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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?

437 replies

silenthorror · 11/02/2018 10:01

Before I get flamed to a crisp, I’m 100% talking about me!

I need to lose a good 5stone to be a healthy BMI, although generally speaking I can live with being a stone or so overweight. So 4stone at a minimum.

I’ve never had any interest from men really. And I can’t help but think it’s the fact I’m fat Sad My parents used to lecture me about it and say I was just too big and it would put most boys off.

I know people will say they are overweight with a lovely husband but were you that size when you met?

I would welcome honesty Smile

OP posts:
BlondeB83 · 11/02/2018 10:05

It won’t be your size that’s putting the men off but your lack of confidence.

Fluffyears · 11/02/2018 10:07

I’m a size 18, used to be a 10, husband to be has only known me from 16+. We get married in 2 months. I have had more boyfriends as a bigger size, it’s bit my body that matters it’s how we work together and have in common.

ljlkk · 11/02/2018 10:08

I've known some very large women who kept having babies. Someone finds them attractive. Could you fancy a man who was quite large, OP?

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 11/02/2018 10:11

Are you open to meet men who are themselves obese?

So many people are obese, can't see it would be an issue (you might not be a good fit for a gym/fitness fanatic, but sporty people usually hang out with other sporty people anyway )

Your weight does not define you, either way. Of course you can meet someone nice!

Pumkinfailure · 11/02/2018 10:12

I’ll be totally honest, I do think it’s harder to meet someone when you are overweight. I’m overweight but met my husband when I was slim, I had a period of being single at both slim and fat and definitely had more interest when slim. My best friend is stunning and very overweight and she definitely attracts men who just want to have sex in secret with her, don’t want a public relationship. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

whatalicedidnext · 11/02/2018 10:13

No, you become invisible to all when you are obese - well, not invisible, obviously but you know what I mean I hope.

I'm always ignored and overlooked for everything, I'm a non-person.

Jaygee61 · 11/02/2018 10:16

I see overweight women with normal sized men far more often than the other way around. No reason at all why you shouldn’t meet someone nice.

NewYearNiki · 11/02/2018 10:17

Interestingly I just started a thread in chat about how to duck out of a date.

He was not honest. Posted old photos and photos showing half his face and not showing below his jawline.

Finally having his phone number I found him on facebook and he is obese. Not cool with him deliberately posting old photos which has put me off as once you lie or conceal one thing what else will you be willing to lie about.

Have you tried online dating? If you do post recent photos dont try and hide it.

What are your hobbies? It would help to have an interesting life

Basically fat or slim everyone's looks fade. It is who you are that matters

shouldnthavesaid · 11/02/2018 10:18

I'm obese and still a virgin at 26 Blush. I had one sort of boyfriend at 21 , on off for a while but never physical , he insisted he was gay and is now married to a lovely guy but he told me he loved me, read me love poetry Blush.

I think it's a lack of confidence with me. I don't believe I am attractive or worth knowing so I don't go out of my way to meet people etc - I don't socialise much , don't have any friends nearby so doesn't surprise me that I haven't met a man. Tried OLD (plenty of fish) and hated it.

Ifailed · 11/02/2018 10:18

In the same way that a lot of people are fussy about the height of a potential date, the same will hold true with weight.

KarmaStar · 11/02/2018 10:20

Hi OP,I think the answer is a resounding yes!
Unfortunately your lack of confidence from being told by your parent's that you are unattractive has knocked your confidence.here's a very short example of my yes you are attractive,this actually happened:
A crowded indoor swimming pool and in walking around the pool side comes a beautiful girl with a great figure,her head was down,she avoided eye contact and was clearly uncomfortable.nobody paid her any real attention.about fifteen minutes later in walks another girl (I say girl ,sorry they were women in their later twenties or thereabouts)this one was about five foot seven and a size twenty,she had her head up,her face was smiling and confident,her walk was not hurried but easy and she looked sexy as hell and there were one or two men who looked with admiration whilst us women could sense her sex appeal and confidence,she was mesmerizing.
It is all about the confidence.write down ten good things about you and keep it in your pocket and read it.
Even if you have to fake confidence,people will see it and assume you are and treat you as such.
Go get them tiger Flowers

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 10:21

It’s not harsh at all I want honesty.

