Would you move to America if you were me?

[BenDuck]

DP is from the US and we have talked for a while about going to live there (East coast) and the conversations are now getting more serious, he is starting to look for jobs etc. I'm still feeling really conflicted though. Part of me wants to, mostly because I fucking HATE brexit and like to be away from it all but also because we would be able to afford a really lovely house there. There is loads of stuff that bothers me though- having to drive everywhere, lower food standards, Trump.
I also worry about my position legally. I'm currently a SAHM but earn a little doing evening work (that I wouldn't be able to do there) so would be v reliant on DH. Esp. as would be hard to get a working visa. I worry about what would happen were we to divorce- would I be stuck there unable to bring DC back to UK (they have dual citizenship)?
Anyone been in a similar boat???

I think it depends hugely on where you end up on the east coast. I'm in the south east and have lived there for 23 years. My standard of living (am a university professor) is definitely higher than it would be in the UK which, even allowing for the exchange rate, seems massively expensive when I go back, but I don't live in New York or the other horrendously expensive places. I don't think Trump will be in power for the full 4 years (whereas Brexit is presumably forever if it actually does happen) and I think there will be a backlash against the current fascist nonsense. The one thing I wish I'd known when I left for the job is how hard it would be to live so far from ageing parents.

Should add, we live in a left-wing area of a left-leaning state, an hour from NYC.

Our property taxes are high but not the eye-watering $20k described above (they're $7k.) But they are high -- this particular state is known for having some of the highest property taxes in the country.

Things aren't nearly as expensive as described, in our region. We also live in a reasonably rural area, so we have excellent access to local, organic produce and meat. We spend near the U.S. average of about $1200 a month on food (but this includes household, cleaning, paper goods, etc.) and it doesn't cost me significantly more or take more effort to find foods we'd be used to in the UK.

We do drive everywhere. No getting around that, but I've put the same amount of miles on my car in a year here as I did in London. When we purchased our house (at far far FAR less than the cost of an equivalent property in the part of London we left) we did intentionally try to look for a place that was within walking distance of at least SOMETHING -- which is rare out here.

10 days of holiday is pretty standard, alas. That bit is true.

Also, we don't wave flags and sing anthems every day? Not even in school.

i'd go - i visited the US about 10 times in the last 3 years, and i love it - Trump wont last for ever,

re Because most married women in a good relationship wouldn't even be thinking about something like that. I've been with my DH happily for 20+ years, but if i was moving to another country then i would have to consider things like this - you dont know whats around the corner

Personally I'd rather live with Brexit than Trump.

MN is not the best place to ask this as it has a fairly vocal minority of posters who hate the US and will describe it as some sort of third world fascist state where no one is safe and society barely functions, rather than the sophisticated, diverse democracy that it is. The US has its faults but MN has a very skewed version of it.

I moved to be with DH, to their civilised neighbour to the North. I wouldn't move to the States if you dipped it in chocolate.

1. Gun violence and gun culture in general.
2. Expensive healthcare, even if you have insurance you can get screwed if you develop an expensive illness.
3. Trump (he's a racist, misogynist, narcissistic arsehole and people voted for him).
4. Hague convention if you broke up.
5. Very little vacation and a culture of not taking what you have which means visits home are expensive and infrequent.
6. Being 'foreign' for eternity. I get asked, "where are you from" 20 times a day. It's wearing.
7. Missing friends and family. And home.

Oh and yes do think about what's round the corner. I split from my ex when I was in the gulf. Took me a bloody year to get him to sign the document so I could leave with my dd. But that is a whole different story.

^^ very much this. You'd think it was Mad Max over here to hear some of this!

I hate it when people talk about contingency plans and others say "you shouldn't be thinking about that" as if thinking things makes them happen.

metalmum any marriage can end in divorce, considering what could happen in that event should not be dismissed because a couple are happy now. There are plenty of people who don't see it coming, or are happy one year and not the next.

Kids are little (4 & 2). I would definitely want to move back were we to separate.

Then don't go, because in the unfortunate event of divorce he would be able to dictate that the kids don't leave the country.

I'm an American living in the UK for the last ten years. I know if DH and I split up that I'm stuck here (but I love it here so I don't mind). But the number 1 hardest thing to get used to has been living so far from my family. It's really, really rough, and I miss them every day. Tickets are expensive and we can't visit nearly as much as we'd like. So if you're close to your family -- don't do it unless you're happy to hardly see them.

