DD walked out of school, who is BU, her or school?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Last week my DD who has severe cystic acne did a PE lesson in the rain. The rain was lighter at first, but then it got much heavier and all her makeup washed off and went patchy.

DD realised when she reached the mirrors in the changing room. She didn't have any makeup on her to sort it out and apparently some of the girls started laughing at her and pointing at her.

My DD is 14 and has had the acne since the beginning of summer. It's got worse JUST as she had to go back to school. She's extremely shy and what little self confidence she is dented now with the cystic acne. Every morning I help her cover it up so it looks 'normal.'

Anyway, so my AIBU comes into play here- after the PE lesson, DD left school and walked home, bunking off. She missed all her afternoon lessons and rang me on the way home, really distressed. I told her to carry on home, rang up the school, spoke to head teacher before her next registration and said something had happened and DD had left school due to being very distressed and wanting to come straight home (so they never thought she was 'missing') and went home from work to meet DD!

Basically her cystic acne looked much worse without makeup and she couldn't cope with staying at school for the rest of the day with it all on show. School have now given her three, hourly after school detentions, put her on 'report' which involves getting a written confirmation from every teacher at the end of the lesson that she has behaved adequately and asked to have a meeting with me.

I don't think any of this but the meeting with me is fair! I will go to the meeting as clearly the situation needs explaining.

I don't agree with her walking out of school either, but I think in the circumstances (ie, she was terribly distressed) she needs comfort not punishment. Yes, she walked out after the lesson but she rang me and knew I would let the school know. She understands that just 'disappearing' would worry everyone!

So who is BU here, DD and me thinking the punishment is too much or the school- who know she walked out due to being 'very distressed and upset', my exact words on the phone to the head teacher - for giving her the punishment?

For those of you who do not know what cystic acne looks like, please Google it before you make your judgment! It's not like normal teenage acne and DD has it quite severely.

If people do think I am being unreasonable I won't contest the punishment for DD. If I am not BU, I will speak to the head teacher.

DD has always been so shy and reserved, very quiet and keeping a low profile, so I don't have much experience with what is normal in terms of detention and punishment as she's never done anything like this before.

In future, DD is going to take a waterproof foundation for PE in case of rain and also take other makeup to help cover it up. She's also got an appointment to start the process of getting Roaccutane.

Aw I know your heart hurts for your girl.Technically she shouldn't have left,but I have teen girls too so I feel your pain!Imo the school is seriously over doing it.I suggest maybe talking to her Dr and get a note from him for the school.They need to understand her situation is serious!!I hope she heals soon,inside and out❤

Ditto what Mymom said re having a teen girl and feeling your pain!

My heart goes out to your daughter. I suffered from cystic acne in my 20s so I totally emphasise. I agree with some of the other posters that the punishment is a bit harsh given the circumstances and, unless you've had acne and all the low self esteem issues relating to it, you cannot possibly understand how you just want to hide away, I wouldn't even let my family see me without makeup. I am so pleased you are seeing a doctor about roaccutane. I have taken it twice, initially in my 20s and the when my acne started reappearing in my late 40s as I went through the menopause, and I would recommend it to anyone. The results are amazing. My skin looks great now. The side effects for me were mainly very dry lips and eyes but it's worth it. In my opinion YANBU. Hope the school starts helping you daughter and other pupils who are affected by this.

I can't help but wonder what the state of the school is that your DD felt her only option was to leave school as she did? Was there no teacher or member of staff she could talk to? Because that is an issue of its own. I don't agree that your DD should be treated as a truant, the school were informed of her actions by you, her mother. I would be discussing the whole incident with the head. While I agree DD shouldn't have left school, I also don't think punishing her in this instance solves anything of the original situation. She clearly already feels shitty enough without the school coming down like a ton of bricks on her.

I actually think neither you or the school are being unreasonable.

On the one hand you did exactly what I would have done in this situation, although maybe you should have fixed her makeup and taken her back in to explain.

On the other hand, school cannot be seen to support truancy under any circumstances. It would open a can of worms.

In a rush & no time to read full thread (apologies) but just wanted to say Zineryt lotion (contains zinc) and Dianette o.c. pill used together are very effective. Not sure if you have tried these. They can be prescribed by GP.
DD has had good results with Zineryt on its own although she has not had cysts with her moderately severe acne.
Think the school were OTT although I appreciate she can’t just take off but she should be given credit for alerting you.

Neither unreasonable.

Your daughter was desperate
The school is responsible for her safety and the rules are such that walking off site on a whim (albeit we understand why) can’t go unpunished.

However the punishment itself is too severe and should reflect the Circumstances

The thing is, your daughter didn't entirely bunk off as someone would in the usual manner.

Yes she left but she called you and explained why (and a reasonable reason IMO), you then called the school and explained.

This is out of character for her, and the school should know that. I thinj you going in to school to disxuss with teachers is right and fair but detention is not.

@OverbearingHouseSitter - how did your meeting go yesterday afternoon? I hope you were able to leave the meeting satisfied with what you heard.

They are being unreasonable to punish her so severely but are no doubt following some outdated policy. I recommend consulting a reputable Chinese medicine practitioner regarding her acne. Eg Sen (Liverpool street and Kings rd). They cured a friends acute guttate psoraisis in a few months through a combination of herbal medicine, acupuncture and dietary advice. The girls who laughed at her were just mean and not worth paying attention to.

