DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

YANBU. My daughter had an abrupt onset of cystic acne in February and wears Clinique's anti-blemish liquid solutions foundation. After 5 months of Lymocycline tablets and Zineryt lotion her skin has finally settled down, and the scars are fading, thanks to some sun over the summer. Last week we even discussed moving to a lighter foundation. But she honestly could not have got through the last 8 months without her foundation. She would have fallen apart. I'm a GP and I would have happily written doctor's letters all over the place if I had seen any teenager with that skin having trouble at school. The psychological impact at such a vulnerable age is huge. Photos for the GP/Dermatologists are good, and you can track the progress of treatment. Hope you get it sorted Overbearing.

I just googled. Fuck! Poor girl. The school's being draconian over this.

A slight aside but it might worth looking at Veil concealer for your DD. It is designed to cover scars, rosacea and other noticeable skin blemishes and gives light but excellent cover AND it stays put. It might help your daughter's confidence.

Our local chemist sells it but I am sure you can also get it online.

dos the school/head already know about the problem

did u actually say it was because of bullying or she was just upset

go to the meeting and explain why u think she shouldnt be punished maybe thyre not aware of her skin problems and how she feels

I think the school are in the wrong. A bit of compassion wouldn't go a miss. Having acne can really affect your confidence and mental health. Although going home is against the rules, I can understand why your dd did it.

I would also take your daughter to see a dermatologist some gps are trained in dermatology specifically, Ring up your drs and see if any of the drs in your surgery are trained in that particular area. General Drs can be useless with treatments for acne seeing someone who is actually trained in that field can provide the best possible treatment, I saw a dermatologist after years of gps giving me the same useless stuff for treatment of my spots after taking antibiotics from the dermatologist they completely cleared within a month or two. Also look at getting her make up that is more natural some make up contains stuff that give you spots. Try mineral make up from holland and barrett. Thats if you havent tried any of those things already, I have sympathy for your daughter I hope they clear up quickly.
I also think children should always be careful who they ridicule over their skin, I will never forget a boy that used to be nasty to me about my spots at secondary school, A few months later his skin broke out worse than mine, his whole face covered in them. He never said another word to me about my skin again after that.

And also, I hate the way that acne is trivialised and brushed off as "normal", "they'll grow out of it", "it's all part of being young" etc... but yet society judges us on our looks!

Even as an adult people get acne, so it isn't always something that goes with time. I have it and it causes me a lot of confidence issues. Thankfully it's not cystic but it's moderate and noticeable. I told a family member recently that I am going getting treatment done for it, and their response was that it's a waste of money and that acne is a "sign of youth". But I don't want to spend my youth looking like this and feeling miserable. If I leave it and if it ever does go I'll then have wrinkles to deal with!

My heart goes out to your daughter. It must have been horrible for her. The punishment should absolutely be focused on the bullies. And it was a failing of the school that your DD felt she had no option but to go home. There should have been a nice place for her to go to, or person to speak to about what she could do once her makeup came off.
I think you need to go into the meeting with this in mind - that the school need to work on providing better solutions - but probably also showing you understand that they can't have people leaving school.
I'm not sure about contesting the punishments, although the report card seems particularly over the top. Maybe see what your DD would you like you to do here.

Thekidsaretakingmysanity post showed what a good compassionate HoY should do. What a complete sadistic c*nt that teacher was!

Totally on the fence here. I think she shouldn't have walked out of school, and can see there needs to be a punishment for that. But perhaps for a student who had never previously had an issue, a pastoral chat and a 'do one detention to make up the time, but if you do this again the consequence will be far more serious' might have been more appropriate.

Your daughter should not have walked out, however, before I allowed her to be in detention (which you can refuse I believe?) you should immediately be asking as to why the bullying was not handled (if the school knew) or whether they would reconsider the punishment if they were not aware of the bullying, that you are now explaining as the reason she left

I hate to say "back in my day" but honestly we were not allowed to wear even the tiniest hint of make up. She is lucky she can cover her acne

Lucky? Hardly lucky to have cystic acne - we're not talking a few minor spots here. Back in my day, we weren't allowed to wear make-up either - hell, children were still beaten at school - but I'd hoped schools were more humane these days.

This girl left the school grounds because of bullying. That's the issue. Her mother reported her whereabouts to the school almost immediately. The school, instead of dealing with the bullies and showing a bit of compassion, punished the girl who was bullied. In what universe is that fair?

Your poor girl, OP.

She shouldn't have bunked off, but i think the punishment, is much too much!!
I had severe acne ( all through adult life too) so i know how she feels!
It only got better after changing my skin routine. (Tried skin tablets, contraceptive, lotions, creams you name it i'd tried it!)
I think they need to rethink their punishment.
One detention for leaving without letting the school know.
Can she not take her makeup with her?

yabu. She walked out of school because she hadn't brought her make up bag with her (why not is the question no one has asked, if she needs it so badly she can't be in school without it?).