I don’t mean people who are in an established relationship and become overweight, as usually by then you have strong bonds that mean appearance isn’t as important, but actually getting over the hurdle of meeting someone in the first place, IYSWIM.

OP posts:
YesILikeItToo · 11/02/2018 10:23

blonde could be right. The first time I slept with an obese man, I was a little apprehensive as I kind of assumed he would be shy. I was amazed at his body confidence, and we got on like a house on fire.

NewYearNiki · 11/02/2018 10:23

Op if it makes you feel any better....ive been a little overweight before and ive been slim.

Ive slimmed down again to a bmi of 22-23. Im single most of my life.

NotSoSprightly · 11/02/2018 10:24

Being obese would put a lot of men off in the same vein that an obese man would put a lot of women off.

Yes from a physical perspective but also a mental one too I think - I think most people want to be with someone who takes an active interest in their own health.

AveAtqueVale · 11/02/2018 10:24

I was a size 18 when I met DH. I asked him once a couple of years ago if it had mattered and he said he noticed at the beginning but still thought I was nice and funny and pretty and after a couple of dates he never thought about it much again. I worried a lot about it as he was very skinny and I thought people would think we looked ridiculous together. I think the problem as PPs have said isn’t your size, it’s your confidence. It’s unrealistic to expect people just not to notice you’re big, and obviously some men won’t fancy fat women just like some don’t fancy blondes or girls with tattoos, but a lot more won’t care and will value you as you value yourself. A giant smile and confidence go a long way ime. I’m now a size 18 again but had a brief stint as a very exhausted size 14 mother of a small baby, with no energy to even engage with other humans never mind flirt. I felt far more invisible then than I ever have at a bigger size.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 11/02/2018 10:26

From personal experience (before I'm flamed):

Men will seek out fat women to have sex with in secret, because they think they have more chance of getting it. Due to society placing the highest market value on the prize "slim girl", they think the larger woman will be grateful for the attention, which boosts their chances.

Then, once the secret sex on the weekend is had, they'll go out on a midweek date with a slim woman.

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 10:29

I’ve never even been sought for secret sex Grin

OP posts:
whoareyoukidding · 11/02/2018 10:32

Maybe it's me but I don't think size 16 - 18 is obese, really. It is on the big side perhaps but fine imo. I would have thought size 24 + might be a bit off-putting, although personality is more important. Dawn French was gorgeous when bigger.

Fluffyears · 11/02/2018 10:32

Well that’s shite, dp certainly doesn’t head out for dates with slimmer women. If I say i’m Fat he says ‘shut up you’re my little monkey’.

Fluffyears · 11/02/2018 10:33

BMI says i’m Obese

Original poster
silenthorror · 11/02/2018 10:34

I’m probably size 18-20 but it’s height as well, I’m not very tall.

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 11/02/2018 10:36

To be honest, I could still fancy someone who was overweight, it's definitely about confidence. Look at the adverts for the plus size ladies clothes simply be etc, the women look good but they look happy and confident. I have been 3 stone heavier myself and still had attention, although I didn't like myself I was constantly looking for ways to disguise the weight, but I am quite a friendly happy person so maybe it comes across?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 11/02/2018 10:36

I’ve been overweight or obese most of my life. Never had a problem attracting men. I did get more interest during brief periods of slimness but it was actually annoying and rather shallow attention. I’m short, bespectacled and not tremendously good looking but I do dress well and scrub up quite acceptably. I think what helps is being unselfconscious and fairly confident.

BlondeB83 · 11/02/2018 10:38

I was a size 16 when I met my husband, the smallest I have ever been was a 10 but he has never seen me like that. I did get more random attention from men then but more just from blokes in bars if you know what I mean. I’m a firm believer it’s all about confidence!

I am also a hypocrite weight wise as I’ve only ever been in relationships with tall/slim men, I don’t find overweight men attractive.

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