DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

YABU OP as every child who walks out of school will have a different reason, all equally valid to them. Walking out was not her only option

The school needs to be consistent in its treatment of walking out

I would let her do her detentions and move on

I do sympathise though and I do hope she gets her Roaccutane sorted out quickly

She shouldn't have walked out. A major safeguarding issue. I would expect the school to allow her to call you. Take whatever she needed into school and allow her to sit somewhere quietly whilst she waited.
Kids get really very upset over all kinds of stuff. Doesn't mean they can just walk out of school.

You can't just bolt from school if another pupil is rude to you.

The punishment should first be aimed at the horrid little teen who went for DD. But that's not your problem, although an apology would be useful. DD should tick the boxes by doing the detentions.

I always think dealing with life's bastards without breaking sweat is a really useful skill, so you might both engage in researching resilience techniques. Long term, coping with twats better will be in your DD's best interests.

Oh, your poor DD. I agree with you that this punishment is harsh, given it is so out of character and due to her being distressed, not just bunking off.

I would object to this, and also explain you have a plan in case it happens in future. Poor girl, glad you are looking into treatment and hope it goes well.

Do you always allow your child to come home because they don't have makeup with them?

If she wanted to yes, if her face was scarred and it was causing her so much distress she wouldn't be able to concentrate - then yes.

You can't just bolt from school if another pupil is rude to you

It wouldn't have been just that though. Her dd would have felt incredibly self conscious, vulnerable and anxious .

I'd want to know about safety and security at the school. If your DD can just walk out, does that mean anyone can just walk in. At DD's school a member of staff in student reception had to release the door before they could leave having checked a permission slip issued by HOY or an internal phone call from a member of staff if it was emergency permission.

If she's normally well behaved, does her work, doesn't mess around, this does seem to be severe - maybe a detention but with support in place if she needs it in school, ie knowing she can talk to HOY, a teacher, support worker.

Very difficult situation but I'd give the school the benefit of the doubt and go to the meeting on the assumption that they will give you a fair hearing and reconsider.

I don't have any direct exeperience of acne but have nothing but bad things about Roaccutane, I would be extremely wary of allowing my DC to take it

Oh poor thing. It sounds like they need to tell her somewhere she can go that feels safe in case anything similar happens. I suppose ideally she would have gone and found someone in the school to speak to rather than walk out but it sounds like she was too upset to think straight. I'm not sure what to say about the report and detentions. I know they don't want people walking out and have to deter people from doing that if they get upset but i can see why she did it. Difficult one

I think the school is so wrong to punish your daughter for this. She did not leave without telling anyone. She told you (the person she trusted to support her), and you relayed the information to school. She didn't feel sure that if she told someone at school they would understand and help (based on their reaction she was right).

OP, has she been referred to a dermatologist? Things are better than they used to be, and kids no longer have to suffer with bad acne. I would talk to her GP, tell him this is affecting her mental health, and get an urgent referral. Several kids I know have been completely cured by Roaccutane. I think you can be very determined if her GP seems inclined to downplay the importance of this. You can also go privately, if you can afford it.

She can't just walk out of school because she feels like it. I agree with the schools punishment. I say that as someone who had awful skin in my teens. We weren't allowed any make up and were told to wash it off if we were caught with any on.

@MidniteScribbler "I disagree with her leaving, and I also think that she should be punished. Students have gone through school for years (even generations) with crap skin, and you don't get to just walk out and expect to not be subject to the school rules because you don't want people to see your skin."

I actually agree with this ^ even though it may be harsh to accept. It would worry me about whether your DD was learning resilience and coping with her difficulties. It's good that you and she have now got plans for how to deal with similar / possible situations in the future.

School could be sympathetic and agree that she was made vulnerable, other girls were making fun of her therefore she felt unable to cope - but at the end of the day she truanted, so she should be punished for that.

The degree of punishment could be discussed with school during your meeting. Especially given the circumstances and the fact that it's her "first offence".

She can't just walk out of school because she feels like it

Not really what happened though - she didn't just 'feel like it'. She was being bullied and was distressed. I'm sure she would have preferred that not to happen.

At the risk of stating the obvious, everyone feels vulnerable, anxious and self-conscious if they've been insulted. I understand DD must have been dying inside, but not coping escalates those feelings. And if her emotional condition is the key factor here, she's much better off learning to manage it to her own advantage.

