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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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to not let my DD go on school trip abroad in Y6?

295 replies

jobergamot · 11/09/2017 20:49

DD is 9 and in Y5. Her school does a trip to Spain in Y6 and we have to sign up to it this year as they have to book it so far in advance/save up etc. I don't want her to go. It's because I can't bear the anxiety of anything happening to her and me being so far away. You read so bloody often about school coach trips crashing, I just can't get the thoughts of something awful happening. (I do have general anxiety about my DD dying or something terrible happening). She's shrieked at me that 'all her friends' are going and she'll be the only one left behind.

I'm a single mum, so no one else to bishboshbash this around with.

OP posts:
Oblomov17 · 11/09/2017 21:42

What category does anxiety come under OP? If Not MH?

I don't think wildrose's post was that OTT. It can push someone away and be quite limiting and damaging.

Cinnamal · 11/09/2017 21:44

OP you have some very harsh replies here which are uncalled for. My y6 DS is not going on the skiing trip our primary school puts on every year. It's a lot of money and it's very young to be dealing with a potential skiing injury without your parents.

If you have a mental health problem, then so do I and 2/3 of the parents of our year group, who have also said no. IMO secondary school is a fine time for trips abroad and you shouldn't feel under pressure for a younger kid to go on these big trips. I wonder if it's the teachers that fancy a trip abroad rather than a bus to Alton Towers tbh.

Sara107 · 11/09/2017 21:46

Part of me thinks you need to get a grip of your anxiety and not let it rule her life and destroy her confidence. But I do think yr 6 is young for a week abroad. Is this standard? My dD is only in yr 3, but I actually can't imagine her heading off to Spain without her parents in a couple of years. Is a trip like that not quite expensive? I would have thought that would exclude a lot of children anyway, and it might be better to offer cheaper UK based school trips.

Worriedrose · 11/09/2017 21:46

@ALittleMop
It's aibu
People tend to project, even in RL people tend to project. They've had experiences and seen the consequences and outcomes. They offer their side of the coin.

@oblomov17 than you

Xocaraic · 11/09/2017 21:47

I was the child that was left behind. I never forgave my parents. To this day, I can see the bus driving off to the port and all I could do was watch. It was awful.
Let her go, let her be young and without fear, let her cement her friendships.

KrytensNanobots · 11/09/2017 21:48

Year 6? That's the same age as my youngest. Primary. Age just turned 10. Very young for a trip abroad with school, I'd feel the same.

Worriedrose · 11/09/2017 21:48

@Cinnamal
Really! Have you ever read any threads from teachers who take kids on school trips! I don't think they do it for a jolly

Gooseberrytart4 · 11/09/2017 21:50

I think it's crazy taking such young kids going abroad.

alltouchedout · 11/09/2017 21:50

Ds1 has just gone into year 7, no way would I have let him go on a school trip abroad in year 6.

Gooseberrytart4 · 11/09/2017 21:51

Talk to the school and find out if everyone is going? It's unlikely

ALittleMop · 11/09/2017 21:51

Teachers definitely do not choose this option for the fun of the trip. It must be a nightmare. In fact it was teacher reluctance that contributed to the decision to stop trips abroad at our kids school. They felt the children were too young to enjoy it.

Cinnamal · 11/09/2017 21:51

@worriedrose ha I appreciate it must be knackering! Rather then than me. All my teacher friends love a trip abroad though. My best friend went to Kennedy space centre with her class last yr and had the time of her life

megletthesecond · 11/09/2017 21:53

jober Flowers I'm a lp too and suffer from horrendous anxiety too. There's no one to break the cycle of worry and it goes on and on forever, often at 4am Hmm.

I had to pay a fortune for counselling when my dc's went on a school trip to the west end last year. They had no idea mum was a sobbing wreck and had visions of another Bataclan style attack. I wish I had the money to see that counsellor every week to try and chip away at my anxiety.

TabooToCrow · 11/09/2017 21:54

Sorry but there is no way I would let my y6 child go abroad with the school. No way on earth.

What happened to a day trip at the beach? Hmm

Ceto · 11/09/2017 22:00

You are definietly not neurotic for worrying about a 10 year old going on a school trip abroad!

I have no idea whay any school would think a trip to Spain is vital for their education. She will have years of school ahead of her to go on this kind of trip, there is no reason to do it as a 10 year old.

How is her age relevant to OP's fear of coach crashes, Ginger? If OP won't let her go this year, why should anything change in the "years of school ahead"?

But, OP, you are wrong to think school trips are constantly subject to coach crashes. Thousands happen every year without anything of the sort happening, but of course they don't get the publicity.