I completely understand her not wanting to stay at school under the circumstances.

I suffered with bad hormonal acne and Tried everything under the sun but nothing helped until I found acne.org.
They have a regimen consisting of a face wash, 2.5%benzoyl peroxide and a moisturiser. You have to order it from America but it is so worth it.It completely cleard my skin up.
I just use the benzoyl peroxide now with aveeno moisturiser and face wash by Simple as it keeps the cost down.
My 14 YR old Dd uses it too when she get a breakout and it's gone in a day or two.
Also dermacol foundation is really good. It covers anything,even tattoos.
I hope this helps

How did you get on OP? Hope your DD is ok

Right sorry I haven't updated yet, things have been very busy!

Anyway, we had the meeting and DD decided to come. She apologised to the head teacher for walking out initially and the head teacher then basically gave her a talk on why walking out of school is such a serious matter. He mentioned all the things previous posters mentioned, such as there being a fire, safe guarding, etc...

Once the 'serious' talk was out of the way, he then asked my DD to explain why. So DD explained about the cystic acne, the girls teasing her and it getting too much. I backed this up and also showed the head teacher of a photo of DD without makeup (had her permission!) like someone suggested to show him the severity.

The bullying issue has been addressed in case of my DD.

Once the head had ascertained the whole situation, he identified three points: a) DD had behaved wrongly by walking out school, b) however was normally very well behaved and c) did so as she felt there was no safe space for her to go her too as a result of the teasing.

He said he was sorry DD felt like this and has told her that the school are planning on introducing a 'safe' or pastoral room at lunch times.
Basically it will be monitored by a teacher and students can go there when they feel upset or need time to themselves. Students will have to sign in and out of the room, staff will monitor it and it won't be a normal 'hangout' room.

The head has also established two members of staff for DD to talk too during the day if she gets upset, and has reccomended that she talk to the school counsellors about confidence issues.

As for the punishment, DD has now has three detentions. The report has been scrapped as the head agrees that as she's not a serial misbehaver, it won't be a positive thing.

In her detentions DD has to write an essay on safeguarding issues in school, the effects and the issues, making sure all children are accounted for, safety policies... DD can write out about all age groups so she is choosing to write about safeguarding in preschools as she's interested in this age range. So her detention will also hopefully teach her something and may be interesting also!

Overall, I think the outcome has gone quite well. If I think of anything more I'm not happy with I can mention it to the school.

Thanks for everyone's comments as well and all the support.

Sounds like it was a really positive meeting. Is she happy with what has been put in place?

Does sound really positive. Is she ok about the outcomes. I'm glad that it wasn't just a lecture but also an apology. She deserved that. I do hope the bullying is dealt with severely.

So glad to hear the meeting went well!
I have 3 teens,2 are girls so I def understand your pain.Sounds like the school listened to you both.Hope your girl heals soon,teenage years can be tough but seems like you are a fantastic mom and a great support for her.

That sounds great OP.

The head's take on it was very similar to mine: serious safeguarding issue so needs a response but the bullying needs dealing eith severely.

Glad it has worked out

I'm glad you are ok OP, but I am not sure its a great outcome. What action was taken against bullies? Did they have to apologise to your DD, like she was forced to apologise to the Head?

What a lovely head teacher.

I haven't read all the pages because there's so many, but I have to say that both you and DD were definitely not being unreasonable.

If I was DD, I would have gone home. And if I were you, I would have done exactly what you did- rang school and gone home to meet DD.

I find it disgusting that the school are putting a shy girl who has had a distressing experience in school, that could have dramatically effected her confidence, on report.

I would ring the school ASAP and say that she needs to be taken off report straightaway and no detentions. Ask to speak to her head of year.

Sorry OP, have just read your last post.

Well done, that's a good outcome.

I do agree that the detentions about safeguarding might help DD learn something.

Something that stands out to me though is:
Do the school understand that what DD essentially needed was to go home and reapply her makeup? I am saying this because if a similar situation happened to DD again or another student, would the student just go the pastoral room and then be expected to go back to lesson? I think that the headteacher has perhaps disregarded this factor.

I also agree that bullies need severely tackling. To point and laugh is disgusting.

I think the talking to from the Head would have been more than enough punishment for her really as what happened was punishment enough, but hey ho, three detentions it is. It's a shame there was no pastoral room for her before. I hope the head apologised for not having a safe space before rather than a "sorry you feel that way" sort of apology. I'm glad you feel positive about it though. I'm probably being unreasonable, but I'm normally very supportive of schools and teachers, i just think what happened was sad and wanted him to let her off! I suppose he's got a school to run and hundreds of kids to keep safe though which i couldn't begin to do, so needs must.
for your girl. Hope she gets some successful treatment. You should feel proud that she's caused some positive changes in how the school's run.

My husband had cystic acne as a teen. He couldn't cover it. I also had Acne and Rosacea.
Bunking is bunking. You should have told her to go back to school. It's got to be punished. Not having makeup on (is she allowed makeup anyway?) isn't a reason to be allowed to skip school.
If this is such an issue for her she needs to carry makeup to reapply with her to school if she needs it. A concealer and blotting papers would be good.
The girls who laughed should be punished too. She should have spoken to the teachers about it.

Thought the meeting sounded really positive until you said she still had to do the detentions. Really??