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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my DD go on school trip abroad in Y6?

295 replies

jobergamot · 11/09/2017 20:49

DD is 9 and in Y5. Her school does a trip to Spain in Y6 and we have to sign up to it this year as they have to book it so far in advance/save up etc. I don't want her to go. It's because I can't bear the anxiety of anything happening to her and me being so far away. You read so bloody often about school coach trips crashing, I just can't get the thoughts of something awful happening. (I do have general anxiety about my DD dying or something terrible happening). She's shrieked at me that 'all her friends' are going and she'll be the only one left behind.

I'm a single mum, so no one else to bishboshbash this around with.

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 11/09/2017 21:09

Y6? That's too young imo and mine wouldn't have wanted to go abroad. I only just managed to persuade them to go in the 4 night residential trip which was only about 50 miles away. They hadn't ever been on a plane at that age!

GingerMcGrey · 11/09/2017 21:10

You are definietly not neurotic for worrying about a 10 year old going on a school trip abroad!

I have no idea whay any school would think a trip to Spain is vital for their education. She will have years of school ahead of her to go on this kind of trip, there is no reason to do it as a 10 year old.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 11/09/2017 21:10

Just tell the school you can't afford it - don't follow them there.

zwellers · 11/09/2017 21:10

Let her go op. Or what are you going to stop next. No you can't do an activity because someone died doing that. No you can't go to your friends they may be an accident. No you can't go to town. No you can't go out.... you dd will end up resenting you.

BeepBeepMOVE · 11/09/2017 21:11

YABU!

Please get help for your mental health issues it isn't fair to ignore them when you are inflicting them on your children.

toffee1000 · 11/09/2017 21:11

Loads of year 6 kids go to France as a school trip.
Do not stalk her and follow her around, that's ridiculous and I think you know this deep down. You need to get help for your anxieties.
The reason those stories make the news and get Wikipedia pages is precisely because they are so rare. They don't make news stories out of normal everyday events.

HappyHedgehog247 · 11/09/2017 21:11

Does the trip need any parent helpers especially if they pay their own way?

broadbeany · 11/09/2017 21:12

Exactly like you say, it's really hard when you're on your own to decide if your worries are reasonable or not without having someone to bounce them off. I don't think "everyone else is doing it" is generally a particularly good reason to make a decision, but in this case you can perhaps draw some comfort from the fact that most (?) of the other parents are happy with it, the school's happy with it (and have presumably done it loads of times before).

Everybody has nightmares about stuff happening to their kids - that's normal, but I always try to remember that you have to balance the minute risk of something bad happening against the certainty that you'd be harming them by denying them this sort of opportunity.

HollyBuckets · 11/09/2017 21:12

YABU

You need to seek help for your anxiety before you do serious damage to your DD (if you haven't already). To be brutally reasonable- your DD could be hurt crossing the road; you could be in a traffic accident; she could become seriously ill, all within 100 metres of your home and you with her. Millions of people live in Spain, thousands of people travel there.

Try to develop some perspective vpbefore your mental I'll-health rubs off on your daughter. Do you want her to become like you?

dazedandconfused12 · 11/09/2017 21:13

Personally I think these residential trips are OTT and unnecessary. Never mind abroad. We didn't do them til about age 13 and I have lived in 3 European countries since do I am not scarred for life.
Ask the school to demonstrate what the value of the trip is. You can guarantee they won't be speaking / learning Spanish it will just be a jolly.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 11/09/2017 21:15

I don't think your anxiety is a valid reason to prevent her from going. It is up to you as the grown-up to manage your issues and not project them on to your DD.

Do you ever let her out of the house, does she cross the road, does she ever travel in a car? By allowing her to do these things, you are exposing her to a much greater risk every single day, statistically, than you would be by letting her go on a plane or coach - so why are you suddenly so disproportionately worried about this much smaller risk?

If you can afford to let her go but don't want to because you'd rather prevent her doing something she really wants to do than get help for your issues, it seems very selfish.

toffee1000 · 11/09/2017 21:15

And what's the issue with a jolly after SATs? When I went to France on a year 6 trip we all did have to order a drink in French in a cafe.

