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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your opinions on lap dances?

270 replies

snoopypoodle · 29/06/2017 11:13

Just something I've been thinking about recently that's been brought on about a MNs DH watching porn and how it broke her boundaries.
BTW this is about men in relationships!!! IDRC what people do when they're single.

I don't mind porn. I don't encourage or approve much of men going to strip clubs but I wouldn't blow my top over it. However I do have quite specific views on lap dances.

I think there's not too much harm in going to a strip club and having a look if there's a group of lads on a stag do etc once in a blue moon (I wouldn't mind watching a male stripper on a hen do).
But the idea of actually paying for a girl to dance on your lap wiggle and grind her (probably naked or v.exposed) bits against you is a completely different matter.
You wouldn't let a strange woman you don't know come up to you and do that in a bar on a night out so why would you pay for it in a strip club?

The more I think about it the more I would see it as cheating if my DP did this. We've talked about it in the past as I know when he was single he did it with his friends etc and he said he doesn't really see the harm in it ie "it's just a bit of fun" . But he has admitted that I'm probably right in saying that he most likely would not like for me to have a naked man wave his penis in my face and grind on me etc.

I don't want to be OTT but as I keep giving it more thought I feel like that would be my "boundary". I would feel sick and really put off if my DP came home after a night out and tried to cuddle/touch me after having a naked woman grind on him a couple of hours before hand.

AIBU to ask what your opinions are ?

OP posts:
NameChangr678 · 29/06/2017 19:51

When did I do that?

I said some, not all, men (and women) cheat/visit strip clubs and lie about it.

NameChangr678 · 29/06/2017 19:52

I think the people who assume all women are happy smiley Belle du Jour characters working their way through college having multiple orgasms with clean, healthy respectful clients every afternoon are a bit naive.

Again, some, not all.

peachgreen · 29/06/2017 20:02

@NameChangr678 That's a change of tune from earlier in the thread when you were saying that anyone who thought their husband didn't watch porn or want to visit a strip club was "so deluded".

Pigface1 · 29/06/2017 20:07

I wouldn't be happy about it. But I get the impression from the stag dos my DH has been gone on recently that strip clubs are going out of fashion and seen as something for sadsacks. I've no evidence to back this up but he's been on 10 or so stag dos in the last couple of years and not one has involved a strip club - they've been climbing, canyoning, camping/hiking, abseiling, sailing, skiing and on RIB (speedboat) experiences. All sounds like great fun actually!

LittleBooInABox · 29/06/2017 20:11

I'd personally rather my other half saw lap dancers than allow some random to do it on a night out.

Doesn't bother me at all, if it's once in a while. Every week we'd have issues.

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2017 20:16

"I'd personally rather my other half saw lap dancers than allow some random to do it on a night out"

Jesus. If those are your options he sounds like a real catch!

NameChangr678 · 29/06/2017 20:24

That's a change of tune from earlier in the thread when you were saying that anyone who thought their husband didn't watch porn or want to visit a strip club was "so deluded".

Not really, I just meant that out of all the women saying "MY husband would never do that", at least some of them must be wrong - because there are plenty of married men in strip clubs and on Ashley Madison.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 29/06/2017 20:47

I would think DH was very tacky and a bit pathetic if he done this to be honest. As in, couldn't even get a female to do it out of choice.

My friends when they had their 'dos ' gave me a major headache.

Groom phoned me up at 12am asking me if his wife called and asked if he'd been in the strip club to say no he went for a pint down the road. I said no as how would I even know anyway?

His friend who was also my friend with some things going on between us calls 5 minutes later, 'Don't tell his Mrs but if she finds out don't let him BS I made him go in' cue me again saying how the hell would I know anyway?

Then wife calls me. I say I don't know if he has or not.

Then friend phones up to say Groom admitted to wife he did, blamed him (friend) and said I knew.

That was a private lap dance.

My ex was also there too but was not surprised by that at all.

They wanted 16 year old me to cover for 22 year old them. Ridiculous.

I do feel that when a woman does the same it's still tacky but less demeaning/ threatening.

You don't as a man have to fear these 10 women are going to turn on you,, hold you down and penetrate you - can't say the same for a group of men.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 29/06/2017 20:50

Do I think DH would?

Probably not.

He doesn't really pay much attention to other women really. He is quite sexual but I don't think he would pay for this kind of thing.but who knows? I know the only predictable thing about anyone is they are not predictable.

ShitStorm2017 · 29/06/2017 20:54

There are no 'norms' when it comes to relationships. Each person has what they consider 'boundaries' and it is up to each couple to discuss these before deciding to commit to each other in a serious relationship.

AmberNectarine · 29/06/2017 20:55

It always cracks me up when people tell me my DH must secretly watch porn. I know for a fact he doesn't - he doesn't watch it at work (we work together, he's very senior and it's more than his job's worth, plus all those sites are blocked - I can't even order pants on fucking Figleaves) and he doesn't watch it at home. He's just not interested.

He has been to a strip club many years ago but he isn't into that either. It was one of those seedy pub affairs (part of a pub crawl) where a woman comes round with a pint glass collecting coins before taking off her clothes. He just found it a bit seedy and sad, so he went home.

