To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?

[silenthorror]

Before I get flamed to a crisp, I’m 100% talking about me!

I need to lose a good 5stone to be a healthy BMI, although generally speaking I can live with being a stone or so overweight. So 4stone at a minimum.

I’ve never had any interest from men really. And I can’t help but think it’s the fact I’m fat My parents used to lecture me about it and say I was just too big and it would put most boys off.

I know people will say they are overweight with a lovely husband but were you that size when you met?

I would welcome honesty

I met my DH at 26 when I was obese - around 15 stone and a size 20. However I carried my weight reasonably well (still obviously fat!) and had a very flat stomach and small waist but very large bottom and bressts. I think I looked more like a 16-18.

My (now) DH always liked my body and it was never an issue and I had reasonably good success with men around that time as my confidence was good for a variety of reasons. I was about 5 stone over weight but always looked nice and took care of my appearance for me - I love fashion and makeup and stuff like that.

However, I’m now MUCH fatter and whilst my DH still loves me and fancies me I feel awful, I’ve lost my confidence and feel invisible like other PP have described. I’m about to have my second baby and after that I’ve vowed to sort myself out and get back to a size 18 from the 24 I currently am. I was really happy at a size 18 and looked nice.

You need to get to a place where you feel happy. Can you give yourself a bit of a make over? Some nice new clothes, new funky haircut and new makeup look? It always makes me feel good to do that.

Sadly it does restrict the dating pool, OP. I found a huge difference when I lost 3 stone.

That's not to say it's impossible by any stretch. But it is harder as most men want slimmer women (even the fat bald ones ). I think online makes it much harder because of the illusion of unlimited choice - whereas if you meet someone in person you're not just a profile that admits to excess weight when others don't.

In the end I did the two together - dated and lost weight. I had some fun and some time wasters whilst dieting and gymming. After losing weight i had 3 years on and off with a narcissistic fuckwit who kept telling me I wasn't thin enough for him (I was at a normal BMI by then!), he couldn't fancy me as i was, blah blah, i met DP. Now 2 of the 3 stone has gone back on 😭, but he couldn't care less.

Just remember - you're better off happy and alone than miserable with a fuckwit, however thin or fat you are - that's what I took away from it!!

Hi, I agree with PP's that suggest that confidence and attitude about yourself effects whether you meet people or not. I was a size 28 when I met my husband - so massively overweight- before him I was always dating. Some long term some just for fun. I never had trouble meeting men. I'm not stunningly beautiful either - just normal. I am however confident and happy in my own skin. I am now a size 18-20 and the only reason I managed to lose weight was because it was preventing me from conceiving. Otherwise I'd probably still be massive and confident that my husband fancied me then just as much as now.
I know I'm still overweight but I don't care enough right now to do anything about it. (Plus I'm 22 weeks pregnant and have a 9 month old son so no flipping time or motivation!)

Get out there, have fun and shake off your belief that you aren't attractive!

OP I feel the exact same way as you. Im a 16 and I want to meet someone but have convinced myself it all comes down to my weight. The only way I feel someone could love me, is if I was thin.

The thing is when I was thin I had less confidence than I do now. I lost 4 stone thinking I would find love but I ended up feeling worse and became obsessed with losing more weight. I didn't get any more attention than when I was fat. Despite knowing this I still feel no one wants me now because I'm so fat and disgusting even though I know I'd still feel the same thin!

Not everyone finds fat people attractive, which is fair enough, but I do think a lot of it is down to confidence. I know plenty of obese women who still look stunning and have partners and plenty of male attention (not just for a secret shag as PP suggested) and it's because they don't give a shit what others think and they don't define themselves by their size.

Oh, and my DH is a bit of a ‘hottie’ according to my friends and colleagues-obviously I have always thought that, but the sheer surprise on people’s faces when they see us together is quite something.

He’s 6ft, athletic, attractive and very well spoken - I am NONE of those things. Someone brave occasionally will ask ‘what I did’ and I’m honest, I was myself and fat or not, I deserve to be treated with the upmost respect by everyone and I’ve never been anything but myself - people like that. No one is too good for me.

I was 14.7 stone when I met my husband - I am 5 foot 9 so it wasn't too bad but I was 20 stone when we got married, he could have left before and he didn't. He is always telling me how much he fancies me and I absolutely believe him.

It's definitely about confidence.
Slimming world is amazing!

Of course you can find someone nice but there will be some people, who don't want to date larger women just as there are people, who may not want to date The list is endless as to what people find or don't find attractive.

I admit I had a tick list in it what I wanted when looking for a long term partner. A package is just that there is the physical shell and what the person is like. We all weigh it up, well those of us who admit to it. But most people obviously want to be perceived as nice so say nothing.

I met my husband when I was a size 24. I'm still that size now, probably a bit bigger. He's never known me 'slim'. We've been together for 13 years this year, married 11. He is the polar opposite of me, skinny as a rake.

I've always been bigger, but I've honestly never had any trouble in the relationship department. As cliche as it is you need to learn to love yourself. Confidence is key!

