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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 24/12/2017 12:20

Were you the OW. In which case I think she is within her rights to be difficult. I think it's fair that he should be going to visit his DC's on Christmas day. He is their father after all. But 6 hours is a bit too long IMHO. Three or four would be quite enough when he has a new family.

GreenTulips · 24/12/2017 12:23

What's his plan for next year OP?

He needs to sort this out leagally - his contact time he should do what he feels is right for the kids

Do they see his family?

Original poster

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:23

I'm not the other woman and wasn't at any point x

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 24/12/2017 12:23

Seriously, it gets me so angry when I hear of women (because it normally is the mother) thinking that the children belong to her and she only allows the father to see his children on her terms.
And they are usually the same women who when they get a new DP think that their new DP shouldn't have any contact with their own ex about children because they want their new DP to play dad to THEIR children whilst posting crap online about how 'DP is a much better dad to my children than ex. They may as well call DP dad'. Aka. Don't be involved with your actual children because I'm a jealous fucker but do play daddy to mine so we can point score against my ex.
Such a strange breed of woman.

CocaColaTruck · 24/12/2017 12:23

He needs to put his foot down in the new year and tell her he will have his DCs in his own home with his new partner and she can fuck right off. He needs a solicitor, that will stop her in her tracks.

Nasty woman. Next year it's his turn to have them at yours, make sure it happens.

QuiteLikely5 · 24/12/2017 12:23

Xmas is such a magical day and I guess it will be super special for the children to have their father over on Xmas day.

His ex really needs the law laying down in regards to contact and I would be threatening court action (in the new year). Otherwise believe me you are going to have a future nightmare on your hands with regards to contact.

Original poster

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:23

He hasn't said what his plans are for next year yet x

OP posts:

Indigo911 · 24/12/2017 12:23

He could have gone to theirs Xmas morning for breakfast and to watch them open gifts etc. 3 hours would have been enough. And then he could have been home with you by 12 and spent the day with you

MsVestibule · 24/12/2017 12:23

Why all the questions about whether she was the OW? Even if she was (which I know she wasn't), does that give the children's mother the right to only allow contact on her terms? She can be as bitter as she likes, but that shouldn't allow her to dictate who the father sees the children with.

user838383 · 24/12/2017 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 12:27

I don't have much faith in that any time soon.

Nor do I pet. Seen it played out in RL and on MN too many times. Look, you know him, you don’t have to answer any of us here but you know him well enough to know whether he is being complacent here because it’s easier than actually parenting properly (far too common because it’s easy to blame the ex) if that’s the case then you need to decide if that’s the kind of relationship you want. Also, if that’s how he treats his existing children, is how he’ll treat yours too.

His children are lovely and I'm gutted at the thought of them not being a part of their little siblings life

Don’t accept it! Tell him you will not accept that and he changes it. Tell him to get to a solicitor before the end of January.

MaisyPops · 24/12/2017 12:27

Why all the questions about whether she was the OW? Even if she was (which I know she wasn't), does that give the children's mother the right to only allow contact on her terms?
Because I think disproportionately there's a number posters on MN who think mums are saints and the children belong to the mum and so obviously a mum couldn't possibly be being jealous, bitter, nasty, after attention, controlling so there must be a reason. The non resident dad must have done something which can explain away awful actions that put petty point scoring above the needs of the children.

Rather than thr sad reality that some women are nasty and bitter, pick and choose when their ex can see the kids, get a new fella and mess on with contact and then complain that their ex hasn't done enough. It's all on their terms around who they are/aren't/would like yo be shagging

Viviennemary · 24/12/2017 12:28

Thanks for answering Tumbleweed. I agree then that this situation should not be tolerated and she should be taken to court unless they can come up with an agreement.

For those who say OW or not makes no difference. I disagree. I wouldn't want my children around the woman who cheated with a married man and now wants to play happy families with them. It does make a difference IMHO. But if the courts decided otherwise then I'd have to comply.

stitchglitched · 24/12/2017 12:29

She shouldn't be stopping contact but going by your other posts I can understand why she is upset and maybe she feels she is protecting her kids somehow- your DP didn't even tell her of your existence until you were already heavily pregnant and she will be dealing with the fall out of that being sprung on her children too.

