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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
Ashamedandblamed · 24/12/2017 12:52

Sorry op but she doesn't trust him he walked out on her yet she is happy to have him stay over at her house.

I wouldn't Trust him as far as I could throw him.

No idea why you would think it was a good idea to reproduce with a man who doesn't even want to try and get a formal order to see his kids.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 12:52

Sitting there talking about how she feels when you haven't a clue!

Yep. OP has never even met the woman!

TheNaze73 · 24/12/2017 12:53

He should be putting you and your baby first, not the wishes of his Ex

What crap, children should come before anyone

Allthewaves · 24/12/2017 12:53

How old are his kids and is there's health issues as you keep saying health appointments

stitchglitched · 24/12/2017 12:54

You've never even met her? Are you sure she even knows you exist? Or just what your DP has told her?

stitchglitched · 24/12/2017 12:55

Sorry that should say 'what your DP has told you.'

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:55

Between 5 and 7

One of them does have difficulties that they are seeing a specialist for

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:56

Oh she knows I exist. I was present when the flurry of calls and texts came prohibiting him to have the children around me

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 12:57

How long ago did she find out about your existence?

GrrrHotdogs · 24/12/2017 12:58

BTW What did you do last Christmas?

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:59

Roughly 4-5 months ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:59

Last Christmas I was working

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 24/12/2017 13:00

Does you think it was acceptable for a 5 and 7 year old to be introduced to a new, pregnant partner, without their main carer being made aware so she could support them through it? Were the kids supposed to keep it a secret from her?

stitchglitched · 24/12/2017 13:01

You said on another thread that she was only told when you were already heavily pregnant.

Bluelonerose · 24/12/2017 13:02

She's trying to make it an issue imho.

She sounds jealous that he's moved on.
She doesn't need to be happy for him she just needs to trust his judgement as a parent to allow his children to be around people he trusts.

Ide let it go this year (only coz it's Xmas eve) but have a serious chat with you dp about next Xmas. Good luck

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 13:03

No actually I don't happen to think that's ok. I spent a long time pressing him to tell her about the baby. He was reluctant because he knew the minute she found out it would impact his contact, he was right.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 24/12/2017 13:03

I can't understand why you have chosen to bring a child onto this mess.

No way would I tolerate this. I would tell him to sort it out or he would be deciding between two houses to visit his children next Christmas.

He is not spineless - he doesn't mind telling you what he is going to do - he just doesn't want to upset her. I would feel second best in this scenario. Flowers

Hermonie2016 · 24/12/2017 13:04

Op, I agree with you and think he's a weak man and he is putting himself first.

Everything is about his wants and needs and you are going along with it because he is manipulating you into saying its for the children.

Please don't assume his ex is a bad person.She knows him well.
The description of why they broke up reads more like this to me
"ex wife started to assert herself.She no longer put him first especially when dc came along, he didn't like the shift towards equality so fell out of love".

Seen it happen all too frequentely.I think you are a nice person who is happy to put your own needs last because you assume he will compromise or put your first at times.
Christmas is highlightlng that actually he isn't putting you first at all.Who puts their heavily pregnant girlfriend on a bus over Christmas? Only someone quite selfish.

I think you need to start articulating your needs, please don't be a martyr going along with his ideas because you will feel resentful.
I'm sorry to give such a negative view of the situation but I was similar...gave constantly for good reasons always assuming it was mutual.When I woke up to the situation he couldn't handle putting me first at times.He became abusive but other men just fall out of love and find someone new to repeat the cycle with.

I hope I am wrong but start putting your needs first, ask him for what you want and see what his reaction is.

Hermonie2016 · 24/12/2017 13:04

Op, I agree with you and think he's a weak man and he is putting himself first.

Everything is about his wants and needs and you are going along with it because he is manipulating you into saying its for the children.

Please don't assume his ex is a bad person.She knows him well.
The description of why they broke up reads more like this to me
"ex wife started to assert herself.She no longer put him first especially when dc came along, he didn't like the shift towards equality so fell out of love".

Seen it happen all too frequentely.I think you are a nice person who is happy to put your own needs last because you assume he will compromise or put your first at times.
Christmas is highlightlng that actually he isn't putting you first at all.Who puts their heavily pregnant girlfriend on a bus over Christmas? Only someone quite selfish.

I think you need to start articulating your needs, please don't be a martyr going along with his ideas because you will feel resentful.
I'm sorry to give such a negative view of the situation but I was similar...gave constantly for good reasons always assuming it was mutual.When I woke up to the situation he couldn't handle putting me first at times.He became abusive but other men just fall out of love and find someone new to repeat the cycle with.

I hope I am wrong but start putting your needs first, ask him for what you want and see what his reaction is.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 13:05

I do feel second best when it comes to him prioritising our feelings yes. He never wants to upset her apple cart but I'm constantly having to deal with doing the "putting up with"

OP posts:
WillowWept · 24/12/2017 13:05

In your shoes I'd stay at home in my own house and ask your DO to go visit his children for an hour and then come home to you.

It's not fair on you (or realistic) for him to go and play happy families for a whole day whilst you try to occupy yourself.

Ellisandra · 24/12/2017 13:07

Oh dear. What happens on Xmas day tomorrow is the least of your problems.

I'd be seriously fucked off if my children's father introduced them to his pregnant girlfriend without preparation or informing me.

He has terrible judgement. Which means I take with a massive pinch of salt anything he says.

He needs both a spine for Xmas, and some decency.

CurryWorst · 24/12/2017 13:07

Well you picked him OP. I guess you do need to believe in his bullshit or else you would have to be asking yourself wtf you had got yourself into and how long it will be before he's telling another woman how unreasonable you are being and how wonderful a father he would be if only you'd let him......

rizlett · 24/12/2017 13:08

Tumble - first of all you don't need to go to your aunty's unless you want to. As you mentioned earlier that you'd prefer to stay home and watch a few movies etc perhaps you could just do that and leave him to sort out what he's doing over Christmas.

It certainly wouldn't be right to go to your Aunt just so that he doesn't feel guilty.

Decide what you would like to do and do that.

runwalkrun · 24/12/2017 13:10

Is he staying the night?
Is she the type to encourage him to stay the night? Where will he sleep?

I know you say you don't think anything untoward is going on, but add in the mix of alcohol and the fact it's Christmas. There will no doubt be a lot of reminiscing going on and a lot of looking at the past through rose tinted glasses

The occasional bit of nooky with the EX is more common than people think. Hmm