 1.5 hours away by car, but it's a minimum of 2.5 hours by train. I'd rather spend that extra hour with the family, not on a train, where I might not even get a seat.

Being able to drive doesn’t mean you have to drive all the time, either. You don’t have to own a car. Not being able to drive doesn’t make you green

Definitely. There seems to be an attitude here from some posters that the moment you pass the driving test you have to fork out thousands on buying a car, paying for insurance etc. That's simply not the case.

Having a license doesn't mean you have to have a car, or at least not immediately. But it gives you the freedom and independence to make choices. After getting my license it opened up so many options for me work wise. Before getting my own car I used to get a lift to work at my first job (I paid for petrol and tolls), as there was no public transport. But once I was there I was able to do a lot of the jobs that required driving (in the company cars), thus freeing up my bosses to do the stuff they really needed to do.

It does depend on where you live. My father lives in rural Ireland. He’d be completely stuck without a car. There is one bus into town a week and if it’s full when it gets to your stop, tough luck.

We’re in London and a car is a lifestyle choice, I suppose. It’s just so bloody convenient to have the option to drive, though. I drive to work because my journey would be awkward and take three times as long and mean three bus changes. As it is, I can jump in the car, drop DD to school and get to work in 40 mins. That convenience makes a big land positive difference to our lives.

Rarely use the car at weekends, though, other than to do a food shop. But we have the tube, so are pretty spoilt. I’d never even consider driving in to central London.

"I have family who live 1.5 hours away by car, but it's a minimum of 2.5 hours by train. I'd rather spend that extra hour with the family, not on a train, where I might not even get a seat."

Yes, but I've said twice now that the train time thing was about long distance travel. When you go long distance you always get a seat. Some parts of the journey might be full with people going to their local city, but not for hours and hours.

"Not being able to drive doesn’t make you green."

Well, maybe not if you fly many times a year, but in general non-drivers are MUCH greener than drivers.

And why would I need to change a plug?
I chaged a fuse once as a teenager, but changing a plug has just never come up in my adult life. Appliances are sold with the plug on.

"Being able to drive doesn’t mean you have to drive all the time, either. You don’t have to own a car. "

So you spend over 1k for nothing?

I don't drive, I'm epileptic. Everyone I tell that to acts like it's such a hardship but really it's just a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things.

The only time I’ve had to rush to someone in an emergency, they were already in the ambulance and we went to hospital. On public transport plus a walk. Because that was quicker and easier than driving in traffic and trying to park anywhere vaguely close to the hospital.

I don't see what I could do in an emergency anyway, not being an emergency worker.

Public transport outside of cities is awful and we should be talking about this.

OK, let's talk about it.

Even if public transport was the same time as the car I wouldn't use it.

Discussion over, then.

I must admit it was miserable being a child in a car free home! my friends all had dads that took them out on bank holidays or just for a drive to a forest for a walk or something that sounded lovely to me - we had to wait for buses or trains, lug heavy bags around- couldnt do much as didnt have the money for the fares ( that crept up and up in the 70s) and a day out was a coach trip with mum's local church now and again.
it wasnt much fun really. my dh had a much more exciting time with his parents, trips away on holiday, camping etc all the things you can do with a car as he is dad always owned one and still does at 91. however, i still dislike driving on today's roads and the pot holes are worse than other drivers too.