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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think choking during the sex is no go...

199 replies

drecmore · 19/01/2018 15:58

Been together 10 years, few months ago he admitted he doesn't love me, can't see the relationship going forward etc.

Anyway after talking and debating we decided to give ourselves another go...

Few nights ago went out for dinner. Surpassingly we had really good time, drank too much wine and somehow I asked him if he had any sexual fantasies (we didn't have sex for moths now as he was "leaving" me, unhappy and not interested).

Well he said he's really into choking, spanking and waxing.... (giving not receiving)

Wtf I am supposed to think about it???

OP posts:
peachgreen · 19/01/2018 16:49

Choking as a sexual fetish is not the same as violently choking someone in anger. Hmm Obviously, like all BDSM it should only be practiced in a trusting relationship by people who know what they're doing and with agreed safe words.

Snowysky20009 · 19/01/2018 16:51

OP you have got to do what you are comfortable with. I personally enjoy choking and being spanked etc but that's my fetish. I don't do it everytime I have sex, I enjoy vanilla sex too! But each guy I've explored this with, ive brought it up very early on in the sexual relationship. Often they have their own too that they want to explore.
But the point is, do not get involved in anything you do not feel comfortable with. Especially not just to please them. Either he's been hiding this part of himself very well for all these years, or he likes the idea and wants to try it.

ClaryFray · 19/01/2018 16:52

@Dahlietta

Everyone has tried spanking at some point. It's par for the sexual course for most people.Choking can be fun, it's a submission and power exchange thing.Wax also fun.

It's about trust. Op shouldn't trust him after what he said. But their pretty standard fetishes to be fair. I'm not daring, just educated

HairyBallTheorem · 19/01/2018 16:57

"Everyone has tried spanking"? Speak for yourself. I've never had the slightest urge to try it, nor has any partner I've ever had suggested it. Pain, even mild pain, is not part of my idea of sexual fun. Fine if it's yours, but don't project your preferences onto everyone else.

Laiste · 19/01/2018 17:02

WhatToDo Thank you for enlightening me. Seriously. I was imagining someone whipping strip after strip of hairy waxed paper off someone's legs/arms/privates while laughing or groaning

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 19/01/2018 17:05

Laiste No worries Smile I wouldn’t be surprised if waxing hair off is someone’s fetish somewhere, but generally when people mention wax in a sexual context it’s to do with wax play as in dripping hot wax.

Original poster
drecmore · 19/01/2018 17:05

Thanks for all your replies!

I am open to most things but atm there is no trust and no communication even for straight sex not to mention kinks, (hence part of the reason why we are, where we are atm)

I wanted also stressed that I'm not pressed by him in any way, nor I feel like I need to comply for any reason.
It wasn't condition and came out in casual conversation where we both were pretty drunk.
I'm probably overthinking this, but feel angry and disappointed that he never mentioned this before, when things where ok ( or I thought where Ok)

OP posts:
Wetwashing00 · 19/01/2018 17:06

If after 10 years he doesn’t love you anymore, why are you giving him the time of day?
To me that reads ‘it’s over’

Butterymuffin · 19/01/2018 17:19

I take it he didn't ask if you had any unfulfilled fantasies? Thought not. Send this one on his way.

Idontdowindows · 19/01/2018 17:20

Funny how all his fantasies revolve around hurting you.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/01/2018 17:20

Waxing? Waxing what? Confused

1ndig0 · 19/01/2018 17:36

He sounds pathetic tbh. Very cruel to have told you he doesn't love you anymore. Who cares about his little fetishes - sad w*ker.

NormaNameChange · 19/01/2018 17:36

Ten years and he hasnt felt it appropriate to share some of his favorite kinks with you?

I dont think this is going to work, do you?

I'm quite fond of all three of those (receiving) but I sure as shit wouldnt do them with someone who a) behaved like that and b) wasn't capable of maintaining control of his own life - you did say he stopped taking his meds and was a bit of a mess for a while, yes?