I am in the process of losing the weight. I'm doing it because I have a daughter now and I want to be around for her and set a good example. I can't get on at her about healthy eating and not do it myself. But I don't look in the mirror and hate myself or think I'm unattractive. I have some weight I need to shed, that's all. I have fat. The fat is not me.

I’ve always been overweight and never had a problem meeting men. I met DH at size 22. Before him I had a 5 year relationship, and a few flings in between when I was single. It’s totally a matter of confidence.

I'm in a similar situation. I'm a size 22/24 and 5'8 with size 9 feet. I look and feel ridiculous and I have several chins.

I have absolutely no confidence at all due to my size and a 7 year abusive relationship. I have been single over a year now and been on so many nights out but I end up being the joke. I'm the one who stands at the side of the dance floor holding my mates bags and coats because I just look ridiculous dancing or trying to enjoy myself. I'm by far the biggest person in the room wherever we go and it's absolutely destroying me but I try not to let it show.

It doesn't help when my friends are gorgeous and wherever we go they get attention and I'm left on my own but I know it's my own fault. I keep eating to make me feel better then I feel awful so have to eat more to make me feel happy again. This goes round and round in my head day in day out and I'm exhausted.

I understand what a pp said further up the post about being overlooked when you're obese. It's so true, I don't matter at all and I'm just existing not living.

I would love to meet a nice guy and go dating etc but I'll spend the entire time wondering if he's embarrassed, if he's taking the piss and having a bet with his mates or wondering why he's even in my company because to me I'm nothing.

It's definitely a confidence thing and I wish I knew how to fake it.

I'm definitely not pretty or attractive either so I'm not sure if losing 10 stone will help but I can try and i will try again and again.

Wow emma

"Fat chicks" and "not even pretty" and "snagging a man"?

Where are you posting from, 1972!

OP I haven't been a healthy BMI since I was about 12, been a size 18 for all of my adult life and have had plenty of sexual encounters and relationships. It really has nothing to do with weight. Though It wasn't until I gained some confidence and lost a lot of my hang ups that I discovered my DH. We've been together 8 years married 5 and I've spent most of that between a size 18 and 22

If you want honesty then I will speak plainly as I prefer it too. I think rl is your best bet. Men on line lose the run of themselves. In rl if the chat flows easily you're off to a head start. Not that I ever meet anybody SINGLE in rl, which sadly leads me to OLD where imo age is a bigger obstacle to finding somebody. There have been obese men nearly 10 years older than me who've sent me messages doubting my pictures are recent. So their obesity doesn't prevent them feeling entitled to the best they can 'get' (if not the best that's out there iyswim). You need to channel a bit of male entitlement OP.

You are who you are and you're looking for a genuine connection. I'm slim and I've had no look so far but I am looking for something real.

Good luck. it's easy for nobody! Any tips, pass 'em on.

I've never had any trouble finding partners and am heavier than you. My DH is a normal weight and attractive. It helps to force yourself to be outgoing and forward if you fancy someone and not sit around waiting. The main issue I've found is that some people fetishize overweight women and I don't want to be defined by it or have my healthy eating habits undermined - body positivity is fine but not pushing cake at me!

Disney - your post is so sad and full of pain. If it's making you so unhappy, you can do something about it, whether that's cutting out a certain food like sugar, or seeing your dr, or joining a group. Honestly, life is too short to be miserable, it really is!

I've been overweight my entire life and never short of offers. I think it's possibly because I like myself and don't give a crap for people who don't. Yes, I've had potential dates pass on me because of my weight. Their loss. Post-marriage I've been in a relationship with an amazing man for nearly months who thinks I am (and makes me feel) the sexiest woman on the planet.

Courage, dear heart.

notanotherEmma risky choice of words there, but when I see that and it's apparent enough to be noticeable, I always presume that the man is a boring basst&^% , no personality no charisma. Some men know they're really dull so they prefer the security of that disparity because of their own fears of abandonment. I'm not saying I think that every time I see an obviously physically attractive man with a gf who doesn't seem to be as physically blessed. But it is a thing. Men do do that. My x, taller, more conventionally attractive. He liked that balance of power that there was at the beginning

I come across as reasonably confident, I think. And I am, with everything except my looks.

I get “bubbly” a lot

Would you consider losing weight op? Hit the gym, eat clean and you will be there in no time. You will also feel better and your confidence will be boosted.

disney, don't do that to yourself, go to the pub with your friends first if you enjoy that part but then go home. Don't look for your friends' permission to go home, just say ''i've enjoyed the evening up til now, I'm leaving now''. Go home have an early night, use your energy the next day to do something that leaves you feeling charged up not drained. What did you do for pure fun between the ages of 8 and 14? Do that on sundays when you have loads of energy from leaving before your friends go clubbing.

My weight has fluctuated thoughout adulthood.

I get far more attention when I am 11 stone than I do at 14 stone. Like, a SCARY amount more attention. And everyone is nice to me. Currently I am invisible again but I did manage to net a nice boyfriend 9 years ago who doesn't mind that I'm 4 stone overweight.

You CAN meet people when you are obese but honestly they act like they're throwing you a pity fuck OR they're gamers who like that you will never make them move (I#m ok with that)

I was really slim in my 20s but it didn’t get me many dates. Confidence is the thing.