To think choking during the sex is no go...

[drecmore]

Been together 10 years, few months ago he admitted he doesn't love me, can't see the relationship going forward etc.

Anyway after talking and debating we decided to give ourselves another go...

Few nights ago went out for dinner. Surpassingly we had really good time, drank too much wine and somehow I asked him if he had any sexual fantasies (we didn't have sex for moths now as he was "leaving" me, unhappy and not interested).

Well he said he's really into choking, spanking and waxing.... (giving not receiving)

Wtf I am supposed to think about it???

[Dipitydoda]

Well two consenting adults can do what they like, people like different things. As part of the discussions did he say he did actually love you? If he’s suddenly got new fetishes he’s either been using porn or having an affair where he experimented with these things. Have you considered counselling

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

Can I ask a genuine question to the “kink” posters here? What is it about being dominated that is enjoyable and erotic? Psychologically speaking?

Not a “eww that’s gross” question at all. But genuine wanting to know question.

[PoorYorick]

Calling it a ‘community’ is very funny.

It's also entirely accurate, so...hahaha?

[Sevendown]

Waxing? That ones new to me!

He sounds dangerous. Run

[Moussemoose]

@IfyouseeRitaMoreno because submission is wrong. You shouldn't do it. The thrill is in the forbidden aspects.

Sexual attraction and sexual pleasure is often based in the hidden cracks in your psyche. You can ignore it or indulge - up to you.

BUT you must have absolute trust in your partner, that is why contracts are used. Openness, trust and discussion. No trust no kink.

[Namethecat]

I've been having sex for 40 years ( including a marriage ) and no partner has ever tried to choke me.

[PoorYorick]

What is it about being dominated that is enjoyable and erotic? Psychologically speaking?

I don't really like answering this question because it's one of those things which, if you've not experienced it or aren't into it, it is really hard to understand. It's like asking gay men why they're not attracted to women when women are so beautiful. Why does anyone enjoy anything sexual?

However, to try....I like having his attention on me. I like being able to give up control (to a degree...the sub's always in control really. Safewords and limits.). I like the thrill of surrender. I like the eroticism and intensity of controlled pain within my tolerance, it makes me feel alive and gives me endorphins and a little bit of suffering heightens intensity and feelings of submissiveness. I like that he desires me so much he works for my submission and considers it worth having. I like his skill. I like that he cares for me - I've done some odd and somewhat painful things but I have never, ever felt uncared for - and will always stop immediately and make sure I am all right if I use my safe word (only ever happened once in many years). I like that he gently pushes my limits to introduce me to new things I had never considered, and talks about them with me. I like the self discovery. I like the fact that I know his kinks go deeper than mine, but he controls them and reigns them in because he is looking after me. I may not show it much in everyday life, but I do have a desire to be pleasing to the right kind of person, and I can express that with him.

I'm the one being tied up and hurt, but actually I'm being sexually liberated. And he's the one dominating, but actually he's the one being restrained - because he isn't allowed to do anything that I don't permit.

And I love the aftercare. I love the high I feel, the intense closeness to my Dom, the love I feel for everyone on the planet really. I like the way I bloody LOOK after a good session - really red cheeks and lips even if I'm not wearing makeup. I actually look beautiful after a session and believe me I'm nothing special.

I say BDSM can be done between fuckbuddies and it absolutely can. In my case, though, it's always been as part of a loving relationship and still is. We are giving each other what we need. I could put this all down simply to 'I have a need to be sexually submissive'. If you don't have that need, fine....but some of us have. Lots of us. Most of us, I think, to a greater or lesser degree.

But, as I can't stress often enough - you MUST trust your partner and the Dom MUST care for the sub's wellbeing. You must NEVER feel that your Dom will do anything he likes with no thought as to how it affects you.

This is also why the 'community' that someone upthread sneered at is important. People who are new to this or inexperienced don't always know what it should look like. A community will help to ensure that they are not coerced into anything they do not want or would find harmful, and means you can meet like minded people without having to have a clumsy conversation about it. If it's not your thing, fine, but just trust that for some people it is. ("Polite perverts" is how one friend puts it.)

My husband is a very dominant and kinky man (did you notice?) and he was one of the most vocal people I know in the 'me too' campaign. Safe, sane and consensual is everything.

[PoorYorick]

Oh shit, I'm sorry. I didn't realise what a wall of text that was. It's a known phenomenon that if you ask a kinky person to talk about it they will never fucking shut up. I guess I had to join the dark side eventually.

