To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?

[silenthorror]

Before I get flamed to a crisp, I’m 100% talking about me!

I need to lose a good 5stone to be a healthy BMI, although generally speaking I can live with being a stone or so overweight. So 4stone at a minimum.

I’ve never had any interest from men really. And I can’t help but think it’s the fact I’m fat My parents used to lecture me about it and say I was just too big and it would put most boys off.

I know people will say they are overweight with a lovely husband but were you that size when you met?

I would welcome honesty

Charis you’re not hijacking.

Driggle, I suppose what I mean is,I do like myself. I like my interior, at least. I am warm, kind, fun, pleasant and intelligentish (never going to be a brain surgeon, but you know!)

Exterior wise I can see I’m not hideously ugly, but I am overweight, and it’s frustrating being told that to be liked or loved by another I must exude confidence in every fibre of my being when just a cursory look around shows me many shy, timid, uncertain, tentative and sometimes unlikeable people are in established relationships.

Which is why it keeps bringing me back to fat!

37, but it’s always been like this.

I think that it really depends on what else you have going for you. Choosing a future partner (for reasonable people) is about finding the best possible deal. Most people would see health issues relating to being overweight, likelihood of disability earlier in life, possible fertility problems etc. as a problem when choosing a partner. But if you kind, pleasant, intelligent, high earner etc. They may be able to accept it. Some people won't though but they are the shallow ones (I.e. The stupid ones) and you really don't want to end up with one of those.

That's not to say it's impossible by any stretch. But it is harder as most men want slimmer women (even the fat bald ones ).

YES this is true! I've taken my male friends to task over their 'standards', while sporting a beer belly and chicken legs themselves . It's quite infuriating, the sheer volume of men with Johnny Vegas appeal but Johnny Depp standards.

Unless you have a Calvin Klein physique yourself, you shouldn't expect to wake up with Victoria's Secret models.

Leonardo DiCaprio gets Victoria's Secret. Barry from Tesco gets Victoria Sponge Cake and a reality check.

Friends are too nice

They’d never be honest.

I’m going to go against the tide here, but I agree with you. Personality, confidence and the way you behave are very important things when it comes to attraction and I’m sure that men may get attracted to you as they know how nice you are.

Having said that, if you are trying online dating, it is another kettle of fish as men tend to concentrate mostly in your looks to start with, both when seeing your photo and during the first date.

I am currently a size 18 but most people look fairly incredulous when I mention about (people assume I am around 14 as I’m tall) yet... it has been hell trying to get some attention or go past the first date even when we have previously spent hours on the phone or texting.

It seems like the national sport for the newly single man is running or cycling (or both) so they are often listing themselves as “athletic body type” even when they are still clearly overweight and displaying a beer belly but, they seem to be very unforgiving when it comes to women’s weight. They say to care about their health and want a woman that “does too”

IMO (and I’m following this advice myself) it is more realistic and healthy to loose the extra weight than trying to find a man who can see beyond it, there are too many people out there looking for the proverbial spark, who do not have the inclination to spend the time getting to know/love a woman first for what she is.

You can meet someone at any size. Just as you can at any level of facial attractiveness, intelligence, financial position, etc.

I honestly don't think it matters that much. I did OD at a size 22, and as low as a size 12. I probably got more responses at size 12 but most of those were from blokes who thought I would be an easy lay. I definitely got much more unwanted attention online the slimmer I was.

YES this is true! I've taken my male friends to task over their 'standards', while sporting a beer belly and chicken legs themselves confused. It's quite infuriating, the sheer volume of men with Johnny Vegas appeal but Johnny Depp standards.

Amen!

Being obese would put a lot of men off in the same vein that an obese man would put a lot of women off.

^This

I agree with that NotSure

Emma.. Maybe it's not just around your area, maybe the world in general all types of different people are with each other, shows we aren't all shallow, well you obviously are for analysing couples in such a way, are you single and jealous by any chance?

TBH The experience of my female friends who have been looking for a partner in later 30S is that it is often really tough going anyway. I think anything that is off the societal norm for an attractive partner makes things harder. And I don’t just mean physically- being too clever or successful, disability - just a few of the things that can make it harder

I agree but I’ve always found it hard to meet someone, even when I was very young.

I have yo-yo'd in weight most of my life. And without a shadow of a doubt I get waaaaay more attention when I've been slim. And I don't think it's just a confidence thing (i.e. I don't think that when I've been slim, I've been more confident and that's what's attracted men); I'm confident and sassy and flirty when both fat and slim. But it falls on more 'receptive' ground when I've been slim!

First of all, you’re comparing the inside of your life to someone else’s outside: all these shy, or timid, or outwardly unlikeable people clearly aren’t off putting to the person they are with. As are all the millions of fat people in relationships.

And you could lose the weight, I suppose, and get more interest, but it’s still not a guarantee, as there are plenty of slim people who also struggle to find a partner. You don’t become a different person just because you weigh less. And what if you regain?

I would be very surprised if I did meet someone now. I just wonder where I went wrong.

I'm obese. I'm a size 20, was a size 18 when I met my husband. I also echo what other people say, it's all about confidence. I know plenty of larger women who are confident and are married or in relationships with men.
I do seem to get attention from men when i go out, but that could be just them wanting to shag a fat bird.

vladimirspoutine, indeed, and infuriatingly, have you seen jonny vegas wife in real life? i knwo she has come out on twitter before offended that people are so surprised at their marriage but omg, how .......... just HOW???

I totally agree it is about body confidence and holding your head high. I am a size 20 on the bottom and a 22 on top with ff boobs. I am only 5ft 6 so not tall. I often have my hair died all different colours, at the moment my entire hair is hulk green. I have a japanese floral sleeve tattoo and wear whatever I feel comfortable in but it does tend to have a vintage feel to it. I get complimented all the time and am often stopped in the street by both men and women . They tell me that I have brightened their day, they love my clothes, its nice to see people being smiley and friendly.

I am propositioned too, but am happily married. But I know that through my wide circle of friends to do with my (male dominated) hobby, if word got out that I was divorcing, I would have them beating my door down. This is all down to confidence and honestly not giving a flying fig what anybody else thinks. Being true to yourself, what you like, and wearing things that make you feel good are all key.

BUT don't get me wrong, I have bad days. I am bipolar and when I am in a depressive state I can barely make eye contact and it all stops, Apart from the odd person that asks me if i'm ok. You really need to fake it til you make it.

Size 18 here, was probably 8/10 when we met -was 21- My Dh always says im not fat when I mention I am. He seems to fancy me just as much now!

Also, to be honest an transparent, I am 40 and have several long term serious illnesses and that doesn't put anybody off, even though I may never work full time etc. And I likely wouldn't be interested in somebody that did care about that anyyway!

I was obese as a child until I was 16 and then gained weight again when I was 23. Then got down to my lowest weight and am now probably 14 pounds heavier than that.

I'm still the same, but the only difference between all of that was my self confidence and that was the main thing. If you're happy with your weight so be, but don't think getting to size X will make you happier.Try to do things that make you feel good about yourself and work on your self esteem.

You are obviously not comfortable with the way you look so you won't develop confidence until you get down to how you want to be. I had a friend who was always around a size 22 (she passed away but nothing to do with that) - her partner fancied her for the way she was and she was happy enough to be that size. Another friend I have is very obese but she loves herself completely - she likes her big bottom and has never once dieted in her life - her confidence in her looks is wonderful and she is always getting attention from males, so as others have said, it's mainly confidence not looks but you need to feel confident in yourself and you don't at the moment. Good luck