DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

Itsbetterthanabox bunking is bunking no it's not and the head clearly agrees.

My husband had cystic acne as a teen. He couldn't cover it. So just let everyone suffer as in the old days as though we don't know any better. Good plan.

She should have spoken to the teachers about it. And if she felt she could have, she would have. Her not feeling safe to do so says something about the school imo.

Although I might have negotiated down from three to one detention, ultimately accepting two. Though thinking about it If I said she should go home rather than return, surely I'm more at fault. So detention for walking out. Not for staying out. But it's all settled now.

It's got to be punished. Not having makeup on (is she allowed makeup anyway?) isn't a reason to be allowed to skip school.
If this is such an issue for her she needs to carry makeup to reapply with her to school
Thankfully the Head isnt such a bastard that he would stop her camouflaging cystic acne (photo attached) regardless of the school make up policy. I'm sure dd's school would be the same.

I do agree that the detentions about safeguarding might help DD learn something - e.g., that adults in positions of authority often enjoying a little victim blaming and that bullies usually get away with it.

StaplesCorner, I do think that the bullies need dealing with in the form of a severe punishment- I said that in my previous post.

The OP seems to feel positive with the outcome of the meeting with the headteacher and it is up to her if she is happy for her daughter to be punished for walking out of school.

I think the outcome is fine, although how they're dealing with the bullies should be more severe.

e.g., that adults in positions of authority often enjoying a little victim blaming and that bullies usually get away with it.

Dealing with the safeguarding issue and tackling the bullying are SEPARATE issues.

But you know what it's fine. Let's just accept that students can go wherever they like if they have a tough time. It's just fine. They don't need educating about safeguarding. We'll just hope nothing serious happens to them.

Telling a child about safeguarding is NOT victim blaming at all. Some people just lovr a good 'schools hate children and abuse authority' rant.

The school ARE dealing with the bullying.

That sort if rubbush echoes what I have had from a parent this week. Apparnetly, going to hang out in the toilets instead of class isn't truanting and school are out of order for saying it's a safeguarding issue.

YABU. If she was distressed she should have gone to a sympathetic member of staff - the school nurse, her tutor, the school secretary - anyone. Walking out was not the right thing to do and I don't blame the school for punishing her. Rain is a natural phenomenon and will happen. I suggest you put some cover up in her bag in future so she can reapply it if it comes off during the day.

Sorry you've had a stressful time @Maisypops Let us know why the girl was in the toilets and how many detentions she got and we can let you know whether YABU.
I think people like having a good old discussion on AIBU, but personally I've always been supportive of the dc's schools and am definitely not that THAT parent, so often mentioned on mumsnet. Have a good weekend.

Apparnetly, going to hang out in the toilets instead of class isn't truanting and school are out of order for saying it's a safeguarding issue. why is this relevant? Had the pupil gone to the toilets because he or she was terribly distressed after bullying? Or were they just being silly? And do you not recognise that the two are completely different things?

I am glad that the OP and her DD are ok and of course if she's happy to let it lie that's good for that family. But the OP didn't say how the school ARE dealing with the bullying, and I bet it doesn't involve 3 detentions and research into bullying.

malaco
Didn't feel like being the last one in.
One detention.
I was apparnetly a terrible individual and home have absolutely had enough of being told their child is breaking the rules when it doesn't matter.

I think my original take on thr OP was pretty reasonable.

1. Truanting is a safeguarding issue and shpuld be dealt with
2. The bullying is disgusting and needs dealing with severely
3. School should look at having a space for students to go in this type of situation or a trusted teacher.

I would have gone further than the head on the bullying but think they were right to sanction truanting.

But the OP didn't say how the school ARE dealing with the bullying, and I bet it doesn't involve 3 detentions and research into bullying.
Assuming the school is similar to mine (we would have issued a detention for truanting, not 3) then our punnishment for bullying like that would be isolation, loss of freedom at break/lunches and a parental meeting with a member of SLT.

My point about the parent denying it is a safeguarding is that actually that's what some people seem to be disputing on here. Sometimes I find (rven with anxious students) that them understanding safeguarding helps them process a better response next time.

Hmm. YANBU Maisy.

Buck 3t
I'm not old. Me and my husband didn't go to school in the old days. We didn't go that long ago.
It's still bunking.
What do you mean she didn't feel safe telling the teacher? What's unsafe about that?

Malaco.
Lots of schools say no makeup and mean it.
I'm not saying if that's right or wrong just a fact.
Bunking is bunking no matter the reason. Lots of bunking is due to tiffs with other kids. It doesn't make it not bunking. That's not how you deal with issues.

Shes got to write an essay on safeguarding issues?

It should be one on the insidious nature of victim blaming.

helena
Pointing out to a student that their actions are a safeguarding issue is NOT victim blaming.

Victim blaming is (surprisingly!) saying a victim is to blame for being bullied.

Why a decent number of people on this thread can't grasp this basic fact is beyond me.

By all means, don't agree with the school's decision, but don't just make nonsense up.

But the OP didn't say how the school ARE dealing with the bullying,

Firstly a one-off unkind action is ...a one-off unkind action it is NOT bullying.

Secondly thye school should not be sharing with the Op how the others are being dealt with.That is confidential information about other students