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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you move to America if you were me?

450 replies

BenDuck · 20/08/2017 19:35

DP is from the US and we have talked for a while about going to live there (East coast) and the conversations are now getting more serious, he is starting to look for jobs etc. I'm still feeling really conflicted though. Part of me wants to, mostly because I fucking HATE brexit and like to be away from it all but also because we would be able to afford a really lovely house there. There is loads of stuff that bothers me though- having to drive everywhere, lower food standards, Trump.
I also worry about my position legally. I'm currently a SAHM but earn a little doing evening work (that I wouldn't be able to do there) so would be v reliant on DH. Esp. as would be hard to get a working visa. I worry about what would happen were we to divorce- would I be stuck there unable to bring DC back to UK (they have dual citizenship)?
Anyone been in a similar boat???

OP posts:
insancerre · 20/08/2017 19:36

I wouldn't move to America even if you held a gun to my head
But, I'm not you
If it feels right, then do it

BookShop · 20/08/2017 19:37

DP or DH? That makes a difference. Personally no, I wouldn't.

pointythings · 20/08/2017 19:38

I wouldn't trade Brexit for Trump. And I'm an EU national in the UK. There is always worse. My DH is a US national working in a civilian role for the US military and he won't go back even for holidays until the US has sorted out its fascist problem.

crazywriter · 20/08/2017 19:41

A friend of mine recently.moved across. She went through the visa process first so she could work when she moved across so she wasn t reliant on her DH. Could you do that? It isn't overly hard to get this type of visa if you're married. If not then you'd need to be married first.

We did it the opposite way round. My DH moved to my country of birth. He was fully reliant on me but now has a working visa. It took a year to get this. It was a tough year but has worked out. He hasn't overly thought about the risk of us divorcing and the kids. You're not wrong to be worried about that but that wouldn't have been a definite reason for me not to move if I was moving to his country of birth.

Original poster
BenDuck · 20/08/2017 19:44

Sorry, meant DH

OP posts:
metalmum15 · 20/08/2017 19:48

Two things stand out for me - 1, the standard of food. Personally I think British food standards are pretty low. Go anywhere in Europe and you'll get much better meals in restaurants etc for less money. And 2, you're worrying what will happen if you divorce? Is this likely to be an option? Because most married women in a good relationship wouldn't even be thinking about something like that.

DancingLedge · 20/08/2017 19:54

I would be hesitant- and fully expect not to get into a country where they can insist on checking your social media at immigration, to see if you're anti the POTUS.
Although there are some places in USA that would be absolutely amazing to live in.

But take my DC to a country where openly Nazis can openly carry? Nope. A country where many ordinary , decent people only feel safe if they have a gun? Nope.

insancerre · 20/08/2017 19:57

Metalmum
Are you on the right thread?
🤔

Kursk · 20/08/2017 19:58

From a Brit who has been in the US for nearly 4 years. It's the best move we ever made.

Firstly the visa process will mean that a move is at least a couple years away. You would get a green card through marriage which will allow you to work

The quality of life is so much better over here, I am on the East Coast (Maine). So to answer your concerns.

Driving. My annual mileage is similar to my U.K. Mileage.

Food. The quality of our diet has vastly improved as we can afford better food and we have the space to grow our own.

Trump. The impact of federal politics is minimal in day to day life. Trump has not effected us one bit

BizzyFizzy · 20/08/2017 20:02

If you were married, you would get a green card, so automatically allowed to work.

I think that living in America is a good thing to do if you have the opportunity.

metalmum15 · 20/08/2017 20:04

Insancerre i think so. I just thought it was strange that OP is considering moving abroad, and yet worrying about food and whether she might divorce (which presumably wouldn't happen if they have a good relationship ). There are many other things to be more concerned about tbh.

teaandtoast · 20/08/2017 20:06

How old are your kids? They may not want to come back in the event of a divorce, if they've settled in with new friends and new opportunities etc.
Would you want to stay there if you were to get divorced and the kids didn't want to leave?

