To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

and that would be the exs fault?

I think he's playing both of them. OP and his Ex.

I can't say with certainty he won't spend the night there, I wouldn't even know if he did if I'm at my aunt's. I don't believe he has any romantic feelings toward her anymore but as pointed out, emotions run high at Christmas and anything could happen. He's not a drinker so I highly doubt he will be getting drunk there, but obviously a few beers or whatever is entirely possible given the occasion.

I would be lying if I said I felt comfortable with them being in a family setting all day on such a special occasion. I haven't said this to him though, because his children come before my own feelings and i don't want to spoil their day. He is their father and they're looking forward to seeing him Christmas day, how I feel about the setting is irrelevant.

I'm not the sort to stamp my feet and say he can't spend the day there. If i put up that much of a fight about it chances are he would just go for a few hours and then come home, but then his children would be the ones who suffer and I've told myself that I can overlook how I feel for their sake this year.

When I've asked if he's going to have dinner there and spend the entire day he said no he doesn't want to, but he would say that wouldn't he. I won't know any different.

For what it's worth I don't intend to allow a repeat performance next year when my baby is here, but because bump isn't here yet I feel a sense of obligation to put his other children first, if that makes sense?

I didn't even feel downtrodden about him going there until 6 hours was mentioned, that probably sounds a bit stupid on my part.

Initially he said he was going for about 4, then it changed to "4 or 6" and that's when it dawned on me he's probably going to be there all day long.

Well he sounds far more worried about how things will impact on him than about the welfare of anyone around him. He put his young children in an utterly shit position because it made his life easier, and he is packing you off for xmas for the same reasons. With you out of the way he can relax, enjoy the day, doesn't have to keep an eye on the time. You deserve much better than being treated like that.

Thank you stitch I feel that way too. I won't tell him that though because of this big MUG stamp I have on my forehead where anything child related is concerned

Most parents that separated don't go to x s houseto spend the day,they alternated Xmas at one house then switch for the following yr..he's going because he wants to..no way would I be putting up with that

YADNBU!! No way would I be comfortable with this in my relationship. His ex needs to get over herself and your DP needs to start prioritising you and pushing for his DC to be "allowed" over. It may be worth him pursuing mediation over contact.

He's very much one for avoiding arguments and hates conflict / tense situations.

If i was to say to him im not having this shit then I do believe he would limit the amount of time he spends there tomorrow. The problem is I would then feel guilty and bad for his children because it's clearly pre arranged that he would be there.

I'm also conscious that the ex might have a thing or two to say about the fact he only "popped in" on Christmas and didn't spend much time with the kids. I would be the one who bares the brunt of the blame for that no doubt

I'm not surprised you are sad. I thank anyone would in your situation.

It's not a situation I would be brave enough to get myself into I'm afraid.

Here's a thought.
I still think thr ex is probably a nutter who is bitter and jealous and probably would set up some 'for old times sake' sex (which he would be at fault for as well should it happrn). She seems quite manipulative

But, could you give her a call and speak woman to woman. As in 'obviously we have children with this man and there needs to be sensible arrangements moving forward to ensure all the children develop happy, healthy relationships'. That way it's on her. You've been reasonable. If she acts like a crazy lady then that's her doing, you have the high ground and then you have more proof for court that she's a bitch.

But, could you give her a call and speak woman to woman.

Don't do this. I cant stress enough that you avoid doing this.

I don't think it's fair to say the ex is a 'nutter'. OP acknowledges that her DP put his kids in a shit position, I'd be furious in the ex's shoes and wouldn't trust his judgement at all.

I've wanted to reach out to her before but have been reluctant because of how she's reacted and referred to me when telling him he's not to bring the kids around me. In my current state (heavily pregnant about to pop) I really don't want to be going at it with his ex, having a spat.

