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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my DD go on school trip abroad in Y6?

295 replies

jobergamot · 11/09/2017 20:49

DD is 9 and in Y5. Her school does a trip to Spain in Y6 and we have to sign up to it this year as they have to book it so far in advance/save up etc. I don't want her to go. It's because I can't bear the anxiety of anything happening to her and me being so far away. You read so bloody often about school coach trips crashing, I just can't get the thoughts of something awful happening. (I do have general anxiety about my DD dying or something terrible happening). She's shrieked at me that 'all her friends' are going and she'll be the only one left behind.

I'm a single mum, so no one else to bishboshbash this around with.

OP posts:
FenceSitter01 · 11/09/2017 20:52

I think you're very unfair to deny her a trip that (all) her peers will be going on because you have anxieties. You are making her responsible for your feelings. She will be that one child left behind in the class room, she will be the one excluded from all the chat after, she will be the one who resents you for it.

oldbirdy · 11/09/2017 20:52

Of course it would be unreasonable not to let her go. You know this. The chances of anything happening are vanishingly small. Statistically she is more likely to die in a car accident if you drive to school or indeed anywhere.
Go to your gp about your anxiety. You have plenty of time to get it under control before she goes to Spain.

saoirse31 · 11/09/2017 20:53

It seems a shame that your anxiety is affecting her opportunities. Could you sign her up and try and get help with your anxiety in the meantime?

Tapandgo · 11/09/2017 20:54

If you are letting your anxiety to spoil the opportunities your child is being offered you should seek help from your GP. Of course - things do happen on trips, but things happen just crossing the roads outside people's own home.
It's about getting things in proportion.

LetBartletBeBartlet · 11/09/2017 20:54

Is there an alternative trip for children that don't go?

She probably will not be the only one that does not go.

Rachie1973 · 11/09/2017 20:54

YABVU to inflict your irrational and exaggerated fears onto a child.

She will grow up anxious and nervous too

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 11/09/2017 20:55

You must put your child's needs first. This will be a big step for you but if you don't do this what else won't you allow?

Wolfiefan · 11/09/2017 20:55

You are being completely unfair. If she wants to go on the trip and you have no reason to suggest the school is negligent then she should go.
Deal with your anxiety. See your GP ASAP. It is unhealthy for you and her to live like this.

BlueSuffragette · 11/09/2017 20:55

This is balancing your insecurity and stress against the wonderful learning opportunity for your daughter. In life you have to let the umbilical rope out gradually. This is one of those occasions you have to let it stretch a bit further than you have before.

cestlavielife · 11/09/2017 20:56

Let her go and don't tell her but book a week in a hotel nearby so you can be near if needs be. She won't know. Teachers will have your mobile.

And Or get some help for your anxiety

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/09/2017 20:58

You are being very unfair and unreasonable to not let her go because if your own anxiety.

Crumbs1 · 11/09/2017 20:58

My children would be telling me to "Grow a pair" if I'd suggested this. Really unfair to deny your child an opportunity because of you feel worried. They are more likely to get injured crossing the road in UK.

Original poster
jobergamot · 11/09/2017 21:01

cestlavie that's exactly what I thought I might have to do, go on the same plane as them and all that, get a hire car and follow their coach.... but I would have to ask the school organisers which flights etc they were on wouldn't I; and won't they think I'm mad?

OP posts:
Pixel · 11/09/2017 21:03

My dd never went on the school trips abroad because we couldn't afford it. She wasn't the only one so I really doubt your dd will be the single child out of the whole class sitting at school on her own. She understood that life isn't always fair and doesn't 'resent me for it' Hmm.

Honestly, the OP has her own reasons which I accept she is probably going to have to overcome for her dd's sake, but I don't think all this emotional blackmail is helpful. There will be parents here who can't send their children on trips and some of you will be making them feel worse.

chitofftheshovel · 11/09/2017 21:04

I love the expression bishboshbash.

