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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my DD go on school trip abroad in Y6?

295 replies

jobergamot · 11/09/2017 20:49

DD is 9 and in Y5. Her school does a trip to Spain in Y6 and we have to sign up to it this year as they have to book it so far in advance/save up etc. I don't want her to go. It's because I can't bear the anxiety of anything happening to her and me being so far away. You read so bloody often about school coach trips crashing, I just can't get the thoughts of something awful happening. (I do have general anxiety about my DD dying or something terrible happening). She's shrieked at me that 'all her friends' are going and she'll be the only one left behind.

I'm a single mum, so no one else to bishboshbash this around with.

OP posts:
Amanduh · 11/09/2017 21:22

I don't think I'd want my 10 yo going abroad on her own so yanbu in that sense.. but the anxiety and irrational thinking/obsession with something happening and the whole stalking the plane and following the coach thing yabu about. I think you need some help with your anxiety

Original poster
jobergamot · 11/09/2017 21:24

Cost will also be an issue for me, as I say, I'm a single mum so it's not always very easy.

I know all that about statistically you're more likely to get killed in a car crash on the way to the airport than flying etc etc. I know it's irrational fear. I let her do the 3 day residential outward bound type thing last term, tho I was anxious about it. She had a great time.

I think it's unfair to start saying I have 'mental health issues'.

I think people who co-parent perhaps have less anxiety about this type of situation because at least you can jointly make a decision about these sort of things.

OP posts:
diddl · 11/09/2017 21:24

A trip abroad in priary school?

Don't think that I would have been very happy with that tbh.

Wolfiefan · 11/09/2017 21:24

They would think you mad if you asked to go on the flight and the coach. Because it is mad.
You need to get help for your anxiety. It's usual to feel a bit worried about your children but to allow that to stop them leading a normal life is unfair and unreasonable.

ALittleMop · 11/09/2017 21:26

Your poor child
All that will happen is you will push her further and further away. Having a parent like that is suffocating
It's almost as bad as having one who doesn't care. The damage you are doing is untold.
You cannot stop life. You have to let her be her own person. Even at that age

This is the most OTT post I have read here in a long.... time.

Therealslimshady1 · 11/09/2017 21:27

I feel the same anxiety you do, I don't think it's a mental disorder!

I think it is normal to feel this way. But I am learning to override my fears with attempts at rational though, and I always let my kids go if they want to.

It is bloody hard being a parent!

applesareredandgreen · 11/09/2017 21:28

I'm actually surprised that all of the other children in the class will be going. When DS was in Y6 the trip was a 2 night residential to a local activity centre and quite a lot of the children didn't go, some I think down to finances but several didn't go because they didn't feel comfortable being away from home, and of the children who did go I know that at least a couple of them were upset because they were homesick.

I also think that the start of Y5 is quite early for parents to have to make a decision as to a trip like this at least a year later (when in the year is the trip?) as children's maturity and what you know they will enjoy/cope with changes massively over this year. I could imagine a lot of parents seeing their 9 year old and doubting they would be ready for such a trip at age 11, and the time Ruth is some children will be , and some won't. Therefore I think the school is unreasonable to ask you to make a decision this early on.

I do understand your feelings of anxiety about your daughter. I'm also sure you do realise that at some point you will need to overcome this in order for her to have full opportunities. I'm not convinced that a trip to Spain in y6 is the time you need to let her go though.

chitofftheshovel · 11/09/2017 21:28

Also try to ignore the posters who are being dicks. I am horrified by some of the comments.

Original poster
jobergamot · 11/09/2017 21:28

Littlemop And to previous posters .....yes my child could get taken ill/knocked down/other unlikely scenarios in the UK . But I could get there a shedload quicker and easier than if she were in Spain.

Thank you! You understand where I'm coming from!

OP posts:
Caprianna · 11/09/2017 21:29

I feel more anxious about my children travelling to or from school by themselves than a school trip abroad. We all worry about dofferent things. I think it sounds like an amasing opportunity for her.

Wolfiefan · 11/09/2017 21:29

It is usual to feel some level of concern. To be considering boarding the same flight and travelling on the same coach IS completely a sign of MH issues. If anxiety rules you then it's something that needs treating.

Lunde · 11/09/2017 21:30

You need to get some help for your anxiety otherwise you are going to restrict your dd's development if she is not allowed to particpate in activities because of your own fears.

