To think choking during the sex is no go...

[drecmore]

Been together 10 years, few months ago he admitted he doesn't love me, can't see the relationship going forward etc.

Anyway after talking and debating we decided to give ourselves another go...

Few nights ago went out for dinner. Surpassingly we had really good time, drank too much wine and somehow I asked him if he had any sexual fantasies (we didn't have sex for moths now as he was "leaving" me, unhappy and not interested).

Well he said he's really into choking, spanking and waxing.... (giving not receiving)

Wtf I am supposed to think about it???

[Ohyesiam]

I'd think he had developed a porn habit

[Namechangetempissue]

Do you think he was giving you a sly ultimatum OP? If you give this stuff a go, the relationship might be back on?

[Springiscoming123]

sounds to me like hes been indulging in his fantasies and now he wants to try it out on you

[Candyandpop]

He says he doesn't love you? Are you hoping to change his mind by perhaps doing what ever it takes? If you are not into that sort of thing don't do it just to please him, to win him over.

This man has already checked out of your relationship. You deserve happiness - run for the hills!

[Laiste]

Choking and spanking, righto. But WAXING?? That's a new one to me.

[Laiste]

I realise that isn't the thrust of the thread. I'm just a bit

[Situp]

These are activities which can be very gratifying but only in an environment of total trust. In addition, it is even more vital that the recipient be 100% willing to participate.

I don't think you are keen and he certainly doesn't seem like someone you should be doing this with.

Doing it in these circumstance and with this person for the reason of trying to save your marriage sounds like it could really cause you psychological damage.

Make sure you put your needs first OP

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

Choking during sex with a partner who you love and trust is fine, is actually very pleasurable and enjoyable for a lot of people. Sparking and waxing are the same.

The issue here is him saying he didn’t love you; now is not the time to be trying intimate sexual acts you need to trust somebody for.

[Julie8008]

TBH I would quite enjoy someone else waxing my bikini line/arm pits for me, not sure how exciting it would be for them but each to their own.

Should you get a refresher in the Heimlich Maneuver before you trying the choking thing?

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

Choking and spanking, righto. But WAXING?? That's a new one to me.

Laiste I assume it’s not waxing as in waxing hair off, but rather dripping hot wax onto someone. It’s not new and it’s not that uncommon either.

[ClaryFray]

There pretty on the vanilla scale. But if your not into them, then don't do it.

[drecmore]

To clarify I don't intend to indulge these fantasies ( not in the relationship I feel unloved etc.)

I still have feelings for him, but I'm not naive (I think)

I decided to try again because when he said he doesn't see future together and he's feelings towards me changed he was severely depressed off his mess., completely mess. I do realise I'm might not be able to save this relationship and it's all together sounds really bad.

[Dustbunny1900]

As to how someone can be with you for that long and not mention it..I've been with DH for seven years this year, and only recently opened up about (some) of my kinks. I also enjoy violent sex but receiving vs giving..I'm positive it's because of some of the abuse I experienced as a kid but it's not something I feel good about even enjoying and I'm very worried about being judged by my DH. But for me, BDSM requires a lot of trust and makes me feel closer. Everyone has their own thing.

But in your case, fuck that, I feel like he's just jerking you around at this point..like, "I've told her I don't love her but she's eager to please, so hell let's just see how far I can go and throw out random sex ideas to see where the boundaries are"
Correct me if I'm wrong.
The bigger issue is that he says he doesn't love you, so idk why potentially dangerous sex is on the table or being discussed

[Dahlietta]

There pretty on the vanilla scale.

Well, I don't think they are vanilla at all! You might practise far more kinky activities, you daring thing you, but if someone said to me that they only enjoyed vanilla sex, I wouldn't be thinking, "Oh yes, a bit of choking and some dripping of the hot wax, then a mug of Horlicks before sleep".

[maygirl27]

If my partner had told me that he didn't love me and then told me what he told you, I wouldn't be thinking anything about it because I'd have run for the hills by now. TBH I think you're better off without him.

[EggsonHeads]

Waxing is a fetish?
Anyway. People have all kinds of secret they don't tell their partners. I must admit that I am impartial to a bit of spanking but i'd he too embarrassed to tell anyone in real life, least of all someone I was in love with because it's a bit cliched and a bit pornographic. I definitely wouldn't want them to assume that I was watching shitty porn. Maybe now that he doesn't love you anymore he doesn't care what you think? Or maybe he told you because he thought that it would help you get a bit of closure.

[StopTheRoundabout]

Waxing Ouch! Wouldn't be for me. I wouldn't particularly want to sleep with someone who has said he doesn't love me. I'm not sure I would trust him to let him do that kind of play when he doesn't want to be with me and doesn't love me. At the end of the day it depends on how you feel.
Of course he's into giving and not receiving

[EggsonHeads]

Come to think of it I'm pretty sure that myDH has a chokingfetish (receiving) but he is far too reserved and old fashioned to explicitly say anything about that and I'm too thick for subtle hints. He's too British and I'm not British enough I guess. Sex is still good regardless. I do wonder though.

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

Waxing is a fetish?

EggsonHeads More than likely it’s the fetish of dripping hot wax on someone else’s body, rather than waxing hair off.

[IrkThePurist]

Choking is extremely dangerous. He told you he didn't love you. The fact he now wants you to accept sadistic practices on you including choking is extremely concerning. He is not talking about a mutual kink or game.

Please, be extremely cautious that you don't end up as a statistic.

Strangulation and Domestic Violence Murders;
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-act-violence/201703/strangulation-and-domestic-violence-murders

[StormTreader]

You asked him, and he told you. If you didnt want to know, dont ask.
They are fantasies, it doesnt mean he has been plotting for 10 years to sneak up on you with it or anything

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

For anyone whose not heard of wax play and would like to know more, you can read about it here: en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wax_play

[VinnyTheVagina]

Wtf is waxing in sexual terms? Like, giving somebody a back, sack and crack?!

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

VinnyTheVagina Nope. It’s called wax play; I posted a link above.

TL;DR it’s dripping hot wax on someone else’s body.

[HairyBallTheorem]

Yup, fine to enjoy these things consensually with someone you trust (and trust for good reason, not simply trust blindly - you have to know that they respect you and your boundaries). Though personally I am more vanilla than a very vanilla thing (in the true sense of vanilla - there is no way in a million years breath play, which is potentially very dangerous if done wrong, counts as vanilla!)

My instinctive reaction is that I don't think you should explore these with your soon-to-be ex. He's said he doesn't love you. That's not the context in which to be exploring kink at his instigation that you've never felt the urge to try before.

Also, it's fine not to want to try things. No one is under an obligation to prove that they're open minded, or cool with new things, or whatever. If vanilla sex does it for you, that's fine. An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. It's not automatically a better sort of orgasm simply because it requires whips or leather or breath-play or... (By the same token, if you personally find your orgasms are better when the involve whips, leather, breath-play... then crack on and enjoy).