To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

His plans for next Christmas? You mean your joint plans as you spend it as a family with his new baby and ensures he sees his children too right? He can't do this next year!

Yanbu to feel sad but I think it sounds ok. He isn't 'playing happy families' with them and his isn't putting her first, all he is doing is wanting to spend Christmas with his kids.

You've been dating him less than two years which isn't massively long do maybe the ex just needs more time before she thinks it's ok to let the kids be fully part of your life. It's not an acceptable reason but it is a reason iyswim I think maybe giving it more time and playing the long game might mean you all end up with a better long term relationship rather than racing to court.
It is as much in your interests as anyone if your partner and his ex get on well.
If I were you I would also feel a bit sad but I wouldn't complain or guilt trip him at all. i would tell to enjoy himself and if he wants to eat Christmas lunch there then he should.

he's a good father which has never been disputed by his ex even after the split.

The children are never in his house, what fathering is he doing exactly? you seem to have set some very low standards for what parenting involves. Will you be happy with him doing as little parenting of your child as he does with his older children? If his ex matched his level of parenting she would be done for neglect.

Your partner is a spineless weed. Good luck having a long term relationship with him if he won't stand up to his controlling ex.

It always amazes me that so many of these men need to be told to arrange contact with their children. I’ve never had anyone tell me I need to see my children more. What the hell is that?

I think what’s done is done for this year, I hope you enjoy your time with your aunt.

However I agree with the others, in future this has got to stop. He is their dad, your child will be their half sibling, you weren’t the other woman, he needs to stand up to her and she needs to get a grip.

My DSD comes first second and third for my husband, and he and his ex go to parents evening together. But I wouldn’t tolerate him playing happy families with her. It’s confusing for the kids, it gives them false hope that mum and dad will get back together. What if you want to get married? Will she forbid them from the wedding? Will she forbid them from seeing the baby? She needs to move on. I would suggest you push the idea of meeting her for coffee, and that he tells her you will be part of contact in future. Otherwise in future years you will be spending Christmas as a single mum while he is with his ex. Put your foot down.

Just want to say I think you're a wonderful person

Yes she's a bit off but you're taking that personal

I think you're doing right by letting the kids see their dad.

Once Christmas is done I would get your partner to sort out some proper mediation etc for proper contact not just what she wants

But he kept you a secret from them until you were heavily pregnant, that isn't fair to you, your baby or his other children. And he is packing you off out of the way so he can have a convenient, easy xmas and I bet it will be minimal effort on his part too. Turn up, play Santa and eat someone else's cooking. Can you really see this man being someone who will fight in court, or put you first? His life sounds pretty cushy to me.

I wouldn't want my children around the woman who cheated with a married man and now wants to play happy families with them
You may not want something but to prevent it or be awkward is putting adult point scoring above the needs of the children.
Thankfully, the courts don't generally allow parents to say 'but he/she was mean so...' But really it shouldn't need the courts for 2 adults to make decisions in the interests of the children.

I think thr ex still has a thing for him and is enjoyong being able to use the children as a weapon to generally make his life difficult and prevent him moving on fully.
The DP needs to get legal advice and get all contact drawn up in an agreement where some fruitcase ex can't say you can see your children but can't do x y z / can't see your DP, don't want them meeting their other sibling/oh i changed my mind because without that protection I'd put money on the ex making contact arrangements and then breaking them, or having 'emergencies' on weekends when he doesn't have the kids so it disrupts hid plans with his new baby.

the problem is the RP (normally the mother) holds all the cards/power a court will only punish the RP in extreme cases after years of attempts in the mean time the NRP has to pay for EVERY single time they go to court to enforce an order (they hardly ever award costs).

and it normally takes 10+ trips to court before they start issuing penitiles to RP so basically all a obstructive RP needs to do is go to mediation agree to stuff (then refuse to do it) it goes to court agrees with the judge etc (then stop shortly afterwoods stops that too) goes back to court say sorry will follow the order (does a couple of times then stops aka child ill / party soical life etc) goes back to court rinse and repeat (normally a good few year) then normally children are old enough to say what they want and normally in these cases the mother has posioned the relentionship beyond repair (aka promise the kids that dad is coming then refuse to let him have the kids and then tells the children daddy didnt bother to come see etc).

The court has the power to stop this wacka mole but so rarely uses its power (even the basic of if the RP forces the NRP to repeatly go back to court they should start footing the bill rather then making the NRP be solely responsible).

I have had cases were the RP does this knowing its going to cost her EX dearly and even told the judge thats exactly what she was doing but judge still didn't award the NRP costs (thats just how bad the system is).

While yes there is deadbeat dads but equally there are mothers out there that are trully this vindictive and nasty whom should equally be shamed but hardly ever are.

