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Original poster

To think choking during the sex is no go...

199 replies

drecmore · 19/01/2018 15:58

Been together 10 years, few months ago he admitted he doesn't love me, can't see the relationship going forward etc.

Anyway after talking and debating we decided to give ourselves another go...

Few nights ago went out for dinner. Surpassingly we had really good time, drank too much wine and somehow I asked him if he had any sexual fantasies (we didn't have sex for moths now as he was "leaving" me, unhappy and not interested).

Well he said he's really into choking, spanking and waxing.... (giving not receiving)

Wtf I am supposed to think about it???

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 19/01/2018 15:59

I'd not be interested in any of his fantasies since he said he didn't love you.

BekoLeGecko · 19/01/2018 16:01

I like those things and do them with semi regularity (receiving, that is)
But it's not about what I would do or what's a no go for me.
It's a no go for you don't seek validation elsewhere. It's your body, your decision and without enthusiastic consent and a lot of learning and due dilligence it can be extremely dangerous (mentally and physically) for you. Don't do it.

drivingmisspotty · 19/01/2018 16:01

If he's not mentioned it in last ten years, I'd think he has been watching porn.

And also what @cheapsausagesandspam said

Namechangetempissue · 19/01/2018 16:02

I would say you have much bigger issues to think about than his sexual kicks. I'm very open to ideas with sex, so I don't judge him for that, but it sounds like he is just using you for the sex OP Flowers

Kursk · 19/01/2018 16:03

Some people do like that kind of thing. (Cheryl in Archer)

Fetlife probably has whole groups devoted to that!

MoistCantaloupe · 19/01/2018 16:04

There is nothing wrong with this at all, but as @CheapSausagesAndSpam has said, I wouldn't want to experiment new behaviours with someone who said they didn't love me. It's strange he didn't bring it up before.

BekoLeGecko · 19/01/2018 16:04

I don't think it's fair to say he's using her for sex, they've not had sex, decided to make a go of things, went on a date and she asked him a question (that he answered) he sounds like an asshole for the "I don't love you but you can try to win me back by going on a date with me" stunt, but I don't know the ins and outs of that so can't comment too much about it (ie he may have asked her out/decided mutually) I still don't think it's fair to say he's using her for a shag though.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2018 16:04

'Well he said he's really into choking, spanking and waxing.... (giving not receiving)

Wtf I am supposed to think about it???'

That's he's a sadist who might be into violent porn and sees women not as people but objects to get him off. Of course he's not into receiving it, he gets off on inflicting pain.

I don't think, I know, that I'd run fast and far from this individual. Wouldn't bother except with maybe a text. 'I'm not interested in a relationship with a perverted sadist who fantasises about inflicting pain on people as sexual pleasure. FOTTFSOF and stay there. Goodbye.'

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2018 16:04

Well he said he's really into choking, spanking and waxing.... (giving not receiving)

Receiving? Horses for courses. Giving? Run a mile.

PinkHeart5914 · 19/01/2018 16:07

Absolutely Nothing wrong with it if both parties want to do it and get some enjoyment from it.

However you seem surprised by his fantasies and I would urge you not to do anything you aren’t completely comfortable with.

BattleCuntGalactica · 19/01/2018 16:07

Folks are allowed to have sexual fetishes as long as they are carried out between consenting adults. It's clear that you're not into the things he seems to be, and given his declaration that he's no longer in love with you, I'd be inclined to call it quits. You deserve to be happy and loved.

PavlovianLunge · 19/01/2018 16:09

Timing is everything. Why this, why now? I like to feel a hand or a mouth at my throat and on the back of the neck (and to do the same) but it needs a lot of trust, and given the state of things between you, I really don’t think you should be entertaining this at all.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 19/01/2018 16:10

You don't have to think anything. If he doesn't love you why do you care about his fetishes? Consenting adults can do whatever they like within the realms of a healthy, trusting relationship. Seen as you didn't know about these things until you asked him he obviously hasn't tried to carry his fantasies out with you so it's really a non issue.

Notasperfectasallothermners · 19/01/2018 16:11

Maybe tell him pegging is your fantasy and this week end is the time to indulge each other. Ladies first.....

Springiscoming123 · 19/01/2018 16:12

i have dabbled in it and i dont see a problem but back to op,the only thing that would concern me is why after 10 yrs has this come uo

i would find that strange,dont most find this out in the first 6mths +

i would be asking why now ???

Namechangetempissue · 19/01/2018 16:13

Cynical maybe. But I would put money on me being right.
He hasn't radically changed his mind about being in love in a few months. I'm sure he likes the OP, but I would bet the idea of his fantasies being indulged is a big draw and I would be massively concerned he was just in it for that. I wouldn't want to be someones maybe.

100YearsOfVote · 19/01/2018 16:15

he doesn't care about your sexual needs, is selfish in bed and now he wants to physically hurt you to get himself off.

I'd pass OP.

Delilah21D00LoT · 19/01/2018 16:15

OP you've been with this guy for 10 years, yes?

I would not be questioning his sexual fantasies - I think they're irrelevent - he's admitted that he doesn't love you - why why why are you 'giving it another go'?

Confused
That is bonkers!

jaseyraex · 19/01/2018 16:17

I enjoy those things, but I'm not you OP. It was also discussed early in mine and DHs relationship, not ten years later. I would be a bit Hmm if it's never been mentioned before after so long together.

You don't have to think anything about it other than if it's something you're interested in or not interested in. Your husband needs to be okay with whatever you decide. Personally, whether I was in to it or not, it would be irrelevant after him saying he didn't love me anymore.

PoorYorick · 19/01/2018 16:18

Don't ever do those things with someone you don't trust. And don't trust him.

movinonup · 19/01/2018 16:19

What do you think he would he say id you told him that you had similar fantasies?
Would he let you heat up the wax pot and then give him a good spanking?

Original poster
drecmore · 19/01/2018 16:19

Hi all,
Sorry I probably wasn't clear in my first post.
I'm not judging and I'd like to think I'm open to new things, but for me it's all about connection and trust, which as you can imagine in this situation is rather non existent.
To be clear I don't think I'm used as we don't have sex and he doesn't seem to be interested in having sex with me anyway.

To put everything else aside (I do know I have other problems!)

Tha reason I posted is I can't fucking understand how you can not mention something like that to someone you with for 10 years! And what happened that he suddenly developed this interests what psychology behind it? Is it excessive porn?

Before all the splitting and live business come out our sex life was fairly boring tbh he didn't seem to be very much into it, as probably couldn't get off on regular stuff.

OP posts:
saladdays66 · 19/01/2018 16:20

He doesn't love you and wants out of your relationship, so why is he telling you about these fantasies?? Completely inappropriate.

Or tell him you'd be keen on giving them a go but you only want to give spanking etc, not receive it.

SumAndSubstance · 19/01/2018 16:21

Who cares what he thinks about the sex? He sounds like a pig.

crunchymint · 19/01/2018 16:21

Men who choke women are recognised as statistically much more likely to kill their partner.

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