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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

to not let my DD go on school trip abroad in Y6?

295 replies

jobergamot · 11/09/2017 20:49

DD is 9 and in Y5. Her school does a trip to Spain in Y6 and we have to sign up to it this year as they have to book it so far in advance/save up etc. I don't want her to go. It's because I can't bear the anxiety of anything happening to her and me being so far away. You read so bloody often about school coach trips crashing, I just can't get the thoughts of something awful happening. (I do have general anxiety about my DD dying or something terrible happening). She's shrieked at me that 'all her friends' are going and she'll be the only one left behind.

I'm a single mum, so no one else to bishboshbash this around with.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/02/2018 17:47

On my daughters trip to France they got to wander around unsupervised on the ferry, which I thought was frankly ridiculously lax. They had bathroom arrangements which I was unhappy with, and would probably not happen in the uk. And of course there is the issue that if they did ever wander off and get lost, they would have trouble with the language.

jalpie · 03/02/2018 17:47

Hey OP I really sympathise with the way you're feeling - I am also a single mum and completely understand the overwhelming fear that can sometimes creep up on you regarding something terrible happening to your DC ... BUT it just isn't fair to let this fear dictate the way you parent them because otherwise it will drive a wedge between you both. So I would suggest taking a deep breath ... saying yes and then focusing on arranging something fun for YOU to do while she is away. That way, it gives you both something exciting to focus on and hopefully, stop your mind from working overtime.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/02/2018 17:47

The Head of our school at the time was a childless woman and I do think she completely failed to grasp how uncomfortable these trips made some parents.

These sorts of comments are not ok, by any stretch of the imagination.

YouOKHun · 03/02/2018 17:47

The thing is OP you’re just at the beginning of these tests of your stress tolerance as a parent; this dilemma will happen again so at what point do you decide it’s safe? I get where you’re coming from; when my teenagers are away my heart is often in my mouth but we have to manage our anxious thoughts don’t we so our children can learn how to be independent and how to risk assess for themselves. Anxiety is a ‘mental health issue’ if it interferes with living your life or your daughter living hers, so why not takes steps to sort that out? I can guarantee that avoidance will make the anxiety about letting her go on the next trip much greater. BTW I’m a CBT therapist and spend a lot of time helping people with life affecting anxiety so I’ve seen the pattern of anxiety many times.

BashStreetKid · 03/02/2018 17:48

ZOMBIE THREAD
ZOMBIE THREAD
ZOMBIE THREAD

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/02/2018 17:50

I often think people on mumsnet don’t even have children.

How dare those without children have an opinion hey, or in fact those with DC have a different opinion to you.

GingerMcGrey · 03/02/2018 17:50

Sorry, my fault this started up again, I clicked "I'm on" rather than "Active"!

YouOKHun · 03/02/2018 17:50

Sorry, just seen above zombie thread

DakotaWest · 03/02/2018 17:52

and posters aren't allowed to have an opinion on a thread that's a few months old? It's not from years ago, it's still the same school year.

chickenowner · 03/02/2018 17:57

go on the same plane as them and all that, get a hire car and follow their coach.... but I would have to ask the school organisers which flights etc they were on wouldn't I; and won't they think I'm mad?

Oh my God, do NOT do this.

Not because of what the school staff will think (although yes, they will think you are deranged) but because of how your daughter will feel and how her friends will view her if/when they all find out.

Please try to manage your fears in a more sensible way.

TwigTheWonderKid · 03/02/2018 17:59

Statistically, she is much more likely to die from an accident in your home that a coach crash on a school trip. There are so many aspects of parenting older children which involves a bit of letting go and is terrifying but what is the alternative? You really can't lock her in her room for the rest of her life. You have to balance your anxiety with how detrimental it will be to her own mental well-being if you dissuade her from fully participating in life.How will you cope when she goes to High School and has to travel to and from school every day by herself?

Perhaps it is time for you to address your anxiety?

chickenowner · 03/02/2018 18:00

OK zombie thread, hadn't realized.

jawdropping · 03/02/2018 18:00

I don't think yabu, she's 9, still very young IMO, I'd be the same.

abcnamechange · 03/02/2018 18:00

I would feel exactly the same. My daughter chose not to go but I'm not sure I would have let her. I have friends exactly the same - you're not alone at all but it's not really the done thing to admit it!! I would offer her an exciting holiday somewhere else with you and explain you can't do both.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/02/2018 18:08

Piglet I have apologised and expanded on my comment.

House4 · 03/02/2018 18:08

Zombie thread but what did the OP decide to do in the end?

