To think this is DD hinting that she is a lesbian?

[chisteck]

Hello, just curious really, as that's what I'm thinking.

DD is a massive feminist. She will spend hours debating with people. She said tonight that it's a shame she is attracted to men as she's never going to be keen on the way heterosexual relationships work (that women need to be wined and dined and be looked after, etc.) and thinks this will be a problem for future relationships.

I don't know, it seemed very much like she was hinting. It doesn't matter. I'm just wondering if I should ask her.

Op, I was a feminist, now an "equalist". I too don't fancy being wined and dined and being looked after. I want my man to respect me and treat me as an equal. Not less, not more.

I'm as straight as straight can be!!

She sounds like a visitor from the 1960s

Rubbish. No, she doesn't. She sounds like an intelligent young woman who sees through the idea that men and women are apparently equal in society now. They are not and many, many young men have deeply misogynistic attitudes. Though admittedly not usually in terms of wining and dining, but in terms of sexting, acting out porn-fantasies and generally treating women like objects. I don't recommend you read it but UniLad gives you a disturbing insight into the mindsets of some of her peers (not all of them thankfully). No wonder she's a bit frustrated.

@RosieBucket your daughter sounds awesome

She sounds like someone who cares about others and cares about how women are treated. Doesn't make her a lesbian, no idea why it would.

Sorry, she's an ardent feminist and her main concern about heterosexual relationships is that a man might pay for her dinner or hold a door open for her? Oh to be young again!

jas what do you think feminists want?

Ugh, tangent off a tangent but if you actually were ever a feminist you wouldn't now be calling yourself that ridiculous term, 'equalist'.

She sounds a lot like my DD who's 21.

Is your DD at Uni? It was my daughter's course at uni that really cemented her feminism. Meeting people from all walks of life (and her actual course, where she studied feminism in theatre) has given her a very sensible outlook on men v women.

She's not a lesbian though. Although her sister, who is also very feminist orientated, is bisexual.

No, definitely not. If I wasn't with my husband (who is a feminist and pretty progressive, like me), I'd say exactly the same thing. I have plenty of lesbian friends, but I'm definitely not a lesbian myself. Agreed with others that it sounds like she is just critiquing gender relations, which is perfectly normal for someone her age who is just starting to question the way the world is and why it's like that.

And she sounds like something out of the 60s?? Did you mean that in a pejorative sense? Because my take on that is, good! We need more women who think like that, we need to wake women up and make them understand that the fight is not won, we have not got equality and in many ways we have lost much of the ground we had gained. So actually, if she is 'thinking like someone out of the 60s', well bloody good for her!

Well, I for one worry about the same. But it's more what I AM expected to do for a man... like all the usual being supportive when they are NOT etc.
The inequality.
As for being wined and dined, these days some men expect sex as compensation.
I think your daughter is rightly concerned as I was and still am...

She sounds like a great girl, with her own opinions, and she's not afraid to voice them. If she was a lesbian, you'd know, as she wouldn't be afraid to tell you !
Celebrate and be proud of your wonderful daughter, whoever she is. 😀

Nothing wrong in being wined & dined & looked after - it happens in gay relationships too.

OP that is precisely the kind of things I would have said at this age. I was (still am) very much a feminist and really struggled with 'dating' and the amount of pressure placed on women to be sexually attractive. I also had a lot of friends on the LGBT scene and used to actually go to gay clubs because I felt so much safer there ( no risk of being groped!). I had very short hair and a butch look at some point, again because as a young woman it felt safer. I think your daughter is just expressing that lesbian relationships look somewhat more 'equal', from the outside at least? I would definitely not take it as her suggesting she is lesbian, she is probably just struggling with aspects of becoming a woman in today's society, as we all do at some point.

I could say the exact same thing as your daughter and I'm (mostly) happily married to a man :o

Tell her she is free to define her relationships as she sees fit as long as she's with someone who agrees with her.

I have often thought I would have made a far better lesbian than heterosexual woman, as hetero relationships are so tarnished by all the patriarchal bullshit. Sadly I've always been attracted to men thus far but I'll never say never!

Not getting any hint about her sexuality from the examples young I've at all. If she lives in a place where old fashioned values (being wined and dined, men always footing the bill, sticking to traditional male/female roles of earlier times) then she sounds to be questioning this and wanting to be part of more equal partnerships where women aren't seen as weaker and less capable. Wanting to see all people regardless Of their sexuality treated respectfully and equally is an extension of that sense of fairness and acceptance. Good for her.

The examples you give.

“Well definitely around here it's a thing that men pay the bill/offer you their coat/holds the door open for you/makes sure nothing that takes much effort is left to a woman.”

Where on earth do you live? This is not typical of the youth of 21st century Britain. Do you belong to a religious cult or live in an isolated community? Much older people would probably have those views, but the young are like your daughter.

My daughter shares your daughter’s views and I applaud her independence and free thinking. She has a couple of gay friends and accepts them as they are. She prefers boys though.

“There is a difference between polite and domineering. I'd expect anyone going through the door first to hold it open for me and I'd do the same.”

I agree with this. Doors should be held open for everyone regardless of sex. It is the polite thing to do.

"She sounds immature". Behave, she sounds awesome.

As she said that it's a shame she isn't lesbian, that means that she isn't a lesbian and can't even imagine trying a lesbian relationship for the sake of her feminist beliefs.

Sounds like you are going to have your job cut out for you as a mum if you are a bit old-fashioned about these things :)

Whaaaatt??? Are you pished? Lol

She was stating the normal expected dynamics of a female to male relationship is a hurdle she wishes she didn’t have to jump. I get it and often say as a straight woman that id much prefer a wife. However this is still pretty assumptive of me as I’m sure every relationship has it’s hurdles. I’m sure if she meets someone and starts how she means to go on she can have a perfectly equal and happy relationship with what ever gender she chooses.

As much as I don’t practice it I think polyamory type relationships could be a good way to go, everyone’s needs met happy days lol.

OP, so what if she’s gay or straight or bi? How does it affect you one tiny iota?

There is no way on earth anyone would ever post on a message board “I think my DD might be straight, WDYT?” which just proves how people will never accept the range of a person’s sexuality to be a)their own business and b)totally normal whomever they choose to have sex with.

There is so much stereotypical bollocks on this thread. Why on earth are people trying to analyse and belittle what a 19 year old woman thinks? I would be exhausted if I spent my time as over involved in my young adult daughter’s life as some people seem to be.

I don't agree that the young are like the daughter described here. Not where I live and work, anyway, sadly.

They may parrot the great-sounding sound bites and speak the language of equality in very simplistic terms, but in actions, in attitudes and in their overall outlook? Nah. We are at a crisis point for feminism, I think.

I have great faith that there will be a younger generation of movers and shakers who will push back against current attitudes, though. And the daughter here is and will be one of those.

Your DD sounds fab, OP.

Her sexuality, however, is not really any concern of yours. She's an adult and looking for 'clues' as to whether she likes men or women is just a tad strange. Why does it bother you? Why is it even worth a moment of your thought? It's nobody's business but hers, whatever her preference.

Sad to say @HolgerDanske I can’t agree with you. You only have to see the outdated attitudes on here, and on the internet in general, to see that girls are not being brought up to push back. You see so many threads on here where young women are being treated like slaves in their own homes and yet it doesn’t even occur to them that it’s wrong until someone points it out to them.

There are a decent number of feminists on here, and they get their points across in such a way that we feel everyone hears it, but MN is such a (relatively) small audience. The wider world is so much bigger, and the expectations of the majority of women are still so low. This will carry on filtering down through each generation unabated, unfortunately.