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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

416 replies

OverbearingHouseSitter · 09/10/2017 11:22

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/10/2017 11:26

I feel very sorry for her but she can’t just walk out of school so they are right to punish her like any other case of “bunking off”

What also needs to be put in place is a safe place she can go in school if things go to much - do they have a pastoral care department?

LaughingElliot · 09/10/2017 11:28

Bloody hell, it sounds barbaric. I couldn’t send my kids to a school like that. My kids’ schools are so kind to the students. Your poor girl.

BabyLord · 09/10/2017 11:28

YANBU. Especially considering this is out of character for your DD the schools reaction seems bizarre. She was subjected to bullying behaviour, was extremely distressed and called you. The school should be concentrating on the girls who were unkind to her.

Yes, she cant just walk out of shool every time she's upset but for gods sake do they have no heart?

Have words with her about what to do in the future - call you from the toilets? Go to the office? But i wouldnt be supporting the school in the punishment theyve given.

Pengggwn · 09/10/2017 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rockshandy · 09/10/2017 11:30

IMO the punishment is overly harsh for a pupil who is otherwise well behaved. This is clearly out of character and was triggered by something that would honestly bother most people, let alone a 14 year old girl who is already going through the self consciousness that being a teenager involves.

If it was me, I would be arguing the severity of the punishment and suggesting it gets reduced to one after school detention only. The report stuff is just crazy. If you suggest one detention it would be a compromise because leaving school without telling anyone isn't acceptable and the school are trying to enforce that.

Pengggwn · 09/10/2017 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OverbearingHouseSitter · 09/10/2017 11:31

There is the counsellors office but it's also used for meetings sometimes. School are normally very good but got pulled up on attendance a few times so they're cracking down on that. School is right to next town centre so students kept bunking off.
Head teacher is new this year and wants to change that, understandably.

I don't want to undermine the school, but I do think my DD is different from the students who bunk off to go shopping yet she has the exact same punishment.

OP posts:
SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 09/10/2017 11:31

There are many places in schools of safety within the pastoral team.

Your daughter is very wrong to truant, which is what it is. BUT this is obviously a big issue for your daughter, please to enlist the help of the HoY and pastoral team about safetly and giveing her a safe place to go to if she feels she needs it.

I'm so glad she is getting medical attention. I suppose you've tried everything and althoug hmy son didnt have spots nearly as bad as the ones I've googled, we found chlorianted water really cleared his skin. I suppose it's step too far to suggest she goes swimming isnt it?

TheMaddHugger · 09/10/2017 11:31

Are the School also disciplining the girls that bullied her ? They dammed well should.

((((((((Hugs)))))))

Dulra · 09/10/2017 11:31

It's tricky. I can completely understand why she walked out and the school probably do to but that doesn't mean they can condone her doing it. I think meeting with the school is good but they may have a policy for walk outs and have to follow the "punishment" set out in the policy.
For your dd I would encourage her to do the detentions but maybe it could be used as a problem solving exercise and get her to think of other options she could have had on that day that didn't involve her breaking school rules. Such as confiding in form teacher or something, getting permission to leave school, getting school to call you etc. It will better serve her in the long run if she can work out for herself what is the best thing to do when situations like this arise. What you don't want happening is her thinking it is ok to leave the school without telling anybody when something distressing happens (she's a teenager something upsetting will happen again for her). You want her to have coping mechanisms for such events. To me it sounds like a life lesson a tough but there is a lot of learning for her there.

M4Dad · 09/10/2017 11:31

The school isn't being unreasonable. Perhaps your DD should carry around some emergency make up, I feel sorry for her as I ended up on Roaccutane as a teenager myself but the school has to enforce it's rules.

stitchglitched · 09/10/2017 11:32

YANBU, your poor daughter. I would be contesting the punishment, she rang you and you told her to go on home.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 09/10/2017 11:32

I get how upset she must have been. I had severe acne as a teen as well. However, school really can't have kids walking out for reasons of their choosing, so I wouldn't argue with their chosen punishment IF this is standard for leaving school premises.

You can let it stand, while still offering her lots of support and understanding. And use the meeting to ensure that she (like all other students) has somewhere safe and supportive to go to within school if she's ever distressed and upset.

RainbowTortoise · 09/10/2017 11:32

I would have wanted my daughter to do exactly that. She did the right thing by phoning you and you did the right thing by letting the school know. I'm not sure exactly what she's being punished for, she had a very valid reason and the school were informed. You are doing all the right things by having the next steps in place. I hope it clears up quickly and the new medication helps.

DorothyHarris · 09/10/2017 11:33

Will there be any repercussions to the girls who were laughing and pointing. Fwiw I probably would do the same. I hope she's ok OK poor girl.Flowers

Twinkletowedelephant · 09/10/2017 11:33

She shouldn't have walked out of school without telling anyone although I totally understand why she did.

She will have to do the detention and report card it's not for long.

My sister had horrendous cystic acne and was on rocatane , it cleared up in 3 months and she never had a break out since 20yrs later.

Girls can be horrendous - if anything like that happens again I would suggest she go to medical room with severe headache.... Then you can collect - she can walk home.

The main issue is she just left, I don't think you can argue against that as she was 'missing'

I hope he treatment works for her - it really was life changing for my sister.

Pengggwn · 09/10/2017 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Armadillostoes · 09/10/2017 11:34

YANBU-this is an out of character reaction to what must have been devastating for a teenager.

Onenight0nly · 09/10/2017 11:34

I feel so sorry for her.
I hope she can get treatment quickly.
I think I would on this occasion say she wasn't doing the detentions. I would take her to the meeting with me and agree a process with the school for future.

I think they are technically right but fuckit, I couldn't kick her while she was down like this.

Sirzy · 09/10/2017 11:34

The problem is most young people would have an “excuse” for why they bunked off. I am not saying I can’t undetstand why she did it but if School start having different rules depending on the excuse then it just gets complicated.

Get proper plans and support in place for future and make sure she knows not to leave School in future

Tripilates · 09/10/2017 11:34

Your daughter was wrong to walk out of school, however the school have also reacted inappropriately IMO. I would request a meeting with the Year head and student support (school nurse or whoever is in charge of pastoral care). Your daughter needs to know there is plan in place with someone and somewhere she can go to to get some privacy and help with managing the situation if it arises again. If I was the year head I would also want to know who the girls were who made fun of her and be having a talk with them. Hope your daughter gets some effective treatment soon.

Madbum · 09/10/2017 11:34

YANBU, what has happened with the girls who were cruel to her? It’s not fair that she’s being punished severely for her reaction to their behaviour.

DesignedForLife · 09/10/2017 11:35

I dunno, I think 6 or one half a dozen of the other. She can't just walk out of school and vanish without telling anyone there, surely her friends would have been worried? However I think the school needs to do more to support her and deal with the bullying behaviour.

TaggieRR · 09/10/2017 11:36

^^ I agree what will school do in relation the bullying behaviour of the girls.

stitchglitched · 09/10/2017 11:37

She left the school in a distressed state after being bullied and immediately called her parent. That isn't the same as bunking off for fun and the school ought to be able to use their discretion a bit. I hope the bullies are being punished.

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