DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

Your poor DD, the school has a bullying issue that's plain for all to see.

I would bring it up with the head and point her in the direction of a whole school anti bullying process. Google "Kiva" it's just not good enough to punish her when so much is wrong with the whole situation.

There's a serious risk of students driven to extreme measures as a result of bullying and I would demand a meeting with the head to make sure that your DD is safe in school.

I had cystic acne and back acne in school, but no one ever laughed at me because of it. I wouldn't have been able to go to school if they had laughed at me. I went on the pill (Cilest) in my 20s and it sorted it out, but I wished I had gone on it earlier. Sorted my emotional moods out too.

I do hope that your DD reacts positively towards her roccutaine and that she had close psychological/ psychiatric care as part of the protocol, as she seems to be a sensitive soul, bless her.
I'd have her in a private counselling programme also, learning skills: how to be resilient, etc. CBT type might help her find her way through.

I'm afraid new heads are always looking for examples to show how tough they are, and she will be sacrificed on the Head's altar of "here's how tough I am on bunking off" and have to do her detentions, but I would demand greater anti bullying measures, and a better pastoral care response. Remind them it's on them if anything happens to your beautiful DD at school.

I hope everything works out. Do tell her that it might seem huge now, but having acne is actually something a lot of people go through and she's not alone.

I'm wondering if it might be an idea to take a photo of your dd without makeup to the meeting. If she normally covers it they might not realise what it's like and dismiss it as a fuss about a few spots.

Yanbu

There is no credit for the fact that having made a poor decision she took steps to make sure the school knew where she was.

And I bet nothing has happened to the bullies

I should add, the school should be doing something about the bullying girls too!

I'm wondering if it might be an idea to take a photo of your dd without makeup to the meeting. If she normally covers it they might not realise what it's like and dismiss it as a fuss about a few spots.

That's a good idea Pale.

Get her to the doctor. I was plagued by cystic acne and still have scars. The only thing that worked was roaccutane after years of trialling milder antibiotics for it. But that completely got rid of them (she'll have better skin than her friends once roacvutane has sorted it)

Whether School knew where she was or not though it was still unauthorised atewndance/bunking off.

Really there are a number of different issues at play here. On her response although understandable it was wrong and being punished is right. Don’t focus on that though focus on the support that is needed moving forward.

Those mentioning that she might not be allowed to wear makeup. They aren't at dd's school either, but I'm pretty sure they'd let kids camouflage severe red acne as they are reasonable, decent people. In the same way they aren't allowed to.wear hats but a boy with hair loss in dd's school is allowed to wear one.

I feel so sorry for her - I am glad you suggested we google cystic acne because until I did I had no idea, and I was a secondary teacher for more than 25 years. I did see pupils with very bad acne but don't know if it was cystic acne or not. My own son had bad acne and we did get him some medication for it, but as we just went to the GP and got it, it can't have been cystic acne.

The thing is I can see how, taken out of context, your poor daughter's situation could be twisted to make her look like a snowflake - mostly by other kids who do just bunk off and don't want to do the detentions and report. "She went home because she didn't have any makeup with her" "she went home because she fell out with her friends - and she didn't get detention" etc.

YY to a pp who suggested a safe place/person for her to go to if these sorts of things happen - you could discuss this at your meeting. As for the detentions, well, as a teacher and as a parent, if this was my own child, my advice would be to just do the detentions but see if the report card could either be waived all together or at least only for a very few days. This will stop any unpleasant remarks from other pupils about her being treated differently/teacher's pet as well as a twisted version of her story being given to parents who will then ring the school and complain when their own truanting kids are put in detention/on report.

And before I get jumped on, yes I do think the bullying kids should be brought to task and they shouldn't get away with it, but what the school will say is that your dd should have gone to a trusted member of staff or should have phoned you, or got them to phone you and done this the official way following procedures - I would imagine that is the reason they have given her detention.

Safeguarding is a good thing really - but in these cases it makes things very difficult. I remember walking out of school myself when I had horrible period pains and a head teacher who insisted it was all in my mind. There were no comebacks for me in those days (the 60s) as my mother just wrote me a note instructing that I should be allowed home in future if I started to menstruate at school.

Your poor DD.

Over-reaction by the school I think. They have to take the context into account:

• she was being bullied
• she has no previous record of misbehaviour
• she made sure the school would be informed via her Mum

They should be examining the bullying culture, not punishing the victim.

I have very bad acne at that age-I never bunked off school-I never tried to hide behind make up, the make up is just making it worse. Go take her to a doctor for sone antibiotics and then get some proper skincare products-beauty pie is quite cheap and has sone products which are great for acne (fruitizyme five minute facial really helped me).

YANBU your poor daughter. No she shouldn't have walked out but she did the sensible thing and called you. Her absence was reported straight away. School are being heavy handed for a first time offence and pretty uncaring really.

