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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is DD hinting that she is a lesbian?

181 replies

chisteck · 13/10/2017 00:50

Hello, just curious really, as that's what I'm thinking.

DD is a massive feminist. She will spend hours debating with people. She said tonight that it's a shame she is attracted to men as she's never going to be keen on the way heterosexual relationships work (that women need to be wined and dined and be looked after, etc.) and thinks this will be a problem for future relationships.

I don't know, it seemed very much like she was hinting. It doesn't matter. I'm just wondering if I should ask her.

OP posts:
brasty · 13/10/2017 00:53

No it doesn't sound like that. It sounds like a very common thing for young straight feminist woman to say.

Italiangreyhound · 13/10/2017 00:57

How old is she?

I would imagine what she is saying is that she is attracted to men but is worried about the dynamics of heterosexual relationships.

I'd be tempted to just tell her it is fine is she is attracted to women, but also fine if she is attracted to men. That not all women need or expect to be wined and dinned and she gets to decide who to be in a relationship with and how it will go. If she feels the man she is dating is not right for her she is under no obligation to date/dine with/drink with or anything else with him.

Italiangreyhound · 13/10/2017 00:57

if she is...

Original poster
chisteck · 13/10/2017 00:59

Is it? I didn't know it was a common thing to say. She is 19. She is also extremely interested in LGBT rights, but that might just be her personality. She has never shown an interest in women, only in men (in movies, etc.) so unsure really.

OP posts:
intergalacticbrexitdisco · 13/10/2017 00:59

I don't think the statement that she is attracted to men hints that she is a lesbian, no.

Original poster
chisteck · 13/10/2017 01:00

Minus the T sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
chisteck · 13/10/2017 01:01

@intergalacticbrexitdisco I appreciate how silly I make it sound!! But the way she was saying how it was a shame

OP posts:
NikiBabe · 13/10/2017 01:02

I am attracted to men. have never been interested in women. I fret about the dynamics of heterosexual relationships for the same reasons.

HTH

Aquamarine1029 · 13/10/2017 01:03

She sounds very immature. This doesn't mean she's a lesbian.

TurquoiseChevrotain · 13/10/2017 01:06

Aqua - why does she sound immature? I think she sounds sensible.

OP, don't be ridiculous. I'm also attracted to men; not women, but can't stand the dynamics of a heterosexual relationship.

GrimDamnFanjo · 13/10/2017 01:17

I think there would be more clues and at a much younger age if she was a lesbian.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/10/2017 01:22

Yes, YABU unreasonable & ridiculous.

I'm not sure what rock you've been living under if you've never heard a woman say she wished she was attracted to women rather than men as life would be a damn site easier!

(However, many lesbian women on MN have shattered that illusion 😂)

Italiangreyhound · 13/10/2017 01:57

Aquamarine1029 "She sounds very immature." That sounds like a really harsh and unhelpful thing to say!

I sometimes think life would be easier if I were attracted to women. It always sounds so nice being in a relationship with a woman, like some sort of slumber party! Now who is being immature. But I know I am attracted men, or more specifically dh!

I honestly despair of men at times, they are just so.....

But we can't help who we are attracted to! We can help how we run our romantic lives, that we don't allow ourselves to be doormats etc, that we preserve ourselves, stick to people who make our life better and value us etc. This is within our control, luckily, in the west.

Italiangreyhound · 13/10/2017 01:58

Being into gay rights right now is very popular, so it's not surprising young women are very aware of it.

Tealdeal747 · 13/10/2017 01:59

the way heterosexual relationships work (that women need to be wined and dined and be looked after, etc

Where has she got that idea from?

That doesn't resemble any of my het relationships or my friends

She doesn't want to be treated like a second class citizen.

That makes her an intelligent woman, not a lesbian!

Original poster
chisteck · 13/10/2017 02:05

Well definitely around here it's a thing that men pay the bill/offer you their coat/holds the door open for you/makes sure nothing that takes much effort is left to a woman. It's also a very popular view in her age group. I don't have an issue with a man being a gentleman though! She hates me for saying that. I'm all for equality, etc. in things that matter. I just don't get why she would get annoyed over a polite man, that's what most people her age want!!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 13/10/2017 02:10

"Where has she got that idea from?" I wonder if she has got it from friends. TV, music, books, plays, films... I wonder if she used the phrase 'wined and dinned?' And I agree she is intelligent.

There is a difference between polite and domineering. I'd expect anyone going through the door first to hold it open for me and I'd do the same.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 13/10/2017 02:23

"Men pay the bill"

I'm straight and would have a serious problem with that concept. You say that's a common thing where you live OP. Do you live in the 1950s?

I'd be appalled if I heard a young woman in this day and age say they expected to be wined and dined by a man who picked up the tab.

SilverOnToast · 13/10/2017 02:44

I didn't really properly come out till I was about 23, but I think my mum knew before I did from some of the things I said, including my unease with the dynamics of a "stereotypical" heterosexual relationship. I'm bi, and have been in several relationships with men, but have been in a same-sex relationship for the last 10 years, so I do feel that, in a weird sense, choosing my relationship was a conscious choice.

My mum often expressed sadness when I hinted about my sexuality. She denies this now that I'm happily married with kids, but then so much has changed for LGBT people even in the last 10 years. Even if supporting the LGBT community seems "popular" amongst young people, this is still only a very recent shift and those who identify as bisexual often have a tough time in terms of mental health and real life support.

Cantseethewoods · 13/10/2017 02:47

Well definitely around here it's a thing that men pay the bill/offer you their coat/holds the door open for you/makes sure nothing that takes much effort is left to a woman.

Where is "around here?" Can you send me a google pin?

80sMum · 13/10/2017 02:53

Goodness! Do men really still "wine and dine" women and offer them their coats, open car doors etc nowadays? My DH clearly never got that memo!

Member171204 · 13/10/2017 02:56

She sounds astute not a lesbian. You should be proud!

NSEA · 13/10/2017 02:59

I don't think being a vocal feminist and questioning the traditional structure of heterosexual relationships makes someone a lesbian

Out2pasture · 13/10/2017 03:02

spot on NSEA!!!

KoalaD · 13/10/2017 03:36

I am attracted to men. have never been interested in women. I fret about the dynamics of heterosexual relationships for the same reasons.

I don't think being a vocal feminist and questioning the traditional structure of heterosexual relationships makes someone a lesbian

All of this.

Honestly, I think you are massively jumping to conclusions.

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