To ask for your opinions on lap dances?

[snoopypoodle]

Just something I've been thinking about recently that's been brought on about a MNs DH watching porn and how it broke her boundaries.
BTW this is about men in relationships!!! IDRC what people do when they're single.

I don't mind porn. I don't encourage or approve much of men going to strip clubs but I wouldn't blow my top over it. However I do have quite specific views on lap dances.

I think there's not too much harm in going to a strip club and having a look if there's a group of lads on a stag do etc once in a blue moon (I wouldn't mind watching a male stripper on a hen do).
But the idea of actually paying for a girl to dance on your lap wiggle and grind her (probably naked or v.exposed) bits against you is a completely different matter.
You wouldn't let a strange woman you don't know come up to you and do that in a bar on a night out so why would you pay for it in a strip club?

The more I think about it the more I would see it as cheating if my DP did this. We've talked about it in the past as I know when he was single he did it with his friends etc and he said he doesn't really see the harm in it ie "it's just a bit of fun" . But he has admitted that I'm probably right in saying that he most likely would not like for me to have a naked man wave his penis in my face and grind on me etc.

I don't want to be OTT but as I keep giving it more thought I feel like that would be my "boundary". I would feel sick and really put off if my DP came home after a night out and tried to cuddle/touch me after having a naked woman grind on him a couple of hours before hand.

AIBU to ask what your opinions are ?

[snoopypoodle]

I have my own opinions about it and of course it is each to their own and it depends on whatever works for the couple .

But I have another interesting (at least to me) question to raise, to the women that don't mind their respective partners and husbands going to strip clubs and getting lap dances and looking at naked women dance and expose themselves in front of them - would they be ok if you did the same?

I might be completely wrong here but I'm willing to think that many men will be ok with it but a majority would definitely not like or accept it in any way.
I think there's still a huge double standard when it comes to this.

[RibenaMonsoon]

I don't have an issue with it for stag do. Most of the time stag dos seem to be all about embarrassing the groom. My sister hired me a stripper for my hen do (technically not a stripper, he was an art teacher as well and taught us how to draw him, he was the life model).

Any other time, I don't agree with lads going to strip clubs if they are in a relationship. If they are single, fair game. The women dancers are getting more out of it than the men are.

My friends wanted to go out to a strip show once. Chippendale type thing, my husband was uncomfortable with me going. So I didn't go. I think that sort of thing has to be reciprocal . Just as I wouldn't be happy with him going to a strip club.

[Joey7t8]

But since most men are so open about their porn use, it is easy to stay away from those who watch porn.

Just means that you'll probably end up with a man that is dishonest about his porn watching.

On the strip club question. They aren't supposed to grind their fanjos into the clients (it's part of the license apparently) but sometimes they do. The women working in there and the open floor shows are nice to look at but the strippers also work the floor they keep hassling you to have a private dance with them to the point of annoyance. There's certainly nothing coercive about it, and they're well protected by the bouncers if anyone steps out of line. And they definitely have a choice to not do a private dance if they didn't want to.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

There's just a difference in the way these things are thought about in groups of men and women.

Picture a bunch of women all together squealing while some awful music plays and a man dances around in a g-string. They're all laughing and at no point is it even vaguely threatening. He gets his money and goes home.

A group of men and it becomes the complete opposite. Very sleazy, wandering off for private dances and extras, trying to hook up afterwards (as these women are often escorts). Safety is a major concern with these types of men, you just can't compare the two. Not to mention that there is no history of women forcing men into sexual slavery.

[MadgeMak]

Yes it's cheating. Obviously it's not cheating for a single man, but it would probably be a deal breaker for me if I found out my partner had previously had lap dances before our relationship, much like it would be a deal breaker if I discovered my partner had previously used a prostitutes. A man who thinks lap dances and/or paying for sex is acceptable or 'just a bit of fun' isn't for me. It speaks volumes as to how they truly view women.

[NameChangr678]

There is no woman on earth who wouldn't rather a safe, cushy job with lots of money, respect, nice people, good hours and nice clothes.

Yes because you've interviewed every women on earth so can safely say this.

Have you ever seen the TV show Cathouse? The women on there love their job!

[RhubardGin]

What's with the generalisation of woman being weak, innocent beings who are forced into this line of work by big mean men who take advantage?

Some woman actually choose to work there you know.

[CheapAndCheerful100]

OP you asked if my DH would feel the same as I do about this stuff. He agrees and doesn't see a problem. I'd have a problem if this wasn't equal.