I agree with pale photo post

I hate to say "back in my day" but honestly we were not allowed to wear even the tiniest hint of make up. She is lucky she can cover her acne.

Same here, but some girls did have special permission to wear makeup, they got a letter from the head agreeing exactly what, and it was for just this reason - if they had a severe skin condition that was causing distress. I think they had to have medical evidence, e.g. a referral. (I never did get permission, actually, I just wore very discreet make up but all the time so it was never too obvious!! But then it's amazing what good girls can get away with, rules-wise.)

I had cystic acne in my 20s and it was psychologically very difficult to live with. I carried make up with me everywhere and obsessively checked it was in place. If this had happened to me I would have done the same to hang on to the shred of dignity and self image I had left and dealt with whatever the consequences were of that action.

So I think she does need to try to brazen the acne out as much as possible (nice hair and a big smile are good detractors) but also accept that what she did was wrong, although I understand it, and as such she has to do the detentions. She has measures in place now to prevent it happenening again so lesson learned.

I had good results on the pill dianette although I know it's controversial and a fellow sufferer cleared hers up with roaccutane but again the side effects and risks of that are not to be taken lightly!

What tripilates said

YANBU... The school has a duty of care towards your daughter. She needs to feel safe at school and she didn't.
She didn't just walk out, she was a distressed teen who rang her parent who informed the school immediately. She didn't know what to do in the situation and didn't feel she could ask for help at school - that is something they need to address, before they start doling out punishments.

Schools can be VERY VERY clumsy dealing with bullying so before you jump in, The school and your local ed authorities websites should have a policy is on bullying. Have they followed it? A letter to the governors might help.
Some authorities have groups that help advocate on parent's behalf. They might have some helpful suggestions for the best way that the school can support your daughter. There are some anti bullying organisations you can google for suggestions for both you and your daughter on how to deal with the bullying. Hope she gets the medical help she needs, poor girl x

Poor kid. There should be some common sense used here by the school. Walking out isn’t ideal but I can totally understand why she went. Would any of you stay in the office if something happened to totally humiliate you? Or would you make your excuses and leave?

Schools are so draconian about absence now, they've all gone mad. We've just been told we need 'medical evidence' for anything more than one day sick. They haven't yet elaborated on what medical evidence should be - doctor's note I assume.

YANBU, and I think for the sake of her well being you can fight her corner on this. I don't know if you'll get anywhere but...

In the future, please do suggest that she can bring the make up into school, and so please look into treatments if you haven't done so already. Roaccutane worked incredible wonders for my Ds's severe cystic acne.

I think the school do need to address the issue that she just walked out of school as anything could have happened. They need to address the issue of the bullying and I hope they have come down harder on the other girls than on your DD. The meeting is a good idea because you can go in and discuss pastoral care and future provisions for her if this happens again.

Poor girl. I think she has to suck up the punishment, but I also think she needs lots of support and understanding from you and I hope that you explaining things to the school may make things better for her. I wouldn't challenge the punishment, but I would hope that the school may offer to step it down a bit once you have explained it all.

She can't just walk out of school, it's a serious safeguarding risk

They knew where she was.

My 16 year old son is in acne hell. We've been taking him back and fore to the doctors all year trying to get him some help and nothing has touched it so far. The latest treatment is bleaching my towels so god knows what it's doing to his poor skin.

However, walking out of school is not on. I don't think three, one hour detentions is unreasonable.

They are responsible for her during the school day.

Dear me. Your poor daughter. I too had terrible acne at school (and now 20 years later) and our school had a strict no make up whatsoever policy. I used a medicated concealer to try and lessen the redness of my spots and was once pulled aside by a complete bitch of a teacher who didn't like me (despite me being a well liked pupil, Quiet, studious, top sets across the board and always wore full and correct uniform.) The teacher pulled me under a light, looked at my face and told me to go wash it. I went to the bathrooms and wiped as much of the visible concealer off as I could without exposing the spots. She stopped me on the way out then made me go and get baby oil from another classroom (cue walk of shame interrupting another class) and wipe it off with that using the hard paper towels. By the time I was done my face was covered in grease and inflamed bright red and white acne. She then told me to go to my class (which was now 10 minutes in). No way was I doing that walk of shame.

I walked directly to my locker, took my bag out and went straight out of the door beside it and straight home in tears.
The Head of year came out later and spoke to my mum who asked her, Would she, as an adult, allow herself to be forced to walk around with huge, clearly visible, bright red pustules on her face without any effort to cover it? The HOY was far more understanding.
My mother explained that as long as I didn't wear make up as such, only concealer, then the school should be reasonable.

I wasn't punished.

If your school allows make up then I would advise your daughter to invest in a magic minerals type compact foundation so she can touch up her face in school. It lessens redness and doesn't look like a full plastered on face of contoured makeup. It'll do her til she gets home.