I agree you should let her go. It's really bloody difficult but part of parenting is allowing kids independence. It will also make future trips/her leaving the nest easier for you to cope with as you'll see it was fine. Don't beat yourself up over it.

You could see if they need parent helpers but this won't help you long term.

Original poster
jobergamot · 11/09/2017 21:04

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sierre_coach_crash

dreadful stuff like this.

OP posts:
Orchidflower1 · 11/09/2017 21:04

I know everyone is saying let her go but y6 is imho v young fir an abroad trip. A week in Skegness / Bognor / Blackpool etc would be v different and she will have plenty of other opportunities. So you have to weight it up. Also you may find not all the chn are going dn told my dsis this at her trip and only 2/3 if year went in fact. Also can you afford to have a holiday together if she goes on the trip? I'm sure at high school there will be loads of trips. Don't feel guilty if that's what you choose.

FlakeBook · 11/09/2017 21:06

You can't go on the same plane. That would be mortifying for your dd.

This is really unfair on her.

If you have to go and stay nearby you absolutely have to get a different flight and let nobody see you. Certainly don't undermine your dd's confidence by letting her know you were ever there.

But you know...living with the anxiety so that she can have the opportunity to grow into a confident and secure adult would be a better option.

Leeds2 · 11/09/2017 21:06

Let her go, assuming that you can afford it. She will resent you if you don't. And please don't "stalk" her whilst she is there; if anyone finds out, and they will, she will be a laughing stock and find it very hard to live down.
If you absolutely have to be out there at the same time, please go a day later and come back the day before. And do not make any sort of contact whilst she is there.

RainbowBriteRules · 11/09/2017 21:07

You would be massively unreasonable! And yes, if you try to follow the coach around they will think you are mad.

BlueSuffragette · 11/09/2017 21:07

Dont shadow her. Let her go. She will be fine. You need support for your anxiety as it sounds like it is bordering on neurotic. I understand you love her absolutely but being a parent is about letting children grow through rich learning experiences, some of which are away from you.

GingerMcGrey · 11/09/2017 21:07

I wouldn't be happy with my Yr6 child going abroad on a school trip so no YANBU.

She is unlikely to be the only one not going and it is very likely to be extremely expensive. Don't make it about your anxiety, there are many good, logical reasons for her not to go and you are her parent and responsible for making that choice, not the school, not your DD and not her friends.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 11/09/2017 21:07

You should absolutely let her go! Don't let your anxieties control her, it's not fair.

I went on trips abroad to France with school from the age of 9 (this was in the late 90's) and I absolutely loved it. We explored Normandy, tried Snails and frogs legs, had BBQ's, went to the beach, saw Mont St Michel and got to practise our French. It was amazing and the very few who didn't go really missed out.

Please don't let your anxieties ruin this for her. The likelihood of anything happening to her is minute. You only hear about the ones that are disastrous because it's so rare.

Rockingthestocking · 11/09/2017 21:09

I completely understand your feelings. I worry terribly about the same things. I have made decisions in the past and not let my DD do things because I was too anxious that something would happen. But I am trying so hard to change my thinking. She has a trip on a coach with a club she attends. It is in 2 weeks. I am so anxious already. But I am letting her go and she will see an excited mum waving her off and not a panicky sobbing mum. It's not a week abroad, but if I do little things like this and build up my resilience I think I can control it. Maybe try a sleepover at a relative's who live a distance away first? Or if you can afford it, try a PGL weekend? You can do it.... little by little. Good luck

scottishretreat · 11/09/2017 21:09

, go on the same plane as them and all that, get a hire car and follow their coach.... but I would have to ask the school organisers which flights etc they were on wouldn't I; and won't they think I'm mad?
I think they would a bit, and I really think you shouldn't do that OP, for you own sake and you DDs.
There will be more and more things where she goes away as she gets older, you can't follow her everywhere, thats not the solution.
You need to get help with your anxiety, and to rationalise your fears and worries to cope better. That will improve everything far more in the long run, and allow you to be a good, supportive parent encouraging your DD to enjoy opportunities and develop independence.