To ask for your opinions on lap dances?

[snoopypoodle]

Just something I've been thinking about recently that's been brought on about a MNs DH watching porn and how it broke her boundaries.
BTW this is about men in relationships!!! IDRC what people do when they're single.

I don't mind porn. I don't encourage or approve much of men going to strip clubs but I wouldn't blow my top over it. However I do have quite specific views on lap dances.

I think there's not too much harm in going to a strip club and having a look if there's a group of lads on a stag do etc once in a blue moon (I wouldn't mind watching a male stripper on a hen do).
But the idea of actually paying for a girl to dance on your lap wiggle and grind her (probably naked or v.exposed) bits against you is a completely different matter.
You wouldn't let a strange woman you don't know come up to you and do that in a bar on a night out so why would you pay for it in a strip club?

The more I think about it the more I would see it as cheating if my DP did this. We've talked about it in the past as I know when he was single he did it with his friends etc and he said he doesn't really see the harm in it ie "it's just a bit of fun" . But he has admitted that I'm probably right in saying that he most likely would not like for me to have a naked man wave his penis in my face and grind on me etc.

I don't want to be OTT but as I keep giving it more thought I feel like that would be my "boundary". I would feel sick and really put off if my DP came home after a night out and tried to cuddle/touch me after having a naked woman grind on him a couple of hours before hand.

AIBU to ask what your opinions are ?

[snoopypoodle]

Vestal I think what I meant is that I know men who are in relationships who have had lap dances etc before but if a woman approached them in that way in a bar they would reject her (regardless of their DPs being present or not) as its wrong. Yet they seem to think doing it in a strip clue is harmless or just a bit of fun.

[AnyFucker]

I would leave him

I am curious what (presumably) heterosexual women get out of a woman "dancing" for them

[Branleuse]

I would be seriously unimpressed if DP did this.

[SpikeGilesSandwich]

My DH used to go along to strip clubs at the work Christmas do and does sometimes on stag dos, doesn't bother me, especially the work ones as the company paid.
If however, I found he was going regularly on his own and spending our money on it, I would think it was pretty seedy and be very pissed off about the money.
If I were to see a stripper on a hen do (not really my thing tbh) he wouldn't have a problem either, he'd find it funny.

[NameChangr678]

I'd be fine with porn/strip clubs (I mean, don't we all watch it....) but defo no lap dances. Ew! That's basically paying a prostitute!

[VestalVirgin]

I think what I meant is that I know men who are in relationships who have had lap dances etc before but if a woman approached them in that way in a bar they would reject her

Assuming that you actually know what they would do (which unless you hired a private investigator to spy on them, you cannot really) they might tell themselves that it isn't real sexual activity if they pay for it, as the woman is not really attracted to them.

Well, it's true it is not about sex, it is more about power. More like rape.

I could compromise and be together with a man who likes to flirt and touch other women who want to touch him, but a man who pays for lapdances, strip clubs, or even just porn?
Nope.

[TiredMumToTwo]

Don't know where all the talk of "grinding" has come from? Lap dancers don't touch the people they're dancing for.

[treaclesoda]

A company that pays for it's employees to go to a lap dancing club? I don't know whether to be angry or depressed by that. There is so much wrong with that that I don't even know where to start.

[Teddy6767]

I would be furious if my DP paid for a lapdance. He's had one in the past at a friend's stag do (when he was single) and said he doesn't even remember it as he was so drunk. He's matured a lot since then and has drifted apart from his laddish friends.
The reason I would be upset about it is because I hate the thought of a woman (with no doubt a much better body than mine) millimetres from my DP's face with her naked body. I guess that's my own insecurities that I need to work on, but the whole scenario just doesn't sit well with me at all.
I also know that slightly more than just grinding can go on In lap dancing clubs now and again. My brother in law said he had a dance once where the woman literally squished his face between her boobs and also kept trying to put her nipple in his mouth. She also put her feet around his neck with her head on the floor and was pulling his head in to her naked vagina.
I know the majority of lapdances are just grinding with no proper physical contact, but it's not always the case.

[scampimom]

It's always struck me as odd that people will go to strip clubs etc. Surely it's the one place in town you are guaranteed not to get so much as a touch, let alone a shag.

[VestalVirgin]

I am curious what (presumably) heterosexual women get out of a woman "dancing" for them

I think the idea is to hire a male stripper.

I don't see any appeal in that, though. I don't want to see a strangers' genitals, and if I want to see men dance with their shirts off, I can go to a beach party.
I just don't get off on exerting power over another human being with my money, and decent men wouldn't, either.
It's just that decent men are very rare, so rare some believe they don't even exist.