At the very least I hope I've answered the question.

[WinchestersInATardis]

Can I ask a genuine question to the “kink” posters here? What is it about being dominated that is enjoyable and erotic? Psychologically speaking?

There are a few reasons I could go into, but the truth is that I think it's completely innate. My sexual fantasies involved BDSM-like activities from the moment I started having sexual feelings. I had a very sheltered upbringing and didn't even see vanilla porn until I was well into my twenties, so it didn't come from someone or a culture persuading me into it.
I strongly believe it's an innate thing.
And for those trying to shame us for it, I get that it can look very odd from the outside but if you're into this kind of thing, it's something you will have spent a long time thinking about, discussing how to do it safely and working out boundaries with your partner.
And yes, there are some men who push those boundaries and try get women to do things they don't want to, but that's not exactly unique to BDSM is it?

As to the OP, as others have said, the fact that you've said you're not sure if you trust him is key, and he said he didn't love you.
That means there are some bigger issues than one of you having kinky fantasies.

I wouldn't read too much into him not saying anything before. As you've seen from this thread, people often react with horror if you say you're into something like this. It can be a hard thing to raise with a partner and you're not sure how they'll react. I didn't in my first long term relationship and that went on for years too.

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

Can I ask a genuine question to the “kink” posters here? What is it about being dominated that is enjoyable and erotic? Psychologically speaking?

This is an exceptionally personal and intimate question that a million people could answer, and yet if you’re not into it you won’t understand. It will still be alien to you, and that’s fine; you don’t have to or need to understand it.

There are some very nasty and judgemental posts on here. It’s a shame people still think it’s acceptable to be so rude.

[WhiteWalkersWife]

For us we dont go full on into bdms but play with a coupke of bits. I cant answer for my husband but i enjoy watching him getting turned on by it all and pushing him to his limits. For me when we switch its just fun and it physically arouses me. Its hard to explain because its more a feeling than anything.

[WhiteWalkersWife]

I suspect your husband felt this way all along which could have made things hard between you sex wise if he didnt enjoy it as much without those. Definietely dont do them just to please or keep him. Find someone to pleasure and give you your fantasies, not just his own.

[BekoLeGecko]

Some people love giving oral some hate it, some people hate doggystyle and others love it.
Different strokes for different folks.
It feels nice and erotic (either physically or mentally), so I like it. It's that basic for me.

[Snowysky20009]

Why do you like it:-

For me I like surrendering the power, over to him. That he can do what he wants (only what we have previously ageed on and we have safe word). It's also knowing that I have power at the same time, if that makes sense. Seeing how much he wants me, how much he desires me, and to a point how much he needs me.

Someone asked upthread had we been 'groomed'-far from it! For me it started with a boyfriend and we had read up about it and seen it on a porn film- and it turned us both on. So we started experimenting.

I would then bring it up with any boyfriends early on in the sexual relationship, I was with one guy who did not like choking, so that's fine we never even attempted it. Because he was not comfortable with it. So why would I even say 'just give it a go?', no, at the end of the day no mean no, it doesn't matter which partner says it. Likewise I had another bf who wanted to use latex dressing up- a big no no from me, the stuff goes through me, I tried it once, I felt hot, sweaty, and not in the least desirable. So I told him no, and he was fine with that.

So there are different reasons why people like, and how they get into it, but it all comes down to the same thing. It has to be between two consenting partners. Not one who wants to do it and the other who is only doing it to please them.

[Quartz2208]

I think the point here though is that unlike the other relationships here that are built on mutual understanding, respect and pleasure he is trying to force you. People who are been groomed and worn down are not part of the scene - they are in abusive relationships

As PoorYorrick rightly says the sub should be the one in control and the dom is restrained based on the subs desires and wishes - that is not what is happening here, he wishes to push his desire of power and control onto her rather than creating a mutually pleasurable situation.

Here it is clear the relationship has run its course, he no longer views her as an equal and therefore feels able to say his limits.

[Gladiola44]

Interesting article, I completely agree BDSM is used as a cover for abuse. www.vice.com/en_ca/article/kwkkea/abusive-bdsm-relationships-do-exist-despite-what-community-says-784

Other interesting article from a feminist perspective
liberationcollective.wordpress.com/2013/01/27/bdsm-is-violence-against-women/

[Moussemoose]

BDSM can be a cover for abuse, but so can sex, marriage or any relationship.