Witchend · 11/09/2017 21:16

My dm dud this to me a few times.
I remember much more clearly the details of the trips she wouldn't let me go on than most of those she did.
Please let her go.
She'll feel left out of the build up, and the talking about it afterwards. And have to answer people saying "but why aren't you coming? It's going to be brilliant."

WhooooAmI24601 · 11/09/2017 21:17

I don't think it's U to refuse to let her go; plenty of other children in her year won't attend for various reasons.

However, I think refusing to let her go because of your own anxietyy is very U. You need to put this into perspective now before she reaches High School. Worrying is entirely natural. Worrying to the point where you won't allow your child to experience something which would be incredibly good fun for her is selfish and you can't expect to do this forever; eventually you're going to need to let her go.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 11/09/2017 21:17

Oh, and if you follow her, the school will definitely think you are bonkers, and your daughter will never live it down Sad

ALittleMop · 11/09/2017 21:17

I wouldn't let my 10 year old go abroad without me.

I don't think its necessary for primary school aged children to do trips like that - in fact I think its much more appropriate aged 13+.
I know this will be seen as an old fashioned mindset, but I don't care.

Our kids primary used to do a Spanish residential in Y6. 2/3rds used to go . In the end the school decided that the children would have a better experience of a residential if they stayed in the UK - and that the real purpose was for them to spend time together for the last time as a kind of rite of passage. This year they asked the children what they would like to do - they're going camping (in bell tents/shelters they have built themselves bushcraft style) in the grounds of a country house, those who hate the outdoors can sleep inside. It's accessible to everyone, affordable and not too far away.

DamsonGin · 11/09/2017 21:18

When is the deadline? Could you seek some help for your anxiety to address this, and maybe talk to whichever teacher will be organising and going on the trip. I don't think they'd mind at all if you were to say your DD would like to go but you have very bad anxiety about it.

Blondebombsite83 · 11/09/2017 21:18

I work in primary education and this is OTT and unfair to put on parents. Many year 6s have never spent a night away from home, it's not all scouts and guide camps any more. A 4 day PGL or similar is enough for most of them. I wouldn't let her go because it's a waste of money at this age. Wait until she will actually learn from it when she's older.

Oblomov17 · 11/09/2017 21:19

Is this for real?

Your anxiety is out of control. Please see you GP.

ALittleMop · 11/09/2017 21:20

And to previous posters .....yes my child could get taken ill/knocked down/other unlikely scenarios in the UK . But I could get there a shedload quicker and easier than if she were in Spain.

ifcatscouldtalk · 11/09/2017 21:20

I didn't even realise primary schools done the abroad thing. I also suffer with anxiety so understand, but as she grows up you will need to find ways to manage it for both your sakes.
If it's specifically coach accidents you are worried about then that will pretty much rule out all school trips. I find I am worse pre anything, on the day of trips/ events I'm remarkably calm (I'm a bit odd). It must be an anticipation anxiety for me.
Do seek medical advice, I did and it really helped. I would say although my year 8 daughter has been on loads of school trips, I couldn't afford the yr 7 abroad one. She didn't go and neither did a lot of other children.

Worriedrose · 11/09/2017 21:20

Your poor child
All that will happen is you will push her further and further away. Having a parent like that is suffocating
It's almost as bad as having one who doesn't care. The damage you are doing is untold.
You cannot stop life. You have to let her be her own person. Even at that age

cleanlaundry · 11/09/2017 21:20

Let her go, don't push your anxieties onto her. If it was money then I think it's a little more understandable and she might have been ok with it. But it's not, it's your fears that are stopping her and that's stifling as a child.

Primrose06 · 11/09/2017 21:21

Gosh as a mum I understood your worries.
My adult daughter had to spend a full year abroad in a city she knew no one at all. It was tough.
How does your dd feel? Can you afford it? If the answer to both are yes then let her go. We will support you here.
I think you have to visit your gp and get all the help you can for your anxiety.
Wishing you all the very best.

MaggieSimpson44 · 11/09/2017 21:22

I think what you have to bear in mind op is that the news only reports the bad bits, so yes it sounds like awful scary things are happening all the time but the reality is that there are millions of kids around the world enjoying school trips and coming home safely.... They just don't make it onto the news Grin
I know facing your fears is tough, but please try, your dd will miss out on something brilliant if you don't!