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Original poster

To think this is DD hinting that she is a lesbian?

181 replies

chisteck · 13/10/2017 00:50

Hello, just curious really, as that's what I'm thinking.

DD is a massive feminist. She will spend hours debating with people. She said tonight that it's a shame she is attracted to men as she's never going to be keen on the way heterosexual relationships work (that women need to be wined and dined and be looked after, etc.) and thinks this will be a problem for future relationships.

I don't know, it seemed very much like she was hinting. It doesn't matter. I'm just wondering if I should ask her.

OP posts:
RosieBucket · 13/10/2017 04:09

No it doesn't sound like that. It sounds like a very common thing for young straight feminist woman to say

Yes, this. Your post could quite easily be describing my dd who is 10 years older than yours. She's not averse to arguing the toss on behalf of others wherever and whenever she feels it required of her - right down to the LGBT and heterosexual relationship issues.
Sounds like she'd tell you rather than hint. Mine certainly would.

NeverTwerkNaked · 13/10/2017 04:36

Not sure it matters either way? She just is who she is and her sexuality may shift around over time anyway. Not sure anyone should need to make a declaration about their sexuality.

But based on what you’ve said, I can’t see the hint. She just sounds very astute and maybe you and her could think about role models (whether famous or in your own experiences) who have managed to subvert the stereotype?

Lozmatoz · 13/10/2017 05:01

That’s not really a feminist view anyway. Or at least a very naive one.

I guess you’ll just have to wait and give her the time and space to tell you anything. You could agree with her, ‘yes, I can see how it would be difficult for you, there’s no harm in trying to date another woman” fir example.

Lagerthaisfabulous · 13/10/2017 05:28

The fact that she says she is attracted to men....suggests she is not lesbian. Clearly.

I get her being worried about hetro relationships. But many of us manage to have a relationship between equals.

For her to think that its impossible is maybe a little sad. As in sad that she has never met a man who would treat her like an equal. Even just a friend or relative. So she cant imagine ever meeting a man, romantically, that also would.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 13/10/2017 05:33

Sounds more like she wishes she was a lesbian but isn't

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 13/10/2017 05:35

It may be that one day she'll talk to you about it and it'll turn out that she is, but that's not what I'm sensing from this. It's a pretty common thing to support the LGBT community, especially with teenagers as it's now more mainstream and advocated for. It might just be that she sees people being 'looked after' and hates that concept, as a lot of people are now.

Being polite is a wonderful trait to have, absolutely, but feeling like a dependant probably doesn't seem all that great when you want to be equals in life.

LondonNicki · 13/10/2017 05:40

I've never been wined and dined and looked after. If anything I've been the one 'looking after' the man. Im surprised she has such an old fashioned view on relationships.

kuniloofdooksa · 13/10/2017 05:43

I agree with pp that you don't have much to go on in terms of sexuality.

She is quite rightly questioning the cultural rules that insist that men must do xyz and women must do abc. She doesn't have to follow these rules, and you can encourage her to think through what is really important. She is completely right that a lot of the behaviors that are considered "being a gentleman" are actually demeaning to women as they carry an implicit acceptance that women are weak and powerless. She does not have to accept this, even from someone trying to be nice. She can demand relationships based on mutual respect and equality. She can pay for dinner and open doors and help other people with their coats on an equal basis. Being heterosexual does not require support of the patriarchy.

cuirderussie · 13/10/2017 05:45

I was like this at her age, a staunch feminist. Even more so now. I'm straight, never been attracted to women. TBH conflating feminism with lesbianism sounds a bit 1970s sexist Confused

Impostress99 · 13/10/2017 05:47

What a strange OP. And where do you live? Jane Austen' England?

OnionKnight · 13/10/2017 06:04

She said tonight that it's a shame she is attracted to men as she's never going to be keen on the way heterosexual relationships work (that women need to be wined and dined and be looked after, etc.)

I'm confused, how is your DD by saying that she's attracted to men hinting that she's a lesbian?

MsJuniper · 13/10/2017 06:15

I felt like that as a young woman, still do sometimes. I did find women attractive but not enough to be bi or a lesbian, though I gave it a fair go.