Feelslikecrystal · 11/09/2017 22:01

Mine wouldn't be going either. I don't have anxiety but this woukd worry me for a load of reasons. I think you're perfectly right not to let her go.

Thingywhatsit · 11/09/2017 22:03

It's a balancing act of giving them freedom and independence with what you feel happy with. Kids do need to experience these kind of trips - but each child is an individual and unique and each family set up of different, so what age works for one child/parent isn't the same for others.

Op - I am also a single mum, so get the not having someone to bishbashbosh it with. (Although I do use my mum for that - but it's not entirely the same as she has a grandparents perspective and it's not the same as a parent one).

When I went to primary, we had local overnight activity trips in year 4 and 5 and also French trips in both years 5 and 6. My son went to the same primary, and the French trip was near identical to that I went on, same place, same activities, same accommodation. Because I knew it all so familiar with the set up - I was happy for him to go (he was year 6 as they now did it every other year). It was familiar to me, and it was exactly what I had experienced as a child so it felt right that my child did exactly the same. And it went fine - he loved it and I survived!

However, if they had been sending him to Spain I definitely would have had second thoughts and struggled to find it too. I'm not sure I would have sent him to be honest. It would be difficult to know what to do. On one hand she really wants to go- but on the other it's the cost of it, the distance away and also having to commit so far in advance.

My boy is nearly 15 and I gotta say it's still hard sometimes letting him go off on camps - yes we have had a couple of disasters in the first years of secondary where things didn't go too well (he got sick on two successive trips away) but he survived them.

I got cold feet about a large trip which was very unknown to me earlier this year - luckily the flights had already been booked by someone else so I couldn't back out and say he wasn't going. And I am so glad I didn't - it was the making of him. Yes I know my boy is 5 years ahead of you dd, but I have had to train myself to let him do these things and not be overprotective. If you don't let them then they can't learn to do things independently. It's a really hard line to walk.

But with parenting - we make mistakes and hindsight is a wonderful thing. for now, you just need to sleep on it, chat about it with your daughter and to the school, look at finances, speak to parents you know whose kids have been on the trip, to your dd's friends parents too. Then decide.

Ceto · 11/09/2017 22:06

OP, you really do need help with your anxiety. It really is no exaggeration to say that if you stop your child going on this trip because of your worries, she won't forget it and will potentially resent you for years, if not for ever.

And bear in mind that this isn't the only year when school trips of this type come up, or when your daughter may want to go on holiday abroad with friends or relatives. Are you going to stop her going to everything? That is one certain way to drive her away.

NoProblemForMe · 11/09/2017 22:07

I can understand your anxiety. Been through it today with my 18 yr old driving to work for the first time (to be fair it is a 40 mile round trip and it's a shitty route too). You never stop worrying about them tbh.

I think she'll really hold this against you if you don't let her go Sad

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 11/09/2017 22:13

School trips abroad in Primary aren't a new thing. I went on one in thw 70's and no, it wasn't a Public School, it was a pretty crappy primary in an inner city.

Glumglowworm · 11/09/2017 22:21

YABU to stop her going if she wants to go and you can afford it

Don't let your anxiety get in the way of your daughters life.

JigglyTuff · 11/09/2017 22:30

I'm a single parent and if my DS wanted to go, I'd be delighted. He doesn't even want to go to the other side of the county for a week.

I went on a skiing trip when I was 10 and sprained my ankle on the third day. It was okay, it was a bit boring but I don't remember being remotely traumatised by my parents not being there.

wheredoesallthetimego · 11/09/2017 22:31

You know this isn't rational. Go online and Google IAPT (your area) and self refer yourself to NHS funded CBT to get some help for your anxiety. Or see your GP.

Maya12 · 11/09/2017 22:38

My single-parent mum had an anxiety disorder but still managed to let me go on every single trip and even negotiated lower fees as we couldn't really afford it because she didn't want me to miss out. I only understood later what it must have cost her, and that she hardly slept when I was away. at the time I happily skipped off to all the language exchanges, orchestra trips, school trips, volunteer overseas opportunities whenever I got a chance. I'm still a big fan of travelling and exploring and have lived abroad. Invaluable experiences that have influenced my whole life.

MissEliza · 11/09/2017 22:39

I understand your thoughts. I'm not an anxious person at all but when any of my family are abroad or flying or something like that, my head is full of irrational fears. However I understand those feelings are irrational. I hate to sound brutal, but people get killed on their way to school or work all the time and it's way more likely than on a foreign holiday. You can't hold your dcs back. You've got to let them live their lives.

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