I think you're doing right by letting the kids see their dad.

OP isn’t letting him! It’s not her decision!

You've been together less than two years, you're practically full term and they were together almost a decade and have children together. And up to your recent talk with him used to spend a fair amount of time gaming.

Does he pay ex maintenance for their children?

However you choose to go forward with the relationship I'd strongly advise you to keep and maintain a separate bank account which you treat as some sort of rainy day fund separate from bills etc.

worridmum this Dad hasn’t even spoken to a solicitor. 2 years (at least) after separating. We aren’t several court orders down the line here. He hasn’t even attempted to see his children more.

It's true they are never in his house but that's not down to him. He was bringing them here when he had them until she kicked off and said no more.

He goes to all their health appointments, school events, pays for their keep, gives extra when it's asked for and buys them what they need. He was enjoying days out with them alone until recently when she decided she doesn't trust him to have so much freedom in access (incase I become part of it). He was constantly requesting over night visits on his days off work but she says no. I've told him it's not up to her to dictate his contact but as he doesn't want to go to court he just accepts what she says and that's that for him.

He thinks the minute he tries to action court proceedings she will stop access in the mean time, he doesn't want to go for a period of time not seeing his kids.

It's all far from ideal I know. Christmas just brings it all out of the woodwork for me I think.

donny
There is a limit what parenting a non resident parent can do when the resident parent is being a pain in the arse and making it difficult.

I don't get the claims on here 'ex is so useless because i'm the one who is up when theu are poorly, i'm the one doing school runs etc and DP does more than ex'... yes. Because the resident parent is there more. A non resident parent can't do as much because they aren't bloody living with the kids.

OP's DP needs to do more through court to have it set up, but any criticism based on 'resident parent does more than non resident one' is just silly.

He should be putting you and your baby first, not the wishes of his Ex.

He could have visited his children for an hour or two early on Christmas Day, then spent the main part of the day with you. No wonder you are feeling a bit down, I'd be livid.

His Ex is still pulling his strings, and worse still, he is happy to allow this. You are going to have a difficult time with a young baby to cope with if the Ex is in control.

I hope you have a lovely day with your Aunt Tumbleweed and hope that your prat of partner comes to see where his priorities should be.

He's not sounding like a great catch tbh.

Left his previous relationship as he was bored, jumped straight into a new hidden one and added another child to the mix before being stable. Not to mention being addicted to computer games.

The future isn't going to be hard to predict is it.

He should be putting you and your baby first, not the wishes of his Ex

no, he should be putting his children first, not his girlfriend. that's fairly basic parenting.

He sounds like a spineless loser who isn't standing up to her because in actual fact he isn't that bothered about parenting his children or building his new family properly with you. Seriously, run a mile. I could have no respect whatsoever for a man who won't stand up to his ex in order to be a proper dad. In fact I would find it pretty repulsive.

It's true they are never in his house but that's not down to him. He was bringing them here when he had them until she kicked off and said no more.

Oh right so that’s it then? She says no and he can do nothing about it?

any criticism based on 'resident parent does more than non resident one' is just silly.

It wasn’t about RP doing more than NRP. It was about him doing nothing! Well nothing other than seeing them at her house when she is there! Hardly parenting. That’s what visiting aunties do!

She might stop access for a short while during court proceedings, but surely it’s better long term if he goes down the legal route as he’ll eventually be able to get plenty of access with them, overnights etc (if he’s as good a father as you say he is). The courts will be on his side if he can prove he hasn’t stepped a foot wrong with providing for them etc

I think she still has feelings for him. He was the one who ended the relationship because they had grown apart after almost a decade of being together. They took one another for granted, got comfortable and slowly fell out of love (at least he did). I think it came as a shock when he left because she had gotten so used to things just ticking along, I understand why she would be hurt when he moves on (just to clarify again he had already left long before we began dating) I just think this is her way of punishing him for being with somebody else, making sure he can't move on with a new partner without her making it difficult with their DC's

you've swallowed an awful lot of shite from him, haven't you? Sitting there talking about how she feels when you haven't a clue!
He walked out on her and left her with 2 kids because he was bored and would rather have his own place to play computer games. Now he's knocked up another poor sap while not being arsed to get proper access to his children.
Why are you believing all his crap?

Wtf are you going to do next year when you also have his child.

If your such a new woman and so skint and cannot get from a to b I really hope things improve before the baby come.

no, he should be putting his children first

Read the next line of my post.

You know what actually OP, in your shoes I would do nothing. I wouldn’t encourage him to see his kids or stand up to his ex. I would step right back and watch and see what he actually does when left to his own devices. That’ll tell you all you need to know. Do you think he will sort out the contact on his own without you mentioning it? (He won’t)