To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?

[silenthorror]

Before I get flamed to a crisp, I’m 100% talking about me!

I need to lose a good 5stone to be a healthy BMI, although generally speaking I can live with being a stone or so overweight. So 4stone at a minimum.

I’ve never had any interest from men really. And I can’t help but think it’s the fact I’m fat My parents used to lecture me about it and say I was just too big and it would put most boys off.

I know people will say they are overweight with a lovely husband but were you that size when you met?

I would welcome honesty

I met my now husband when I was 20 and weighed 18stone at 5 ft 3. My weight continued to go up over the years until I was morbidly obese at 25stone. I then had bariatric surgery and went down to 14 stone. I am now 16 stone and trying to lose at least a stone. My husband has been with me throughout and has always loved me. You just need to find the man who loves you as a person not just size shape or looks and I hope you do.

I am obese. I've come out of a decades long relationship with low self esteem, body issues, etc. I was curvy but in no way overweight when I met him, but my disordered attitude to food led me to overeating.

I'm not looking to become svelte, but I will certainly be getting some weight off, for my health. I suspect once I've lost some, my self esteem will rise and I'll be fine to date again.

I did have body confidence at the time I met ex, lots of negative put downs, etc, etc put paid to that. It'll come back.

OP, rather than concentrating on the weight, perhaps concentrate on getting fit and cutting out the bad eating habits. I haven't followed a specific diet plan, but cutting out some foods and doing lots of walking is having a good effect. I feel better for it, sleep better and people tell me I smile more.

I know men who really like larger women.

My own DP loves chubby girls. I’m fairly thin but have big legs and he’s always commenting on how much he loves them!

When I was 16, some guys at school laughed at me saying I had a “massive arse” and I was self conscious about it for ages. Now arses are cool, go figure. My point is that body shapes come in and out of fashion and that there are people who like all types.

Can I be completely honest, I'm not trying to be a bitch and I am very overweight myself. But are you going for the wrong type of men? I say this as I have a friend almost exactly the same as you and she really struggled meeting someone for about 20 years because she wanted them to be attractive, intelligent, active etc the whole package and it wasn't happening. Then she went on a date with someone she considered too ugly and fat for her and completely fell in love. Are you willing to date an obese man?

I completely get what a PP said about being invisible though. At my smallest I was a size 10 and got a lot of attention. At my biggest I was a size 20 and got none at all. Now I'm 3 stone down and around a 14/16 and have noticed I've been getting more looks. If you did want to change (and I'm not saying you should to find a man!) There is a lot of help on the weight loss chat section.

If you're obese and struggling to meet somebody, lose weight, youll be fighting them off.
I realised this when I lost several stone.
Good for th ego of course, but in a sense, I also found it quite depressing actually..thought I was a lovely looking size 24, but apparently no!

@TERFette You have a bloody fantastic username!

Bored, I don’t go for any

I literally get NO interest. None! I never have - I don’t know why

May I ask if you are accepting dates with obese men or would you like your partner to be slim? Just wondering because you think it is such a big issue, is it one for you?

I see absolutely loads of men who are obviously boyfriends/ husbands out with very large women. I also know a really big girl who never struggled for partners, she was literally beating them off with a stick and she was over 20 stones. Shes married now.
I think maybe younger men are more image concious, but once they are a bit older then they realize that not every woman can be a size 10.
I think everyone can try to eat a bit better and do more exercize, however at the end of the day you are who you are.

Sorry, I see @BoredOnMatLeave has already asked this.

OP you’ve listed some good inner qualities, but size aside, what are you happy with exterior wise? Do you have good hair or good skin? Do you experiment with make up or clothes? Focusing on maximising other qualities will increase your confidence, and in turn, make you less self critical of your overall size - which is just one aspect of who you are. I’m 45 and a size 18 after a loooong period of grieving and comfort eating (I was a 12 four years ago). I’m not that fussed about being a 12 again; I’d take a 16 as long as I feel good. I make the most of what I have; I wear red lip stick and ensure my hair and nails look good. I wear the best clothes i can afford. Always wear perfume. All just little things that make me feel good. I’m married so off the dating scene, but I do get male attention if I’m out with friends because If you feel your best, you will exude confidence, and, as others have said, confidence is key. I’m a strong believer in fake it till you make it. Forget your size for now, start somewhere positive and the rest will follow.

Silent - I'm a size 14-16, about 5ft 10 and completely invisible to men! I don't date... I did seem to get the ones who were all over me in private but somehow ashamed to be seen with me in public
I like myself and my body but I feel invisible to everyone really. Have come to the conclusion I'm too fat and too ugly to date. Sounds awful and I do genuinely like myself but... difficult to phrase it
Dated in the past but seemed to become the invisible woman after age 30

Op, if I am honest, I have been anything from a 10 to 18. I am a confidant person and quite pretty regardless of my size, and am friendly / flirtatious by nature.