I have to say though all my hetero relationships have been much more equal than she describes. Part of the fun is finding the like-minded men who you are also attracted to. I can assure her they are out there, although I'm afraid the best one is already spoken for Wink

PaintingByNumbers · 13/10/2017 06:31

Spend two minutes on these boards to see that many hetero relationships are v unequal - the flip side being the wining and dining
But no, most odd to think that sounds like she is hinting she is a lesbian

SecretSmellies · 13/10/2017 06:37

I still feel likethat too, and I have never been attracted to women.

Where are you living /from? I grew up in a very rural community and had family members and friends of my parents make comments all the time that I must be a lesbian because I was very academic and a feminist and into human rights and animal rights. The 'accepted' path was to finish school and go and do a job until marriage and babies. This was the 80s and 90s! I wanted a career, I wanted to travel and I got sarky comments all the time, and my DM 'gently questioning' (but blundering all over it) if I were a lesbian, and sometimes crying her eyes out at the ''sadness'' of it all (She remains a self pitying drama queen to this day). .

I left my home area at the age of 24 and have never returned. Too insular and inward looking.

PrincessoftheSea · 13/10/2017 06:43

Sounds like a very old fashioned rather than lesbian view of relationships to me.

HotelEuphoria · 13/10/2017 06:45

My daughter is like this, she is 20 and been the same since 17. She has a boyfriend

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 13/10/2017 06:46

She's not done or said anything to indicate she is a lesbian. Confused

I've no idea why you would think so.

Civilservant · 13/10/2017 06:54

The only place I found men to behave towards women like the OP suggests men round her way behave was the US. I found it annoying! Part of social conservatism there IMO.

There is plenty for young women not to like about inequality in heterosexual relationships. porn use and associated sexual dusfunction/pressure, objectification, unequal shares of domestic work and parenting. If you’re in the US there would be virtually no maternity leave. Being “wines and dined” or “looked after” is the least of it IMO!

She may or may not be bisexual or gay: she wasn’t talkinganout that, she was voicing understandable concerns.

Bekabeech · 13/10/2017 06:57

I agree with everyone up thread - and also wonder where you live (not being nosy) because those attitudes towards how men "should" treat women sound archaic - which is why your DD may be making complaints that seem from a past age.
The patriarchy is alive and well, but has moved on a smidgen in most places, so a healthy dynamic doesn't involve "a big strong man looking after a little woman". Equality and working as a partnership is far more normal.

BTW a Lesbian fancies other women, and is not attracted to men.
There are a vast range of other ways sexuality can be described, which is the kind of thing a lot of young women like your DD could describe in precise detail (bore for England).

dangerrabbit · 13/10/2017 06:57

How would you react if she was a lesbian OP?

(BTW, it sounds unlikely)

grumpysquash3 · 13/10/2017 07:30

I think the only worrying thing your DD has hinted at is that she expects heterosexual relationships to not be equal and to have to receive 'wining and dining' and be 'looked after'.

Why does she expect this?

It is perfectly possible to have an equal relationship with a man. A heterosexual relationship does not mean the man has to call the shots.

grumpysquash3 · 13/10/2017 07:31

Beka
I think you've captured it nicely!

fullofhope03 · 13/10/2017 07:32

Where are all the men that 'wine and dine' women then? Would love to know! Wink
And it's also possible to be a feminist, interested in LGBT rights and be hetrosexual too.
And yes, the number of times I've said it must be easier to be a lesbian instead of involving men in my life is huge! I'm not though. x

Papafran · 13/10/2017 07:38

Why would you even care if she was a lesbian? Let her work it out for herself and don't be constantly looking for 'clues' (as in 'oooh, she's wearing a checked shirt- that MUST be a sign')

gamerwidow · 13/10/2017 07:38

Your DD sounds very sensible and not at all naive. It is possible to be straight and to worry about power imbalance in straight relationships.
I’ve never wanted to be ‘looked after’ I’m not a child looking for another parent I’m an equal partner in a relationship.

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