To ask for your opinions on lap dances?

[snoopypoodle]

Just something I've been thinking about recently that's been brought on about a MNs DH watching porn and how it broke her boundaries.
BTW this is about men in relationships!!! IDRC what people do when they're single.

I don't mind porn. I don't encourage or approve much of men going to strip clubs but I wouldn't blow my top over it. However I do have quite specific views on lap dances.

I think there's not too much harm in going to a strip club and having a look if there's a group of lads on a stag do etc once in a blue moon (I wouldn't mind watching a male stripper on a hen do).
But the idea of actually paying for a girl to dance on your lap wiggle and grind her (probably naked or v.exposed) bits against you is a completely different matter.
You wouldn't let a strange woman you don't know come up to you and do that in a bar on a night out so why would you pay for it in a strip club?

The more I think about it the more I would see it as cheating if my DP did this. We've talked about it in the past as I know when he was single he did it with his friends etc and he said he doesn't really see the harm in it ie "it's just a bit of fun" . But he has admitted that I'm probably right in saying that he most likely would not like for me to have a naked man wave his penis in my face and grind on me etc.

I don't want to be OTT but as I keep giving it more thought I feel like that would be my "boundary". I would feel sick and really put off if my DP came home after a night out and tried to cuddle/touch me after having a naked woman grind on him a couple of hours before hand.

AIBU to ask what your opinions are ?

[Skarossinkplunger]

Well I began by answering the OP's question with my feelings towards strip clubs and mentioned my previous job may have a baring on my opinion.

Then as usual people started to make assumptions about EVERY worker in the industry and someone actually felt sorry for me. I pointed out that actually those things have not happened to everyone's s another poster with experience of the industry agreed with me.

I have acknowledged there is abuse, I have not said or done anything to minimise it. I hope that my input has helped the conversation along. I think it's helpful to have input from all sides.

You are asking a lot of questions for someone who doesn't care 'why I think the way I do'.

[Skarossinkplunger]

Coming from someone who has no experience in the industry, calls into question other people's experience of it and denies that people like me exist I wonder what the purpose of your posts is?

[Nancy91]

Skaross, you don't need to justify what you have done in your life to anybody!

It's so patronising to say you feel sorry for someone when they are genuinely happy with their life. Especially when you have zero first hand experience of the industry, and can only talk about the sensationalist crap portrayed by the media, where only the exploited workers are ever spoken about.

If it helps, I don't feel sorry for you and I respect you for not being ashamed, when clearly other people want you to be. You obviously are concerned about exploitation but you aren't responsible for it.

[deffoncforthis]

Why is it so hard for some posters to believe men don't watch porn?

Because men probably mostly watch porn as part of something they pretty much all do, and lots of us have met and lived with men.

Personally I'm sure DH is not the type that wants to use strip clubs because we've discussed it (he's very anti).

[blukite]

Deffon at least you said probably, somebody berated another pp for even suggesting her partner doesn't watch it. My partner doesn't and hasn't in the two years we've been together

[Scrumplestiltskin]

It's so patronising to say you feel sorry for someone when they are genuinely happy with their life. Especially when you have zero first hand experience of the industry, and can only talk about the sensationalist crap portrayed by the media, where only the exploited workers are ever spoken about.

Except I'm the one who said I felt sorry for her, and many years ago I was a prostitute, so I have first-hand experience.
And yeah, I feel sorry for a woman who thinks that buying sexual acts, or being bought for sexual acts, is fine and dandy, and not damaging to individuals or society at large.
By the way, I'd appreciate it if you'd not dismiss women's horrific rape, abuse, and/or trafficking as "sensationalist crap."

[Nancy91]

I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't dismiss the happiness of someone who did not have a bad experience. Your experience does not trump hers I'm afraid.

[BertrandRussell]

"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't dismiss the happiness of someone who did not have a bad experience. Your experience does not trump hers I'm afraid."
Are you suggesting that her experience is typical of workers in the sex industry?

[NigellasGuest]

I know my DH doesnt visit strippers cos he never leaves the fricking house

[Nancy91]

No Bertrand. I think you're trying to put words in my mouth so you can argue with me

I'm stating that she is happy and has the right to talk about her experience without people patronising her by saying they feel sorry for her. It's like people see sex workers as pitiful, lesser people. That's just plain horrible.

If a sex worker is happy then that is fine by me. No need to try and pretend that these people aren't out there, it is a massive industry and lots of sex workers enjoy their jobs. These women have the right to voice their good experiences, just as anyone else has the right to voice their bad experiences.

[BertrandRussell]

As I said, I am sure there are women who do enjoy it. But that does not negate the fact that that it is a completely toxic industry which should next be tolerated in a civilized society.

[Skarossinkplunger]

The same could be said of the clothing industry, diamonds, beauty ...

[Nancy91]

Skaross, yeah I think I said that about the clothing industry earlier too. There is good and bad in every industry really.

If this industry didn't exist what would these women do for money? Also I would prefer that men could pay for sex with a woman who is consenting - sadly I feel there would be a rise in sexual assaults if they could not, as the men that use these services seem to really place a lot of importance on regular sex.

