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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think not everyone drives and that's ok?

243 replies

Thingiebob · 09/03/2018 13:55

I don't drive. I have tried and tried but I have some significant issues that mean I struggle with sensory overload and have brain freezes. I have had in excess of 100 hours of lessons and I am nowhere near test standard. Most people are unaware of my issues. They probably think I am a bit flaky and clumsy and not aware of much they impact my life. Even my own mother doesn't take them seriously.

AIBU to not want to disclose this info every time someone sneers at me for not driving or asks me relentless questions about my non-driving? What do I say?

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 09/03/2018 15:24

I can drive, but I haven't for decades. I have arranged my life so that I don't need to, and neither does my DS.

I think the world would be a slightly nicer place (and we'd all be at slightly less risk of our kids having to live through a dystopian climate-change-altered near-future) if more people arranged their lives so that they didn't drive.

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/03/2018 15:25

don't like driving doesn't usually mean "I find it a bit boring" or "it's just not my thing". It usually means "I find it stressful dealing with slip roads/lane changes/roundabouts" or "I'm too nervous to go at 60mph on NSL roads" ... in other words, precisely those drivers who are told on mumsnet "with the greatest respect, if you can't deal with slip roads/ lane changing/ roundabouts/drive at the speed limit, you shouldn't be driving"

ArcheryAnnie · 09/03/2018 15:26

And on the lift thing - I do sometimes accept lifts (and offer petrol money) but for most journeys I'd much rather go by public transport anyway.

GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 15:57

I passed my test years ago but never taken to driving. In fact it's a phobia for me and so I just don't do it. I think I'm a bad driver with rubbish coordination and my mind freezes when there is lots of things going on at the same time. I think I would be a danger to myself and others if I drive. Unfortunately I live in the countryside where there is no public transport. I rely on my partner which is not ideal.

A pp mentioned dyspraxia and I just looked it up and seemed to tick almost all the boxes for it! Interesting

blastomama · 09/03/2018 16:04

What's wrong with asking for a lift? If you don't want to give somebody a lift, you don't have to

It's not really that simple though. People ask for lifts, and "I don't want to" is not really an acceptable answer, so you have to lie or give someone a lift when you really don't want to. Often they come to expect it, and you feel taken advantage of.
I give plenty of lifts, it's fine. But I had a job a while ago where one woman kept asking for a lift, I kept giving them even though I didn't want to (she was annoying and I wanted quiet and she would never stop talking at me!) and she started taking it for granted and expecting it every day and getting arsey if I wouldn't. No offer of petrol money or any return favours though, ever.
I've heard similar stories many times.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 16:05

I pity people who don't want to help others

That's kind of the problem, isn't it? Hmm

BitchQueen90 · 09/03/2018 16:08

I don't drive and don't ever intend to. Aside from the fact that I had a couple of lessons and I was shit, it's just too bloody expensive.

Luckily I live in a very large commuter town in between 2 cities and there are countless bus services to choose from, some of which run 24 hours a day. I also live a 10 minute walk from the train station so really I have no need to drive. I love walking too, I walk for about 90 minutes a day just doing the school run and to work.

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 16:09

people who don't drive not being regarded as functioning adults seems to be a particularly Mumsnet thing.

It's not a MN thing, lots of people away from the site think it too. It's just people aren't usually rude to people in person so they'd only rarely comment with their thoughts on non drivers.

On a site like this which is anonymous people feel more able to be honest about their views. My friendship group is full of lovely people and not one doesn't drive, and when it's come up (usually when talking about dating) everyone has said they do judge someone as being immature or unambiguous and frankly a bit weird if they choose not to even get their licence and would refuse to date them.

BitchQueen90 · 09/03/2018 16:10

I never ask for lifts either, being in cars too long gives me motion sickness. I prefer trains and buses as they're more spacious and I don't feel cramped.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 16:11

people who don't drive not being regarded as functioning adults seems to be a particularly Mumsnet thing

Of course it isn't, its just that people aren't going to say it to your face in real life are they?

Octopus37 · 09/03/2018 16:14

I dont drive, failed four times, cause I went to pieces. TBH dont think I would have been a very good driver. Would try again if I had the money but probably not the best thing as I iwould be a nervous wreck and have a really bad sense of direction.

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 16:14

Great post JustGettingStarted. In this day and age if I met someone around my age or younger (I'm 30) who could have afforded to learn but didn't it'd definitely come across a bit like 'failure to launch' into adulthood. Developing your own independence to get yourself around is a basic part of the transition between childhood and adulthood. Driving is a necessary skill for many these days you simply can't do without.

My best friend's son is almost fifteen and wants to learn as soon as he hits seventeen, it's not looking likely they can afford it (terminally ill dad and mum who can't work many hours as she's his carer), I'm saving up over the next couple years to give him a few hundred for his 17th towards lessons. Have cleared it with his parents.

Saz1995 · 09/03/2018 16:14

My mums the only one who doesn't drive because of her severe anxiety, I don't mind driving her to places as it gives me an excuse to go shopping with her lol

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 16:14

He's more of a nephew without the blood tie though!

user1490465531 · 09/03/2018 16:18

Not everyone can afford lessons,tests,cars and then tax and insurance as well as maintaining a car.
If people think I'm a non functioning adult for not being able to afford the above then so be it.

thecatsthecats · 09/03/2018 16:19

I've witnessed plenty of needling of my fiance for not driving (he's just started lessons), but honestly, when we tell people that neither my fiance or I can ride bikes it's like you've told them we mutated from a tadpole form. It's seen as downright weird, whereas the car stuff seems to be taken more normally.

