DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

I know 2 people who have taken roaccutane and their skin is clear now. But it does take a bit of time. I think she needs to drink lots of water and get a good moisturiser too as apparently it can make skin really dry for a while.

Cystic acne is a recognised medical condition that usually has to be treated quite intensively - it's not "just" teenage acne.
How would the school have reacted if she was being bullied for a different medical condition and had become so distressed that she called you and went home?
When I was a teen a girl in my high school got leukaemia and the treatment caused her hair to fall out, so she wore a baseball cap to school. The (new) headmistress told her to take it off as it wasn't uniform, so the girl explained her situation, but the head insisted . That poor girl ended up taking herself home too, and her parents (quite rightly) gave the headmistress hell for it.
I'd go to the meeting if only to explain that you're not going to go along with any additional punishments. Maybe a record of your GP / dermatologist appointments to demonstrate that it's more than just "regular" acne? A lot of people don't seem to get that difference, and it's an important one.

Your poor dd. I'm not going to say she was or wasn't unreasonable for walking out of school, but I can 110% understand why she did. We've all been self conscious 14 year olds, and I do think a lot of teachers have a tendency to forget that.
Also I hope and trust that when you're at this meeting you're going to ask what punishment those bullying shits will be getting.

Poor girl.
Surely the staff of the school remember what it was like to be 14?
I think the school needs to address the way they respond to bullying and teach children to accept each other.
Perhaps you can suggest an activity like this for her class/year? operationrespect.org/theme-4-celebrating-diversity/lesson-3-cross-line-belong-many-groups/

She should have gone to find support within school, whether that's the pastoral team, her homeroom teacher or the nurse. (The nurse in particular would be well used to students turning up not actually sick, but upset about something that had happened in school) Just leaving school is unacceptable, surely you can see that?

Make up is not great for cystic acne, I'm afraid (I'm a bit of an expert on it having had 25+ years of covering up break outs of various sorts).

Before going down the roaccutane route, has she tried the Pill? And worth exploring a tablet called spironolactone - it's not as well known in the UK, but it's the only thing that has sorted out my cystic acne properly

OK, she shouldn't have left school really, but she was being bullied regarding her appearance and I can totally understand why she did what she did. I had a school friend who had cystic acne and it was very hard for her.

Go to the meeting and plead your DD's case for her. Describe the condition and the treatment being given. Ask whether the bullies have been dealt with and what steps will be taken to give support to your DD in future so that she isn't pushed into this sort of a corner again. See whether or not they will give her the benefit of the doubt and waive the unnecessary punishment this time, on the understanding that she will have her concealer in her bag every day from now on so that she can re-allocated as needed.

Phone ahead if you need to and ask them to hold off until after the meeting when you will have provided them with the full context and agreed future arrangements for her support.

The problem with the punishment is that it will draw attention to her just at a time when she is feeling particularly vulnerable.

I have a DD with some mental health issues which her teachers and Head of Year are aware of. I have occasionally had to plead her corner, though don't want to go into detail on here. Except for one silly member of admin staff who seemed intent on making things worse (but was thankfully stopped from doing so), my DD was supported and helped.

Good luck with your meeting. Calm and collected but firm is the way to go, and I hope you can get things sorted for your DD.

Op
yanbu

I was your daughter at school and did exactly that, walked home, after a similar experience with makeup removal.
It's her mask. And removing that for me was the equivalent of being naked at school. Not tolerable.

The bullies need punished.
Not your daughter.

For what it's worth, push for the roaccutane before the scars set in. My acne calmed down but came back aggressively in early 20's .. unexpected. The cysts could be up to 5cm in size and easily disfiguring.

Roaccutane changed my life.

It's left me very dry skinned, dry hair, occasional painful joints. But I take all that, easily, for a normal life.

Keep an eye out for depression on it, but stick with it. It will be so worth it to prevent the scars which will likely set in if it continues.

I wish your daughter all the best. Nothing you can say will make her feel any better, other than, that there IS light at he end of the tunnel after this treatment and it WILL work.
She can look forward to that.

Get the school sorted out for her. She should not be punished

X

Yep, understandable she left but unfortunately what would have happened if she had not been able to get in touch with you? School would have been panicking. (For instance your phone had no reception/no charge and/or same with your daughters phone).

She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out

The reason why not matters IMHO? Didn't plan, forgot, etc: detention deserved. School said she can't have make up: OP should raise hell.

Adding to the chorus of yanbu

If it were me, I'd write a long letter to the head of pastoral care and arrange a follow up meeting. This would help to explain everything as I often get stressed in meetings and don't express things well, I might tell my DD to go along with detentions for now, but that I'd be speaking to the school.

It's not normal or acceptable for other girls to respond in that way; I hope the school recognize that this was a distressing experience for her and that her response was an emotional one.

She’s lucky not to have been suspended. The school are acting in loco parentis and your DD can’t just leave when some kids are being mean to her.

My dd had cystic acne and Roaccutane was a miracle. She didn't wear foundation, she just fronted it out. It was so bad some days it would make you wince. I had the utmost sympathy for her but would not have been happy had she walked out of school.

The trouble is, that there was a period of time between which she had left school and you hadn't yet phoned them to inform them of her departure. If a fire had occurred during that time, the school would be searched for her, because they would have no idea she had left.

YANBU. This is one instance where you shouldn't support the school.

She should do the detentions because it's not okay to walk out of school without signing out properly. You need to contact the school (head of year or form tutor, depending on your school's policies) as well.