[Theycalledmethewildrose]

I am continually amazed by the number of women who believe their DH/DP would never go to a strip club. I remember being in a city that is popular for stag dos. On more than one occasion I watched entire parties of men line up to go into a brothel. They can came out doing up their zips, highfivibg though a few looked sheepish.

One evening I watched one man who was obviously a groom to be in a bar. He was by himself for ages. One of our party went over to him and asked where the rest of his group was. He replied they had all gone to a brothel. He was disgusted by some of them whose wives he knew and he said he'd never have thought they would go.

A guy I went to school with was arrested for visiting prostitutes. He was a seemingly happily married father, a very successful businessman, nice house, good looking wife. I admit I was shocked when I heard, probably more because I thought I knew him and his family and I thought he'd have values and morals. He probably does but some people have the ability to separate their emotions and justify it as just something physical that is meaningless and therefore ok.

I would ask some of the PP not to dismiss the very idea of their DH using prostitues because they are too 'classy' to use them. Sometimes these sort of statements have s way of coming back to bite you.

[NoLoveofMine]

I haven't read the full thread but I think the existence of lap dancing clubs shows how accepted this view of women (and girls) is in society, that we are all potential commodities who exist for the entertainment of men. Of course there are male strippers but it's not quite the same as there aren't clubs in every city where women can stroll in during an evening out and sit around drinking whilst ogling men, as men can with women. I would not want anything to do with any man who saw it acceptable to go to a strip club in any circumstance and think it's unpleasant they exist. There's one near my school which irks me no end.

They also harm women in general considerably - for example I've read of corporate entertainment taking place in them, after work bonding and so forth which excludes women from so much and has a detrimental effect on their lives and careers. Their existence perpetuates the idea women are commodities and is detrimental to all women and girls due to the view of us they encourage.

[NoLoveofMine]

Also I would prefer that men could pay for sex with a woman who is consenting - sadly I feel there would be a rise in sexual assaults if they could not

This is a terrible comment as it perpetuates the myth rape and sexual assault is about sex and male sexual desire. It's not, the motivations are power, control and a contempt for women and girls.

Anyway, a man who is capable of seeing one woman as a commodity to be bought is condoning and contributing to all women and girls being viewed in the same way.

[BertrandRussell]

So if men are not allowed to buy consent they will rape? Blimey. People do have an incredibly.kiw opinion of men, don't they?

[TDHManchester]

In my view, lapdancers are prostitutes. It would be a cold day in hell before i would visit such an establishment let alone give some girl money to gyrate in front of me.

[araiwa]

I have no issue with strippers, lapdancing or prostitutes.

Any issue of coersion, drugs, trafficing, abuse, violence etc should be dealt with in its own appropriate way whether they work in a brothel, drive taxis, work in retail or whatever.

[BertrandRussell]

"I have no issue with strippers, lapdancing or prostitutes"

So you have no issue with men regarding women as commodities to be bought and sold?

[araiwa]

I have no issue with women choosing to dance for or have sex with men for money. Correct

[VestalVirgin]

I would ask some of the PP not to dismiss the very idea of their DH using prostitues because they are too 'classy' to use them. Sometimes these sort of statements have s way of coming back to bite you.

Yeah, "classy" is not exactly something that makes men not use prostitutes.

As the lonely man you met proves, there are men who don't do this, but they're rare. (As proven by his friends)

Saying that he is against men regarding women as commodities is somewhat of a more useful indicator. (But of course men can lie.)

[Scrumplestiltskin]

sadly I feel there would be a rise in sexual assaults if they could not, as the men that use these services seem to really place a lot of importance on regular sex.

So you think so little of men, that you think if they couldn't see prostitutes, they would rape women? Wow.
Not only do most men who see prostitutes have sexual partners at home, who they have sex with, but endorsing the attitude that men must use a woman's body, willingly or otherwise, is disgusting.
Perhaps without prostitution encouraging that sense of entitlement, men wouldn't think they were entitled to use a woman's body for their sexual pleasure.
I'm stating that she is happy and has the right to talk about her experience without people patronising her by saying they feel sorry for her. It's like people see sex workers as pitiful, lesser people. That's just plain horrible.
Clearly, as I was a prostitute, I don't see them as lesser. But yeah, I do feel sorry to someone who is exposed to that level of disease, risk, and misogyny. I'm allowed to.
Im also frustrated that these 'happy' prostitutes throw the majority of 'unhappy' prostitutes under the bus and minimise those women's suffering, (and the damage to society in general,) in order to benefit themselves

[sharklovers]

There is definitely contact during lap dances in the UK, head to Eastern Europe and there's a lot more. I genuinely know women who would consider it a deal breaker, yet I've seen their husbands drop a grand on private dances in one evening on multiple occasions. I guarantee there are women on here whose husbands have visited a club and told them otherwise.

[BertrandRussell]

"I have no issue with women choosing to dance for or have sex with men for money. Correct"

That does not answe the question I asked. I asked whether you were OK with men regarding women as commodities to be bought and sold.