To think this is DD hinting that she is a lesbian?

[chisteck]

Hello, just curious really, as that's what I'm thinking.

DD is a massive feminist. She will spend hours debating with people. She said tonight that it's a shame she is attracted to men as she's never going to be keen on the way heterosexual relationships work (that women need to be wined and dined and be looked after, etc.) and thinks this will be a problem for future relationships.

I don't know, it seemed very much like she was hinting. It doesn't matter. I'm just wondering if I should ask her.

I should probably have said I have to have great faith otherwise I would constantly despair...

I agree with everything you've said. It's getting far worse than it's been for a long time.

But I'm heartened to see that there are some young women who are aware, and militant, and who will hopefully make a difference in their own circle.

My own daughters, too, have been brought up with a keen awareness of the issues we all face, so that's something I guess.

They may parrot the great-sounding sound bites and speak the language of equality in very simplistic terms, but in actions, in attitudes and in their overall outlook? Nah. We are at a crisis point for feminism, I think

This. So many mixed messages in the media/music, so little education, proliferation of porn, all of it. It's a perfect storm. The trans issue - and the way young women are expected to be completely accommodating of men identifying as women and see them as equals, or risk being ostracised by their peers - is another huge threat to the hard-won rights and security we have. But that's a whole other thread that's been done a hundred times already

To be honest, that was the first point of hers that came to my mind. She has many different reasons why she doesn't like the dynamics. She will moan when DH asks what's for dinner and that's rather annoying her relationship with her dad is actually failing because of her views. She actually dishes out a lot of abuse to him "make your own fucking dinner" "wash your own fucking clothes" and the list goes on. I don't think her views are helpful. If anything, they just wind her up and when I don't mind doing those things, it shouldn't bother her and to fall out with her dad over it seems rather extreme. She rows with her father's family when they say that it's sad the surname won't be continued (only female grandchildren) and it all seems rather extreme. I'm not saying these aren't issues, but surely it's about choice now? If I want to do the washing and cooking so I don't have to work, that's my choice to make and it's between me and her dad. I love her to pieces but the world is winding her up more and more and I worry about how short her fuse is with some of these issues. Don't even get me started on her contraception views - she argues with her older sister about it endlessly (oldest is very much like me)

I don't care what sexual preferences my children have, but I'm still curious about their relationships. I think a certain amount of curiosity is normal, isn't it? My children have both told me the kind of partner they like, so I don't have to guess, but I'm still interested when they bring someone home if this is something more than a friendship. Is that old-fashioned?

chisteck, maybe the time has just come for her to find her own place?

When you first become aware to the reality of just how unequal things are and just how difficult it is to fight against it, and how infuriatingly blind or accepting most people are of it, you do get angry. It's part of the process. That anger is important, it says no, I won't stand for this, it isn't right. It's that hatred of injustice and it's a good thing.

She can still be asked to speak to her father in a respectful way (as long as he does the same to her).

The fact that she is rude and disrespectful to her father has nothing to do with feminism.

Yes, the swearing is not good. Not going to persuade her dad that she might have a point about anything, either. She's shooting herself in the foot.

She actually dishes out a lot of abuse to him "make your own fucking dinner" "wash your own fucking clothes" and the list goes on
How rude.

Does it? Her reasoning is because he's rude to her. He does joke about feminism, but they're just jokes, he doesn't mean what he says.

I just think her views are making her too angry. He didn't ever see her growing up - he was always at work and it was just the thing that I raised the children. She isn't thankful for this. DH thinks she should be. It all seems to be about feminism.

Yes, the swearing is not because she's a feminist, it's just rude. Does she do it because you never swear and she wants to shock you? Did someone say she was 19? If so, she's a bit old for that!

No I don't think she does it to shock me I swear. She's just angry, but far far too angry. Especially at him which I don't get, he's just following society. Like most of us are.

Jokes about feminism? Chisteck, you and he need to think about how much you are alienating her. You could lose her altogether. I'd be bloody pissed off with that, and I'm not even that political.

the way heterosexual relationships work (that women need to be wined and dined and be looked after, etc.)

more importantly- maybe you should be explaining this isn't how all heterosexual relationships work.

But no doesn't sound as if she is, if she is, I'm sure you will tell you. She doesn't sound scared to voice her opinions.

My mom constantly thought I was gay due to not having a boyfriend for many years. Sorry I was to busy getting my career and life in order to worry about boys

She knows they're jokes though. I don't joke as I know it's important to her. He does though, but they're so clearly jokes, so no reason for her to be offended.

Your attitude is quite infuriating, even just in how you're talking about her and her views here. I can quite see why she would be frustrated. You really ought to listen, discuss things, take her opinions as valid and not just dismiss them as if she's just being silly.

he's just following society. Like most of us are. What does that even mean?

He's deliberately winding her up, then you wonder that she is wound up.

Really, patronising her by ridiculing something that she strongly believes in is not the way to develop a nice adult relationship wth your daughter. A bit of distance (moving out) would probably improve things, but if you keep it up, you'll be lucky if she wants to see you very often.

Yes that's the bit that got me too. How dismissive. I would tell him, if if were my husband and he was ridiculing my daughter's deeply held convictions, and by extension her, to stop it altogether.

No reason for her to be offended?!

I'm beginning to see why she's so rude to her father.

You are very dismissive of her views. She's angry with you both about that.

Deciding she might be a lesbian because she's a feminist does make you sound like like you grew up in the 1950's but you can't have with a daughter who's so young.

She sounds like a discerning woman who is bright enough not to be completely ensnared by all the crap that the media throws at her.
I would be proud in your position.

I think laughing at her world view is belittling it. You may think she's angry, and he's just having a laugh, but actually they are both at loggerheads over this, and your DH needs to step back.

Since she actually told you she is attracted to men, where you get the lesbian thing from I don't know.

Ah, joking about feminism even though he doesn't really mean it.

So either a) he's doing it get her back up or b) he does mean it, actually, but he's covering it up by being 'ironic'. Does he joke about other issues too? To be 'controversial'? But insist he doesn't mean it, it's just larks?

If I were your DD I'd be angry, too. To posters saying she's disrespectful - don't you think her father is being disrespectful, too? Or should she just shut up and put up like a good girl?

She has strong views about gender, so you suspect she's a lesbian, despite her explicitly telling you she's attracted to men?

Christ, good luck to the lass, I think she might need it.

Of course her father is being disrespectful, but like I said, she's shooting herself in the foot by stooping to his level. It must be hard to rise above it and not feed the troll, but you can't fight disrespect with disrespect.

It does seem, OP, that both you and your DH have very strange, outdated views on men and women, their roles and relationships. I'm not surprised your DD is rallying against what she's obviously been brought up to regard as the expected behaviours for men and women.

I think it's time she moved out, if I'm being honest.