It's not the acne being visible/no access to makeup that upset her enough to walk though, it was the bullies in the changing room.

Tell them you want to work with the school. What is the plan for if it happens again: basically, who can she go to if she becomes distressed after being bullied about her medical problems?

I was in similar situation at school but I was being bullied in a particular class and the teacher was useless and turned a blind eye. My father told me to not sit there and be abused and to come home. So in class it started I got up and walked out of the class room and out of the building, my friend went after me and managed to get me back in but I got into trouble not the bullies! for your daughter.

I would go and speak to school. It destroys your confidence having cystic acne. I had it for 10 years before being referred to a dermatologist. I cried when he said he could help. Roaccurane TOTALLY cleared my skin. Please ask the doctor for a referral. X

OP If you don't mind, I'd really like to know what happens, similar circumstances when I was younger and I'd like to know how your school handles it. Mine didn't do very well.

IMO YANBU.

loco parentis is not a thing once you'd given her permission. I do wonder if the bullies were physically attacking her if it would have been alright for her to leave. This kind of over-reaction from the school can lead to serious mental health consequences. We'd all like to be resilient and know it gets better (or at least different) when we're older, but at 14 everything is major. Some of the responders here seem to have forgotten that.

NRTFT but bloody hell! 3 detentions AND school report over one afternoon, out of character and with obvious reasons? That's nuts! I'd be livid at their lack of understanding and would be questioning their bullying policy too and what they plan to put in place to ensure this doesn't happen again. I assume the other kids were also given detentions for causing so much grief?

I would not support this punishment. She called you straight away - she didn't just go off grid. If she'd not called, then that would be different, but she had your permission to come home. I'd be questioning what the school are doing about the bullies - they are the 9nes who should be getting detentions and put on report.
The school have their priorities back to front - they should be making sure your child feels secure and safe in school, not punishing her for this when she is otherwise a good student who attends school.

How is doing the detentions going to help? How is having to ask her teachers in front of her peers to certify that she has behaved well going to support her or make her feel more able to stay in school?

If she is already a well behaved pupil who was acting in distress as a result of bullying and a lack of support, how is a punishment going to help the situation?

Behaviour management should primarily be about understanding the reasons behind the behaviour and providing support to make that behaviour unnecessary in the future.

There's no reason to think that this pupil will repeat this behaviour if she has someone to turn to in school who can support her when she is being bullied. Therefore the punishment is unnecessary and all it achieves is making the OP's DD feel even worse.

The punishment seems to be designed to humiliate this girl. That isn't helpful. She is well behaved and she acted in desperation.

It would be perfectly appropriate for someone to explain to her what the impact of her disappearing could have been and get her to think about what happens if your phone is flat, etc.

What this girl needs is support, not sanctions. Sanctions can make adults feel more in control but, when they are used for the wrong reasons, they don't change behaviour and they can compound harm.

Yes she was wrong. Totally wrong.
But mental health should always take priority over education and I don't think your daughter should be punished. She was extremely distressed. She was being bullied (yes, she was) and she needed to get out.

My daughter just started high school, she is 12 and has some scars on her face. Not deep or bulging, but because of her skin tone her scars are black. Any kind of graze, scratch, spot will leave a black mark on her face for months.
It never bothered her until the end of year 6.
I asked before my daughter started high school if she would be permitted to wear concealer, foundation and some clear mascara (so her eyes didn't look odd with make up and no mascara)
They agreed.
She is a completely different child, full of confidence. Her learning has improved and her social life is brilliant.
It's not 'only' make up to her, it's her complete self worth, sadly.
I look back at the shy, unhappy, withdrawn girl she was before I allowed her to wear make up and I would never ever want to see her like that again. It's heartbreaking.
I wouldn't punish her for walking out of school because her skin was laughed at, I know how much it hurts her. So personally, I would contest any action the school plan on taking because I believe it is an exceptional circumstance.

Hold on. She didn't leave because of the make up, she left because they started bullying her. If they didn't start doing that she would have stayed of course. That is emotional abuse. Don't let the school get away with that.

I also walked out of school when I was a teenager due to bullying.
I was a very VERY quiet shy child and struggled making friends. I was always considered “weird”. But I worked hard at school, was never in trouble and got good grades.
I had put up with the bullying for years. It was only low level bullying compared to some but it was made worse when I developed cystic acne. One day I arrived at school and for whatever reason even my (very few) friends had turned on me and were laughing at me.
I don’t know what snapped as in all my life I’d never been in trouble or had detention etc. I just turned and walked straight out. I was hysterical as was terrified I’d be in serious trouble and I hid in a park for hours. The police were called but eventually I went home. My mum was so supportive as I think she’d guessed school wasnt a great place for me even though I never told her. She let me stay off school the next day and she went to the school to talk to them. The day after I went in to talk to the head of year. She was really lovely and immediately said was it because of (bullies names) etc. I said yes. She said ok don’t worry we’ll sort this out. I returned to class as normal and nothing else came of it.
To be fair the bullying never really stopped but I was 15 by then and knew the end of school was in sight.
I think if I’d have got into trouble for that day I’d have been so much worse. I wasn’t “bunking off” I had reached the end of my tether. I’m glad the teachers were able to see that. Even if they never really dealt with the bullying as they should have.

I would expect my DD to do the detentions and be on report - she left school without permission.
I would also talk to the school and agree a plan of action should it happen again. There must be some some way this can be resolved.