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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

998 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 12:00

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

OP posts:
MincemeatMuncher · 24/12/2017 13:52

I’d be questioning why she was so venomous at being told about you to be honest.

I know it’s a lot easier to accept the ‘oh she’s a bitter crazy ex’ than ‘oh I was still messing around with her and keeping my foot in the door just in case’.

Killdora · 24/12/2017 13:54

He’s probably told her you don’t want the kids over for Xmas day and that he’s has made a stand and told you that he was seeing his kids no matter what and that you’ve fucked off to your aunts in a huff. Or some variation of that

Oh yes, that is quite a common one. You are probably the jealous possessive new girlfriend op, and he the valiant father who has stood up to you.

MaisyPops · 24/12/2017 13:55

The OP has said tjr kids were happy.

If the ex actually cared about a reasonable resolution then she wouldn't be being awkward with contact, wouldn't be bad mouthing OP (who wasn't the other woman) and would actually be willing to sit down and talk with ex and OP about how there'll be a way forward instead of the shit storm that is thr current situation.

OP's DH needs a backbone but the ex also needs to stop playing stupid games vecause she's the mother so can make demands/limits on contact as and when it suits her.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 13:58

The OP has said tjr kids were happy.

Well firstly, happiness isn’t a permanent state. Things like finding out Dad is having another baby can upset children. And secondly, children can put on an excellent show of appearing happy with people and then come home and have a breakdown when they can let it all out. I have two “happy” children who are currently receiving weekly therapy.

stitchglitched · 24/12/2017 13:59

She doesn't have to sit down with the OP, and we don't know what her current communication with OP's DP is like, beyond initial anger at being kept in the dark. The fact that he is happy to pack the OP off and spend xmas day as a family suggests it isn't as awful and hostile as he has led the OP to believe.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 14:00

And it sounds like OP has only meant the kids a few times so not really the best person to be able to tell if they were really happy.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 14:00

Met*

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 14:02

He's far from perfect and is a spineless git at times but she definitely exerts her control as much as she can in terms of restricting his contact on her terms, that much is true.

Should he stand up for himself more and put his foot down? Oh absolutely. Definitely. He doesn't want to go down the court route because he's worried about not seeing the children in the mean time; so it's always her way or no way.

I've seen some of the text exchanges she does exert her control and I'm not biased when I say that.

I'm open to the fact she may well be a lovely woman and not whatever else, but it can't be denied that she uses the children's access to dictate what she is and isn't happy with

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 14:02

Agree stitch. No-one willingly spends 6 hours with their ex in the exes house if the ex is hostile towards them. They call in for half an hour or an hour on Xmas morning to see their DC and then leave.

stitchglitched · 24/12/2017 14:03

And yes, kids often only feel able to display their true feelings where they feel most secure and comfortable. It isn't uncommon for children to feel they have to act a certain way, or 'impress' in households where they don't have the same feelings of security.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 14:04

Oh well, if he isn’t willing to make changes then you need to get used to spend Xmas however she decides you will. Fwiw I think you and she are both being spun a load of shite by him. I’ve seen it enough times to recognise the type.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 14:06

Especially if the “threat” of another child vying for dad’s attention is looming over them in that house. Baby gets to see Dad all the time, I don’t, if I am happy and don’t make Dad shout then he’ll like me more than baby.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 14:06

She's not hostile when he's round there seeing the kids. Everything I've heard about her from DP and others indicate she's a brilliant mum, she doesn't let the children see her anger towards this situation as far as I know. She will give DP 'what for' through the phone but when it comes to him being round there with the kids she doesn't use that opportunity to argue or anything

OP posts:
patch7676 · 24/12/2017 14:07

I can't say that I have much sympathy for the OP.

What did she expect him to do on Christmas Day ?

Spend all day with her and not to see his kids ?

She knew that he had kids, so he hasn't misled or deceived her.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 14:08

So she’s a brilliant mum who won’t let her children Be affected by her anger at her ex yet she will withhold contact from their dad because she is jealous and wants him back? Confused interesting.

funkyzebra · 24/12/2017 14:12

So next year when you have a baby will you be spending it alone without your partner? Will you be happy for your partner to play happy families on Christmas Day with his ex and kids while you and your child are alone?
You need to think about this more long term.

It doesn't make any sense. You need to be giving an ultimatum to your partner. He either spends Christmas with you and your child at your house (with his other kids welcome too). Or you leave.
He needs to be getting some legal advice and contact hours written down. Just because she is the mother of his first children does not mean that she can dictate everything. You are in a relationship with him and are imminently going to be the mother of his child too. You need to put your foot down and he needs to grow up and stand up for himself and his pregnant partner.

Jerseysilkvelour · 24/12/2017 14:15

Been there, done that, could have written the exact same post a few years back.

It's not going to change. You've seen how he chooses to deal with his ex, and of course he wants to see his kids, and you and your baby are almost certainly going to be the losers in this.

VladmirPoutine · 24/12/2017 14:15

It's a pity that men like him don't come with huge flashing warning signs.
There are so many red flags here.

toomuchofacoincidence · 24/12/2017 14:17

Your DP needs to strap on a pair and stop letting his dickhead ex control
His life. Contact through the courts is the only way forward - plus keeping a record of her demands if he can to prove how unreasonable she is!

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 14:18

@Donny

Admittedly that does sound backwards. What i meant in simpler forms is that she doesn't use the time he spends at her place seeing the kids to argue with him. He is of the opinion she is a really good mother to the children, BUT obviously as far as this topic is concerned she doesn't act in the best way. Restricting his contact so that it involves her all of the time obviously isn't ok.

I do intend to start putting my foot down once the baby is here. I always did. I've grinned and bared it recently what with it being the children's birthdays quite close to one another and then xmas, but I'm not prepared for it to always be this way. I'm thinking of my baby when I say that and not even myself

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 14:18

Yep vladimir. They should have a colourant added to their speech. Brown for all the bullshit the talk. Obviously. Grin

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 24/12/2017 14:19

So are you going to your aunts tomorrow? I wouldn’t in your shoes.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 24/12/2017 14:23

@Donny

I'm not sure yet. I'm gonna call her shortly for a chat. My mother's going to be there and is looking forward to seeing me so it'll mean letting her down too, but in all honesty I can't be arsed with bus journeys and every thing else that comes with visiting them whilst I'm about to drop. I'm happy with a mince pie and Christmas film at my own place, even if that means spending part the day alone so he can spend some time with the little ones

OP posts:
funkyzebra · 24/12/2017 14:23

Is he aware that things will have to change very soon as he has another child on the way? He will have to accommodate all of the children in his life. This will make him unable to give into ex's demands all the time.

Ellisandra · 24/12/2017 14:24

But they often do come with flashing lights, which get ignored.

No way would I decide to have a child with my boyfriend, if our relationship wasn't established and committed enough, and of sufficient duration, that I had met his existing children.

That was a big red flag right there.

OP has been with him 2 years, and is 9 months pregnant. Yet only met his kids when she was already pregnant.

Why?

I'm all for rushing not to introduce children to new partners too soon, but 18 months? When you've decided to have a baby?

If poor controlled diddums here was too scared to upset your apple cart by admitting to a new girlfriend then he took a fucking big risk starting a whole new family in such a difficult situation, didn't he? Hmm

There is LOADS more to this.