[Hairhorror1]

Even stepping foot in a strip club is a big no for me. It blurs the lines to say it's ok to go and look but don't touch, I'd rather have a clear no. Also it would be so easy for the right man to lie and say he only looked, but how would you ever find out the truth?

Porn I can just about cope with. I don't like it but don't feel as if I can ban anyone from watching it.

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

My DP knows what I think about strip clubs, lap dances and porn. It's a deal breaker and I'd rather be happily on my own than with a man who thinks women's bodies can be bought for their entertainment.

[superfluffyanimal]

I work in IT sales and its quite depressing that some business is still done by salesmen taking customers to Lap Dancing clubs and paying for dances.

I have a friend who is a Lap Dancer, her morals are fucked frankly, its all about the money, she has regularly gone home with customers and met her last boyfriend in a club, he was married when they met. They have lock in's, get drugs delivered and in the private area men spend thousands of pounds (City of London).

[RhubardGin]

Well, it's true it is not about sex, it is more about power. More like rape

What a ridiculous comment!

Get a fucking clue.

[stitchglitched]

I wouldn't tolerate visits to strip clubs or lapdances. I don't want to be with a man who thinks its ok to use the sex industry, or pay women for sexual services. I'd actually prefer he had a mutually consenting one night stand than paid a potentially desperate woman to perform sexually for him.

[Hairhorror1]

You would be surprised scampimom.
I know a couple of women who used to work as dancers. If you've got the money there will be a woman there that will give you what you want.

[VestalVirgin]

Surely it's the one place in town you are guaranteed not to get so much as a touch, let alone a shag.

How are you so sure? Do you think there's an international law about it, and that law is enforced?

It is a place where women sell their human dignity. As others report, there certainly is touching. Perhaps not full intercourse in most places, as the men will want the stripper to remain on stage, and not want to see another man's penis, but certainly touching.

[Teddy6767]

I also know a woman who dances for extra money and she will give customers 'extras' for tips. Things like letting them suck her nipples if they slip her a £20 note tip. She was also an escort and would get their phone numbers to have paid sex with them at a later date

[CheapAndCheerful100]

Cheap I used to think that but the more I think about it the more my view changes.
Would you pay for a man to lap dance/grind on/for you?

Probably not however I have friends who would think this would be a laugh (at say a hen party.) Would this stop me going? No. It wouldn't because I have no intention of sleeping with the stripper. Just like I'm confident my DH wouldn't either.
I've been to a club with my DH once not realising it had strippers walking around dancing with very little on. It didn't bother me then either.

[VestalVirgin]

Porn I can just about cope with. I don't like it but don't feel as if I can ban anyone from watching it.

Well, banning anyone from watching it is close to impossible with the internet.

But since most men are so open about their porn use, it is easy to stay away from those who watch porn.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

My dh sometimes used to go to the local strip club when he visited the US with colleagues. It was in the back end of beyond and apparently that was the only decent place to go. If he went to a strip club regularly, got lap dances, I'd definitely have a problem. As for a wind up for a stag do. Doesn't bother me really. As long as the woman is doing it on her own volition. I once met a woman, who lap danced for a living, she seemed fine with her profession and in no way coerced.

[peachgreen]

Hairhorror1 It's absolutely okay for porn to be a dealbreaker for you. For some reason mumsnet is very pro-porn, but there are plenty of people out there who don't want porn as part of their relationship. Obviously it's also okay for your partner to say no, and then it's up to you to decide whether or not you can live with that. But porn is not a basic human right - men can live without it!

Both my DH and I used to watch porn. We experienced how destructive it could be to a healthy sex life in previous relationships and once we got serious we made the decision together to stop looking at it. It had a huge positive impact on our sex life and sexual intimacy and we've never looked back.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

Ugh, men who give women money to perform sexual acts that they don't want to perform are filthy pigs. End of. If it's porn, stripping, prostitution, whatever, the bottom line is they do not respect women. They are too stupid or ignorant to have any understanding of the history that has lead to a world where women are second class citizens.

There is no woman on earth who wouldn't rather a safe, cushy job with lots of money, respect, nice people, good hours and nice clothes.

You won't see a discussion over on dadsnet about how DW spends all her time watching porn, visits prositutes or goes for lap dances with her "ladette" mates. Men and women are just not comparable in this way because society is set up to keep women down. If your husband supports that then he is an arsehole. If he is paying money to control a woman by making her perform sexual acts so she can buy food and pay rent your husband is a horrible person.