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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?

437 replies

silenthorror · 11/02/2018 10:01

Before I get flamed to a crisp, I’m 100% talking about me!

I need to lose a good 5stone to be a healthy BMI, although generally speaking I can live with being a stone or so overweight. So 4stone at a minimum.

I’ve never had any interest from men really. And I can’t help but think it’s the fact I’m fat Sad My parents used to lecture me about it and say I was just too big and it would put most boys off.

I know people will say they are overweight with a lovely husband but were you that size when you met?

I would welcome honesty Smile

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 13/02/2018 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
silenthorror · 13/02/2018 12:52

Nothing, really. I didn’t expect to get as many replies as I did. I often don’t speak to anybody at all if I’m not working so it’s just nice to interact with people.

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 13/02/2018 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
silenthorror · 13/02/2018 13:00

I think I do understand it, I just don’t necessarily agree with it, or think it’s true for them, but not me.

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 13/02/2018 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
silenthorror · 13/02/2018 13:04

Yes, I find some useful, but this doesn’t mean it’s necessarily going to change anything. Sometimes you just have to live with stuff.

OP posts:
Pensionista · 13/02/2018 13:04

It doesn't matter WHY you are different, we ALL ARE, we just choose to HANDLE things differently. You could waste an awful lot of energy on the WHY, instead of using that same energy on DOING something different. If you keep doing the same old, same old, you will keep getting the same old result.
Maybe a better question to start would be,
Do I want my life to be different ? If the answer is yes, then you have plenty of people on here giving you ideas on how to change.
If your answer is no, then stay stuck. It's your choice ALWAYS.
Change always starts with the first step.
You can be lonely in a relationship, that's why it's important you change your relationship with yourself first.

SallyLockhartsDog · 13/02/2018 13:05

I am going to head on my merry way as I don't think I have anything useful left to say!

Please do PM me if you ever want to chat, you sound great just a bit depressed Flowers

Original poster
silenthorror · 13/02/2018 13:06

What you don’t seem to understand too well pensi is wanting something isn’t enough.

OP posts:
Pensionista · 13/02/2018 13:11

Now you are in the role of VICTIM is that what you wan't for yourself ? If so, that's okay to, because it's your choice. It's your choice to agree or disagree, to take on board some advice or not.If you have 'enjoyed' this interaction, just think what positive interaction away from here, could impact your life.
I also know that some people get some gains from staying 'stuck' albeit 'unconciously'

Pensionista · 13/02/2018 13:14

Actually silent, I do understand. Wanting something will get you nowhere without ACTION, I think that what you are saying is you don't really want to change.

Original poster
silenthorror · 13/02/2018 13:15

I think if I could go back in time it would be different but I can’t do that, I don’t think that’s being a victim.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 13/02/2018 13:16

You’re right, wanting something isn’t enough. Could you commit to taking one small step, every day, towards the life you want? Even these small steps can lead you somewhere better. Take a walk. Look at courses which relate to your hobbies. (Don’t need to book a place, just look!) Speak to a neighbour. Baby steps towards a life with more interaction. Forget meeting someone and dating right now, that can wait. You are only 38 and life still has so much more in store for you.

Pensionista · 13/02/2018 13:32

Silent.....All we have is NOW, the past is gone, the future hasn't happened. If you read through your threads, you will see clearly you feel you can't change anything, that is being a victim. You are stuck, We ALL would change things in our past if we could, but we can't. So some of us dwell on what might have been, or feel sorry for ourselves, and some of us decide to make the most of our life now. I think you would probably benefit from some therapy to clear away all the negative junk you are hanging on to.
You asked for honesty, you got it, but you also rejected that to. At some point you may decide differently, until then, nothing will change for you. Like you said wanting it does not make it happen. ACTION DOES

Original poster
silenthorror · 13/02/2018 13:36

OK pen

OP posts:
Pensionista · 13/02/2018 13:41

Sent with loveFlowers

salakadolamoo · 13/02/2018 13:45

^^ again... what she said 

@Pensionista - Nice straight talking, kindly put Thanks world needs more of it x

Wish you all the best OP - but what ifs change nothing. Life is a windscreen, not a rear view mirror. I hope you'll find a way to change things for yourself hun Smile

Original poster
silenthorror · 13/02/2018 13:46

Yes, it might be, but sometimes you have to work out where you went wrong on the journey.

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 13/02/2018 13:57

Looking back, whether with regret, or nostalgia, achieves nothing. Working out where you 'went wrong' - if indeed, you did, won't make any difference now. Take baby steps to make your life better, so that you feel less lonely and unfulfilled. You have been given so much excellent advice on this thread.

salakadolamoo · 13/02/2018 13:58

Not sure I agree with that entirely. Yes you have a point if it helps you put things behind you but if the figuring out how you got here stops you getting to where you want to be then nope... not worth the anguish.

It sounds from you posts that you've spent a lot of time thinking about how you ended up here - what could the next 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years bring if you spent the same amount of time and energy doing things to take you forward? I think you know what you'd do differently - it's certainly come across that way. Give you self a pat on the back for seeing that - not everyone has that clarity.

You say 'what if you'd gone out' 'what if you'd gone travelling' 'what if you hadn't worked two jobs'.

I'm saying what if you did something this week which meant you wouldn't be saying 'what if I'd done that' in a year's time.

I know it is much harder than I'm making it sound - and believe me I could do with taking my own advice sometimes - but it's worth it x

Pensionista · 13/02/2018 14:07

The only benefit to working out where you went wrong is TO LEARN FROM IT. That way you don't repeat your mistake's (fingers crossed) but if you do, you will be given the same lesson over and over until you do LEARN xx

Pensionista · 13/02/2018 14:09

Salak....Thankyou. like what you said to xx

Sosog00d · 13/02/2018 14:11

OP, I'm minded of the flat tyre analogy here, bear with..

If you get a flat tyre, the solution is not to retrace steps and look for the cause of the puncture; the solution is to change the tyre and move towards your destination.

Yes I accept the analogy is simplistic but I suspect you may be caught in an horrendous vortex of trying to understand, rationalise and analyse something that just can't be done without a lot of guesswork and supposition.

I know because I have been there. Big time.
Often our biggest break comes when we trust ourselves, that we have the skills or can learn them.

That's what is working for me and I believe wholeheartedly it could do so for you aswell...

Hugs to you missy x

Myheartbelongsto · 13/02/2018 14:18

I agree op that some men will be put off by your weight.

I have been heavy when younger, didn't really care about my weight. I was a size 16 to 18. When I lost weight I went down to a size 8-10 and the difference in attention was unbelievable!!

Pensionista · 13/02/2018 14:20

Soso.....your analogy is really good, because.....NOTHING has any meaning except the MEANING YOU put on it.