To think choking during the sex is no go...

[drecmore]

Been together 10 years, few months ago he admitted he doesn't love me, can't see the relationship going forward etc.

Anyway after talking and debating we decided to give ourselves another go...

Few nights ago went out for dinner. Surpassingly we had really good time, drank too much wine and somehow I asked him if he had any sexual fantasies (we didn't have sex for moths now as he was "leaving" me, unhappy and not interested).

Well he said he's really into choking, spanking and waxing.... (giving not receiving)

Wtf I am supposed to think about it???

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

NormaNameChange I know, that’s pretty much exactly what I said

[Snowysky20009]

I think people who haven't been choked, imagine a man puts his both hands around your necks and squeezes. This is not the type of choke that is being referred too.

[IMightMentionGriddlebone]

Thank you both.

Yeah, I have noticed the general 'prude-shaming' that seems to happen. I am very happy to advocate for the rights of genuinely consenting adults to do all sorts.
But I've never grasped why some more-liberal-than-thou sorts will bang on all day about how consent is paramount in the kink world, and how BDSM is nothing like abuse, and yet don't notice that some of their brethren sound like a dodgy boyfriend accusing you of being frigid for not 'putting out enough'.

Always seems to be women being pressured to "try new things" too. Odd that...

[Reddlion]

I like spanking but my ex tried a couples times to choke me and it just made me cough because I couldn't breath i don't get it

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

There’s a huge difference between being the strangler and the ‘stranglee’ in this scenario. The physical sensations coupled with the subservience are an understandable kink. Enjoying watching someone ELSE who hasn’t even hinted that they’re interested in the physical sensations or the dominance is just plain fucking weird.

[RainOnATinRoof]

In case no one has mentioned it yet:

There is zero way to make choking a safe activity. Even light pressure can cut off the carotid artery and that can trigger stroke or death. Additionally, the windpipe/throat area is a delicate structure and it doesn't take much to cause (potentially fatal) injuries. Unlike other BDSM activities, "minor" accidents or mistakes don't happen with choking or breath play. It's literally a matter of life or death.


Not something to dabble in. Especially if it's just to please someone else.

[ReanimatedSGB]

I like kink, but I don't look down on people who are not into it. I don't have a ot of time for people who get all 'Ewww, it's disgusting, filthy perverts', though.

(BTW, some women like being the one who does it to a partner. I'm into giving not recieving - though not breath play. Too paranoid about the risks.)

[IMightMentionGriddlebone]

I think people who haven't been choked, imagine a man puts his both hands around your necks and squeezes. This is not the type of choke that is being referred too.



It's always, 'oh you don't get it', isn't it.

Could it not be that anyone objects to having their air supply restricted, then? I don't care whether the choking is achieved through manual pressure or through the delicate performance of Swan Lake by a gaggle of flower fairies, it's not erotic.

[HairyBallTheorem]

Oscar Wilde famously said one should try anything one, except incest and Morris Dancing.

I prefer the idea that everyone is allowed what I think of as their "Prunes and Custard" list - a list of things where they just immediately think "ew, no, not for me." No-one has to try anything they don't fancy the sound of.

[HairyBallTheorem]

At the risk of sounding disgustingly perverted, I've always thought that Morris dancing looked quite good fun.

[BertieBotts]

Rain's post is extremely important.

[Moussemoose]

Any form of kink is based on absolute trust.

No trust no kink.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Hairy - Morris dancing is massively good fun. Yup, I'm an out and proud morris dancer. (There - see? Kinkier than the lot of you )

[Weebo]

Do not under any circumstancing 'give anything a go' which involves this man strangling you.

Jesus fucking Christ.

[Weebo]

I think those people mentioning trust are absolutely right but I also think a bit of basic safety should come before that.

There is no such thing as an expert on strangulation. Even the most trustworthy partner could very easily seriously - even fatally - harm you doing this.

[TrinitySquirrel]

OP your husband has probably always been in to what he has mentioned. Some guys just never mention it because they don't want to lose their status quo/perceived investment in the relationshiop or deal with the shame surrounding the fetishes if the partner doesn't react well to them.

The fact he's told you is good, because he's let go of that mental block, but bad as that's only happened because he doesn't care what the fall out is any more. He's probably exhausted mentally with wanting it or bored and fed up for that to happen.

It's time to either embrace it (if you want) and start a fresh slate with him, or say your goodbyes.

I do have to advise though if you embrace it, he may still want to walk after a while because of course, the fantasy is the never the same as the reality if it's with an existing partner. Old dynamics can be hard to shift.

[TrinitySquirrel]

IMightMentionGriddlebone, not erotic to you...

To thousands upon thousands, yes, yes it is.

[HairyBallTheorem]

I'm worried now, SGB, that I'm coming across as one of those wanna-be-cool-girls who's Morris dance-curious.

[IMightMentionGriddlebone]

IMightMentionGriddlebone, not erotic to you...

To thousands upon thousands, yes, yes it is.

I rather thought the to me was clearly enough implied. Then I posted it, read it back, and though, "oh shit". Thought about doing another post, consisting solely of "...to me", in fact.

Then I thought, "we're adults on an adult forum, not sixth formers trying to be conformatively edgy on tumblr. I probably don't have to be demonstrating acceptance in every. single. sentence. of other people's kinks."


Well, boy, did I get that wrong.

Tho' to be fair, at this very minute, I am like so over the expected performance tolerance of other people's kinks. I mean, look at this tangent. You pick up on my two left out words in a conversation that might imply I'm invalidating other people's desires, but are you picking up on the pushing of reluctant partners (generally women) to give it a go, whatever "it" is, and expressed any views about enthusiastic consent? What about the physical dangers of breath play? Still no?

[itsbetterthanabox]

A man wants to choke and hurt you? Massive red flag. Especially since he’s broken up with you too. He just wants to hurt you. Leave.

[Weebo]

I am like so over the expected performance tolerance of other people's kinks

Yes, yes and yes. Thank fuck someone said it.

My name is Weebo and I think strangulation and sex do not belong together.

[Mitel]

Few over reactions here. She asked what his fantasies were. He told her. As long as he keeps it to a 7/10 strangle, I really don't see the issue. Give it a try and see how you go. If you don't like it then fair enough. You might though, and then you will be here saying you went up to an 8/10 strength.
What do they say? You regret the things you don't try in life! Your relationship deserves it - you have been together a long time. Good luck!

[TrinitySquirrel]

IMightMentionGriddlebone the majority of the kink community are women who have the desire to be there, not terrified wives who are dragged along. So genuinely, that point isn't even relevant. Op is not a supressed party who feels she needs to play along to 'keep her man' from what I gather.

And choking is rarely defined as breath play. It's a dominance position, and should not restrict airflow/oxygen (for a more intense orgasm - breath play).

[IMightMentionGriddlebone]

Well, I never. Never thought I'd feel nostalgic for the days of "Griddle, Paul says if I really cared about him, I'd... you know, do it with him, and I don't feel ready. Suppose I get pregnant? What do you think?"

Remember the days when you might ask your friends for advice on working on your marriage (by focusing on what he was in to, and totally ignoring your own desires) and putting on a French maid outfit would be the most out-there suggestion?

[IMightMentionGriddlebone]

So genuinely, that point isn't even relevant.

I think it bloody is. If you're going to be petty about two missing words, but say nary a word about the tenor of other posts in this thread, then you've made your position very clear, haven't you?