Original poster
BenDuck · 20/08/2017 20:06

When I say food standards I mean with regard to safety and processing- e.g. Hormone injected beef. I can't imagine divorcing right now, but am aware that things can change

OP posts:
Hotdognoketchup · 20/08/2017 20:07

I am moving to the states next week, but only short term, 3-5 years. Like you I hate Brexit and am happy to leave it behind. There are issues with trump but I met no one who had a good word to say about him when we went on our house hunting trip and several talked about how embarrassed they were about him, we are moving to a democrat city tho. My experience of living abroad before is that other people's crazy government is less impactful than when it is your own.

Are you sure that it will be hard to work, I can easily apply for a work visa on the basis of my DH, it would take 3 months to come through, though there is a permit needed as well I think.

Also like you I was concerned about food standards but there is organic, and other food is labelled if it is additive, hormone or antibiotic free. It will take more work but seems doable.

We are having cars but in a city uber seems a reasonable alternative, I am used to car and keeping one, I know others who are only having one.

I don't know about the divorce although I have thought about the implication of giving up my career here and how easy it would be to restart. I think I have a good relationship but I like to consider all options. Sorry about the essay in reply!

userofthiswebsite · 20/08/2017 20:07

From what I've read (no experience) work life is v full on in the US. You work longer days than in the UK and only get 10 days holiday a year and it's frowned upon if you take them.

Original poster
BenDuck · 20/08/2017 20:07

Kids are little (4 & 2). I would definitely want to move back were we to separate

OP posts:
gwenneh · 20/08/2017 20:10

The potential for problems in a divorce is the only tricky bit.

The rest, as you can see, your mileage may vary.

metalmum15 · 20/08/2017 20:13

I'm guessing if you were going to divorce, it could be 10/15/20 years in the future, and you might be really settled by then, job, good friends etc. Do you have any family and friends here who you will miss if you don't see them regularly?

weeblueberry · 20/08/2017 20:13

If you're not going to work he needs to be making sure the health insurance he gets for these job offers covers you both.

marialuisa · 20/08/2017 20:13

I'm on the East Coast at the moment, the cost of living is eye watering. Buying the house might be cheap but property taxes in a good school district are staggering-20k p.a. for a family home where we are (2 hours from NYC). Food, even non-organic is super expensive and eating out in average restaurants is crazy. Think $200 for a meal that would be £80 in the U.K. Gas and branded goods are cheap though. Really make sure you will be able to have the lifestyle you expect before moving.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/08/2017 20:13

I'd do it in a heartbeat. I love America.

However, it's not a reality for me so easy for me to say.

We have two very close, separate friends who have made the move years ago, both very happy and no intention of coming back whatsoever.

Loopytiles · 20/08/2017 20:14

Agree that you need legal info on what could happen in the event of divorce.

Your H is looking at jobs before you've agreed to move?

jeaux90 · 20/08/2017 20:15

I have been an expat in the gulf (working) with a small kid. I said I would never leave the uk again after getting back 5 years ago but the US I might consider.

One of my sisters lives out there, they have an amazing house that they could never afford back here and a great quality of life etc. She moans about the politics of course and would rather live somewhere less right wing (she is in Arizona) but would never move back. Schools have been an issue in terms of finding the right one and she says access to specialist education like dyslexia specialists is a problem but maybe that's just her area.

If you feel it could work then give it a go? Kids are young enough and if your career can take it then say yes for two years, rent and then see how you feel?

caffeinestream · 20/08/2017 20:15

Thing is, if you're living there and the kids are settled in schools, you might not be able to move back home unless you're willing to leave them behind.

So far as I know, if you're married and living in America, your husband can refuse to let you take the kids out of the country permanently, and if you try it anyway you could be in a lot of trouble.

I wouldn't do it in your shoes. You're not planning to work and you're worrying a lot about it not working out. I think moving abroad only works if both parties are fully committed to it, and it doesn't sound like you are.

Capricorn76 · 20/08/2017 20:19

It's a nope from me. DH and I would like to return one day but would be too afraid to even go on holiday after seeing pictures of Nazis waving guns around. The whole attitude to guns, race, social care, health care, employment rights etc is so weird that I would've even contemplate moving there. They could have the best food in the world, that's not enough. Plus do you want your kids to be waving flags and singing anthems every day?

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