To ask for your opinions on lap dances?

[snoopypoodle]

Just something I've been thinking about recently that's been brought on about a MNs DH watching porn and how it broke her boundaries.
BTW this is about men in relationships!!! IDRC what people do when they're single.

I don't mind porn. I don't encourage or approve much of men going to strip clubs but I wouldn't blow my top over it. However I do have quite specific views on lap dances.

I think there's not too much harm in going to a strip club and having a look if there's a group of lads on a stag do etc once in a blue moon (I wouldn't mind watching a male stripper on a hen do).
But the idea of actually paying for a girl to dance on your lap wiggle and grind her (probably naked or v.exposed) bits against you is a completely different matter.
You wouldn't let a strange woman you don't know come up to you and do that in a bar on a night out so why would you pay for it in a strip club?

The more I think about it the more I would see it as cheating if my DP did this. We've talked about it in the past as I know when he was single he did it with his friends etc and he said he doesn't really see the harm in it ie "it's just a bit of fun" . But he has admitted that I'm probably right in saying that he most likely would not like for me to have a naked man wave his penis in my face and grind on me etc.

I don't want to be OTT but as I keep giving it more thought I feel like that would be my "boundary". I would feel sick and really put off if my DP came home after a night out and tried to cuddle/touch me after having a naked woman grind on him a couple of hours before hand.

AIBU to ask what your opinions are ?

[Groupie123]

This isn't about the rightness or wrongness of strip clubs or lap dances, it's about breaching your partner's trust. If your partner doesn't want you to do something because it would hurt them, and isn't being controlling, then you shouldn't. Be that paying for a lap dance or spending money on a new handbag.

[Racheyg]

I have no issues with porn or strip clubs. I know oh used to watch porn before dcs now he doesn't have the time

I don't mind strip clubs or even private dances as long as it his money and doesn't effect our family. Tbh i don't think he would want to waste money.

[witsender]

It would be a deal breaker for me. Not because I would be jealous, but because the kind of man I want to be married to and have bring up my children doesn't do that.

I can genuinely say he doesn't do strippers, and I would have been genuinely amazed had any of his friends arranged one for a stag do.

[Scrumplestiltskin]

My DH and I are not okay with anything even close to lap dances. It's a dealbreaker for both of us. Also dealbreakers are going to strip clubs at all. Porn isn't a dealbreaker, but since finding out about the huge issues within the industry, his (already infrequent) use dwindled, and now he never bothers with it - he was never that keen on it anyway. (I was fairly indifferent, but never watched it myself.)
And while a situation where he would be presented with a stripper would be enormously improbable, if he was he'd be in no way interested, hugely embarrassed, and tell her no in no uncertain terms.
Not all men are mindless animals who lose their heads over a woman being naked. Not once they get out of the teenage years, anyway.

[CBC1644346]

Most blokes go out of group mentality but very few have dances.

[Bluntness100]

bluntness how sad we live in a world where women have to make that choice about their bodies

That's not logical, I'm sorry, you don't " have to make that choice" simply as women, we have many choices. I wouldn't do it personally, I always preferred to use my brain, and when I was in my late twenties I was offered a gig as a grid girl, you know waving the drivers off at the start of an F1 race and I declined, because I didn't want to be seen as that and wanted a career, I doubt many girls grow up wishing to be a lap dancer, but for the ones who do chose it, it can be very good money,

For me it's just one up from ogling and as such irrelevant.

I do think there is blokes who wouldn't, and who wouldn't look at porn, but I'd put them in the low sex drive, sandal / anorak wearing, with a social life that doesn't extend to going out for a few drinks with the guys. I'd say it's more lack of opportunity, lack of sex drive and lack of confidence rather than not going through moral principle.

For the ones who have the libido, the balls and the opportunity and say they wouldn't, I honestly call bullshit.

[Scrumplestiltskin]

Apologies for the length, but this is very interesting imo:
MALE BONDING OVER MISOGYNY:
Under patriarchy, men bond with each other through observing and perpetrating acts of misogyny, such as working in groups to sexually harass women, watching misogynistic pornography together, and sexually abusing women such as in sharing hired prostituted women and strippers, sharing sexual partners, gang rape, and woman-murder.
Why? Because…
Male bonding over misogyny supports male power. Men increase their individual and collective power through all-male group-bonding, which creates relationships and networks through which they pass along opportunities and knowledge. This power-sharing over misogyny is often contextual, such as business deals that take place in strip clubs or where “business trips” are organized around or include buying prostituted women, where the women performing are economically coerced and exploited, and where female associates are either not invited or do not feel comfortable so are unable or unwilling to participate, and are denied opportunities that are in effect only available to men.
Male bonding over misogyny creates a shared identity and group cohesion, where they reassure each other that they are not powerless sexual slaves, rape-objects, domestic servants, physically weak or saddled with children; women are. They build trust over knowing that they are part of the same group, the privileged oppressor class, and that they share experiences, perspectives, and values, namely, male entitlement, male supremacy, misogyny, and a willingness to abuse their male privilege, including harming and committing crimes against girls and women.

• from Radfem 101: A Radical feminist primer
  

Now, obviously most men aren't thinking the above things consciously, but it is an undercurrent that to me seems fairly obvious. The less harmful view is men just wanting to bond, and only knowing toxic ways of doing so, and not intentionally being misogynistic. But that's the dynamic.

[TheSeaTheSkyTheSeaTheSkyyyyyy]

Just because lots of married men go to strip clubs and lie about it does not mean that every man who says he doesn't or wouldn't go to a strip club is lying.