[leeloo1]

@PoorYorick I think that's a great description. I love that the most important feature of the dominant partner is how restrained, respectful and caring they have to be.

[drecmore]

Wow! Thanks for all your responses, but I think point of my thread was bit misunderstood here.

I didn't ask shall I try or do this to please/keep him.
He never asked implied or try to trip guilt me into doing anything. It was simply conversation about fantasies.
I don't feel like I have to do anything and I don't feel pressure of trying.

For me personally chocking it's one big no, it's too dangerous and I would not feel comfortable doing it with anyone, but it's actually quite interesting to see so many people actually enjoying it. For me it's just too extreme.

Like I mentioned before, we do not engage in any sexual activities at all. (3 moths now) I am all aware he said he doesn't love me and there is no way back from there. But, I'm finding it incredible hard to let go and probably need more time to process it all and find closure.
I'm not naive and I don't think I can change things and how he feels about me and our life. The reason why I'm giving him any headspace is because I put everything in those 10 years and I'm taking into consideration his poor mental health.

[maygirl27]

Sorry drecmore, 10 years is a long time and I can understand you've given the relationship all you've got and it is also great that you're taking into consideration his mental health, but don't you feel you have a right to be happy? Sadly, it doesn't appear that you're going to find it with this man. Like you I had a relationship with a man who had poor mental health, and in the end I had to leave that relationship. He wasn't abusive physically, but began to get frequent flashbacks and started to follow his ex around until he was warned off. Sadly, since then, over the years he has had spells in a psychiatric unit and given that you recognise that in your own words, 'there is no way back from there' with your partner (former?), it is probably a good time to move on and give yourself some headspace and the chance to meet someone who will treat you a hell of lot better. You deserve it. Good luck.

[PoorYorick]

I'm sorry for derailing your thread, OP.

It's only natural and normal and human that you should be thinking about this a lot. You've been together ten years. But that doesn't mean you have to carry on forever if it's not working. There will be no prize for it, just misery. Look up the sunk costs fallacy, aka 'throwing good money after bad'. It was the right thing for a while, then the world changed and it isn't any more.

[ReanimatedSGB]

The thing some people are missing about kinky sex is that it's a hobby. (As is all sex that isn't PIV for TTC purposes). Some people's hobbies involve physical danger (potholing, hang gliding, motorbike racing), some involve pain or extreme exertion (most contact sports, ballet, some circus skills, rock climbing etc) some involve at least 'safe scares' such as watching horror films or riding roller coasters.
Not everyone likes any of these things. Some people want their hobbies to be gentle, quiet and relaxing. All of this is fine.

Everything PP who like submission have said matches up with what my submissive (in sexual scenarios) friends say, too. And a lot of the women I know who like being dominated for sexual purposes are smart, tough, in control etc in the rest of their lives. I'm at the other end of things, so to speak, in that I like doing things to other people but I make very sure that whoever I'm doing stuff to likes and wants it, and that I'm not doing damage unintentionally.

[HairyBallTheorem]

Actually, the point about rock climbing is interesting. Undoubtedly part of the allure (when I was younger and could still climb relatively hard) was the dopamine high. Listening to friends talk about "subspace" makes me wonder if its simply that their neurotransmitter of choice is endorphin (and subspace always sounds to me a bit like descriptions of doing sex on drugs, but your own, internally generated drugs). Given my liking for dopamine I suspect if I was drawn to kink I'd end up as a domme rather than a sub. But I'm happy with vanilla sex and dopamine highs from doing dangerous stuff.

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

Yorick and Winchester, thanks for your extremely honest replies.

Whatto I wasn’t meaning to be judgemental. It’s just that I find the paradox intriguing, that loads of women like being dominated and abused in their sexual fantasies, yet those very same women wouldn’t countenance such abuse in real life. Where does that come from?

And the fact that you can only surrender completely to a man who you trust not to take advantage of that. I feel like there’s some evo psych reason for it all but haven’t worked out what it is.

Anyway OP, yes if the key is trust and love then it looks like you’re on to a loser. I really hope you cut your losses and find some happiness away from someone who doesn’t appreciate or love you

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

IfyouseeRitaMoreno Yeah, I know you weren’t being judgemental But there are so many on this thread that are that I would rather not reveal how something so intimate, special and personal makes me feel.