Thing is, none of the adults we know who find it so incredulous even own bicycles. I have never desired to go somewhere faster than walking or slower than driving.

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 16:20

For me it's about the basic skill of driving and whether you choose to learn or not. Not owning a car necessarily (as I've mentioned earlier). If someone is unable to afford to learn that's a totally different matter. Your circumstances are preventing you. That's a world of difference to being able to afford it and just going 'nah'.

I think it can be a generational thing too, parents who don't drive might not encourage their kids to learn as 'I got by without it'. I'd encourage kids to learn asap at 17 if financially feasible even if you don't need to get a car for years afterwards.

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 16:22

Thing is, none of the adults we know who find it so incredulous even own bicycles. I have never desired to go somewhere faster than walking or slower than driving.

I think again it's a cultural belief that learning to ride a bike is just a normal part of childhood like driving a car is to adulthood. I don't own a bike and have only ridden one once in the last decade but am very surprised to hear you and your fiancé were never taught.

ItsuAddict · 09/03/2018 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyowlagain · 09/03/2018 16:31

It's totally okay that not everyone drives - I didn't learn until a couple of years ago, I was in my thirties. My place of work is 50 miles from home and the cost of driving is quite literally half the cost of the train. So whilst it was expensive to learn to drive, I've already saved that equivalent amount of money. One of the best things I've ever done, and should have done sooner. Even though I've always lived and worked in cities with good public transport, it really has opened up my options and freedom and flexibility now that I have a car. I have several friends my age who can't drive and have no intention of learning to drive (and they don't pester for lifts) but I do gently encourage people to learn if they can.

thecatsthecats · 09/03/2018 16:32

I think again it's a cultural belief that learning to ride a bike is just a normal part of childhood like driving a car is to adulthood. I don't own a bike and have only ridden one once in the last decade but am very surprised to hear you and your fiancé were never taught.

Funnily enough his best friend was never taught either, though I don't know why.

I had the opportunity to keep learning on the bike in our garage, and my sister and I would muck around, but it broke, and neither of us were interested in replacing it. Where we lived was in the deep countryside and negotiating between bridleways and footpaths was a pain for normal places to go, and neither of us were bothered.

For my fiance, I imagine it ties in with his general balance issues caused by severe premature birth (25 weeks/1lb). He doesn't like doing anything like that!

But yes, people think of it as integral, can't imagine a childhood without arsing around on a bike no more can I imagine a childhood away from the deep countryside.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 16:33

I've witnessed plenty of needling of my fiance for not driving (he's just started lessons), but honestly, when we tell people that neither my fiance or I can ride bikes it's like you've told them we mutated from a tadpole form. It's seen as downright weird, whereas the car stuff seems to be taken more normally

I would find it a bit odd that people who didn't drive also did not have bicycles, but I wouldn't say so.

biggreenbows · 09/03/2018 16:37

Your post reminds me of how I felt when I was learning to drive. I dread to think how many hours of lessons I had and how much money I ended up spending. It took me about 5 years (with some big gaps in between 'spates' of lessons when I just couldn't face the idea of it) and 4 instructors. The first 3 instructors were clearly frustrated with me (and didn't really try to hide it) and kept putting me in for tests then making a big deal of what a hassle it was to cancel when they decided I wasn't ready. They also went through things once and fast, then expected me to get it. The final instructor broke everything down in to simple steps (large parts of our early lessons were spent stationary drawing diagrams and/or demonstrating with toy cars). Most importantly he didn't make me feel stupid for being slow to learn this skill and tried to get to know where my strengths were so he could suit his explanations etc to me. If your experience is like my early lessons were, and you really want to learn I'd recommend changing instructors. I was very upfront with mine about my issues and the fact that I would need help. Some I approached were suddenly 'fully booked' but he didn't seem phased at all.

FWIW I am now a safe and competent driver, albeit not someone who would ever drive for fun.

In answer to your actual question though- yes it's OK to not be able to drive but what is irritating is people who say that they don't see the point/don't want the expense/don't have a car on environmental grounds who then expect others to go out of their way to provide them with transport.

Firesuit · 09/03/2018 16:48

people who don't drive not being regarded as functioning adults seems to be a particularly Mumsnet thing.

My experience of growing up in another country (not US) is similar to JustGettingStarted. An adult who couldn't drive was virtually unheard of. Very few could hold down a job, have a social life, or even shop for groceries, if they did not have a car.

The UK is different though, most housing here was originally built on the assumption that the occupants would not rely on a car. So population density is high and public transport is often a feasible way to get around. So it's not true that you need to be a able to drive to be a functioning adult in the UK. Though not being able to drive will constrain options for places where you can live or work.

I look forward to widespread implementation of self-driving cars. My four-year-old Golf is definitely my last car. When that goes, it will be replaced by either self-driving taxis, or if they haven't arrived yet, Uber.

Firesuit · 09/03/2018 16:50

DD is 7. I expect driving to be an obsolete skill in the UK, but the time she's old enough to take her test.