[PamBagnallsGotACollage]

bluntness, maybe I worded it wrongly. I mean it's sad that young women end up making that choice and that it's there for them to make. Well done you for having self esteem and support enough to make a different choice. Not all women and girls have that. They end up, through absolute desperation or low self esteem or whatever, making a choice to sell their bodies for money. If only we lived in a world that valued women more.

Lap dancing being good money really, really doesn't make it ok. Dirty blokes, disrespecting women by, as another poster put it, "buying their consent". Nice.

[EarlyWelcome]

I would not tolerate this. He is free to do what he wants but it won't be in a relationship with me.

A definite line in the sand I'm afraid.

[PamBagnallsGotACollage]

Anyway, I'm out.

What it comes down to is 2 sides of an argument...

1. An argument based on the idea that the world would be better for so many women and girls if they weren't seen as objects to be bought for money by men who feel entitled to something they really aren't entitled to.
   

1. An argument that supports a world where they are objects and it's ok for men to use them.

[SeagullsStoleMyChurro]

It would be a line in the sand for me as well.
DH isn't at all into that sort of thing thankfully.

[peachgreen]

I do think there is blokes who wouldn't, and who wouldn't look at porn, but I'd put them in the low sex drive, sandal / anorak wearing, with a social life that doesn't extend to going out for a few drinks with the guys.

How absolutely ridiculous. No wonder so many men think they can get away with this nonsense - some women have such low expectations of them. It's possible for a men to have active social lives, normal sex drives AND respect for their partners and moral principles, believe it or not. I feel very sorry for you if you've never managed to find one.

[Scrumplestiltskin]

It's possible for a men to have active social lives, normal sex drives AND respect for their partners and moral principles, believe it or not. I feel very sorry for you if you've never managed to find one.
Agree wholeheartedly with this.

[NameChangr678]

Now, obviously most men aren't thinking the above things consciously, but it is an undercurrent that to me seems fairly obvious. The less harmful view is men just wanting to bond, and only knowing toxic ways of doing so, and not intentionally being misogynistic. But that's the dynamic.

What about women out on a hen do with naked butlers? Not disrespecting men?

Maybe, shock horror, (straight) men and women just enjoy looking at attractive dancing people of the opposite sex and make a night out out of it.

[EarlyWelcome]

NameChangr678 I agree that most people enjoy looking at attractive members of the opposite sex. I am guilty of this.

However, what I wouldn't do is disrespect my relationship by paying someone to sexually excite me by rubbing them self naked all over me. The idea of both me doing this to my DP and my DP doing this to me makes me feel ill.

It's all about each person's boundaries though.

[EarlyWelcome]

Also, I don't think a lap dance is about looking at attractive dancing people.

It's about sexual arousal imo. You can look at the attractive dancing people in the club, why pay them to dance privately for you?

[NameChangr678]

However, what I wouldn't do is disrespect my relationship by paying someone to sexually excite me by rubbing them self naked all over me. The idea of both me doing this to my DP and my DP doing this to me makes me feel ill.

Oh I agree, I wouldn't want my BF to either. I just meant that I don't think men go out for lapdances to have some evil powerful stronghold over poor women, they just like attractive dancing women with their tits out. I think you can respect the opposite sex and still enjoy a strip show (Chippendales), because yes many people do freely choose these jobs. Hypothetically anyway, I've never been to one.

[Biker47]

I've had a lapdance, meh, would I have another one, probably not, done it once, enough for me. Would I go to a strip club again, probably.

[Bluntness100]

In respectable clubs the women don't rub themselves all over the men, there is a rule in terms of how far the stay away, which is several inches, and there is no touching and a bouncer watching.

These threads are always weird, some women think if you go to someplace like spearmint rhinos or stringfellows you can pay a naked woman to rub her genlatlia on you, that's not the case.

It's three mins of titallatiin, with no touching. And I do believe that many women are deluded with all this " my husband loves and respects me so much he would never when the opportunity arose", just like the ones who say he would never cheat then find out he's been shagging his secretary and they can't believe it. It's very strange.

These places are busy, just like other areas of the sex industry and it ain't single men filling it. I absolutely guarantee you if you carried out a survey of the punters the vast Marjorie you would laugh out loud and tell you their wives had no idea they were there and had no intention of enlightening them.

In fact their wives are on here saying, "not my man, he won't even watch porn he loves me so much and shares my principles"

Sure he does. And Ellis is alive and well folks. Me thinks some folks doth protest too much,,,,

[Bluntness100]

Clearly not the vast Marjorie,,not sure who she is,,😂

[Buck3t]

God I'd nearly feel awful with some of these comments, except I had a stripper, who rubbed themselves up against me and I don't think it makes me less marriageable and I'm not ashamed. It was an enjoyable transaction. But that's just me and my other half I imagine is fine with it. But Stags and Hens I suppose feel different (to me) than lap dances at strip clubs.

Everyone has their boundaries. That isn't one of mine, I think if that's your boundary fair enough. But so much judgment! jeez ladies, just say it's not for you.

[sharklovers]

Some of my friends' wives are in the deal breaker camp when it comes to lap dancing and no doubt would say their husbands aren't in to that kind of thing. Funny thing is their husbands spend £800-£1000 per night when they hit the lap dancing clubs, they're mad for it!

[Worriednurse]

Bluntness, I have known naked grinding to take place in the bars where no touching rules are in place. I used to think that lapdances were purely a visual thing but that is definitely not always the case.

[peachgreen]

Gosh. So many women with such a low opinion of men on this thread. How depressing.