I also dont beleive anyone who was into wax play would call it "waxing" , its very odd phraseology and I wonder if hes just seen it and thought "oooo, yup!" Two out of three could leave you very badly hurt id they go wrong - three out of three depending what he wants to spank you with...I wouldn't trust him to lick my boots OP, sorry.

pinkdelight · 19/01/2018 17:37

Erm, unless I'm missing something the key word here is 'fantasies'. I haven't seen anything to imply it's something he's done or even intends to do. We can fantasise about all manner of stuff and never do it. The fantasy itself is often enough to give satisfaction. And it's not even like he brought it up and is trying to get the OP involved. She asked what his fantasies were in a drunken conversation. What did she expect him to say? "My sexual fantasy is missionary position with you, my love."?? My feeling would be don't go probing about people's sexual fantasies unless you really wanna know the truth and can deal with it. But also this is a side issue. If he doesn't love you, the relationship is over.

StopTheRoundabout · 19/01/2018 17:48

OK waxing put in the context of dripping it on to someone is different to wax hair removal. Grin I still wouldn't trust him do I'd be saying no.

MsHomeSlice · 19/01/2018 18:01

he doesn't love you, has NO interest in a relationship with you, yet "somehow" you ended up drunk and in a saucy conversation...what's all that about, really?
I certainly wouldn't be engaging in sexy talk with anyone who had made it clear I was not good enough.

Seems to me, you are regretting that he has somehow got away and are about >< far from throwing yourself at him in the manner of the BullsEye competition..... awwwww look what you could have won

And he is surely enjoying seeing how far you might go with his helpful suggestions

esk1mo · 19/01/2018 18:07

how does he know he is “into” it if he hasnt tried it with you? or did he just say they were fantasies?

because a change in sexual behaviour coupled with his lack of sex with you is indicitave of playing away, maybe visiting a dominatrix or BDSM escort.

ocelot41 · 19/01/2018 18:11

Honestly? I would think Ruuuuuuuuun! He doesn't love you and gets aroused by the idea of hurting you. What's to like here?

MamaImCrazyNow · 19/01/2018 18:15

Well I wouldn't be with him after he said he didn't love you but putting that aside - I don't see anything wrong with choking fantasies as long as they are just fantasies of course. I like a bit of rough housing but my DH is to much of a gentleman to play it out for me shame

MrsDilber · 19/01/2018 18:18

I don't think I could stay with a man who said he didn't love me, that's the most shocking aspect of this post.

You asked for his fantasies and he told them you.

username7979 · 19/01/2018 18:26

run away, as fast as you can.

papayasareyum · 19/01/2018 18:38

I’m shocked that so many people enjoy being choked during sex and even that it might be considered bog standard or vanilla sex. It’s fucking dangerous. There have been so many cases, just in the press alone, of people dying in these sex games gone wrong..

PoorYorick · 19/01/2018 18:44

I am open to most things but atm there is no trust and no communication

That's it, then. BDSM is about trust - you don't necessarily have to be in love with your partner but you absolutely have to trust your Dom, and a Dom absolutely has to care about the wellbeing of the sub. It's supposed to be a mutually enjoyable and fulfilling experience.

And if you're married and not just fuckbuddies, then love is a pretty crucial element of it.

It doesn't sound as though you need to be told, but don't go anywhere near this stuff with him. And especially if, like too many men, he thinks D/s is simply about a woman doing everything he wants and has no concept of power exchange.

WhoWants2Know · 19/01/2018 18:47

Choking gets on my nerves. Feels like every guy I've slept with in the past few years just has to ineptly grab hold of my neck to demonstrate how fucking edgy he is. Hmm Same with hair pulling.

Just because a guy has heard of it or seen it in porn doesn't mean he is a) good at it or b) able to read his partner's mood and choose the right time. If they're going to do it badly, I'd rather they didn't attempt.

BertieBotts · 19/01/2018 18:54

Hang on, the link between strangling and DV related murder does not refer to sex related strangling/choking, but strangling as a domestic assault.

I would not personally have anything to do with sexual strangling either - too risky and the idea does nothing for me - but let's not run away with something which isn't there.

Sorry OP but that aside - I can't understand why you're continuing to invest time in him? Move on.

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