When he spoke to her about our relationship along came a barrage of vulgar texts and calls, not only from her but a relative of hers aswell. I don't think my contact would be welcomed at all. I intend to speak to her once the baby is born though because by then i have no option but to have this addressed properly

I think you're doing a lovely thing for his kids DH. If you trust your partner, don't let anyone raise doubts in your mind. Next year things will have to be different and he will know that. All sorts of things will have to change. I think your kindness now will not go unnoticed and you're in a strong position to talk about what will be best for all the children next year when there is a sibling to consider. Personally, I'd want professional mediation and an agreement in place that will mean you're not elbowed out.

And don't ring her, it is up to your partner to deal with. If he is happy with the status quo and would rather take any option for an easy life then nothing you could say to her would make any difference, he won't back you up.

He never wants to upset her apple cart but I'm constantly having to deal with doing the "putting up with"

No. He never wants to upset his applecart!

He currently has a really cushy situation. She does all the parenting, he gets to call in and play fun Dad on special days, gets his meal cooked for him and his soppy girlfriend just trots off to her aunty like a good little girl so even if he doesn’t bunk up with his ex on Xmas day he gets his own house all to himself to play Xbox.

If i was to say to him im not having this shit then I do believe he would limit the amount of time he spends there tomorrow. The problem is I would then feel guilty and bad for his children

Don't feel guilty.
It's not necessary for him to spend the whole day with them.
A couple of quality hours is sufficient enough.

In which case don't call her. That doesn't sound good. I was hoping maybe her actually talking to you might help her see you are lovely and reasonable and not some sort of evil new woman she has in hwr head. It doesn't sound like that would work.

stitch
Any woman who uses her children as a weapon and makes contact awkward because she doesn't like ex's new relationship is a nutter in my eyes.

"your DP didn't even tell her of your existence until you were already heavily pregnant and she will be dealing with the fall out of that being sprung on her children too."

This. Oh, so very much, this.

My ex didn't tell me about the fact that he'd moved on, until his then-partner gave birth. Our DC were 5 and 13 at the time... and, even though his now-wife (who was the OW, although didn't know it at the time) was allowed around them/their baby, they have voted with their feet. I've done nothing to encourage this. It simply is how my 13 and 21 year olds feel about what their father did all those years ago.

Are you completely certain you weren't the OW, OP? Even unwittingly (as my ex's now-wife was - and she's a lovely woman who adores my DC, so...!).

What are you planning on doing next year? You go to your aunts, whilst he takes your baby to his ex's for Christmas Day? Because that's what is likely to be proposed unless you make a stand, I'm afraid.

and hope that you don't go into labour early and he misses it because he's at his ex's.

Why don't you try it OP? Tell him that you are too exhausted to travel to your Aunt and you want to be in your own home. Tell him he is welcome to go to his ex for the morning and then come back and cook you a nice xmas lunch whilst you put your feet up a bit. See what his reaction is.

He’s probably told her you don’t want the kids over for Xmas day and that he’s has made a stand and told you that he was seeing his kids no matter what and that you’ve fucked off to your aunts in a huff. Or some variation of that.

'Using kids as a weapon' might be someone else's 'protecting my hurt and confused kids from the shocking judgement their father has shown whilst I pick up the pieces with 2 hurt, angry and confused young children.'

In fact you could argue that the DP is 'using his kids as a weapon' agsinst the OP. She doesn't feel she can do or say anything about her needs and wants because he is 'doing it for his kids.'

No, you don't have to speak to her once the baby is here.
Your useless boyfriend has to.

I'm one hundred percent sure I wasn't the other woman even unwittingly, from the minute we started dating i would spend nights round his place and was invited to turn up whenever I liked. He was open about his children and their mum, never hid the times he would be with his children etc. Now obviously that being said I couldn't say for sure that they weren't sleeping together after the split, based on his version and my own perception of their relationship I think it's unlikely because of the dynamics of the split but then again what do I know? Anything's possible and without speaking to her there's no way I could be dead cert about anything.

I may well do that actually stitch. Test the waters and see what he says. He's asleep at the moment as he worked the night shift last night and I'm supposed to be leaving for my aunt's at about 5pm.