DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

I had appallingly bad acne at school and was miserable. I went on sunbeds to help clear it up. It was the late 90s.... I’m not suggesting she does that but is there any sort of safe light treatment available?

Have you looked at YouTube? They have some amazing tutorials for covering up all sorts with things like clay primers and layered foundations. I get that it’s quite expensive but if she feels she can do something about it then she might feel more confident. Huda Beauty is an Instagram make-up account my Dd is obsessed with.

yanbu at all my heart goes out to your poor daughter. she must have been so upset.

equally yabu if everyone left school because their make-up had come off, learning outcomes would be terrible.

sorry for not being any help xxx

Speak to her Head of Year and explain the situation. As PPs have said, the problem here is bullying and it needs to be addressed. However, your DD wandering out of school is quite a severe safeguarding issue - I would maybe let her do the detentions so this sinks in. As someone who was permanently on detention myself at school, it's really not that bad

I had cystic acne when I was younger so I understand the condition. She should not have walked out of school and deserved to be punished for that - if this is the punishment they give kids for bunking off then she needs to accept that.

Why did she miss all her afternoon lessons - do you live quite far away?

YANBU

I agree with rockshandy post.

I'd 100% back your dd on this. It must be bloody awful for her

Just wanted to echo the hugs for your poor dd.

Go to the meeting and say what you want them to provide for your dd. That she has a safe place to go if needs to reapply or of she feels stressed.

The girls who bullied her need sorting out.

In essence I wouldn’t focus on the punishment because it’s very short term and the bigger picture is the school now will become more aware of her needs and you can work together to provide better care for her going forwards.

Hope the treatment works what a horrible time for her

My son had the same problem, in some ways worse for boys as make up is less likely, I know they could wear it if they wanted but a choice between getting stick for the acne or the make up.

Getting roaccutane can take a while, it took well over a year in son's case. Have you got anything on prescription until the roaccutane gets sorted out? My son had topical antibiotics which helped and then oral antibiotics for months. The roaccutane was very effective but it isn't easy. My son had a second flare up a couple of years later, not as bad as the first, but he had roaccutane again and never had any more trouble.

If you can afford it it is worth seeing the specialist privately, we paid for one consultation and he then authorised GP to give prescriptions for the roaccutane. I don't know if it has changed but ten years ago you had to have the original prescription from the specialist.

Good luck and sorry I'm not sure about your original question, I don't think she should be punished for being upset but then I can see it could be dangerous if she just thinks it is OK to walk out. The main thing is to get the acne sorted.

Having just looked at cystic acne, I wouldn’t blame her. I would blame the school for not protecting her from bullying

YANBU, but the school isn't being unreasonable either. She did the wrong thing, for the very understandable reasons. They have to punish her, but at the same time, by doing so they are making it less likely that she will approach them when she has a bullying problem, or any problem again. I think you need to speak to the headteacher and say that you understand the need for a punishment of some kind, but that they have to make it clear that they understood why she did what she did. Does that make sense?

It is different though - I bunked off a lot but what OP's daughter did was call home immediately, and OP called the school straight after - OP's daughter didn't just go AWOL, she notified relevant adults.

I think you need to go in and work out a plan with them - treat what happened as water under the bridge, and work through with them what should happen next time - don't let the meeting dwell on the previous behaviour, but take control and use the time to get what your daughter needs instead.

OH meant to add it’s very difficult for a school trying to build up attendance to allow one child to walk out unpunished and another to be punished. Lots of teens get upset at school for many reasons and you can’t just accept some and not others or there would be a discipline breakdown and quite rightly the kids would see some being let off as unfair or favouritism.

Focus on the bigger picture

She didn't just bunk off - she rang her mother who immediately rang the school.
If this had happened to my child I would have TOLD her to come home. And complained to the school about bullying.

But, hey, my dc were at school before the days of Ofsted and safeguarding of teenagers...

I'd be writing a letter stating that DD will not be attending detentions and that you woll discuss the situation in the meeting. This has been blown out of proportion by them. They must look at the girls who were bullying your dd too (please make sure you gen up on the school bullying policy).

I would not tolerate this from the school in a million years, and it is worlds apart from a child truanting.

don't worry too much about the detentions, they are either fun if your friends are in detention too, useful because you get your homework done before you get home, or if they are boring you can just put your head on the desk and have a cheeky nap.

Your poor daughter :( I had severe acne throughout my teens and I am actually feeling a bit tearful for her just thinking about how she must have felt. The school needs to show some compassion here, and the girls who made her feel like that need to be pulled up on it hard and fast. I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest to challenge her punishment. I hope she's OK at school today, bless her

Are the girls that were bullying her being punished too? Yes, shouldn't have walked out of school but given that you phoned them right away to let them know I feel like that shouldn't be an issue. I would straight up tell them she isn't doing the detention, they can't enforce that. I'd be okay with the report card since she usually attends all her lessons anyway. Definitely discuss a safe place within school that she go to if she's ever upset and distressed again, discuss the bullying, and discuss the impact all of this is having on your daughter. Poor girl, I hope she gets a good outcome from the treatment.

I disagree with her leaving, and I also think that she should be punished. Students have gone through school for years (even generations) with crap skin, and you don't get to just walk out and expect to not be subject to the school rules because you don't want people to see your skin.

I went to a very religious, and very strict, all-girls Catholic school back in the early 90's with a strict 'no makeup' rule, and my mother introduced me to tinted moisturiser early on in my years of having awful skin. It wasn't perfect, but it was enough to make me feel better about showing my face. I didn't get to walk out of school because I didn't want anyone to see me.

In your circumstances I would support your DD, but not contest the punishment. She did truant and that should be punished. Work with the school to teach your DD what to do if something like this happens again - maybe going to pastoral team.

On another note, I would talk to the NHS about whether she could be referred to a session for cover make up - sessions are usually for people with scars/burns. If not, maybe see if you can pay privately. This is not normal make up and shouldnt wash off with the rain. It is specialist make up and maybe more suitable for your DD?

don't worry too much about the detentions, they are either fun if your friends are in detention too, useful because you get your homework done before you get home, or if they are boring you can just put your head on the desk and have a cheeky nap.

We had to write out the school rules over and over again in our detentions - so neither fun, useful or time for a nap.

You have said that you are getting treatment? Gp and/or dermatologist are the important things here. Definitely arrange a meeting with school to discuss. I feel that she should just suck up the detention, pupils really can't just walk out of school like that. Where there no friends that could have helped her? (Good luck anyway)

If this had happened to my child I would have TOLD her to come home.

Do you always allow your child to come home because they don't have makeup with them?

If you become unwell during school you leave and go home, and this is really not that much different imo. She called you straight away and the school need to use their discretion in this case.

How will punishment help? It's not like she's planning for the same thing to happen again, is she? Even without punishment, she and you will do everything possible to avoid it and the school must know this.

MidniteScribbler, wtf?! She didn't forget to put her false fucking eyelashes on that morning.