I attracted men at all sizes, but truthfully, I attracted a higher calibre of man when I was slimmer than when I was larger, especially looks wise.

Sad, but true. People tend to go for a similar "number" to them...

It’s not an issue for me pax but I don’t get to go on dates at all.

I’m not hugely interested in makeup or clothes and I find it hard to get nice clothes in my size anyway. But I do look ok. Apart from being fat!

I've always been big but quite happy with how I looked, I had a fair bit of attention from men regardless.
I became ill a few years ago and over a few months went down to a size 8. It was like suddenly I became visible to all men overnight. It came with its own negatives though tbh.
Being happily married, it was more of a nuisance.
I think being slimmer means you are on more men's radar, and a greater pool of men are more likely to be interested.

When i met my husband i was a size 20. I'm currently a 24 and pregnant with our 3rd child, he loves me for who i am, he said my confidence and personality are what attracted him to me. I guess everyone is different and as some people are attracted to those with blonde hair some will be attracted to slim people.

I am about 22 stone, size 24-26 and get attention from men- probably not as much as my slimmer friends but quite a bit. So I do not think it is size which is a turn off.

OP, you probably going to hate me a little bit though, because I am not interested in dating at the moment (long story), and for many years it has not meant much to me that men find me attractive. But please remember it won't be your size that is the issue. Men have different tastes in women's shapes.

I have friends who are obese and bubbly, full of fun and beautiful women, they both have partners and were obese when they met their partners. Both of their partners are thin- skinny, their partners absolutely adore them and both have gone on to have children/ marry.

A childhood friend is absolutely beautiful, bubbly with friends but painfully shy with strangers. She is very overweight and approaching her forties. I am sure she has never had a boyfriend. She is such a beautiful woman, I just wish she had confidence. I will say that she seems to put men on a pedestal, she has had crushes on men who take part in a local sports team, they are just ordinary men with normal jobs etc. She couldn't believe I was not afraid to speak to them when they asked to buy me a drink. They offered to buy one for my friend too but she was too shy.

She has developed friendships with men before, men she has liked but her sister has sabotaged it (I think she is frightened my friend will move out leaving her alone) she would say this man was ugly and she would be embarrassed to be seen out with him. Ok, he wasn't Brad Pitt, but he was a lovely guy and my friend was clearly attracted to him. I warned my friend to ignore her sister, all that matters is that she likes him. But I think her sister is a big obstacle in my friend meeting anyone. My friend went on a diet and lost lots of weight but her skinny sister would sneak bags of sweets, chocolate and crisps in, deliberately sabotaging her diet. Yes, my friend shouldn't have eaten them, but she deliberately didn't buy any to avoid temptation.

I would work on your confidence OP, walk with your head held high, smile when you are talking to someone. Look closely at your friendships to see if someone is trying to sabotage your meeting someone. Take drama classes to help your confidence, I had drama classes and they were fantastic at conquering shyness. Ask yourself seriously if you are putting men on a pedestal making it harder to approach them. Also ask if you are dismissing average looking men, as you are more attracted to say Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt might be an absolute arsehole, looks are not everything, personality and connection is more important.

Why on earth would I hate you?

I really don’t think it’s about confidence. Otherwise only very confident women would have partners.

I’m fat and always have been, although definitely “acceptable” fat - small waist, large hips and chest. I’m estrenely confident and make a lot of effort with clothes/Hair/makeup. I’ve only ever had athletic boyfriends. Not because I rule out bigger guys but slimmer/muscular guys are my type. I would say it’s definitely a confidence thing. Focus on your hair and makeup, buy some lovely clothes, do things that make you feel good - the confidence will follow, I promise!

But I’ve done all that and it doesn’t work!

In fact, when you are fat you have to take care over makeup etc. When thinner, it’d been nice not having to pretend to care.

I was never short of a date in my 20's size 10. Over 30 and size 14/16 and I may as well be invisible. It's probably a combination or age, size, confidence and the dating pool being smaller as you get older.

silenthorror sorry, I did not mean to cause offense. I meant that it is easy for me to not care that men do not find me attrcative because I do not want them to. I sometimes wonder if part of the reason I stay fat is subconsciously because I want to repel them. I do get attrcated to people but not very often. I like to live alone and my childhood was horrific so I like to keep life simple.

silenthorror I do not mind being single and I enjoy it but sometimes I wish my sexuality was "normal" though and I cared about love and sex, just so I could fit in better with my friends and feel more "normal."