My friend moved to the East Coast US from UK to support her husband's career. She brought up their two kids, sacrificed her career and he had an affair, they split. She's stuck there as the kids are all in the school system and settled.

I hate it when people talk about contingency plans and others say "you shouldn't be thinking about that" as if thinking things makes them happen.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. You'd have to be an idiot, rather than 'in love' to skip off to a new country without considering every angle.

No way would i live in America. It's every man for himself and if you can't afford it, that's your own tough luck.

You couldn't make me move there if you gave me money.

I lived in the Mid West, for work and bloody hell I would rather be dead than live there again. I had a great job and standard of living but culturally it was ghastly, still a lot of racism, lynchings within living memory, it was like being dropped on another planet. No thankyou.

I would move to the USA in a heartbeat if I could! Sadly the way the visa system works means as my DH and I are merely lowly semi professional skilled workers which is no grounds for applying for one! It's genuinely gutting that as full time working homeowners with no debts or criminal records and decent savings behind us and able find jobs to go to easily in our professions that this isn't enough to ask to move to a country in this day and age.

marialuisa Where are you?? I have found life here so much cheaper. We are far better off than we were in the UK

I moved there in 1984 and moved back to UK in 2013. All our kids were born there, we had a great life and good standard of living, lovely friends and neighborhood.
Here in UK we have a good standard of living access to more culture and European holidays, much more annual leave per year, Last kid in High school.
It really is six of one half dozen of the other.
Life is good both places, it was a wonderful experience.
If your relationship is strong and you are married then it's good (it's hard to go if you are relying on finding a job to sponsor you for a visa), if your relationship is rocky, then the massive stress of the international move may be the end of it all. Also not knowing people and having to make new connections takes time, it'll be just you and your DP for quite a while.

Food, you buy a costco membership and buy organic. I really miss living close enough to shop there a couple times a month.

I wish I had the chance to move there.
I wish I was in your position OP as I hate the UK.
I'd say go for it!

Well the lack of holidays would put me off. It's barely enough time to visit family back home once a year.

Dh and I spend a lot of time together - he has around 40/50 days off a year so I can't imagine that going down to 10!

But the gun culture would be my top reason to say nooooo way!

I moved to the east coast 6 years ago and it was the best thing I've ever done. All of my food is local and organic, my friends are open minded, funny and liberal.

Our community is amazing. There's so much support and fun stuff going on. Everyone knows each other and will do anything for each other.

When someone has a baby a meal train is set up and you get brought lunch and dinner for about 2 months.

We have an old people's home that locals can go to free of change, ds will be in a class with 7 kids, we have a huge house and loads of land right on the beach.

My quality of life is so much better than the UK. Nobody locks their doors or even takes the keys out of their cars. You can leave your phone and wallet on the table in a restaurant or park and it'll stay there.

I never dreamed of having a life like this, I feel like I need to punch myself every day.

You couldn't drag me back to the UK if you paid me.

Pinch myself lol. Punch is a bit strong!!!

Love all the people saying 'hell no' based on newspapers and tv.

Yes you would definitely have to think about any potential legal implications regarding the children. Thousands of 'expat stuck mums' stuck in countries all around the world as their partner/ex partner refused permission to allow woman to take kids back to woman's home country.

Currently facing this dilemma myself as I'am pregnanct living in Australia with Australian husband and feel I want to move back to UK but once baby is born and living here husband could turn round and says no. That is not a nice feeling at all and is causing me a lot of stress.
So yes not something to take lightly.

I'm another Brit in the US.
I live in Michigan, close to Ann Arbor which is incredibly left-wing liberal middle class & educated (it's THE most educated city in the country).
I'd agree with all the pros and cons listed so far.

One other thing - it can be incredibly isolating to be the trailing spouse. DH and I are both British, but he had work to keep him busy, and I was horribly lonely and unhappy to start with.

I never get to have those conversations with people where you can say "do you remember the eclipse advert from Jaffa Cakes?" or people who know what I mean when I talk about the guides Christmas party back in 1983 etc.

But then, the same is true for your DH if you stay in the UK.

If he has friends/family there, do you have any idea how well you'd fit in with them? It would be awful if you felt like the outside while DH was happily reconnecting with all his old beer buddies. Or it could be great if you get on really well with them all and have a ready made group of people you know.

Is there any way that you could go for an extended stay, like a month, and look into it seriously? You could look at houses, schools, cost of living, spend time with people etc.

I think that marriages from different nations must be incredibly hard. There's always the risk of one of you feeling lonely and cut off, no matter how great your relationship is.