He's no angel (I was the OW once) but he's not into sex workers. It is possible. And it would be a deal breaker for me, probably worse than a ONS, because it's so transactional.

ShhhDontTellAnyone · 30/06/2017 11:10

out of all the women saying "MY husband would never do that", at least some of them must be wrong
So true unfortunately. Over the 17 years of working as an independent escort (prostitute) very few of my clients have been single. The rest have been very average, clean, respectful, pleasant, MARRIED (or partnered) men who if you looked at in the street you wouldn't imagine were punters. Their wives have no idea what they're up to on their business trips, visits to friends, outings to NT properties, etc. The excuse for seeing me is almost always, "I love my wife and don't want to break up the marriage, but she's not wanted sex for years". But very occassionally (and these are the ones I dislike) they get plenty of great sex at home but just want the variety of different bodiesAngry.

I feel quite sorry for women who resort to such dodgy "work"
By all means feel sorry about individuals who hate the work, but don't lump us alltogether please, Nina. Sex workers are as varied as the men who pay for their services. Personally I've had the best work/life balance of anyone else I know and I certainly don't regret my choice. It means I can spend way too much time posting on MN for example! (regular poster of many years here. NC obviously). It's also meant that whilst studyng for my degree I've been far less stressed than my collegues as I can work around studies, whereas they're marching to their boss's tune and often have serious money worries.

Skarossinkplunger · 30/06/2017 12:01

I don't have an issue with porn, strip
clubs or lap dances. But completely understand people who do. Your relationship, your rules.

Disclaimer: I have worked as a dancer before though.

Skarossinkplunger · 30/06/2017 12:02

Ooh, and I really don't need you to feel
sorry for me thanks.

Scrumplestiltskin · 01/07/2017 13:54

Shhh good for you, enjoying selling your body to misogynistic men, who clearly aren't respectful or pleasant.
Unfortunately the vast majority of prostitutes begin while they are minors (14 is the average age,) many are trafficked or pimped against their will, and most are in prostitution because they feel they have no other choice, have no job history (due to prostitution,) are incapable of holding down a normal job due to mental health issues, or are drug addicts. Most have histories of sexual abuse, and are raped on average 8 times a year in their line of work.
You are the exception to the rule, and I hope for your sake that you continue to be.

Scrumplestiltskin · 01/07/2017 13:55

Ska I still do though, oddly enough.

NorthumbrianGirl · 01/07/2017 14:22

I would not have a relationship with someone who considered women's bodies to be for sale.

BertrandRussell · 01/07/2017 14:37

"I would not have a relationship with someone who considered women's bodies to be for sale."

This.

Whatsername17 · 01/07/2017 15:01

My dh has always been very vocal about how anti strip clubs he is. On stag do's where it has been part of the night he has always refused to pay and often moans about how expensive the drinks are. On his stag do, my only caveat was that there was no visit to a strip club. He got all panicked as he said he thought that the stags would all want to go. I phoned his best man and told him directly that dh hates strip clubs and there would be no wedding if anyone tried to pay for dh to have a private dance. I told dh I'd lift my caveat if he were to admit it was something he wanted to do. However, he was quite insistent that he didn't want too. Im still not sure how he really feels tbh but, in my opinion, if it wss innocent there would be no need for him to feel he has to say he would hate it. The other thing is, I take my clothes off every day and no one ever pays me! I'd be pissed off if he paid someone else to strip.

Ethylred · 01/07/2017 15:57

I'm taken aback, always, by all these posters who claim to know exactly what their husbands think about everything. How boring. DH is still such a mystery that I've no idea what he'd get up to in such louche circumstances. I mean, I know what he says ("darling I could never look at another woman") but that's something else.

Skarossinkplunger · 01/07/2017 16:15

I love how as soon as a woman comes on here who enjoys her job as an escort/stripper/lap dancer people queue up to tell her she's wrong.

BertrandRussell · 01/07/2017 16:20

I am sure she does enjoy it. The problem is that it is an industry where she is very much in the minority, and at the other extreme there are exploited, trafficked, vulnerable women leading miserable lives. And in the middle, many women who have no choice and have ended up is sex work because they have habits to feed or no other options in life. Those are the ones, the big majority, that we don't like to think about.

Scrumplestiltskin · 02/07/2017 04:53

I am sure she does enjoy it. The problem is that it is an industry where she is very much in the minority, and at the other extreme there are exploited, trafficked, vulnerable women leading miserable lives. And in the middle, many women who have no choice and have ended up is sex work because they have habits to feed or no other options in life. Those are the ones, the big majority, that we don't like to think about.
This.

blukite · 02/07/2017 07:15

Why is it so hard for some posters to believe men don't watch porn? Hmm

Nancy91 · 02/07/2017 14:12

To be fair, there are other industries where people at the opposite end of the spectrum are exploited.

If you work making clothes then that is a respectable job. However there are many exploited people (including little children) working in sweatshops in other places in the world. That doesn't mean someone can't be happy being a dress maker by choice or that there is anything wrong with doing that job.

The girls I know who give lap dances etc are very happy with the choice. In many ways they exploit lonely old men who throw endless money at them because of the false hope that the girl is genuinely interested in them. That is far easier and more lucrative than many standard / boring office jobs and similar.

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