It is normal to have anxiety as they grow up and do new things without you. Sometimes you just have to bury your own worries and wave them off regardless of how you feel about it . I definitely had to do this last year when dd went on a school trip to Israel and the Palestinian authority which included staying in private homes on the Palestinian side. Very happy when she arrived home but the experience had a major impact

Worriedrose · 11/09/2017 21:30

@ALittleMop
That's your opinion and you have every right to it. Perhaps I was a little OTT
But I have seen the damage it's done to another person in a very similar situation.
As others have said, if it's about money then it's different. But I don't think (from my own experience) it will stop here.

Wolfiefan · 11/09/2017 21:31

It is absolutely a sign of mental ill health to be considering boarding the same flight and insisting on being on the coach.
It's normal to feel some level of concern when your children are travelling etc. but this level of worry is completely illogical.

applesareredandgreen · 11/09/2017 21:33

*time Ruth - should read 'truth' - autocorrect- sorry

HostaFireAndIce · 11/09/2017 21:35

I think Y6 is very young to be going on a school trip abroad. What sort of a trip is it, OP? Is it one that everybody goes on and she would really stand out not going or is it the case that it's open to everybody, but less than half of them actually go. It can't be that cheap, can it? I'm sure you won't be the only one for whom cost is a genuine consideration anyway.

Bostonkremekrazy · 11/09/2017 21:36

i wont let my primary age dc go abroad without me....surprised how many parents do

kids have as much fun on school trips 20 miles down the road, not sure why they have to go abroad in primary school....

YANBU

ALittleMop · 11/09/2017 21:37

Worried - you are projecting massively on to the OP in an unfair way
I suspect she is reacting in the moment to the proposition as it has just been made to her, she is not really planning that option.

Voice0fReason · 11/09/2017 21:37

When my mum was at school, her class went on a school trip to France. Her mum wouldn't let her go because she would worry.
They had a good relationship but this decision stuck with her for life - she still resents it now 50 years later!
She would have completely understood had they not been able to afford it, but not because she would worry.
She vowed that when she had kids she would never let her worry get in the way of letting her children do things, and for that, I am very grateful.

Let her go!

Armadillostoes · 11/09/2017 21:37

I understand that your feelings but YWBVU to act on them. Her needs should come first-any other approach is selfishness rather than devotion.

She has a right to live her life without being kept in bubble-wrap. If you are over protective to this degree you've I'll eventually damage your relationship with her and possibly her mental health. I know that probably sounds harsh and I don't mean it unkindly, but it is the reality of the situation.

GrimDamnFanjo · 11/09/2017 21:39

OP you have anxiety. It's ok but it's no way to live and will impact on your DD life unless you tackle it now. Go to your GP they will know what to do. When my youngest DD was born I couldn't cope with her leaving the house let alone Spain but I managed to get my life back and you can too xxx

littlebird7 · 11/09/2017 21:40

We had a similar trip and I found it so hard too. For the first day I felt sick all day. I didn't sleep for the entire time, but she would never know. I made her think I was excited for her and I did not cry or show any emotion about it. Inside was a different story, they are still so young and I am not sure why they have to do things so far away!!!!

mummymi · 11/09/2017 21:41

I let my daughter go on a school trip to Spain in year 6.
I have major anxiety about keeping my children safe, but I let her go and she had a great time with her friends.
I was, however, the parent crying as they got on the bus!!! 
@jobergamot you said I think people who co-parent perhaps have less anxiety about this type of situation because at least you can jointly make a decision about these sort of things.
That is so not true in our house, I freak out and my dh doesn't and thinks I'm ridiculous

ArcheryAnnie · 11/09/2017 21:41

I completely understand your anxiety, OP. I did in the end let my DS go off on a Y6 trip for a week - but it was in the UK, not abroad. The deputy head, who was going on the trip, knew how anxious I was, and what a big deal it was that I'd let him go, so very kindly texted me a couple of times during the week away to let me know he was OK!

He loved every minute of it, and it was a massive part of his Y6 experience. I think YANBU for being anxious, I understand that completely, but if you can manage to let him, you will look back on it and be so glad.

BTW I am still anxious, years later, but I have finally set in motion the process of getting some counselling for it, because it's so bloody exhausting worrying all the time, and as my DS gets older and older, I have to let him do what he needs to do and spread his wings.

letsmargaritatime · 11/09/2017 21:41

Abroad in primary? Why so young? Plenty of time to experience this when they are older, I wouldn't want my dc doing this in year 6. Not because if coach crashes etc. No reason other than emotional readiness.

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