[stitchglitched]

And some women don't choose it, or choose it out of desperation. How does the man flashing his cash know which category the particular woman he is paying to remove her clothes or grind on him falls into?

And if it's such a great career choice why aren't men doing it?

[NameChangr678]

And if it's such a great career choice why aren't men doing it?

They are, there are loads of male strippers and escorts and "butlers in the buff"

[CheapAndCheerful100]

Some men are doing it though. Good grief

[anchor9]

mi would be raging/leaving him. i don't care about porn, i think what swings it is the paying for it aspect. not sure why.

[hickorydickorynurseryrhyme]

I told my DH my views on this when we met! I told him what my boundaries were, he knew the score from the start. If my DH went to a strip club now that would have to be the end of our marriage. He's not that type of guy though.

[PamBagnallsGotACollage]

But those who choose do so within a society that lays that out as an option for women. Is it right that they've ended up on a path that has led them to do work in which they get paid to be objectified by men who don't respect them?

If I had a daughter I'd want more for her and I'd want her to want more for herself.

And for all those who "choose" stripping etc as a job, there are loads more who don't choose it. Are coerced into it or fall into it in desperate times. One legitimises the other. Is that ok?

[stitchglitched]

Really? Are there 'butler in the buff' clubs everywhere then for women to pay men to grind on them? Are men trafficked in their thousands to work in the sex industry? Of course there are male strippers but nowhere near the same scale, it isn't remotely comparable.

Why would anyone want to argue for the right of men to objectify women and buy consent? It's beyond grim. Like I said I'd prefer my partner to have a mutual one night stand than this. He'd still be a cheating bastard but at least he wouldn't be a misogynistic cheating bastard who viewed women as commodities to be bought and sold.

[ThymeLord]

I would leave my partner if he did this. No hesitation. He knows that but he wouldn't do it anyway. He doesn't find the idea of renting a woman's body for 20 minutes sexually arousing.

[NameChangr678]

Shock horror, some people enjoy sex and want to do it for a living (like that TV show with Billie Piper)

I can't understand why anyone would choose teaching or accountancy but I don't tell them their choices aren't really theirs

[Bluntness100]

But I have another interesting (at least to me) question to raise, to the women that don't mind their respective partners and husbands going to strip clubs and getting lap dances and looking at naked women dance and expose themselves in front of them - would they be ok if you did the same?

I have no issue with it at all, my husband went a couple of times with a group of lads in his younger days and yes had private dances. I actually found the thought quite comical. I also have been to see male strippers and was pulled on stage by one and danced to, who later asked me out. Didn't bother him.

As for the women, in the good clubs generally they are very well paid and the no touching rule strictly enforced. So no biggie.

There is a lot of deception in this though, I work In an very male dominated industry and a lot of the blokes go, usually the older men, and when you meet the wives and touch on the subject they always come out with " it's dissgusting my husband would never go, he thinks it's disrespectful to women and agrees it's cheating " You've just got to agree with them and not say " ah, sorry, he was just regaling everyone with his drunken trip to the titty bar last week",

It is what it is and these places are full of folks husbands. I'd say the overwhelming majority lie to their wives about it.

[CheapAndCheerful100]

I forgot you cannot have a different opinion on MN.

[stitchglitched]

Who said you aren't allowed a different opinion? It's a discussion board, posters are allowed to argue with you if they think your opinion is wrong.

[PamBagnallsGotACollage]

Namechangr, but teachers and accountants aren't ever exploited or trafficked. It's. It comparable. And is it a real choice?! Yeah, within a system where women's bodies can be bought and sold. Would you seriously be ok if a daughter or niece chose this as a career?!

[NameChangr678]

I think the people saying "my partner would NEVER watch pron or go to a strip club" are so deluded

Of course he'd go along to a strip club if he was on a stag do and everyone was going! You really think your DH will turn around and go home? Like hell.

[snoopypoodle]

Bluntness can I ask why you found this comical? I mean this in no judging or patronising/sarcastic way.
I'm genuinely interested in your angle on the matter as I never thought of something like that can be seen as comical/funny.

[Scoobydoobydont]

Loads of us went to one on a mates stag do. There is no "grinding".

Word got out among the wives and girlfriends who then had opinions varying from "meh" to "bet that was funny"

There were a few who proudly announced that their boyfriends/husbands had left the others to it and gone in a group to a pub instead because they didn't approve.

They had all been lied to with the exception of the partner of the one bloke out of 27 who hadn't been allowed in because he was too pissed.