Frustratedboarder · 03/02/2018 18:11

Haven't rtft but don't think I would let my 10 yr old go on a trip abroad for a week regardless of my own anxieties; when I was 9yrs I had a sleep over with a friend and we feel out and I wanted to come home.. if I'd been abroad it Obviously wouldn't have been possible! 10 is just a little young and emotionally/psychologically immature to be away from cost family for that long IMO.

WasWildatHeart · 03/02/2018 18:27

If it’s any consolation I found both of my DCs grew up massively between Years 5&6 and were much more independent. Easier to let them do stuff away from home. That said my DD had lots of anxiety and couldn’t manage sleep overs. Her Y6 trip was a four nights at PGL and I was so desperate that she didn’t miss out because she couldn’t sleep over that I booked a week ‘working from home’ and a tiny chalet near the PGL site with WiFi. I was the mad mother who picked her up each night at 10 and dropped her off each morning before breakfast! Her teachers were brill and, apart from the children in her room, none of the others noticed. She had a brilliant week, I got loads of work done and best of all she chose to sleep over on the last night and managed it! Hope you can find a solution for your worries for your daughter to give her wings.

AthenaAshton · 03/02/2018 18:29

OP, I completely sympathise. I spent many years battling with anxiety about something happening to my DC. I had counselling for emetophobia and while it didn't help much with the emetophobia, it did enable me to see more clearly that the thing I was really, really terrified of was the DC coming to some kind of harm. The first time DC1 went on the school minibus, for a journey of about two miles, I spent the entire time listening to the local news, expecting to hear that there had been a minibus crash.

In my particular case, I was sort of forced out of it by a hideous separation and divorce, court case etc. I had to focus on that so much that I just found myself focussing less on the rising panic that used to grip me even just walking down the pavement (what if a car mounts the pavement and hits one of the DC? And so on...)

I think that now they are older (university, boarding school, independent teenagers at home), I have just had to trust that the vast majority of people reach adulthood. It feels a bit like jumping out of an aeroplane without a parachute, but I couldn't bear my DC to feel anxious in the way that I have done, so I have just had to let them get on with it. They travel around and even the youngest has flown alone (if anyone had told me I would permit this when DC1 was small, I'd have bet them a gazillion pounds that I wouldn't. How things change...). Some of the things the older ones have told me after the event would have floored me at the time, so there's also something to be said for them getting older and somehow thriving. I also found it all slightly easier with DC2 onwards. Though if I started to think about it now, I'd get that awful cold, sick feeling - so I won't.

If you can afford this trip (and affording them is a whole other kettle of fish: I've said no to several that "everyone else" is going on as I can't afford them), I think you should overcome your fears and let your DD go. Wave her off happily, then weep on a friend/family/your OH, if you have one.

bobstersmum · 03/02/2018 18:49

It makes me feel uneasy thinking of having to let my child go abroad without me at that age, its too young in my opinion. I'm dreading when they get to the age the school will want to take them on the London trip, mostly because when dsd went her and a few friends were in a hotel room unsupervised, I was under impression a teacher would be in a room with a small group. But I am overly anxious, however I won't let it spoil my childrens fun. But abroad in primary school I wouldn't like.

BertrandRussell · 03/02/2018 18:57

I don’t understand why a week “abroad” is scarier than a week in this country........

Aragog · 03/02/2018 19:02

You can't let your own irrational anxieties hold her back. Fine to say she can't go if you genuinely can't afford it, etc. but not for a perceived worry of your own.

DD went to France with school in Y5. Of course I was anxious. However, that was MY anxiety, not hers. She wanted to go, all her friends were going. It wouldn't have been fair on me to prevent her going.

I didn't. She went. I worried. She had an amazing time and loved every second. Of course, she was safe and happy and there were no problems at all.

Obviously there are the odd problems. But it really is very rare and the likelihood of your child being caught up on an issue is minimal.

There is a Mumsnetter who's child was caught up in such an incident. There were fatalities. However, I remember that Mumsnetter also saying that she would still let her child do such trips again.

Scaredofthegym · 03/02/2018 19:30

I can't believe everyone on here saying how unreasonable the op is being!
I'm a very relaxed mum of 4 but there's no way I'd be allowing a 9-10 year old to go to Spain with school. Aside from the cost it's completely unnecessary for them to be going abroad with school at that age - when they're at high school fair enough. My own kids school did a similar trip a few years ago but only about 12 kids went, less than half the class and my child didn't want to go anyway luckily.

missmapp · 03/02/2018 19:36

My dm wouldn't let me go on a school trip to France when I was 12 as she was worried the ferry would be in an accident ( it was around the debugger disaster). Everyone else went. The ferry went and came back safely. No disaster.

I still remember how annoyed I was. I understand her anxieties but make sure I don't let my anxieties stop my dc doing anything. In fact I am probably goto far the other wayand am far more risky than I should be !

missmapp · 03/02/2018 19:37

Zebrugger i mean