I had severe acne at that age, and a total ban on makeup. I didn't get to stay home everyday.

Your poor dd. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and if you are waiting for roaccutane you are already under dermatology. Do you have a sympathetic gp ? Like a pp I am a gp and would have absolutely no qualms about writing to school to say dd is wearing make up for medical reasons and is psychologically affected by her current condition to hopefully lessen the punishment and allow her access to support services should this ever happen again. Also agree i would want to know the girls laughing were spoken with.

And makeup was banned in my school, i had strict parents yet they allowed me to wear foundation.
If it doesnt look unnatural i don't see the problem.
Its more harmful if the girl is too depressed to go into school because of her skin.
to your dd.
It will get better.
When she leaves school, people don't care about your skin x

Your poor daughter.

I think that the punishment is far too harsh. It doesn't take into account her distressed state of mind and the fact that she was being laughed at and basically bullied. I hope that a meeting with the school will get the message across that she wasn't bunking off.

I had cystic acne from age 14 and it really was a horrific experience. I still have a lot of scarring and wear covering makeup daily now (I'm 43).

You've probably tried lots of treatments for her, but the only thing that has worked for me (and God, I wish I'd discovered it when I was 14) is Sudocrem used as an overnight face mask. It really calmed it down and took the anger out of the acne if you know what I mean.

Wishing her all the best. It is such a horrible affliction at a particularly vulnerable age.

Take her to a dermatologist and save her mental health. Poor girl, it's a ghastly condition.

I would want my child in a school that knows the individual well enough to know when to bend the rules. This was a child who was acutely distressed, and who phoned her mother and alerted the school that way - a far cry from bunking off school to go round the shops. YANBU. Half an hour spent with her tutor or HoY talking about how to handle a similar situation if it crops up would be much more sensible than a series of detentions, especially for a child who has never been in trouble. Your poor girl - I hope she's feeling better now.

From someone who also suffers from acne (although massively under control atm due to medication), my heart really breaks for your daughter OP. I think it's hard for people who've never experienced acne to understand how much it can affect confidence and self-esteem. I'm mid-20's, and there's times when I've caught sight of my face at work (during a bad break out) and have struggled to hold back the tears. All the more distressing for your daughter if people are making nasty comments on it. I can fully understand why she would walk out.

I think as it's a one-off and you've put in place factors to prevent it happening again, the punishment from school is unnecessary. Being a teenager is hard, and things like acne make it much harder. Glad to hear she's going to be on treatment soon, there's lots of different medication out there so please reassure her that even if the first one she tries doesn't work, another will.

I can totally understand that your DD felt overwhelmed and vulnerable considering the situation but she can't just walk out of school with no consequences!
If there had been a fire, people would have risked their lives looking for her! School's are held very accountable to safeguarding and anything could have happened to her.
She really should have gone to student welfare - or whatever it's called in your school - and sought refuge with a member of staff. They could have then called you and taken it from them.
Imagine if all the other kids just wandered out when they felt vulnerable. It's just not acceptable.
I'd also be quite worried that the school's security system wasn't robust enough.
Having said all that, I think the school's punishment is too harsh with all those detentions and report but I'm guessing they're following a policy.
Speak to the school and explain the situation (have you not spoken to them before?) but also speak to your DD about speaking to someone at school who can help her.

Just wanted to put my two pence in and say YANBU.

Your daughter handled herself well in my opinion, she got herself out of the situation and called you. Maybe if she hadn't called you or had tried to hide that she had left the school that would be one thing. We aren't talking about a 5 year old, but a 14 year old who I assume probably makes her own way to and from school.

I would agree to a meeting, but there is no way I would personally allow for the detentions etc that the school are wanting. IMHO and personal experience this has the potential to become a mental health issue. It needs handling with care and sensitivity, not being brushed under the carpet with punishments.

First. She can’t just walk out of school but she does need somewhere safe to go and an adult to make a reasonable decision whether to go home or not so a pastoral care contact. Most schools have a respite area, often with names like the Zone or the space. She needs somewhere like this to go if ever she is in this situation again.

The bullying needs to be dealt with so discuss this with the school and ensure the school realise she was bullied.

Last go to your gp and get a referral to a dermatologist. Roaccutane is very effective. It’s nor without side effects and this is why it’s prescribed by a specialist but it sounds as if your dd could be a candidate for it

Poor girl I would have done the same, though really she should have gone to the office and gone home "sick". Regardless of reason she still needs to be punished for leaving school premesis eithout permission although one detention would habe sufficed. The report book is a joke. What make up is she using? Theres a range in boots for acne called dermablend thats quiet good. Hope she feels better now.

Roaccutane changed my dd's life this year. They gave her a 4 month course- her skin was clear after 3 weeks and she stopped taking the tablets. It's still clear. We should have done it years ago.