He sounds spineless and lazy tbh, and he's also a gaming addict who ignores you every night. I hope you have decent friends and family around to support you as I can't see him prioritising you anytime soon. Sounds like he will just go along with what makes life easiest for him.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 12:29

He hasn't said what his plans are for next year yet x

Because his ex hasn’t told him what his plans are yet

Original poster

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:31

I think he plans to spend the full day there hence being keen on me going to my aunt's. He knows that if I go to my aunt's I will have to spend a minimum of a day and a half there due to the bus network and how they operate over Christmas. I don't think for a second anything untoward is going on between them or is going to, but obviously the thought of them enjoying Christmas day as a family whilst I'm packed off to my aunt's heavily pregnant isn't very comforting.

I think she still has feelings for him. He was the one who ended the relationship because they had grown apart after almost a decade of being together. They took one another for granted, got comfortable and slowly fell out of love (at least he did). I think it came as a shock when he left because she had gotten so used to things just ticking along, I understand why she would be hurt when he moves on (just to clarify again he had already left long before we began dating) I just think this is her way of punishing him for being with somebody else, making sure he can't move on with a new partner without her making it difficult with their DC's

OP posts:

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 12:31

your DP didn't even tell her of your existence until you were already heavily pregnant and she will be dealing with the fall out of that being sprung on her children too.

Hmm, in light of this is suspect you may have been the OW without knowing it.

Sounds like he will just go along with what makes life easiest for him.

Yep.
Get ready to do all the parenting OP. Even for his kids when they are eventually allowed round. He isn’t actually interested in parenting.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 24/12/2017 12:32

The ex is being ridiculous about contact and your DP needs to sort the through the courts after Christmas.

She's obviously hurt though at being left with the children and her ex moving straight on and having another baby barely a year after dating and very likely before the children have had chance to adjust properly. That doesn't give her the right to act like she is but she's human.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 12:33

You know what actually, it isn’t too late to change plans. Tell him you aren’t going to your aunts. He can go see the children for a couple of hours in the morning and come back and spend the rest of the day with you.

nestletollhouse · 24/12/2017 12:34

I can tell you how to solve this problem, which is exactly what I would do.
I would tell him if he wants to remain in a relationship with me he needs to sort out contact with his children, get an order if necessary. I would tell him to tell the ex that he wants the kids for half the day or he can go back and live with her, because he sure as fuck isn't leaving me and our unborn child to go play happy families with his ex wife.

ShotsFired · 24/12/2017 12:34

I can understand how you feel, it's perfectly normal.

One thing I would advise in the New Year though, is a clear headed and frank discussion about what happens this time next year. It will be your first Christmas as a family, but you also have to work out how best for him to see his other family too.

Maybe take some time this year to think about your ideal outcome and how that can be reconciled with the difficulties of exes and step kids, before that discussion?

VladmirPoutine · 24/12/2017 12:35

Tbh it sounds as if this is relatively the calm before the storm. That being once you've had your child. Steel yourself OP - the road ahead looks rather arduous.

Merry Xmas!

ShotsFired · 24/12/2017 12:35

(Sorry - had clicked the thread ages ago but not refreshed before posting )

Original poster

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:35

Regarding my other posts. Yes he definitely has an addiction to computer games, but he's not a bad man and where his kids are concerned he's a good father which has never been disputed by his ex even after the split.

I feel bad saying this but he is spineless when it comes to enforcing his own rights

(Fwiw me and him spoke in depth about the computer games thing and he's no longer playing every day) x

OP posts:

Indigo911 · 24/12/2017 12:37

Make sure you are extremely direct with him about how Christmases will be from next year onwards. He can see his kids in the morning and the rest of the day is spent with you and the baby. I wouldn’t be ok with my OH spending the full day with ex, especially if I knew she still wanted to be with him and might try and manipulate the situation for her benefit. A few hours - fine. Not the whole day though!

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