She walked out as she was being bullied. The school should have addressed this, not be punishing the victim. I'd be so angry in your case, OP, and would not be supporting the draconian punishments. I'd request that the punishments be cancelled or I'd seriously think about moving schools. Sounds very badly managed.

She left the school because she was deeply distressed and didn't have anyone she felt able to turn to for support. Punishing her for leaving won't solve either of those problems.

The school needs to deal with the behaviour of her peers and make sure that, if she gets that distressed again, she has someone she feels able to turn to within school who will help and support her so she doesn't feel the need to go home.

A punishment is very unlikely to do anything but make her feel even worse. It won't change her behaviour in the future because what she did was an act of desperation and threats of sanctions don't feature in the decision-making processes of desperate, distressed teenagers.

If she had skipped school to go shopping with her mates, that would be a different matter.

The most important thing is that she gets the support required to make sure she never feels the need to leave during the school day again.

It's important to back up school behaviour policies when they make sense. This one doesn't and those detentions are likely to make matters worse, not better.

I have bolted from school in my time, and even my old fashioned strict grammar school was less harsh than this - measures were put in place to sort out the problem and nothing else was ever said on the matter (having said that, the teacher that was the cause should have had some consequences, but hey ho - different era)

Anyway, go up to school and fight your DD's corner.

She shouldn't have walked out-I would go with the detentions but the rest seems excessive.

Has she been into school since?

If so, was she bullied again?

Am I the only person who is wondering how it was even possible for DD to walk out of school? DC's school is quite "locked down" during the day - to get out the DC have to walk past a staff member and be signed out.

My DD has vitiligo which she is terribly self conscious about, so I am sympathetic to OP's DD's issues. That means we've gone through some "what if" scenarios - one of them being other DC teasing her about her skin. I'd suggest OP does likewise with her DD as just walking out of school was not her best response.

I feel sorry for your DD, I really do - but walking out of school is unacceptable and a safeguarding issue.

If I'd have walked out of school because I was bullied my mum would have dragged me back by my ponytail kicking and screaming. She needs to learn to live with her condition and toughen up a little bit. Is there anything she can do to boost her confidence other than slapping on make up? Is she good at sports, or art, or dance? Something to boost her self-esteem?!

FWIW I went to an all-girls school and know how bitchy girls can be but she has to stand up for herself too.

Your DD walked out of school because she was being bullied, they should support her and punish the bullies.

I would go in to explain what has happened with your dd.
I find it interesting that they dished out the punishment BEFORE knowing the full fact. You had rung saying your dd was distressed. This would have been for numerous reasons (incl being bullied/made fun of)

So have a word and explain

• how your dd was laughed at/bullied and felt very distressed by the comments
• ask what is the school procedure re bullying
• ask what would be the 'correct' procedure if she has issues with her make up or being teased again
• or if she needed to come back in the middle of the day

DONT make it all about the make up (it's not going to go down well at all) but about the way people are reacting around her (which is what made her upset anyway).

• also ask if the punishment is a school wide process, so first truancy=3 days detention for EVERYONE. And if this is, why has not being advertised clearly (as well as what to do if you do need to go back home so it's not taken as truancy)

In this particular case, I would agree that this is not playing truant and therefire shuodnt be treated as such.
But if they have rules, you also have to adhere to them (even if sometimes crazy). However, I have found that often in those cases, there are no set rules and it's often made up as they go along.... So ask for those rules so your dd can cover her back if/when she needs to again.

Um "equally yabu if everyone left school because their make-up had come off, learning outcomes would be terrible."

clearly something interfered with your learning outcomes, talk about winning the prize for missing the point.

OP your DD left school in distress due to a very specific incident, she should be given support, not punishment, I would make the point to the school. Of course she shouldn't have the same punishment as someone who just "bunked off".

I think they are being harsh as this isn't a clear cut case of truanting, She rang you, And you told them she was leaving, I had acne as a teen and it was horrible, I can see how your daughter feels, I would have a word with the school about these punishments. And also about the bullies. This school have their priorties all wrong.

She can't just walk out of school.

I hate to say "back in my day" but honestly we were not allowed to wear even the tiniest hint of make up. She is lucky she can cover her acne.

Maybe in future your daughter could carry a small make up bag, just some concealer, powder and foundation.

She has to take her punishment from the school and realise how much danger she could put herself in by going home just because it suits her.

I'm sorry the other girls were mean to her but that's not enough of a reason to bunk off.

Staying positive, at least she can wear make up, boys just have to suffer the indignity of acne.